Child safety concerns and room sharing

[dogmom228]

Why can't your daughter change her own underwear? Why is she pooping in her pants? Does she need diapers at the age of 7? Does she not know how to wipe? Do you expect her FATHER to wipe her butt? As for dirty living situation -- you dont' know where is he living and you think he is couch surfing but he has dishes in the sink for weeks -- why can't your children do chores at dad's house? Why can't your children TAKE SHOWERS? Does dad padlock the bathroom and refuse to allow it?

I don't know why these things occur, but she doesn't do this at home, so clearly she knows how to wipe. The dirty dishes occurred at the home he was living in and told to move from by his previous landlord. I don't know why the kids don't do chores at their dad's house, and I know why they don't take showers. I've told them again and again that they need to - but they don't, and it's not my battle to fight. Therefore it's up to him to encourage them to do so, but he doesn't. I get them back smelly, and this is a man who makes sure he showers 1 - 2 times a day (speaking from the past when we were married). I'd think that he would encourage better hygiene in his children, but that's not up to me, is it? I have let these things go in the past, but why would the kids start voicing these things now, and to me but not him? They tell me they don't want to go to his house, yet I have always encouraged them to go in the past, regardless.

 

[RRevak]

I don't know why these things occur, but she doesn't do this at home, so clearly she knows how to wipe. The dirty dishes occurred at the home he was living in and told to move from by his previous landlord. I don't know why the kids don't do chores at their dad's house, and I know why they don't take showers. I've told them again and again that they need to - but they don't, and it's not my battle to fight. Therefore it's up to him to encourage them to do so, but he doesn't. I get them back smelly, and this is a man who makes sure he showers 1 - 2 times a day (speaking from the past when we were married). I'd think that he would encourage better hygiene in his children, but that's not up to me, is it? I have let these things go in the past, but why would the kids start voicing these things now, and to me but not him? They tell me they don't want to go to his house, yet I have always encouraged them to go in the past, regardless.

Then it isnt dad that needs an attitude adjustment, its your CHILDREN

 

[dogmom228]

If after a psyche eval he was given more time then obviously he was found adequate to be a parent. If the place is dirty what are your VERY MUCH old enough to help out children doing about it? At 7 my daughter makes her own bed every morning, does dishes after dinner AND helps do the floors in our home. No showers? Does he turn off the water? Does he ground them if they attempt to shower? These arent infants we're talking about, they're more than able to handle getting shower without assistance. And WHY ON EARTH is your 7yr old coming home in poopy panties!? Unless she isnt potty trained (which is a whole other issue) there is NO reason she should be coming home in poopy clothing. Either your children are so juvenile that they are purposely relying on dad to do anything while in his care or you're coming up with some real whoppers....

I agree that they should be doing chores. They do chores at my house. I know they're able to take care of themselves, shower, etc... I don't know WHY they don't do these things at their dad's. I do know that he treats them like 3 and 6 year olds - I've heard the conversations (previous attorney recommended I record phone calls which I did for a year). Perhaps this is more of an issue between them, but again, what am I supposed to do about it, sit by and do nothing?

 

[GoodDadtoBK]

OP, YOU are the parent who spends the majority of the time with these kids. Yes, it IS your responsibility to teach them proper hygene and health habits. Regardless of where they are or who they are with, they should know by these ages how important it is to shower on a regular basis (without being told to do so).

 

[Silverplum]

I agree that they should be doing chores. They do chores at my house. I know they're able to take care of themselves, shower, etc... I don't know WHY they don't do these things at their dad's. I do know that he treats them like 3 and 6 year olds - I've heard the conversations (previous attorney recommended I record phone calls which I did for a year). Perhaps this is more of an issue between them, but again, what am I supposed to do about it, sit by and do nothing?

I don't believe that one little teensy weensy ittle bit.

 

[GoodDadtoBK]

Yes, you are supposed to do nothing!

You are supposed to allow Dad to parent the way he sees fit during HIS parentint time. If the kids smell when they get home, put them in the shower and disinfect them!

Until you have real proof that he is neglecting these kids, you are out of line by trying to control what goes on during his time with the kids.

 

[dogmom228]

OP, I can recognize and acknowledge your reasons for concern, however, you can only do what the law allows. If, down the road, one of the kids is injured, it is not out of your neglect, but his. At that time, you can jump up and go to court. It can be very tough to see the kids you love, going off to dads, while you worry about the bad things that could happen. That said, all kinds of bad things can happen, while they are with you, in spite of all the attention to detail you try and show. Your best course of action is counsel the kids, reminding them to exercise good judgement, even if dad doesn't always. Children really do grow up in spite of their parents.

Thank you, so much, for this advice, OH!

