Custody of grandchild - possible without a fight?

[InnaPickle]

What is the name of your state? Washington

Hi, have an 18 year old daughter who lives here with us in our home (for now, we are kicking her out end of Apr. - see this thread) She has an 11 month old child that we have decided would be better taken care of with us, since she has nowhere else to go when she is booted, chances are she will end up in a shelter. What I would like to know is what rights do we have and is it a viable option to take her to court for custody? (we have very little money, so a drag out fight would be cost prohibitive). Also, we know the babies father (who is in NY) has shown an interest in getting her, but he cant stay out of jail long enough to raise her. Does this look like a long, drawn out legal battle here or do you think we have a chance of getting custody without it financially ruining us (which would'nt help the baby either).....sigh . We have three other children to take care of as well (17 - problems as well, 12 and 9) and are young grandparents (38)

 

[abstract99]

Yowsa.. perhaps I should be getting you the number for oprah. Have you asked either one of the parents if they will willingly sign custody over to you?

 

[bradybunchmom]

if you kick daughter outr, you cant keep grandchild

do you think that if you kick her out, that youll get to keep the baby? sorry doesnt work that way. unless you can prove her and the father legally unfit, you have no chance of getting custody. if your daughter moves out, she has the right to take HER baby with her.she and the father have more rights then grandparents do.

 

[InnaPickle]

Yowsa.. perhaps I should be getting you the number for oprah. Have you asked either one of the parents if they will willingly sign custody over to you?

Tell me about it... more like Springer.....As soon as she gets home from skipping school we are telling her we are going to take the baby any way possible. We are not giving our daughter the choice as we know the baby would not be very well cared for if she went with her. But, the father might put up a fight (he is currently oblivious as to what is going on). Although what we are going to do will probably ruin us financially, we can't let the baby suffer for her mistakes.

 

[InnaPickle]

do you think that if you kick her out, that youll get to keep the baby? sorry doesnt work that way. unless you can prove her and the father legally unfit, you have no chance of getting custody. if your daughter moves out, she has the right to take HER baby with her.she and the father have more rights then grandparents do.

If you go to the link in my first post, you will see proving her unfit won't be too difficult (there is a novel to this story, so I won't elaborate much more on it). The father has been in and out of jail for traffic stuff and dealing with minors...so no problem there either....I hope. The big issue I guess is if the 18 year old decides to fight us in court what it will cost and if there is something available that can help us ease the burden financially. Besides, do you really think the court will think the baby is better off in a shelter with her mother than with her loving grandparents in a secure, loving environment? If so, then our society is going downhill quick. The idea of a baby being better off on the streets simply because she will be with her biological mother is absurd. It takes more than giving birth to make you a mother, right?

 

[misslawli]

I think the main problem you have is that until there is a court order in place, you have no legal rights to the baby. Just by what you have posted on the other thread, that is NOWHERE NEAR enough to prove unfitness for her. If you do as you said you were going to, Sit her down and tell her your taking her baby, She can pick up her stuff and the baby and run. Then it will be a bad situation. It would be best for you to have the paperwork filed and her know nothing until she is served. There has to be alot more than skipping school, no job and no place to stay. All she would have to do is move in with a friend, get even a part time job and since she is 18, the school thing isn't that big of deal.(She should finish school, but it won't hurt her to bad in court.) Is the baby being beaten, exposed to drugs, etc??? Those are just a few starters. It is VERY hard to prove a mother unfit. What you and I and 90% of society says is unfit, doesn't necissarily fit the legal term. And also from what you have posted, the baby might well be sent to foster care rather tatn with you.
Document everything, get everything in order first.

 

[InnaPickle]

I think the main problem you have is that until there is a court order in place, you have no legal rights to the baby. Just by what you have posted on the other thread, that is NOWHERE NEAR enough to prove unfitness for her. If you do as you said you were going to, Sit her down and tell her your taking her baby, She can pick up her stuff and the baby and run. Then it will be a bad situation. It would be best for you to have the paperwork filed and her know nothing until she is served. There has to be alot more than skipping school, no job and no place to stay. All she would have to do is move in with a friend, get even a part time job and since she is 18, the school thing isn't that big of deal.(She should finish school, but it won't hurt her to bad in court.) Is the baby being beaten, exposed to drugs, etc??? Those are just a few starters. It is VERY hard to prove a mother unfit. What you and I and 90% of society says is unfit, doesn't necissarily fit the legal term. And also from what you have posted, the baby might well be sent to foster care rather tatn with you.
Document everything, get everything in order first.

The baby is not being beaten or exposed to drugs, but is being ignored. She will cry and cry and cry until her mother picks her up. Alot of the time, she will take a nap after school (must be nice) and sleep while the baby is screaming her head off right next to her. Think this wakes her up? Nope. We have to wake her up and tell her to take care of her kid. I think this child is being scarred more emotionally than anything else. And alot of times, this is the worse abuse of all. Too bad it looks like it will be a longshot for us to get custody....she's a sweet baby.

