Do I have to send my child?

[nextwife]

I especially love when the CP, who IS recieving CS from the NCP BECAUSE he is working and has a job, is pissed because there are sometimes demands by that very same job that pays the CS that the NCP WORK at certain times. One can't always control the needs of a client of a company, a production schedule, covering times another co-worker is on vacation or ill and the NCP must cover. They probably are not happy about working either, but if they WEREN'T working and therefore able to pay CS, wouldn't the CP also be upset? You can't have it both ways! There are times one CAN'T finish work in order to have their child the entire day or at the beginning of the visitation time. When our kids live with us, we get to see them each day before and after work, NCPs don't get that. Why should the time they do have during that short stretch be further denied them, if they will be able to at least use PARTS of that time? I mean, you don't want him to dump the job so he's free the whole time!

I hate it when the CP, who GETS to have the child with them the majority of the time, wants to get pissy because NCP has to work some of their visitation time (and NO, not all jobs can always be controlled so that time can be arranged off). Is the complaining CP willing to give up some CS so those hours need NOT be worked? Basically, the job to pay CS may require they be there.

 

[Meursault]

Why don't we just cut the kid in half and the problem is solved.

 

[nextwife]

Thanks, Solomon.

 

[WantingJeremy]

Just my 2 cents on the ordeal, first and formost, this is YOUR child? Did you make it all by yourself? Ifso way to go With you talking like that it makes me wonder allready if you have realized or not that the child also has another family that it has to grow and love as well as your side of the family, this is my #1 issue with parents and custody and visitations. Alot of mothers/fathers do not understand that the stability and well being of the child should be first and formost important when you come to question things like this. Is it not ok for the step mother to spend time with the child? Weather you like it or not, the step mother is going to be in the picture even when the father is working all day. Why not just let her have the child for the day and let your son grow to know her as well? He's not going to forget about you, i promise. Yes he may cry when leaving with the other side of the family, but that all comes with adjustment to changes. And how is a child supposed to adjust to change if you dont let change happen like it should, when it should? If i was in your situation and my son was supposed to go for visitations and the father was going to be at work and not around the child for that day, I would send my son anyways, because afterall that is part of his family. She may take him to see his grandparents on that side of the family, or just have a day planned to spend with him, or even go see daddy at work for his lunch break. I wouldn't question the legals on if i have to send him with her or not, unless you honestly have a legit reason not to send him, like she is a druggie, or an alcoholic, or has a history of child abuse and has abused your child while he was in custody of the two.

Like i said, this is just my opinion, my 2 cents.

 

[Reyna7]

Evil Step Mothers????

I have been in my step children's lives for over 6 years. My SD was only 18 months when I first met her, she really does not remember a time when I wasn't around. The kids are older now and we get them one evening a week. Their father can get called out at a moments notice and so we talked this over with the kids and they all want to still come to spend time in this home...yes this is also their home and I am a huge part of their lives. I have gone on field trips, worked in their class rooms and the list goes on and on. Not all of us step moms are evil. I would hate to be denied time with them because I am insignificant according to their mother...because to them..I am important..and isn't it really about them?

To stealth2...I loved your post and you were right on. If the CP has a positive attitude when the child is being picked up, especially with little ones, it makes a huge difference. I can remember the older kids saying that their mom would say things like "I should still be here when you get home on Sunday"..implying that she might not. This would send my SD into crying fits.

 

[nextwife]

"I can remember the older kids saying that their mom would say things like "I should still be here when you get home on Sunday"..implying that she might not. This would send my SD into crying fits."

Ewww! Talk about manipulative!

 

[MBMom]

I agree with each of you who said that the parent's attitude can make a difference. It's no shock to me that a child would cry when leaving one parent's and going to another. My son has done it when going to his dad's since he was 1 1/2. It broke my heart for a long time, but I know my son's dad loves him and that my son is fine. I also know that once he's there, he's okay. I've talked to him on the phone many times, and he'll go on and on about what he's doing. It was always just the initial leaving part. I've always been very supportive and sure not to encourage my son by saying or doing things that may make it even worse.

I realized what a difference this makes when I slipped once. The last time we were in court, the Judge turned out not to allow my son to be with me until a certain time, contrary to what I expected. I cried about it and said a few things about the situation, which my son overheard. I didn't say anything bad about his dad, but even so, he KNEW something was going on. When it was time to take him back to his dad's, he said, "I don't want to go to my dad's! He doesn't like my mommy!" I know my ex wouldn't say anything like that to him, and his attitude surely came from whatever aura he picked up from me. I'll be sure never to make that same mistake again.

I know you said you don't encourage it. I just wanted to make the point that I believe attitude can make a huge difference. My son is five now and still throws fits when leaving, but I know perfectly well he'll be fine 10 minutes later.

 

[speedcam]

This should probably go in a thread of it's own, but for starters - was his lawyer talking to you outside the presence of his client? And as far as I know, there is nothing restricting an NCP from giving all or part of his/her visitation time to other people - especially relatives. It happens all the time, and I think eitehr y'all misunderstood what he said or he's wrong.

