Holiday Parenting time modification

[jbowman]

I can understand the tactic of give a little to avoid some of the arguments. However, on the opposite side, I think that its better for control freaks to come to the realization that they cannot control the situation, and that their efforts to try, will backfire on them. In my experience that tends to give a more permanent solution.

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The only reason I disagree here is because.... why would dad keeping child til Monday at school time been detrimental to this child??? I can understand dad being a control freak and mom not giving in because of it when it comes to important decisions like Medical, or Education ...Yeah, go by the court order, yeah if we have to, lets go back to court. But over Dad having a little extra time on FATHERS DAY??? Come on, when is enough, enough. Would it have been in the childs best interest to be home at 7pm? Friggin stupid.

I have a control freak too. He has summer visitation time that starts July 1. But he is going on a cruise 5 days before and would like to take our child. So do I just be a total B**** and not allow my child to go because he is a control freak??? No.

 

[penelope10]

I can understand the tactic of give a little to avoid some of the arguments. However, on the opposite side, I think that its better for control freaks to come to the realization that they cannot control the situation, and that their efforts to try, will backfire on them. In my experience that tends to give a more permanent solution.

When you give in to them, it makes them feel more powerful and more in control, and it just exacerbates the problem.

I also worry about the lesson it sets for the children. "Dad (or mom) always gets their way because they do X, so that is the way I am going to do things too."

My ex's brother is married to a woman who is a control freak. Her mother was a control freak, and their daughter has turned into one as well. They seem like great people until their "company manners" wear off, and then they are hell to be around.

LD, I agree. MY EX is a huge control freak. Hence my suggestion to try to be flexible. Communicate by email so there is backup. I figured out that some time ago that when I pushed back, stopped trying to find solutions and be reasonable, it DID NOT help matters. In fact, I was playing right into his hands, because that's what he wanted me to do. Took the focus off Lil Bit's best interests and kept the focus on him. And he loves to be the center of attention. And being difficult is a way to get any attention, even if it's negative. It's an ego thing for him.

 

[wileybunch]

LDiJ, I totally hear what you are saying, I really do. profmum even feels like the holiday schedule could use some tweaking, but her suggestion for tweaking just doesn't make sense. Anyway, to this specific "holiday", this is what it really boils down to -- Great concept -- wrong application. As stealth said:

Save it for the important stuff. Overnight on Father's Day just isn't it. IMO.

 

[penelope10]

LDiJ, I totally hear what you are saying, I really do. profmum even feels like the holiday schedule could use some tweaking, but her suggestion for tweaking just doesn't make sense. Anyway, to this specific "holiday", this is what it really boils down to -- Great concept -- wrong application. As stealth said:

Totally agree.

 

[profmum]

Cleary there are 2 camps of thought here and I completely agree with being flexible to avoid confrontation. When I can I have, when I can't I have offered to discuss an alternative middle ground.

In a 50-50 schedule, flexibility can be limited (for those who feel that it should be the only option, many of you do not have a true 50-50 schedule). An EOW schedule for example makes it much easier to be "flexible". As for all the offers of reciprocity, Dad never reciprocates when asked. While that certainly does not mean I should take the same approach he does (then I am no better than he is), I am following the Court Order when his demands arise, it avoids a pissing contest and is the "law". We are unfortunately a high conflict pair with no end in sight so better to follow things to the tee.

Dad recently asked for DD's passport for a trip he was taking.. no probs gave it to him the next day, I asked for it for a trip we are planning, he refuses to give it to me, even though the CO states specifically that we have to cooperate with each other. So he does feel the need for greater control. Have to ask the Courts to help with this.

I have no intention of teaching Dad not to be what he is, or wanting "control" in a situation, or doing anything more than co-parenting in peace. The only way i can do that without going back to court is to give him everything he wants.. which last month included a motion to have a month on, month off as a parenting plan in essence..now, if one can stomach that, good for you, I cant.

But as always I appreciate the candor and opinions..I got the week on, week off plan after a lot of good advice on this forum about the benefts of this plan despite my initial resistance from LD, OG, CJane, Wiley and others (apologies to anyone I left out)

 

[wileybunch]

I don't recall objecting to a week on/week off schedule in the past.

Your ex is a total turd. The passport thing sounds completely ridiculous, too, though I don't know the whole story to that. My DH's ex is a total turd, too, and yet I still ride his ass when I think he's not doing the right thing, if he's snotty to her, etc. I insist that he not become what she is even when it drives him to the edge of insanity dealing w/her. She does not reciprocate, either, so it makes it that much harder to do things for the sake of the child b/c it's one sided -- the sake of the child only matters when the sake of the mother is part and parcel of it. DH is always allowing flexibility and making trades when the trade is for Mom now; to DH later. They just signed a stipulation for the summer schedule and DH included a few trades that they have made since last CO (these are big trades, not just an overnight thing) and funny how she wasn't going to sign the stip at all when he insisted these be part of it. She'd had no intention obviously of following through on his part of the trades to come later this year and next year since she already got her part of that trade.

I think my DH also has a bit of Stockholm syndrome so that if ex manages to behave and use her nice voice, he will allow her manipulation b/c she is so freaking exhausting in her constant battle to marginalize him so I'm by no means suggesting that you give in b/c you're thrilled he asks nicely for once, it's just that it's father's day and you could have asked for a trade or asked him to stipulate that the overnight would be how it works for mother's or father's day and you guys could have signed a stipulation to that after the fact to get it in the order. And, if he would refuse to do that after you gave him the favor, then he can forget about future trades where he gets advanced the trade b/c he cant' be trusted to be fair.