As far as moving in with a friend goes, her boyfriend just dumped her because he is sick of her ruining her life and the way she is, and she really has no 'friends' out her in WA that are on thier own. We moved from NY and she left them all back there (good thing, too - what a bunch of winners THEY were ). So in a nutshell, if we kick her out....she is screwed, she has no place to go. She has been looking for a job for the past year now with no success as well...man, I can get a job in like 10 seconds if I had to, but since she is ruining her schooling, there is another strike against her. Nobody wants to hire a dropout anymore these days.

 

[IrishLady47]

If your daughter is not taking care of the baby, you need to file a report with CPS, NOW!! This is a way of documenting she is unfit. Depending of the results of their investigation, they may think you should file for temporary guardianship of the baby. Or they may think foster care is more appropriate at this time. If they feel your daughter is unfit or neglectful of the child, they usually put the parent on a plan/counseling to prove fitness to care for the child.

Your daughter needs to face up to her responsibilities, the biggest was choosing to be a mother. If she can't do that or become capable w/in a short timeframe (like 1 year), the baby should be adopted. You taking over care of the baby is not going to help, you just enabling her irresponsibility. Be honest w/yourself, you are already having trouble w/2 out of 4 kids. Are you really capable of raising another? Maybe for the next 18 yrs?

Forget your pride (I'M THE GRANDPA) or your guilt (IT'S MY FAMILY DUTY). And, selfishness (BUT I LOVE THE BABY & WOULD MISS HIM). What is really the best chance of this baby having a good shot at life? He needs a parent/parents who will take care of him. So either Mom gets her act together quickly or the child should be taken away from her. He shouldn't suffer.

Best of luck!!

 

[Shel77]

I too think the courts would look at your situation and not place the baby with you, even if and this is a huge "IF" they decided to take the baby away from her mother. Like someone else pointed out what makes you a fit parent it is obvious you didn't do that well with the baby's mother and so in all practicality you contributed to the baby's issues by not raising a child capable of being a good mother, Irish said 2 out 4 children you raised have 'issues' I think when the other 2 get old enough they have a good chance of being in the same boat as the older problematic two are. With all this being said what makes you think you can do a better job at parenting than she is. I understand she has no job or place to live in WA she may decide to take herself and the baby back to NY. You say she has had issues with her schooling, unless there is something I am missing here, if she's 18 she should have already graduated HS and if she hasn't that falls back on you in a way, you were in charge of her up until she turned 18 why did she not graduate school while under your authority. I honestly don't think allowing a baby to cry while she sleeps is right but it's not enough for them to look at your parenting skills and determine your going to do a good/better job. I think the fact here is do you think the baby is in enough trouble to have her put in foster care? Because chances are that’s where she will go.

 

[InnaPickle]

Shel77, about 3-4 years ago when the two oldest were locked in thier rooms, they managed to pick the locks on thier shackles, dismantle the bricks closing in thier window and shimmy down the side of the house to escape. We had microchips implanted in them when they were babies but they wrapped themselves in tinfoil so we couldn't track them with our GPS. They got into our car and found our stash of drugs (and lot's of them!) and it was all downhill from there.

Ok, immature rant is now over - I should have known that an open forum always attracts players from both sides of the field, so this is by no means a way to try and change your opinion. I have come to terms that there are many people out there that believe if someone's child does something horrible or immoral or whatever, it is always the parent's fault. The reason my oldest got pregnant was due to overactive hormones and a bad decision on HER part not to use birth control - something quite common amound teenagers these days. In hindsight, I apologize for not making sure her boyfriend was wearing a condom (as this is my responsibility as a 'good parent'). The 17 year old (which we have the primary school-skipping issue with) has been to 4 different schools over the past 3.5 years to try and find a good program for her so that should would attend. This kid is street smart way beyond her years, but lacks in the brains department. Sure, there are people who say "Just grab her by the hair and drag her to school! Be the parent!". Well, I am not dumb enough to lay a single finger on this kid. She has told us over and over that she would call the police if we ever touched her (yes, she would lie and make it much bigger than just a slap in the face, arm grab, or whatever). Don't know about you, but I'm not to kean on going to jail on the words of this teenager (and everyone knows that teenagers don't lie ).

The 18 year old did not graduate high school because she got pregnant when she was 17 and missed too much school to graduate.

I certainly hope that neither of them kill anyone when they get older. I would feel terrible if I was the cause of someone's death. I would go so far as to say that if the two younger end up this way that I will send you a check worth the equivalent of everything the 17 year old has stolen from us over the years. Let's just say that you would be able to feed your family for a month on it.

