Evil Ex

[CJane]

And, IF the child is being abused, then CALL DFS! You don't just file for custody, that's not how it works. You have to have to be able to PROVE that the mother is unfit. Not that you don't like her lifestyle, not that you're BETTER than her, not that she drinks, not that she smokes, not that the kid has the occasional injury. You have to PROVE that the child is in pretty much constant danger. It's almost impossible when there is CLEAR PROOF of abuse, let alone a case of "Well, she has bruises and stuff, but we didn't think it was a big enough deal to actually TELL anyone about."

Kids get hurt. Even with parents supervising them. My 8yo burnt the tips of all 5 fingers on her right hand when she was helping me make dinner one night. When she was 3, she grabbed a knife and fell and stuck it in her forehead. Last weekend, I was carrying my 5 year old out of the movie theater, tripped and fell, and she landed a foot away from me. She's got some incredible bruises from that one. My 8yo falls off her horse regularly. The 5yo falls off her bike. The cat occasionally gets pissed off and bites the crap out of one of them. Sometimes, they play too rough and one of them winds up hurt. And most of those things happen when a grown up is standing RIGHT THERE. Kids don't exist in a bubble, and if you think that the occasional injury = unfitness on the part of a parent, you're insane.

 

[bliss_in_texas]

Well, I can't imagine the ex wife doing that, abusing her daughter? But somethings not right. Maybe someone else is (GASP!!!!!!!!) Or maybe Annie plays really really really hard and gets hurt a lot, OR maybe she's not being watched and that explains the 1/2 inch circle burn mark on her arm or the chunk of skin missing from her foot. It's hard to say really. (And yes, i'm ready to hear that a parent can't watch their children EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY... I know you sneaky little suckers are going to say that.) Do I think her mom DID these things to her? No I don't truely think she would. So I guess take the part about abuse out of my first post, I'm sorry I wrote that. But leave that neglect part in there. You just never know these days.

Can you say...........................psychotic?
I'm curious, how do you know that the mom is off drinking all the time? Are you stalking her? Do you have a P.I.? Oh, wait, I bet that's what your husband says ............. it must be true.

 

[BethM]

I'm curious about something. Was this child's father interested in gaining full custody of his daughter before you two got married?

I'm going to assume that he spent some time single in between marriages right? I'm going to also assume that he did some partying of his own during those single days. When you two were dating and he was single and partying where was his daughter? I'm sure he probably found himself at a few parties where there were kegs and some beer drinking going on. Where was his daughter while he was partaking of his good times during his single days?

Oh, wait, I'm betting she was home with her mother. I'm betting while he was single he didn't put too much thought into who was watching his daughter every time he left the house to enjoy himself did he? Of course, we might be dealing with a little bit of a double standard here. More than likely you would think it OK for him to party as a single father since he was not the custodial parent. Am I right? Her being the custodial parent means she has to live up to a higher standard...one you have determined for her.

You want to pass judgment on her for being the one who has to find a place to leave her children if she wants to get away and have some fun. Sounds to me like she is being responsible if she is leaving them with her parents. She knows right where they are and I'm betting the grandparents know how to get in touch with her if they have an emergency.

How many times during the time you were dating your new husband did the two of you give notice to the person who was taking care of his child of your where abouts, your comings and goings? How many times did you feel it was your responsibility to account for your behavior to the woman who is raising his daughter?

Now that you are married and want to set up house and play BEST MOMMY IN THE WORLD you actually think you have some right to this other woman's child. I've got some advice for you...you want a child, have one of your own. This mom probably has the stretch marks, sleepless nights and worry lines to prove that she is the one who has taken care of and loved this child.

I've got a picture of my son when he was 3 1/2. He fell flat on his face and his nose is one HUGE scab. Thank God there was no all knowing stepmother like you in my life at that time. I've got one that my mother shows my son at times. He was dressed in an outfit that was too small for him. My mother uses it to tease me with and tell me I should be ashamed of myself for dressing him that way.

Your ignorance of what a mother is and what it takes to mother a child is evident. Until you have a child of your own, are left alone to raise that child on your own, you have no right to pass judgment on any other mother or how she chooses to live her life or raise her child.

Best thing for you to do is get it out of your head that you are going to tear this child away from the only mother she has ever had. In your uneducated, misguided attempt to do good you will be doing irriversible damage. That, my dear would be ABUSE.

 

[helen7]

Very well put Beth! I think that it was the "redneck" comment in the OP that did this gal in.

 

[nagol818]

I'm curious about something. Was this child's father interested in gaining full custody of his daughter before you two got married?

I'm going to assume that he spent some time single in between marriages right? I'm going to also assume that he did some partying of his own during those single days. When you two were dating and he was single and partying where was his daughter? I'm sure he probably found himself at a few parties where there were kegs and some beer drinking going on. Where was his daughter while he was partaking of his good times during his single days?

