I have full custody - how do I get the new wife to back off?

[Illinois Dad]

Lorih, I understand everything you are saying and I hope I didn't offend you with anything I said.

You need to get past wishing things could be different. Wishing that she would just understand. Wishing that other people will do anything. It is what it is. Lori. Nothing you do or say is going to change these people. The issues and problems they have are theirs...and therefore cannot be fixed by you. You need to just let it go.

Ok, the court orders say that obtaining all that school information is his responsibility. Guess what, he doesn't do it and it comes back on you when he doesn't. Take away that argument and when they call to hassle you tell them it's not your problem...you have gone beyond what is required to get them informed and then hang up the phone.

I don't want to be harsh, but it sounds to me like you let this woman and your ex know from the very beginning that you were intimidated, controllable, easily manipulated, and not wanting to make waves. They smelled this weakness and they have pushed all the right buttons ever since to keep you where they want you...meek and intimidated. They can only continue this abusive treatment of you if you continue to allow it.

 

[Lorih]

Illinois Dad - I'm not offended at all!!! Heck, we are almost neighbors...ha ha (I'm in IL)

And you are exactly right - that I allowed them to treat me like this from the start (by trying to be nice and just get along) and it gets harder and harder as time goes on to change it.

I know that wishing won't do any good. But gosh, I'm just tired of being the one they vent on - or whatever it is. And I will admit that I am terrified of standing up to them. They do have me feeling that if I stand up to them - that they will take my daughter away from me. (they don't have ANY cause at ALL - let alone a GOOD one) And the step mom knows that. I think it's really crappy though to tell someone that you will take them to court for custody if you don't let them keep her an extra few hours or if you don't switch weekends around for something. I'm totally serious when I say that threaten me with that all the time. He's even done it in front of my daughter. He asked me "hey, instead of paying child support - why don't I just take her. You had her the first 9 years, I'll have her the next 9".. Then he looked at my daughter and said "what do you think?". SHe looked at me stunned and said "i don't know, I guess". She was totally freaking out and didn't know what to say. She was to afraid to hurt his feelings by screaming "no". But after he left she broke down in tears and was terrified that he was going to take her. It tooks weeks & weeks for her to get over it. She is now "on guard" at his house - watching everything she says and every comment she makes because she thinks they are looking for a reason to take her. It's just all sad. I'm going on and on and I could write for days...so I'll stop now

Thanks again for all your advice!!

 

[Lorih]

Thanks Pthalo - I started an excel spreadsheet "log". And yes, I do have sole physical & legal custody - so none of this should really even be taking place or be an issue.

Anyhow - thanks for the info on c/s. I am going to take them back to court for more money. not out of spite - but becasue I haven't had an increase in sooooo long and they've kind kept me to afraid to go back to court.

By the way - do you know if I took them back for c/s (I would be going through the state - not a private lawyer) - could they in turn counter for custody or anything - or would the ONLY issue in court be money? Just curious as to how ugly this could get.

 

[ktarra617]

They can turn around and ask for anything they want. They will probably turn around and file for custody. However they would have to prove you unift and have a significant change in circumstance to warrant a change in custody. As you have had custody for so long it is doubtful that they would be successful in a custody suit.

You have the right to have the support order reviewed every few years.

Just a little info, I am a stepmom and I do not under any circumstances deal with my hubby's ex. Their daughter is just that, theirs. Not mine and I don't butt in.

On the flipside I am also the CP of my daughter and I do not ever deal with my ex's wife. I don't have to and I won't.

So you don't have to put up with his wife's behavior, simply refuse to talk to her. And if she won't let you talk to your ex, then simply hang up the phone and log the call. Probably wouldn't hurt to get a recorder and record phone calls. Find out the laws in your state first. But you don't have to put up with her. you are only expected to deal with your ex.

Good luck to you!

 

[Lorih]

Thanks for the info. I'm SURE they will counter for custody. That's why I haven't taken him back for an increase in so long. It's not that i think they could get custody- I really don't. It's the emotional & financial strain that going to court with cause for my daughter & myself. It's hell going through court with them and not really worth the increase.

And yes - a life changing even did happen. I was laid off and moved in with my parents. But that shouldn't matter becuase my daughter loves it here and she actually has her own bedroom here. And at her dads she has to share a room with the new baby (they are on their 3rd one) until the new baby moves into it's own room!

thanks