Stealth....... if this was directed to me, no they were all outside the court room after the hearing for some other issue. when he told my wife his parents would get them on his days, and my wife said no because he was not even going to be in the state for two weeks. his lawyer said that she was correct and that they didn't have any of the before mentioned rights. remember i live in wisc.

 

[nanabee2]

I don't agree with other people

undefined I don't think you should have to send the child if dad isn't there.I doubt you are jealous,it doesn't appear that way to me. My daughter put in her decree the "right to first refusal" which means if daddy isn't there then child comes home.YOU have the RIGHT to know WHO your child is with . Call, if dad isn't there in the thirty minute time limit, go get the child.He is the not obeying decree, not you. Its his visitation.Not stepmoms.

 

[Gonwin]

oneamber2 - I agree...

I totally understand where you're coming from. It is not your son's fault that his parents no longer live together! Why should he have to be away from his mommy if his daddy is not going to be with him??? I CANNOT imagine how traumatized my children would have been (at that age) if they had to be picked up by anyone else but their dad. Thank goodness, we had it written into our divorce papers that if my ex was unable to pick them up - they would stay with me. I would ask your ex to consider your sons feelings and make an agreement to allow him to stay with you if he's unable to care for him (at least until he's a little older)...

 

[nextwife]

MY daughter would be traumatized if she WAS expecting to see her daddy, and, because he had to be late at the office with a client, or his flight was delayed, and Grandma was going to pick her up spend a little time with her in between, she was not allowed to go be with him.

IF the NCP is stuck working to put food on the table for your kids, and someone the child knows and trusts has made themselves availabled to pick up the child and get them to Dad for his meager OOW time with his own kid, I think it stinks to deny them it. My daughter has only one living Grandparent left. I'm thankful for every minute she was able to spend with my husband's mom before she died. And thankful for every minute she gets with my mom while she still can. If I have a meeting or training or whatever, and my Mom or my brother (whose yongest kid attends the same school) can pick up my daughter from Camp or school - she is NOT "traumatized", she is very happy to see them.

Hopefully, your stb exs attorney is sharp enough to get that clause bumped out of what becomes the final decree.

 

[haiku]

NO NO!!! you cannot go get your kids during a legal visitation period.

umm, visitation time is the NCP's time to be CUSTODIAL, meaning they can do what THEY want, (which includes working for a living) just as the regular custodial does with thier time.

In my opinion I think it is important for kids to see that thier parents work, that you don't get things handed to you on a platter, and that life doesn't stop, just because visitation happens. Certainly unlike a CP, an NCP has to go the extra mile to get quality time with the kids, but sometimes work cannot be avoided, especially if they are going to provide for thier children, and I think that is an important lesson for ALL kids not just kids of divorce to learn.

I think it is important for an CP to understand that, and put the shoe on the other foot. If the CP wants the NCP to be there 24/7 than guess what? the CP better not be letting the kid spend any time with daycare, or THIER relatives alone. sounds silly now, eh?

life happens people, and divorce means your kids get a "new" family and its no longer YOURS. let go, and let your kids experience it, the good and the bad.

Eventually your child will get used to, and you should hope, love thier NCP's s/o's, wives, new people in thier lives etc....just as they do anyone else already in thier lives. You and dad are divorced, you cannot hide it from your kids, you have to allow your kids to see that life goes on, and there is more to a family than just "mom and dad". When given a chance, divorced children can become very strong, and roll with all the punches life gives you.

telling posters here to run and get thier kids if the NCP is not home after 30 minutes is going to land them in some very hot water, not to mention damage the kids.

 

[stealth2]

Y'all are talking to yourselves. These posters don't want to hear it. So let them learn the hard way.

 

[haiku]

Y'all are talking to yourselves. These posters don't want to hear it. So let them learn the hard way.

Hee! no kiddin, no ones listens to me any way. I just like to hear the tip tap of my keyboard LOL!

 

[Badhead]

Thanks - cause you're right - I'm very, very far from being "jealous" of the new fiancee. Remember, she is NOT NOT NOT a stepmom yet. You all have referred to her as that, but she isn't.

I wasn't going into a huge, lengthy background into why I feel the way I do...I was kind of trusting that you would trust my judgment of character. However, with the response I got, I see most people probably responded from what they know or have experienced.

I do feel lots of you border on rudeness. There are ways of writing things down that are not offensive. Some of you have been very offensive to me, and I've chosen not to reply in kind. There's no point.


As far as stepmom picking my son up or my ex not spending time with my son during his visits, I did check with my lawyer when this first happened. My ex was going away for the weekend, and, of course, I didn't want my son spending the weekend with "her"! Since she has nothing to do with anything.

Alas, I was wrong. It is HIS visitation. If he choses to have a babysitter the entire time, he can do so. That's the rules.

Thanks again for all your input. I really do value it.


Badhead