Oh, wait, I'm betting she was home with her mother. I'm betting while he was single he didn't put too much thought into who was watching his daughter every time he left the house to enjoy himself did he? Of course, we might be dealing with a little bit of a double standard here. More than likely you would think it OK for him to party as a single father since he was not the custodial parent. Am I right? Her being the custodial parent means she has to live up to a higher standard...one you have determined for her.

You want to pass judgment on her for being the one who has to find a place to leave her children if she wants to get away and have some fun. Sounds to me like she is being responsible if she is leaving them with her parents. She knows right where they are and I'm betting the grandparents know how to get in touch with her if they have an emergency.

How many times during the time you were dating your new husband did the two of you give notice to the person who was taking care of his child of your where abouts, your comings and goings? How many times did you feel it was your responsibility to account for your behavior to the woman who is raising his daughter?

Now that you are married and want to set up house and play BEST MOMMY IN THE WORLD you actually think you have some right to this other woman's child. I've got some advice for you...you want a child, have one of your own. This mom probably has the stretch marks, sleepless nights and worry lines to prove that she is the one who has taken care of and loved this child.

I've got a picture of my son when he was 3 1/2. He fell flat on his face and his nose is one HUGE scab. Thank God there was no all knowing stepmother like you in my life at that time. I've got one that my mother shows my son at times. He was dressed in an outfit that was too small for him. My mother uses it to tease me with and tell me I should be ashamed of myself for dressing him that way.

Your ignorance of what a mother is and what it takes to mother a child is evident. Until you have a child of your own, are left alone to raise that child on your own, you have no right to pass judgment on any other mother or how she chooses to live her life or raise her child.

Best thing for you to do is get it out of your head that you are going to tear this child away from the only mother she has ever had. In your uneducated, misguided attempt to do good you will be doing irriversible damage. That, my dear would be ABUSE.

You go girl! I need to save this one!

 

[stealth2]

Kids get hurt. Even with parents supervising them.

Yep. I had one burn his hand badly grabbing a motorcycle exhaust, standing right next to his father. Same one slashed his foot open at my parents' house walking barefoot in the yard. The other burned her hand on hot oil when we had fondue one New Year's Eve. And slammed face first into a coffee table while learning to walk. And so on, and so forth. Sometimes I'd look at the one or the other and think to myself "Sheesh! If I didn't know better, I'd wonder who's beating these kids!" from the bumps, bruises, scrapes, etc they'd have.

 

[mom2three]

My son was playing outside (unsupervised....!!!!) with a neighbor boy and got whacked in the face with a real golf club....oh...and my daughter insists on wearing the same red socks to school every day. (insert dixie theme here)

 

[haiku]

OK, I am not sure if it was established if our OP has kids of her own, but I do know that perceptions of perfect motherhood change once you actually have your own rough and tumble toddler.

When my kiddo was 3, in the space of 3 months, she split her head open after falling into a stucco wall (who would have thought?) I slammed her hand into a car door, while supervising a bunch of packages and her and my step children, and then to top it off, she had a window slam down on her OTHER hand at my parents house. I was expecting wither CPS or at least the emergency room would just give me some sort of ATM card!

knock on wood, but no major crisis since, and she is 7 now.

the next thing I learned is, understanding that when you marry someone with 'baggage" you can either spend the rest of your life with them whining about said baggage, or sit back and enjoy the show.

before you were in the picture there was something thrilling about your S/O flirt with the darkside, or he would not have history and a kid with it. technically speaking, your S/O is as much to blame for the kids living conditions as the parent who has custody.

honestly you gotta get over it. my husbands ex is a complete bimbo, and though my personal opinion is of course we could raise them better, my husband decided before I was even around that she got the primary custody.and frankly if I wanted that many kids-I would find my own.....

I don't have to take responsibility for her weird choices in raising them hands on, my husband takes care of his responsibility, and thats where it ends. Everyone knows they don't live with us, so anything 'weird" is not our fault. (remember "weird' is relative-its all what you have experienced)
Iits kinda like being a grandparent, I get to do fun stuff and then send them back home to mom.

See your step for who she really is, not who her other parent is, and understand that if you do truly love her, the ex cannot be doing that bad a job after all. if the kiddo is such a happy loving child.

 

[casa]

OK, I am not sure if it was established if our OP has kids of her own, but I do know that perceptions of perfect motherhood change once you actually have your own rough and tumble toddler.

