Does mom have a say in who dad brings around child?

[stealth2]

No, the father (my fiance') does not have court ordered visitation. But, he has almost religiously been driving 6 hrs to MI every other Saturday for 2 yrs to spend about 6 hrs with his daughter, and then driving 6 hrs back to Ohio in the same day. Their relationship has been very well established.

So why the hell hasn't Dad asked for standard visitation at this point?

 

[LdiJ]

And yes, she is a control freak. I contacted her via a very very polite e-mail explaining that I wanted to be part of this little girl's life and that we would have to deal with each other from here on out. I told her I wasn't looking for a new best friend but that we needed to be friendly with each other for the child's sake. I told her to call me anytime so that we could maybe talk a little without the kids being around and I told her I didn't want to replace her role as mom and would never make her daughter view me as mom, etc. Trust me, I am the mature one in this matter.

Its great that the relationship with YOUR child's father is so good. I can certainly understand you wanting to establish a good working relationship with your fiance's ex as well. I can also understand you wanting a relationship with his child.

However..........that email was a major strategic error. It doesn't matter if you are his girlfriend or his wife. You have no rights as far as his daughter is concerned and never will. No matter how polite you were you were basically telling mom that you feel that you have a right to have a relationship with the child and that she was going to have to deal with you in the future. She could actually use that email AGAINST your fiance in court.

By all means support your fiance...but leave things regarding his child between he and the mother. Its not your place to be communicating with her at all....and certainly not that kind of communication.

Once he has unsupervised visitation with the child (which will eventually happen) and once you are married, you will have all the time in the world to develop a relationship with the child. In the meantime, step back and let your fiance handle things.

 

[tbohio72]

to LDIJ

Ok, If "I" have no say, then I would expect that the judge would not use something "I" did against the father trying to obtain visitation. If it's not about me, then it's not in every regard. Keep in mind that I had said zilch for 2 YRS. It's just a shame b/c I'm trying to be the mature adult here and she's the one being unreasonable. I guess all states and judges are different. My friend went thru a situation with support and visitiation and her new husband not only went with her but put in his input as well. The judge commended her new husband for "having interest" and "getting involved" in the case. He felt it showed he had the best interest of the child in mind. But I will take your advice and hope it's not to late to back out of the picture until things are more settled, we are married, and he can bring her to Ohio.

 

[stealth2]

Ok, If "I" have no say, then I would expect that the judge would not use something "I" did against the father trying to obtain visitation. If it's not about me, then it's not in every regard.

That's not how it works. The judge could very well view your actions as meddling, and your involvement with the child/visitation to be a cause of problems between the parents.

Keep in mind that I had said zilch for 2 YRS.

Bully for you.

I guess all states and judges are different. My friend went thru a situation with support and visitiation and her new husband not only went with her but put in his input as well. The judge commended her new husband for "having interest" and "getting involved" in the case. He felt it showed he had the best interest of the child in mind. But I will take your advice and hope it's not to late to back out of the picture until things are more settled, we are married, and he can bring her to Ohio.

Every judge will view things differently. If your involvement is pissing Mom off, the judge is not likely to be impressed by your forcing yourself into the situation. So backing off for now is likely yoru wisest course of action.

 

[tbohio72]

Bully for you?

What does this mean?

 

[haiku]

oh and I just want to point out that don't expect anything magic to happen once you are married. you will still be a legal stranger with no more 'rights" than you had before you were married.

You have a LONG time to deal with this woman, there really is NO reason to have to cultivate any sort of 'relationship" with her. Especially if she is so unwilling.

let it go. let your husband deal with it exclusively. not saying you can't talk about it with and be supportive of your husband, but you should not be right there negotiating with your husband, any of your input should be behind the scenes, when it comes to direct contact with the unwilling ex.

The strain you will create by trying to have 'equal footing with your husband and his ex with thier child, will kill your marriage.

Dealing with ex's and step kids puts an extra strain on a marriage anyway, why go out of your way to create drama, if you can avoid it, by 'humouring" her. can't hurt. Actually seeing as he has to go to her state and only has short visits now, you could consider it "nice' on the part of the ex that she is kind of inviting you along. my husbands ex would NEVER do something like that, and we get along pretty good!-we DON'T talk at all.....LOL I NEVER want my name brought up as a reason to possibly deny my husband anything involving his children.

 

[stealth2]

It's a nicer way of saying "big whoop".

 

[tbohio72]

What can I do to redeem myself?

OK, I've screwed up BIGTIME by contacting the mother. Huge mistake. Other than not making any further contact with her, is there anything else I can do to redeem myself. I do not want to hurt my fiance's case. I'm sad and regretful

btw.. are the folks answering my posts lawyers?

 

[haiku]

The BEST thing you can do now is support your husbands quest for visitation in his own home, from the sideline. And from this day forward, just lay low, and when you have to be around the ex, just kill her with kindness. A smile, a nod of hello, all that stuff. Leave the kid business entirely to them when they are together, let her make the moves to you.

There are lawyers here, but most of your answers will come from moms, dads, and step parents from either or both sides of the fence, who have already gone through or continue to go through legal issues involving divorce and separation.

 

[seniorjudge]

...btw.. are the folks answering my posts lawyers?...

