Hoping for answers

[user13180]

What is the name of your state? Pennsylvania

I was my ex for 6 years (on and off). He left when I was 5 months pregnant and now denies paternity... my son is now 6 weeks old. I sent my ex pictures and an announcment when he was born as well as to his parents. No one has tried making contact with my son. Two weeks went by and I sent him a letter. In the letter I gave the father options. I told him that he could sign his rights away and never be bothered again. Or he could do nothing and I would take him to Domestics. Again, there was no response.

This 'man' has drug & alcohol problems and actually has been convicted in the past. He has another son who is 8 that he hasnt seen in 6 years. he doesnt pay the court ordered support for his first son and is currently over $9000 in arrears. He can't hold a job because partying has been more important. There has been verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. He was caught making out with a 14 year old (he's 24...gross) I have a 7 year old daughter who has had her heart broken by this man., Shes been calling him Stepdaddy for 5 years now because he has promised her that hes staying and he called her 'his daughter'...

my point is.. this guy is just scum. He hasnt made the effort to see his son so I want to know what my legal rights are. How can I get his parental rights taken away so I wont have to deal with him in the future? I want to nail him for support but I dont want him to get visitation. How can i get supervised visitation? Is there a time frame that goes by with the father not being involved with the child, that terminates his parental rights? If I do nothing, can this guy try to come back 5 years from now (or whenever he has no where to go) to try to establish a relationship with him then and really mess with the childs head?

HELP!! I need answers!

 

[nextwife]

"This 'man' has drug & alcohol problems and actually has been convicted in the past. He has another son who is 8 that he hasnt seen in 6 years. he doesnt pay the court ordered support for his first son and is currently over $9000 in arrears. He can't hold a job because partying has been more important. There has been verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. He was caught making out with a 14 year old (he's 24...gross) I have a 7 year old daughter who has had her heart broken by this man., Shes been calling him Stepdaddy for 5 years now because he has promised her that hes staying and he called her 'his daughter'..."

SOOOO, WHY would you pick this guy, after 5 years to know this about him, to make a baby with? You knew his lifestyle and his history.

If he can't hold a job, don't hold your breath about reliable child support, should you establish paternity and get a CS order.

 

[stealth2]

So, let's see.... he's got drug & alcohol problems, he's abusive, he's a deadbeat dad, etc. Yet you chose to be with him, allow your daughter to bond with him, and create a child with him. NOW you decide that he's scum and you should terminate his rights? WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING 10 1/2 months ago?!?!?!?!

You're going to have trouble terminating his rights (of course, since you weren't married, he won't have any until he's proven to be the father) as the courts to not like to b@stardize children. If there's no contact, a few years down the road you may be able to claim abandonment and then terminate his rights. Or you can find someone to marry who wants to adopt the kid - but then he'll be notified and will have the right to contest the adoption.

The time to have worried about how he might screw up a kid's life was BEFORE you had sex with him. And maybe even before you allowed your daughter to consider him her Daddy. I hope you choose better next time.

 

[haiku]

well if you choose to 'nail him" as you say, for support, be prepared to have him nail you for custody and visitation as that is HIS right.

And being as a support order is only a number, if it never gets paid, there is a good chance with his history he may never pay any of it.

 

[user13180]

Wow! I kind of got my head bit off... I understand that I made a mistake... actually several but I'm looking for answers to help prevent my son from going through this. In my eyes, I've grown up and realized what hes made of. Yes, I should have done this before my son was conceived but I cant turn back time. The only thing I can do now is learn from those mistakes and make the best possible life for my children. And if I'm going to be critized for my mistake... just remember I wasnt the only one participating in the conception. He also knew what he was made of and capable of. He's the one in control of his life to have stopped the games and been a father to this child. I didnt make him turn his back!

And as far as finding a man to legally adopt him, would I be able to list my son as father unknown? His biogical father is not listed ANYWHERE as the father... I dont understand why he would have to be notified.

I was hoping for answers but havent seem to find any yet. Thank you for your input.

 

[stealth2]

And as far as finding a man to legally adopt him, would I be able to list my son as father unknown? His biogical father is not listed ANYWHERE as the father... I dont understand why he would have to be notified.

Because most states require BOTH parents to consent to an adoption. The child isn't just yours to do with as you please. Also, most states will require you to be married for at least a year before they would even consider a stepparent adoption.

 

[oberauerdorf]

And as far as finding a man to legally adopt him, would I be able to list my son as father unknown? His biogical father is not listed ANYWHERE as the father... I dont understand why he would have to be notified.

Sure, go ahead and list "Father Unknown" and proceed with an adoption.

Then, as soon as the father finds out about it, not only will the adoption be voided, the child (if it has bonded with the new father) be torn apart, but you will face jail time for fraud.

You go right ahead. Commit a crime. But if you're looking for advice on doing just that from this forum, you are sadly mistaken that anyone will help you there.

 

[nextwife]

" He also knew what he was made of and capable of. He's the one in control of his life to have stopped the games and been a father to this child. I didnt make him turn his back!"

You were expecting him to change if you got pregnant? That is so unfair to your child(ren), as they will grow up without their daddy in their lives. You knew about his life choices and not only stayed with him, but went ahead and let yourself get pregnant by this guy. You picked a guy with a history of being uninterested and uninvolved. With a history of partying and not holding down a job. And, based upon your info about your daughter, this isn't the first uninterested guy you chose to make a baby with.