 

[stealth2]

What you may not know when you spout "(for those who feel that it should be the only option, many of you do not have a true 50-50 schedule)" is that I did a TRUE 50/50 schedule for nearly 2 years. So I know a hell of a lot more about how to work it than you may think.

 

[penelope10]

Not to be insulting, but has the court ordered you two into co- counseling regarding parenting? Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. Not being involved in the situation I can see your points, but I think I can see Dad's point regarding Father's Day and being p.o.ed. And parents constantly being p.o.ed at one another is not going to help matters.

 

[Silverplum]

Not to be insulting, but has the court ordered you two into co- counseling regarding parenting? Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. Not being involved in the situation I can see your points, but I think I can see Dad's point regarding Father's Day and being p.o.ed. And parents constantly being p.o.ed at one another is not going to help matters.

They both should have been ordered: it's standard.

Not that it matters. When even 1 parent decides to be possessive and rude and obnoxious, the child loses and the other parent loses.

Profmum, keeping your child away from Dad on Father's Day was low-rent. Not at all surprising, but low-rent nonetheless.

 

[penelope10]

They both should have been ordered: it's standard.

Not that it matters. When even 1 parent decides to be possessive and rude and obnoxious, the child loses and the other parent loses.

Profmum, keeping your child away from Dad on Father's Day was low-rent. Not at all surprising, but low-rent nonetheless.

Well, when I got my divorce in TX it was a class. Not counseling. We sat in a big room with about 100 other people and watched a film and listened to a speaker. Then we brought back paperwork to the court showing that we had been to the class. LOL!

What I'm talking about is REAL counseling. I think this kiddo is 4 or 4.5. (Sorry not going back to look). So we are talking about about 14 years of turmoil in this kiddo's life if something DOESN"T CHANGE.

 

[Silverplum]

Well, when I got my divorce in TX it was a class. Not counseling. We sat in a big room with about 100 other people and watched a film and listened to a speaker. Then we brought back paperwork to the court showing that we had been to the class. LOL!

What I'm talking about is REAL counseling. I think this kiddo is 4 or 4.5. (Sorry not going back to look). So we are talking about about 14 years of turmoil in this kiddo's life if something DOESN"T CHANGE.

Ah. I was referring to the mandatory coparenting class.

My main point is that a closed mind is a closed mind. In class, in counseling, at home, everywhere.

 

[wileybunch]

Ah. I was referring to the mandatory coparenting class.

My main point is that a closed mind is a closed mind. In class, in counseling, at home, everywhere.

That is so true. Counseling COULD work, but only really if the parties go into it WANTING it to work or are somehow persuaded once they start how they can handle things differently. Parents are very much at odds here and doesn't sound like either is advocating counseling in the first place.

 

[jbowman]

Profmum, keeping your child away from Dad on Father's Day was low-rent. Not at all surprising, but low-rent nonetheless.

Exactly my point. If youre going to choose something to "stick to the court order" about, why choose THIS of all things? How did it benefit your child? That is my question. Aside from you trying to teach him a lesson about how he treats YOU.

 

[penelope10]

That is so true. Counseling COULD work, but only really if the parties go into it WANTING it to work or are somehow persuaded once they start how they can handle things differently. Parents are very much at odds here and doesn't sound like either is advocating counseling in the first place.

Agreed. What helped my situation tons was I took at big hard look at myself. What was I doing, given my ex's personality, that helped play into the problems. I made some "adjustments" and started communicating in such a way that I knew he would listen to. Didn't have to suck up or kiss butt to do so. Or come off like a control freak myself.

While things aren't perfect, it sure as heck has helped. And believe me the Great and Powerful OZ is a major control freak. I can't change him, but I changed how I dealt with him. Things are much, much better. There's still bumps in the road, but there probably will always be. That's why he's the ex and I'm the ex.

 

[profmum]

What I'm talking about is REAL counseling. I think this kiddo is 4 or 4.5. (Sorry not going back to look). So we are talking about about 14 years of turmoil in this kiddo's life if something DOESN"T CHANGE.

Careful with assumptions here, DD is doing fine, in fact in May I testified again to the courts that despite Dad's travel schedule I think 50-50 is the way to go for DD to truly have a relationship with both parents. The judge was very specific that because Mum said that DD was thriving under a 50-50 he was going to maintain it with a week on, week off schedule.

She is not a party to any of this except the wasted $$ in legal fees that could have paid for her college education at Harvard, what is happening is, Dad and I are in heavy legal debt which of course does not help DD, but we both leave her out of it.

I do have to climb out of this debt and trying my best to. Emotionally i do not let Dad's motions/threats bother me anymore, dont get emotional or into pissing contests with him, even my blood pressure issues are better as a result of it. So DD is doing well, I am doing fine despite the debt, not sure how Dad is doing but clearly not in a place of peace. To me, that is the bigger picture. We have 3 motions pending in some form of the other with one more on the way I am sure.. so be it.

Dad enjoyed Father's day from 10-7 pm per our agreement, just as I will enjoy 4th July from 10-7 pm per our agreement as it is his parenting day, so being dramatic about "keeping DD away from Dad on Father's day" is pure hyperbole.