Child safety concerns and room sharing

[CSO286]

I agree that they should be doing chores. They do chores at my house. I know they're able to take care of themselves, shower, etc... I don't know WHY they don't do these things at their dad's. I do know that he treats them like 3 and 6 year olds - I've heard the conversations (previous attorney recommended I record phone calls which I did for a year). Perhaps this is more of an issue between them, but again, what am I supposed to do about it, sit by and do nothing?

This is Extreme Badness. You can expect to have your backside handed to you if you brought this into court. Are you aware that many court orders indicate that parents aren't even supposed to "listen in" on phone calls, let alone record them? If I were you, I'd review your paperwork.

If they can't take proper care of their own bodies at Dad's then you need to adjust your parenting so that they realize it doesn't matter where they are or who they are with--they are expected to act as though you were over their shoulder at all times.

 

[dogmom228]

No, unfortunately for your piece of mind, you don't. I have known more than one dad, who, after the additional cost of child support, could not afford a place of their own. They would exercise their visitation at a friends or relatives. It is condescending and humiliating, to make an issue of an ex's living situation, employment or income. If he needs to live in a refrigerator box or homeless shelter, that is irrelevant. What is relevant is that he pays his child support and legally provides for them during visitation. They need to know this also. You set that tone. My stepdaughters dad lived in a tent, several years. We made sure she had pocket money, when dad took her for visits. He now has a union job and will be helping with her college expenses and is buying her a used car for xmas.

Wow. Thank you. I needed to hear this, and I realize that I had to take a lot of criticism from all of you to get here. I realize that, in withholding the children from their father, I am putting myself at risk for contempt of court, which I do not wish to do. I do wish my concern to be heard by the court, but I do also wish to do the right thing. This is where my concerns have been. He agreed last week, begrudgingly, to let the kids stay with me because they wanted to be well rested for school. Now he is demanding make-up time and with the motion I entered into court I'm realizing that I have opened Pandora's box.

 

[mariasusa]

So you have a attorney. What does your attorney say about;

is there a clause in your court order that each parent provides their address?

Has your attorney ever made suggestions about a GAL or coparent counseling? Sounds like you need a professional person that both you and dad can meet on a regular (EOW) or periodic basis to discuss your concerns. It can be expensive, but if you get someone good you can learn to make agreements with each other (for ex., why fight over a stupid address...just give it, share some very basic info about the new place). Bigger issues like daughter's hygeine and why it happens at dads and not at your place. Stuff like that is OK to discuss in a therapuetic place when you can't get along...but not so much to fight over legally. But often a judge will court order something like this if you ask for it and explain why.

I know from exp. its easier said that done to teach the good stuff in one home and expect the kids to do the same in the other parents home when the other parent has a drastically diff. parenting style. Since you have primary physical custody, get your daughter in counseling. Or take her to see her doctor. NOT with the intention of pointing the finger at dad...just to rationally try to figure out whats going on and help her. Maybe your son too.

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

Wow. Thank you. I needed to hear this, and I realize that I had to take a lot of criticism from all of you to get here. I realize that, in withholding the children from their father, I am putting myself at risk for contempt of court, which I do not wish to do. I do wish my concern to be heard by the court, but I do also wish to do the right thing. This is where my concerns have been. He agreed last week, begrudgingly, to let the kids stay with me because they wanted to be well rested for school. Now he is demanding make-up time and with the motion I entered into court I'm realizing that I have opened Pandora's box.

It is never to late to modify the way you react. Good Luck.

 

[dogmom228]

So you have a attorney. What does your attorney say about;

is there a clause in your court order that each parent provides their address?

Has your attorney ever made suggestions about a GAL or coparent counseling? Sounds like you need a professional person that both you and dad can meet on a regular (EOW) or periodic basis to discuss your concerns. It can be expensive, but if you get someone good you can learn to make agreements with each other (for ex., why fight over a stupid address...just give it, share some very basic info about the new place). Bigger issues like daughter's hygeine and why it happens at dads and not at your place. Stuff like that is OK to discuss in a therapuetic place when you can't get along...but not so much to fight over legally. But often a judge will court order something like this if you ask for it and explain why.