 

[Shel77]

My point is that it is aweful that instead of investing some time and money into getting these children into a program even if it ment sending them to JD where they would be forced to go to school, it got so out of hand that now you are spending time and money to fight for your grandchild that your daughter is in your opinion unable to raise, hind sight I suppose. If she has no interest in this child and ignores her why did she not choose to put her up for adoption? I feel for you but I think that you have to take some blame in all of this, she did not just wake up one day deciding to be a drop out, become sexually active, and become an underage mother of a child with no father (involved that is). There must have been some major issues there. You had her when you were 20 so I suppose you were not old enough to be having kids either, I have to ask when you and your wife got pregnet what did your parents do? It must not have been too bad or you would not have had another 1 yr. latter. Maybe instead of just getting rid of her beacuse she has gone astray you could spend this money getting your girls some help put her in a program if shes willing and tell her she can stay in your home and you will help her but shes got to put effort into turning her life around, sit down and have a serious talk about where she is headed but not in front of her siblings. As far as the 17 year old get her in something now I am think a 'boot camp' type program you only have until she's 18 to help her weather she likes it or not. I honestly think you can turn this around you just need to get someone to help you.

 

[InnaPickle]

I guess a little more info is needed to help evryone understand our situation. The two oldest HAVE been given MULTIPLE chances of turning thier lives around. We ARE helping her out. She lives with us and we are helping her with expanses and such...BUT...one thing we said was you MUST go to school, or out you go. We are not going to have her freeload off of us until she's 30 simply because she ruins her life by not doing the simple act of getting her education. I think the best thing for her would be to get a taste of the real life and to see how good she had it with us helping her.

I am the stepfather, so the two oldest are not mine, the two youngest are. Thier father is in Florida and hasn't said boo to them in over 10 years...no cards, no calls, nothing. I am still trying to figure out how we are partially to blame for any of this situation? We didn't abuse them. gave them lots of love, never treated them any different than the others. Everyone was equal.

And we did enlighten her on her options when we were told she was pregnant. We told her to make a decision: Either have an abortion, put it up for adoption or keep it. We discussed this at length and she decided to keep the baby. We told her we would help her out, but it would NOT be a picnic. She agreed. Well, I guess over time she thought she could have her old life back (no responsibilities), and boys became her main focus instead of the baby. Spending hours at a time talking on the phone to a new boy every other day while the baby sits in her walker crying. Constantly having to tell her to get off the damn phone and take care of her kid.

As for the 17 year old, we cannot afford a 'boot camp' although I must admit I have researched that option long and hard....ah, to dream.

Sigh....you know what? Perhaps everyone is right and we are just doomed to endure this. If anyone has ANY positive experiences to share about thier teenagers, please let me know, as I could use a cheering up.

PS: If you don't have kids, don't bother responding. This may sound harsh, but if you don't have kids then you don't know sh*t. I could care less about any degree you might hold, it's as good as scrap paper. My two oldest are perfect angelss around strangers - they know how to play the game.

 

[InnaPickle]

Recap

I'll go over what I am looking for.

1) Although the 18 is not 'abusing' the grandchild, she is being ignored. We placed rules in place that we ALWAYS enforce, no empty threats here is THIS camp. We told her stay in school, or out you go. She is not going to school, so she now has until the end of April to find someplace else to live. (I figured a month was generous). Knowing that the baby would fair much better living with us than with the mother who will be homeless in approx. 30 days, do we have a chance of getting custody of her, yes or no.

2) The 17 wants to be with the 18. IF the 18 moves out at the end of the month and finds a place to stay (irrelevant of wheather or not the baby is with her), can the 18 be gaurdian of the 17? Yes or no. What legal ramifications are we held to if the 17 'runs away' to be with the 18? Do we report her as a runaway?

Thanks

 

[Shel77]

Just so you know I do have a son 3 yrs. old. We (my husband and I) have also taken on the responsibility of raising my now 17 yr. old brother who was getting into so much trouble. So I spoke to my dad who was getting no where with him and now we have taken him. It hasn't been easy and there have been allot of hard times but he is doing so much better now. We put him through a 1 yr 'rehab/boot camp' type program that really help him with respect I also enrolled him in a community college here that offers high school credits and is a free program, I think he does better there because its only 3 vs. 5 days a week and he gets to go and just do his work without dealing with all the BS most HS have. I wish you the best of luck and hopefully it will teach her a lesson I just hope that it doesn't get worse like if she were to go back to NY with the baby and never speak to you again. I was unaware that you were the step-dad in this so you can't really be blamed however her mother and bio-father are, like I said this child was not predestined to become all of these things it was a matter of her environment and circumstances that has lead her this way. Does her bio-father have any role in her life at all?

 

[Shel77]

1) You can try to get custody of your granddaughter however unless the mother and father allow this it will be expensive and hard due to the fact that you have to PROVE her unfit. The fact that sometimes she ignores the baby will not hold up in court. Is she receiving child support from the father, If not she needs to he is responsible for this just as much as she is and has obviously moved on with his life, Fine but if he is not going to be a father he needs to pay.

2) She is not going to be able to get legal guardianship over her sister and if she (the 17 yr old) runs away yes, report her.