One of the worst and nastiest divorces I have on my docket now involves lawyers as parties.

You want somebody with some sense to answer the non-legal questions you are asking.

 

[tbohio72]

to seniorjudge

So as a judge, would you hold this e-mail I sent the mother against the father? Have I ruined his case?

 

[usedstepmom]

know how you feel

I have been in the exact same position! It is not fun trying to rationalize with a person that isn't rational. I have had death threats, etc. from the "bitter mother" and no matter what you ever do it will not be good enough. But I love my husband too much to let that be a reason to have ever called it quits. Just hang in there because she wants you go give up. She will eventually realize it is more important to have people who care about her child than trying to control everybody and make it miserable for everyone involved, especially the child!!!!!

 

[tbohio72]

thank you!

I have been in the exact same position! It is not fun trying to rationalize with a person that isn't rational. I have had death threats, etc. from the "bitter mother" and no matter what you ever do it will not be good enough. But I love my husband too much to let that be a reason to have ever called it quits. Just hang in there because she wants you go give up. She will eventually realize it is more important to have people who care about her child than trying to control everybody and make it miserable for everyone involved, especially the child!!!!!

Thank you for your encouraging words. It does make you want to give up at times. Like I said to the mom, the only thing the little girl would lose by not getting to know me is one more person to love her. It's sad b/c I have a 7 yr old who wants to meet her so badly. He writes about her in school and doesn't understand why he can't see her. (Like me, he's watched her grow up in pictures and home movies) I didn't get into the details about the mother in this forum b/c it's not the main issue at hand, but she is extremely irrational. For example, she told the dad that their daughter would never go to college b/c her new son from her new relationship wouldn't have the same opportunity (money wise). She won't let him take her fun places b/c her the other child & cousins don't have that priveledge. She has her kids in the hospital at least once a month. When my fiance does have the rare occasion of taking her out, she blames him for getting the girl sick and it ends up being an ear infection or nothing at all. Crazy.

 

[kittien2000]

I have to put my 2 cents in and possibly get killed in the meantime. I have a situation like this but I am the mother of the child. The new fiance in my situation has determined that I am over controlling and that my childs father can do whatever he wants with our son. This involves having our son in situations that I deem unsafe. Such as around her 2 Rottweilers. Previously my sons father agreed that this was unsafe and now since they have gotten back together it is "none of my business". I have to disagree that my sons safety is my business. I also asked that prior to him having our son with the new fiance that I be able to meet her as I would extend the same courtesy to him. This of course is deemed irrational because it is none of my business. Once I did meet her, after a year of lying that our son was not being around the dogs, lo and behold, 2 days later they filed for custody. It seems to be very vindictive as prior to their engagement my sons father & I had an congenial relationship and now the words coming from his mouth seem to be regurgitated from her. Child support has stopped, visitation is an issue, healthcare etc. I personally did not think she was that bad of a person, just wanting to control all issues and I cannot speak with my sons father now without her answering his cell phone or involving herself. Just a view from the other side of the fence, not the exact same situation but maybe time will heal both sides.

 

[tbohio72]

I have to put my 2 cents in and possibly get killed in the meantime. I have a situation like this but I am the mother of the child. The new fiance in my situation has determined that I am over controlling and that my childs father can do whatever he wants with our son. This involves having our son in situations that I deem unsafe. Such as around her 2 Rottweilers. Previously my sons father agreed that this was unsafe and now since they have gotten back together it is "none of my business". I have to disagree that my sons safety is my business. I also asked that prior to him having our son with the new fiance that I be able to meet her as I would extend the same courtesy to him. This of course is deemed irrational because it is none of my business. Once I did meet her, after a year of lying that our son was not being around the dogs, lo and behold, 2 days later they filed for custody. It seems to be very vindictive as prior to their engagement my sons father & I had an congenial relationship and now the words coming from his mouth seem to be regurgitated from her. Child support has stopped, visitation is an issue, healthcare etc. I personally did not think she was that bad of a person, just wanting to control all issues and I cannot speak with my sons father now without her answering his cell phone or involving herself. Just a view from the other side of the fence, not the exact same situation but maybe time will heal both sides.

Well, it sounds like you are a very rational mom. I would agree with you on the dog situation. This is what makes this so irritating to me. I am not like this other woman you described. I am a mom, too, of a 7 yr old. I told the mom that I understand her feelings and have even tried to help my fiance' understand her motherly concerns. I've even agreed with her on issues she's brought up. Everyone who knows me says that my own father's child is very lucky to have someone like me as his child's mother. If you read back thru the thread, you'll see that I first approached the mom about us meeting. I WANT to meet her. I DON'T WANT my visit to be spend at her place every time (this is what she wants). She can bring their daughter around whomever she wants (she lives with another man) but my fiance cannot do the same. For the past 2 years, she says it's okay for me to come up and visit, but for 2 years.. 2 years.. she has yet to make good on her word. Excuse after excuse.. she'll go back to she doesn't want to meet me, then she does but under xyz circumstances, and then back to she doensn't. I understand the position of the mother whole heartedly. I think she would be very lucky to have me versus some of the other controlling step-mom who I know first hand. I just want a chance to prove myself. I don't want to be best friends with her, but we need a civil relationship. Once she meets me, she'll know I'm genuine.