child adoption and name change

[I'mTheFather]

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! All i have been catching is people telling me that i am wrong for waiting till my 2 and 4 year old get older before i try to explain their biological father and why he didnt want them but why my husband loves them regardless of whether they are related. and now they are telling this guy the same thing. this young of an age is not the time to do it and i dont know why everyone insists that it is. Thank you for saying that..

Oh.My.God.....

That was complete sarcasm. I think it's horrible that you would wait until you can devastate a child by disclosing that information. Do you want your child to resent you for all her adult life because you didn't have the guts to simply and kindly let her know that her daddy chose her? Why would you think that you have to bash the biological father?

ETA: Honestly, get some counseling so you'll know how to introduce this to your young child. It can and should be done.

 

[ascott042510]

because in my case he flat out said he did not want her. he did not choose her. he did not want anything to do with her. thats why. im not going to tear my lil girl apart.

 

[Proserpina]

Oh.My.God.....

That was complete sarcasm. I think it's horrible that you would wait until you can devastate a child by disclosing that information. Do you want your child to resent you for all her adult life because you didn't have the guts to simply and kindly let her know that her daddy chose her? Why would you think that you have to bash the biological father?

I guess she missed that....

ascott, virtually every child psych professional and/or adoption agency will recommend AGAINST not telling the child about their heritage until they're older; it CAN be done in an age-appropriate manner as early as 2 or 3.

Just because you're unable to do it doesn't mean that it can't be done.

Get some help from a therapist, perhaps - they can (seriously) help in these matters.

 

[TheGeekess]

because in my case he flat out said he did not want her. he did not choose her. he did not want anything to do with her. thats why. im not going to tear my lil girl apart.

But admitting to her THAT YOU'VE LIED when she's entering teenhood isn't going to tear her apart.

Alrighty then.

 

[Proserpina]

because in my case he flat out said he did not want her. he did not choose her. he did not want anything to do with her. thats why. im not going to tear my lil girl apart.

You're not even reading the posts now

Go take a break. You're not helping yourself on this thread - at all.

 

[ascott042510]

this is pointless

 

[TheGeekess]

You're not even reading the posts now

Go take a break. You're not helping yourself on this thread - at all.

And considering that ascott is hijacking this thread....

 

[I'mTheFather]

because in my case he flat out said he did not want her. he did not choose her. he did not want anything to do with her. thats why. im not going to tear my lil girl apart.

By 'chose' I am referring to the adoptive father.

It's not devastating to a young child to hear that her father chose her. If she grows up hearing that, then she can ask about the circumstances when she's ready. Why would you think that you need to explain that the biological father didn't want her???? That boggles my mind.

 

[ascott042510]

dont worry about it. it does not matter anymore. yall deal with this mans question. not that any of this helps anyone.

 

[I'mTheFather]

dont worry about it. it does not matter anymore. yall deal with this mans question. not that any of this helps anyone.

It doesn't matter because you just deleted your thread, right? Too bad.

 

[ascott042510]

yes i did. cause this is pointless. not one answer that i was given ever shed any light on my question. it was nothing but people bashing my choices for my children or questioning mistakes that i have made in the past. this was intended to be something to where i could get helpful answers to a question. so whats the purpose in reading things that are sarcastic and in some cases hurtful.

 

[Proserpina]

yes i did. cause this is pointless. not one answer that i was given ever shed any light on my question. it was nothing but people bashing my choices for my children or questioning mistakes that i have made in the past. this was intended to be something to where i could get helpful answers to a question. so whats the purpose in reading things that are sarcastic and in some cases hurtful.

Stop posting.

Please.

Thanks.

 

[I'mTheFather]

yes i did. cause this is pointless. not one answer that i was given ever shed any light on my question. it was nothing but people bashing my choices for my children or questioning mistakes that i have made in the past. this was intended to be something to where i could get helpful answers to a question. so whats the purpose in reading things that are sarcastic and in some cases hurtful.

Actually, you did receive answers that shed light on your question. You were told there may a possibility that the adoption could be overturned by the previously unnamed biological father. You were told to inform your lawyer that the man named on the birth certificate might not be the actual biological father.

The fact that others voiced their concerns regarding your other choices is just what you get with a free advice site. You may not value those opinions, but others reading the thread may have gotten some valuable insight from those opinions.

 

[stealth2]

i dont know where you people get off thinking that a 1 or 3 year old will understand that 'oh this is the man that wants to love you and wants to raise you and wants to take care of you but this one here is the one that actually did his part to help create you and he has not had anything to do with you because he is a selfish man and wants things his way." i mean how crazy can you be. do you really think they are going to look up at you and say 'oh well thank you for explaining that to me....i understand now.' my child is only four and she wouldnt understand that. you want to torment a child who has siblings that is a great way to confuse them. maybe i should go test your absurd theory

My neighbors have two adopted children - 3 & 4. Both of them know that the Mommy and Daddy they live with now chose them, but didn't make them. It's not a difficult concept, even for a small child. The longer you wait to introduce the subject, the more difficult it WILL be for the child.

As for OP - roll it back. You're Momma's dude. You're NOT their Dad. You're not even stepDad. And you will need a lawyer - after you have been married for at least a year.

 

[Just Blue]

and no. i wouldnt really say that. it was just a very exaggerated sarcastic conversation. i just dont believe there is any way to have that kind of conversation with a small child

Which is why you would seek adoption counseling to educate yourself and the adopting person. They would have, had you bothered to seek such assistance, lessoned you as to the CORRECT way to talk to VERY YOUNG children. Not to lie or mislead them,,,but to always tell them the truth.

But...You didn't bother with that. You prefer to lie and then drop a HUGE emotional A-bomb "when they are older".

Prepare for intense therapy and trust issues from that "mushroom cloud" YOU are choosing to inflict upon VERY SMALL CHILDREN.

My niece has two children she and her hubby adopted at birth. The are bio-siblings born from the same birth-parents. Ages 2 and 4. Both know that mom and dad are their adopted parents. both are aware that BP's "loved them so much that they wanted the very best life for them and that BP could not give them that". They know that Mom and Dad consider them the children of their heart and soul.