I know from exp. its easier said that done to teach the good stuff in one home and expect the kids to do the same in the other parents home when the other parent has a drastically diff. parenting style. Since you have primary physical custody, get your daughter in counseling. Or take her to see her doctor. NOT with the intention of pointing the finger at dad...just to rationally try to figure out whats going on and help her. Maybe your son too.

Thank you, mariasusa; I HAD an attorney. With the legal battles between my ex and I, I can no longer afford one - he has drug me through court for issues just as frivolous, and wasted what money I once had. I had asked my attorney about a GAL and she said I had to consider two things: $$ which she knew I didn't have, and the possibility of answers I wouldn't like to hear. After telling me these things she recommended I not have one appointed.

 

[dogmom228]

I re-read your previous thread, and I really think that you have a fundamental lack of understanding of how the law works...and I am concerned that its going to get you into trouble.

I don't think that you are controlling, however I think that you operate from too high a level of anxiety regarding your children and your finances, and that makes you panic and do knee jerk things that are not necessarily the best things for you to be doing. I am sure that your anxiety regarding finances is valid, and possibly regarding your children too, but its not helping your situation.

This is how I see things...dad does or says things to push your buttons and make you anxious/panic. You then react and when you are panicked enough, file for something in court (often the wrong thing) and dad backs down. So this cycle of anxiety/panic has worked for you. However it will NOT work for you forever.

I my opinion you went overboard in filing for a suspension of visitation until he tells you where he is living and gives you the address, and overboard in denying him visitation pending the outcome. That could come back to bite you in the butt, or...it could work for you again and dad could back down and give you the information.

However, what you really should have done is trusted dad to protect the children on his time, and simply filed for contempt for him not providing you his address.

I have a suggestion. Next time you go into anxious/panic mode, maybe you should come here and ask some advice BEFORE you act/react.

Missed this post. Ldi, thank you, and I believe you are correct. Next time, before losing my mind, I will come here. I will send a reply to my motion to the Court that this issue needs to be addressed, but I will not deny the father's right to his parenting time.

 

[CJane]

Had he done this during the summer instead of the school year I might have been more lenient and understanding.

The above doesn't jive with your assertion that you're concerned for the safety of your children.

In fact, it's completely counter to that assertion. How do you intend to explain, in court, that you fear for your children's safety during the school year when they'll spend LESS TIME wherever it is their father is staying?

 

[TxPE2011]

Children should NEVER have a "say-so". Does he get a "say-so" about whether or not to go to school? A "say-so" about homework? A "say-so" about personal hygeine?

If they do, it creates one of two problems:

1. They know they have the power to play one parent off the other;

2. They feel nothing but guilt for picking one parent over the other.

Neither of which benefits the child. That is why custody matters are "In Re the custody of" CHILD, and the child is not a party to the action. Children do not possess the emotional maturity to make these kinds of choices.

Cusotdy determinations should never involve the children and responsible parents choose not to allow the child to think they have any control over it. Good phrase to learn: "Sweetie, I love you. This is something for the grownups to work out and I will not discuss it with you."

And to address the sleeping arrangements at Dad's (or wherever Dad has crash-landed). Two siblings sharing a room for a weekend is not the end of the world. Heck when I was a kids, there were 6-8 of us cousins (ages 4-16) sleeping in the same room, boys in one bed, girls in the other for 2-3 weeks at Grandma's house.

You have nothing to bring to court. As soon as Dad has a permanent address, I'm sure you'll get it.

Very well said CSO

 

[TxPE2011]

3. I remain unimpressed.

UhOh..

OP you should try the book 'Joint Custody with a jerk'

I had to read it ThReE times to get it.