As long as you never obtain state assistance to support your kids, you can leave him unnamed - as long as he never seeks parental rights.

 

[user13180]

And, based upon your info about your daughter, this isn't the first uninterested guy you chose to make a baby with.

First of all... I spent 5 years with my daughters father. He is a GREAT father to her. He sees her 3 nights a week and keeps her overnight one night on the weekend. I have an awesome relationship with both her father and her stepmother. The only reason our relationship ended was due to the fact that we were too young when we first met. Please dont dare assume anything until you know the whole story.

Thank you for insinutaing that I intentionally got myself pregnant in an attempt to keep him. and NEVER ONCE did I think he would change once I found out I was pregnant. The first words out of my mouth when I found out I was pregnant was, "I guess I'm f*ked and I'll be doing this alone". (exact wording followed by tears)

And as far as the 'state assisance"... never have and never will. I am 27 years old. I BOUGHT my home when I was 24 and I did that on my own being a single parent. I have a career (not a job) as Human Resources Director... I've gone to school and obtained my MBA.... I'm not some unintellegent teenager out there having babies.

I came to this forum for advice since that is the name of the site... FreeAdvice Forum... Not FreeCriticism Forum

 

[tkjc123]

Hang in there. I have been where you are right now. I have brought up things that have touched a nerve of several people and received the same response. Just hang in there. There are many people out there that have some great advice. Not everyone here are judegmental. I have gotten some great advice and also some things to think about and for that I am greatful. I have taken the good with the bad. The only thing I can suggest is for you to consult an attorny and see what your options are. Good luck!!

 

[user13180]

Hang in there. I have been where you are right now. I have brought up things that have touched a nerve of several people and received the same response. Just hang in there. There are many people out there that have some great advice. Not everyone here are judegmental. I have gotten some great advice and also some things to think about and for that I am greatful. I have taken the good with the bad. The only thing I can suggest is for you to consult an attorny and see what your options are. Good luck!!

Well thank you!! I appreciate it

 

[annefan]

What is the name of your state? Pennsylvania

How can I get his parental rights taken away so I wont have to deal with him in the future?

--One of two ways. Get a DNA test done to establish that he actually is the father. If he isn't, you have nothing to terminate. If he is, then you should consult an attorney to petition for termination, this is not something you want to do pro se--


I want to nail him for support but I dont want him to get visitation.

--Impossible. The courts aren't going to order a parent to pay child support and withhold visitation of the minor. Under very unusual circumstances, this has been done before. In your case, not likely--


How can i get supervised visitation?

--Petition the courts for custody of the child first, after establishing paternity, then include that stipulation in your petition and pray hard. They will inquire into everything about both parents, and unless you have documentation that the father is criminally abusive, you will have a difficult time getting supervised visitation placed on him--


Is there a time frame that goes by with the father not being involved with the child, that terminates his parental rights?

--Generally a year, but not necessarily. And termination does not occur automatically (see above)--

If I do nothing, can this guy try to come back 5 years from now (or whenever he has no where to go) to try to establish a relationship with him then and really mess with the childs head?

--Yes indeed. It would be in everyone's best interest to establish paternity before doing anything else--

HELP!! I need answers!

 

[user13180]

Well I have to thank everyone that has contributed a comment... good or bad.

I have decided that its not worth it. I know who the father is... the ex knows he's father (but apparently its easier to deny than to deal with the responsiblity) so I'm not making any moves for anything. He turned his back on his first son 6 years ago and I will not set my son up for the same heartache.

When I was pregnant, HIS parents told me to 'take the baby and run as far away from him as possible." Does that tell you anything about the way this father is?!?!!

The way I look at it is this... if the SOB hasnt made any moves to see his son, if he doesnt care enough to get the paternity test...in all reality, what is my son really losing!?!?! I ask myself this... "Why push his father into being a father? Will my son have a better life with a father who didnt want to do what was necessary to see his son? Would he be better off with a father that was pressured or forced into spending time with him?? or would he be better off being raised by a sober, loving responsible mother?" In the end, if the father cant (wont) try to see his son, then its the father thats going to be missing out on something so wonderful.

At this point in time, according to PA law, he has no rights to this child until a paternity test is established. So if he wants to be a part of his life, then hes going to have to make it happen. Otherwise, I'm just going to sit back and love my son.

For all those that say that children need to know their fathers... I agree whole-heartedly. But in a situation thats not in the best interest of the child, I say that the children will grow up with the values that were instilled on them in the house they grew up. Having the father in the picture does not mean your child will grow up any better. Its all how they are raised.

I have already put together a scrap book for my son. It has all the information he needs for when he gets older. His dad's DOB, SS#, last known address, pictures of him and the rest of his family. I will tell my son what I think is best at the age I am questioned. When he gets old enough to understand and wants to meet his father, I will support him.

And if the father straightens out and does do what needs to be done, then I will be extremely happy. But in the current situation of the father... I know in my heart the baby is better off the way things are.

 

[annefan]

Ok, but those are emotions speaking and not legalities. If you need further help in that regard, my suggestion would be counseling. Otherwise, do as you please. By doing nothing for the time being, you may be setting yourself up for a very big mess to have to deal with and clean up later.

Best wishes to you.

 

[user13180]

I understand what you are saying... but like I said, According to PA law, he has no legal rights to a child that is born out of wedlock until that paternity test is taken. So at this point in time... there are no legalities. and i will not deny the father if he makes that move to be around for the baby.

Its all in his hands.... everything happens for a reason