Child Support Reduction

[LdiJ]

I don't see myself as selfish. When I married my husband, I had known him for 8 years as a friend. I knew what kind of person he was and still is. I got a taste of motherhood through my stepchildren and I got to see more of what sort of man my husband is. Our son was a total surprise, but was very much wanted. We were emotionally ready for a child together as well as being financially prepared. My husband is active duty Air Force and one of the perks is medical and dental insurance. Not long before our son was born, we got custody of my stepdaughter, so I got 2 kids almost right on top of each other. I am currently expecting our second and last child together. This baby was planned. We sat down as a family and discussed the ways our lives would change if we decided to bring another life into the house. My husband and I also decided that 3 kids will be enough because no one knows what the future may bring and the last thing we want is to make any of them suffer. No one twisted my arm to conceive our kids. But, AHA, it was not just MY choice...my husband helped to make our kids so it was a joint decision, unlike my husband's ex-wife who took it upon her self to abandon her child.
And nextwife, I totally agree with you on the adoption issue. My mother was adopted. My stepson was adopted by my husband because his birth father showed no interest. And, we have been discussing TPR with step-parent adoption regarding my stepdaughter, who I think of as my own child. If the TPR goes through, great...if not, no worries because I will always claim this child as my own because I am the one who is here for her.

Carol

I don't think she was refering to you specifically. You obviously could afford the additional children, therefore there was no reason for you not to have them.

I think that the most "classic" example of the type of people that some are referring to is this one: (true story) I overheard this conversation in a mall one time.

"He has to pay XXX.XX a month to the mother of his first child, and XXX.XX a month to the mother of his second child, and XXX.XX a month to the mother of his third child, and he has nothing left to use for OUR children after the child support and insurance comes out of his check!" (I don't remember what the amounts were, but they were a little lower than the average child support amount...and they descended with each child)

I sat there thinking, well yeah, DUH, of course he doesn't. I couldn't believe that she had two or more kids with him knowing that he already had to pay child support to three other mothers for three other kids! Its one thing if someone does it knowingly and with the expectation that they will have to support their kids themselves (without dad's assistance)..otherwise its crazy.

She also went on to say the same sort of thing about how he should be able to go on with his life and make a new family, without the new family suffering.

 

[carofl93]

My hormones are on overtime so I got a bit on the pissy side LOL. Ahhh the joy of motherhood.

 

[nextwife]

In my book there is nothing selfish about having children.

Exactly. I was addressing your statement that having children is just never a selfish thing to do. I disagree about that. You are settled, in a stable relationship and financially capable- you and your husband CAN provide for your child. Yours is the situation one should try to wait for before having their children.

I think a lot of woman are not nearly as proactive as they should be about deferring pregnancy. WE are capable of procreating for a very long time. We could wait until a better parenting partnership comes along. WE could wait until our relationships have some time behind them. Better for us, better for our children, better for our partner.

The reverse of that is my friend's "evil" stepdaughter. She was single, 18, not interested in her education (skipped school), and despirate to have a baby because she was jealous of the attention another teen friend was getting because of hers. It was also an excuse for her to not succeed.

She was actually telling guys she was ALREADY pregnant so she could convince them no condom was necessary before she had sex with them (in her efforts to get pregnant).

Was she selfish? Darn tootin. She was thinking ONLY of what SHE wanted. Didn't care if her partner wanted a baby, didn't care if she was no way ready or able to provide for a baby. Didn't really think about whether being born into that situation was fair for the baby she wanted to make. That WAS selfish.

 

[carofl93]

I hear where you're coming from. I have an acquaintance (can't call her a friend with the way she lives her life) who keeps popping kids out even though she can't take care of the ones she has. I'm a bit blinded because my son was born of love, as will be this upcoming baby. I could never see my as a way to make a quick buck because I love them so much. That is what aggravates me so much about my SD's mom bailing on her. It's not about the money that she should be paying, it's about the child herself who has gone through hell because we have no explanation to give her about why her mother just doesn't care. I hope that when she gets older she realizes that I have always loved her and will continue to do so, and that good parents don't just leave.

Carol