This issue is YOUR sons issue, who is at an age where he should be encouraged to deal with his own 'issue' of this caliber WITH the parent who he has the issue with. You can't fight his battles. As someone else said, teaching him to run to the other parent when the answer isn't what he wanted to hear, will bite you.

The book says this constantly: what's the problem? Son doesn't like sharing a room. Who has the problem? Son. Who needs to deal with the problem? Son.

Like dad told him and son told you, it won't be for long. He will be moved in by september. It's only a couple of weeks.

Although I agree Dad should give you an address, as my order states we both must notify the other of a change in address but we have 30 days to do so... Give him time. You can't withhold visitation because you don't like that he hasn't given you an address.

 

[TxPE2011]

. If the kids smell when they get home, put them in the shower and disinfect them!

This is exactly what you do ... It's two nights on a weekend... If kid doesn't care they stink and dad doesn't care, it's not like YOU'RE having to smell them for two nights... Make a rule, they go straight to the shower when they get home. I'm willing to bet 7 and 11 yr old dont even think about a shower until they get home and mom says 'why didn't you take a bath!!?!?' then they blame poor dad cause they couldn't possibly handle the truth by saying 'well I just didn't think about it...'

My 10 yr old tried the whole, my dad won't let me shower thing. I contacted my ex he said ' she said YOU said she didn't have to bathe every night'
WHAT!? Kid playing parent against parent?? Hmmm...

 

[dogmom228]

UhOh..

OP you should try the book 'Joint Custody with a jerk'

I had to read it ThReE times to get it.

This issue is YOUR sons issue, who is at an age where he should be encouraged to deal with his own 'issue' of this caliber WITH the parent who he has the issue with. You can't fight his battles. As someone else said, teaching him to run to the other parent when the answer isn't what he wanted to hear, will bite you.

The book says this constantly: what's the problem? Son doesn't like sharing a room. Who has the problem? Son. Who needs to deal with the problem? Son.

Like dad told him and son told you, it won't be for long. He will be moved in by september. It's only a couple of weeks.

Although I agree Dad should give you an address, as my order states we both must notify the other of a change in address but we have 30 days to do so... Give him time. You can't withhold visitation because you don't like that he hasn't given you an address.

Thanks, TxPE2011. I will definitely look for this.

 

[dogmom228]

This is exactly what you do ... It's two nights on a weekend... If kid doesn't care they stink and dad doesn't care, it's not like YOU'RE having to smell them for two nights... Make a rule, they go straight to the shower when they get home. I'm willing to bet 7 and 11 yr old dont even think about a shower until they get home and mom says 'why didn't you take a bath!!?!?' then they blame poor dad cause they couldn't possibly handle the truth by saying 'well I just didn't think about it...'

My 10 yr old tried the whole, my dad won't let me shower thing. I contacted my ex he said ' she said YOU said she didn't have to bathe every night'
WHAT!? Kid playing parent against parent?? Hmmm...

Good point, TxPE2011. I have given the kids ideas about how to avoid the concern of seeing each other naked: get your clothes, take a shower, change in the bathroom, and you'll be clean AND ready for bed without seeing each other change. Let's see if it does anything. My bet is that it won't, but I have provided a solution. It's up to the kids now. We'll see what happens. When I get them home I make sure they shower before bed because of the lack of bathing. Problem solved.

Ex and I had an extremely toxic relationship, which is why we aren't together. He was (and is) a psychological bully (thus the restraining order because he hit my car in a parking lot and attempted to run but someone saw him and called the cops). He pushes me and I react - usually very poorly, but it used to be much worse.

Thanks, to everyone, for your contributions to my post. Your criticisms and suggestions have been taken to heart and I will try harder to think before reacting to him from here on out.

 

[dogmom228]

As an update, I have received the address to where my ex is staying, through his third-party contact. As a result, I will find out how to modify the existing motion to suspend parenting time such that each of us is ordered to provide a current address to each other within 30 days of a move. I feel that it's only fair that it be made a part of the permanent order in order to prevent further problems regarding his refusal to provide residential information.