When my kiddo was 3, in the space of 3 months, she split her head open after falling into a stucco wall (who would have thought?) I slammed her hand into a car door, while supervising a bunch of packages and her and my step children, and then to top it off, she had a window slam down on her OTHER hand at my parents house. I was expecting wither CPS or at least the emergency room would just give me some sort of ATM card!

knock on wood, but no major crisis since, and she is 7 now.

the next thing I learned is, understanding that when you marry someone with 'baggage" you can either spend the rest of your life with them whining about said baggage, or sit back and enjoy the show.

before you were in the picture there was something thrilling about your S/O flirt with the darkside, or he would not have history and a kid with it. technically speaking, your S/O is as much to blame for the kids living conditions as the parent who has custody.

honestly you gotta get over it. my husbands ex is a complete bimbo, and though my personal opinion is of course we could raise them better, my husband decided before I was even around that she got the primary custody.and frankly if I wanted that many kids-I would find my own.....

I don't have to take responsibility for her weird choices in raising them hands on, my husband takes care of his responsibility, and thats where it ends. Everyone knows they don't live with us, so anything 'weird" is not our fault. (remember "weird' is relative-its all what you have experienced)
Iits kinda like being a grandparent, I get to do fun stuff and then send them back home to mom.

See your step for who she really is, not who her other parent is, and understand that if you do truly love her, the ex cannot be doing that bad a job after all. if the kiddo is such a happy loving child.

LOL I relate...My ADHD tomboy is known by name at the ER. (Ok, its a small ER, but still!)

 

[newlywed03]

First of all - how do you think it's going to look to a judge when mom asks for 1/2 daycare & maybe a small bump in support, and your husband suddenly files for full custody? Makes it look like Dad doesn't wanna pay. I'm NOT saying that's what's going on, just pointing out how it might look to an outsider.

That aside:

1 - if the child has clothes & shoes that don't fit - TAKE HER SHOPPING. You said your self Mom is struggling so step up and help out.

2 - kids get hurt. If you were REALLY that concerned about the injuries, you would have taken action when you saw the marks. Perhaps Dad should have a calm discussion with Mom (No, not YOU, this is between the child's parents) and ask if she's noticed the bruises and if she's concerned, maybe somethings going on at daycare with another child, etc. Seek the Mom's HELP in determining the cause. Maybe the little girl is anemic and bruises easily (I'm mildly anemic, I barely bump into something and I have a big black bruise for 2 weeks afterwards).

3 - Quit complaining about paying child care. You know it's the right thing to do, and if she's struggling to make ends meet anyway, why wouldn't you?

Listen, we have no doubt you love this little girl and want what's best for her. So maybe instead of trying to rip this child from Mommy (who you clearly admit loves and cares for her child), you and Dad should put forth a little extra effort and maybe even some $$ to make sure she's living decently at both households.

 

[bliss_in_texas]

I'm curious about something. Was this child's father interested in gaining full custody of his daughter before you two got married?

I'm going to assume that he spent some time single in between marriages right? I'm going to also assume that he did some partying of his own during those single days. When you two were dating and he was single and partying where was his daughter? I'm sure he probably found himself at a few parties where there were kegs and some beer drinking going on. Where was his daughter while he was partaking of his good times during his single days?

Oh, wait, I'm betting she was home with her mother. I'm betting while he was single he didn't put too much thought into who was watching his daughter every time he left the house to enjoy himself did he? Of course, we might be dealing with a little bit of a double standard here. More than likely you would think it OK for him to party as a single father since he was not the custodial parent. Am I right? Her being the custodial parent means she has to live up to a higher standard...one you have determined for her.

You want to pass judgment on her for being the one who has to find a place to leave her children if she wants to get away and have some fun. Sounds to me like she is being responsible if she is leaving them with her parents. She knows right where they are and I'm betting the grandparents know how to get in touch with her if they have an emergency.

How many times during the time you were dating your new husband did the two of you give notice to the person who was taking care of his child of your where abouts, your comings and goings? How many times did you feel it was your responsibility to account for your behavior to the woman who is raising his daughter?

Now that you are married and want to set up house and play BEST MOMMY IN THE WORLD you actually think you have some right to this other woman's child. I've got some advice for you...you want a child, have one of your own. This mom probably has the stretch marks, sleepless nights and worry lines to prove that she is the one who has taken care of and loved this child.

I've got a picture of my son when he was 3 1/2. He fell flat on his face and his nose is one HUGE scab. Thank God there was no all knowing stepmother like you in my life at that time. I've got one that my mother shows my son at times. He was dressed in an outfit that was too small for him. My mother uses it to tease me with and tell me I should be ashamed of myself for dressing him that way.

Your ignorance of what a mother is and what it takes to mother a child is evident. Until you have a child of your own, are left alone to raise that child on your own, you have no right to pass judgment on any other mother or how she chooses to live her life or raise her child.

Best thing for you to do is get it out of your head that you are going to tear this child away from the only mother she has ever had. In your uneducated, misguided attempt to do good you will be doing irriversible damage. That, my dear would be ABUSE.

************APPLAUSE*****************
very well said, thank you from all the CP single working moms out here!