So... given the amount of criticism I've taken from all of you on the motion - a knee-jerk reaction again, huh? Do I not have the right to know that the children are safe and not in a transient situation? I have tried to communicate my concern with the kids' dad, but he throws it back in my face and refuses to give me any information - whether he's with friends, whether he's in a place of his own... whether he's living out of a refrigerator box...

 

[LdiJ]

I don't believe that one little teensy weensy ittle bit.

It might have been true back in the beginning, when dad was a flight risk etc.

 

[RRevak]

I agree that they should be doing chores. They do chores at my house. I know they're able to take care of themselves, shower, etc... I don't know WHY they don't do these things at their dad's. I do know that he treats them like 3 and 6 year olds - I've heard the conversations (previous attorney recommended I record phone calls which I did for a year). Perhaps this is more of an issue between them, but again, what am I supposed to do about it, sit by and do nothing?

By filing frivolous motions in court, freaking out about EVERYTHING dad does and essentially treating dad like he isnt capable it isnt entirely out of the realm of possibility that this has rubbed off on your children. If you have spent the last few years disrespecting him as a parent why on earth should your children respect him? What are you doing to teach your children that behaving like this at dads isnt going to fly and needs to be corrected pronto? Time to adjust your own attitude towards him, and kick your kids in the seats of their pants. Show them that he demands respect and that even if they're with him, rules are rules and the same basic rules at your house are the same basic rules that must be followed at his or there will be consequences on both ends. Its also time to do a major brush-up on those co-parenting skills.

 

[dogmom228]

OP, YOU are the parent who spends the majority of the time with these kids. Yes, it IS your responsibility to teach them proper hygene and health habits. Regardless of where they are or who they are with, they should know by these ages how important it is to shower on a regular basis (without being told to do so).

Correct, and I have done this. The kids don't have to be told to do so at home. It is part of their every day routine. I have taught them everything I can.

 

[dogmom228]

It might have been true back in the beginning, when dad was a flight risk etc.

I was told by my attorney to record conversations when the restraining order was issued.

 

[dogmom228]

By filing frivolous motions in court, freaking out about EVERYTHING dad does and essentially treating dad like he isnt capable it isnt entirely out of the realm of possibility that this has rubbed off on your children. If you have spent the last few years disrespecting him as a parent why on earth should your children respect him? What are you doing to teach your children that behaving like this at dads isnt going to fly and needs to be corrected pronto? Time to adjust your own attitude towards him, and kick your kids in the seats of their pants. Show them that he demands respect and that even if they're with him, rules are rules and the same basic rules at your house are the same basic rules that must be followed at his or there will be consequences on both ends. Its also time to do a major brush-up on those co-parenting skills.

Thank you RRevak. I can't correct their behavior at his house, only he can, and it seems he won't, but there are consequences at my home when I find out they have behaved in a manner contrary to how I parent them. He also won't get involved in their schooling, but I have held my tongue when it comes to how he parents, because we don't agree and we never will.

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

Thank you, so much, for this advice, OH!

So... given the amount of criticism I've taken from all of you on the motion - a knee-jerk reaction again, huh? Do I not have the right to know that the children are safe and not in a transient situation? I have tried to communicate my concern with the kids' dad, but he throws it back in my face and refuses to give me any information - whether he's with friends, whether he's in a place of his own... whether he's living out of a refrigerator box...

No, unfortunately for your piece of mind, you don't. I have known more than one dad, who, after the additional cost of child support, could not afford a place of their own. They would exercise their visitation at a friends or relatives. It is condescending and humiliating, to make an issue of an ex's living situation, employment or income. If he needs to live in a refrigerator box or homeless shelter, that is irrelevant. What is relevant is that he pays his child support and legally provides for them during visitation. They need to know this also. You set that tone. My stepdaughters dad lived in a tent, several years. We made sure she had pocket money, when dad took her for visits. He now has a union job and will be helping with her college expenses and is buying her a used car for xmas.

 

[CSO286]

Thank you, so much, for this advice, OH!

So... given the amount of criticism I've taken from all of you on the motion - a knee-jerk reaction again, huh? Do I not have the right to know that the children are safe and not in a transient situation? I have tried to communicate my concern with the kids' dad, but he throws it back in my face and refuses to give me any information - whether he's with friends, whether he's in a place of his own... whether he's living out of a refrigerator box...

"Safe" and "transient" are not mutually exclusive.

 

[Proserpina]

I agree that they should be doing chores. They do chores at my house. I know they're able to take care of themselves, shower, etc... I don't know WHY they don't do these things at their dad's. I do know that he treats them like 3 and 6 year olds - I've heard the conversations (previous attorney recommended I record phone calls which I did for a year). Perhaps this is more of an issue between them, but again, what am I supposed to do about it, sit by and do nothing?

You..were recording phone calls between the children and their father?

Holy hannah, Mom.

PLEASE take LdiJ's advice on this thread.

You are going to sink yourself if you don't focus.