I have full custody - how do I get the new wife to back off?

[Lorih]

What is the name of your state? Illinois

I have had full custody of my 10 yr old daughter since she was one. Her father has seen her on his scheduled visitations - but is not involved in the least inbetween his visits. As in school affairs, or her out of school activities, etc. She is a wonderful girl.

I do not do drugs, drink or anything like that. I am a good mom, although right now we are living with my parents because I was laid off and am out of work- who my daughter is VERY close to anyway. Plus - all her best friends live right here.

Since my ex got married 6 yrs ago - his wife has been on a mission to make my life hell. They nit-pick everything I do and always give me a hard time. They constantly threaten to take me back to court for custody over things as minor as not letting him have her an extra night (because we have plans). He worked as a paralegal and she just quit working as a legal secretary. So - they always hold that "power" of having lawyer friends over my head. The last time we were in court - he had a buddy represent him and it drove me in debt. They send me letters that sound very "legal and professional" but really they are very condesending and rude.

If I have full custody - do they have any right at all to make comments and create problems? They or I should say the "wife" calls the doctors office when I give them medical receipts to see what the visit was for.....she even gets the billing information. When my daughter had to go to summer school - they hung up on me when I told them and called the principal to see if we could do the work at home instead of in the class - this is AFTER I already talked to the principal myself. It ended up that when he had her for a week - he didn't take her. If I have custody - don't I get to make the decisions? But it seems as though I can't make any decision without them calling and harassing me. The new wife is a very controlling, loud and mean person. (his family even confided in me and told me she's like that to THEM too)

Don't get me wrong - I know he cares for his daughter. But please believe me when I say that his wife really has it out for me - it has NOTHING at all to do with my parenting or lifestyle. It has to do with me having a child of his...I'm the "ex" that he is still involved with. They have 3 kids and I thought for sure that she would ease up on me after becoming a mom and having her hands full - but it didn't. IT's just getting worse....

Is there anyway I could get her back off? She has been doing this since day ONE and I'm really getting fed up with it. It's getting out of hand!!! I'm not a confrontational type of person and I've let her do this to me for 6 years! Even when I talk to my ex on the phone - she is there screaming in the background - sometimes she won't even put him on the phone. Also - there are times SHE calls and leaves msgs on my answering machine about things. I don't want to talk to her at ALL - she is very very mean. I want to only deal with my ex and have her stay out of it. She's no longer allowed to pick up my daughter - I did win on that one. She use to come over and scream & yell or she would have her hand on the cell phone looking at her watch and say "you have 20 seconds before our visitation beings, if Stephanie (my daughter) isn't out the door in 20 seconds I am calling the police on you"...- she did that stuff all the time. I FINALLY stood my ground on that one and she's not allowed over. Plus - the neighbors have heard her too! Also - I know she keeps a log of everything I do...and she pumps my daughter pretty hard about for all kinds of information about me. Would the courts view that as malacious of her? I don't keep a log at all.... I know that she has gone so far as to threaten my daughter with a belt in the past to scare her into telling things (just things like, who I'm dating, if I ask what happens at their house, if I still talk to his family, just things like that).

Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[Lorih]

One more quick thing. Since I am out of work and my ex has been working for Ameritech as a service man for a few years now _ I thought about taking him back to court for an increase in child support. Is there any way if I go through the Child Support Unit (Illinois) that they can bring up changing custody? OR would it ONLY be support issues???

 

[Lorih]

One more quick thing. Since I am out of work and my ex has been working for Ameritech as a service man for a few years now _ I thought about taking him back to court for an increase in child support. Is there any way if I go through the Child Support Unit (Illinois) that they can bring up changing custody? OR would it ONLY be support issues???

Plus - he has 3 new kids now. Would that affect how much support I would get? He has a big house, 2 SUV's etc. My ex tells me that if I brought him to court that it would be DEcreased (that's him trying to manipulate me) becuase his wife isn't working - she stays home with the kids and becasue of all of his bills and the amount of kids he has - that I wouldn't get as much....could that be true?

 

[haiku]

gosh your ex sounds like a real winner.....I am on the opposite ends. I am now a step mom, husband has joint legal-but still I can't imagine being that pushy-I am too busy living my OWN life you know? my problem is my husbands ex won't move on with her life, and has to attempt to keep everything involving the kids a "secret" from me....

I am glad you no longer allow her to your home. (we have the opposite problem-my husbands ex is no longer allowed into our home for the same reasons your husbands wife isnt allowed in yours)

Certainly you don't have to talk to her for any reason if you cannot get along. I would make it clear to your ex that his wifes unhealthy obsessive behaviour is doing nothing to help your daughter adjust to having divorced parents and living a happy life.

you should START keeping a log. If "they" (it is really your ex's decision) decide to take you to court, it could show a pattern of her interference (ultimately your ex's as far as I am concerned because HE allows it!)

May I reccomend a book to you? called "the wife-in-law trap" Look for it on Amazon, it was an interesting read because it interviewed women who were and are married to the same man. I am an admitted self help book junkie, and I thought this one was really helpful, because it treated both womens issues as equal.

look up your state child support guidelines. it MAY be possible in your state for your ex to use the fact he has other children now as a defense if YOU ask for more support. He cannot ask for a decrease on his own based on that fact alone though... oh and his wifes income has NOTHING to do with anything and neither do his other bills.

if it has been a while since your last support order, I see no reason why it shouldn't be reviewed and his being ordered to pay whatever is legal according to state guidelines. circumstances do change, and child support, whether more or less should change with them.

 

[chelleshawn]

I'm in the same boat as haiku, I am the stepmom. My husband does have custody of his daughter. We went to court yesterday and let me assure you your daughters stepmom has no rights. In Arkansas, you never- under any circumstance, have to have anything to do with his wife. This will work to your advantage if you start a log of your own. If you can and if it's legal in your state record phone conversations with the wife be sure to let her know you only wish to speak to your daughters father conerning her. If she starts to yell and carry on, let her but keep your cool. This looks unstable for her but great for you. The next time they threaten you with court you'll be ready. Best of luck to you and your daughter.

 

[Bre's_mom]

Me and mu hubby also have joint custody, I'm the step mom, and it sure makes me mad when other step moms may us step moms look bad, there are good step moms out there. I hope things work out, and I would keep trying to speak with your ex only...
Good Luck!!!

 

[Lorih]

I'm sure there are some really great step moms out there and I know some too - I sure wish the new wife (well...it's been six years, she's hardly new) and I got along. It makes things soooo difficult. It was bad from the start, when they were only dating for 3 weeks he went to bring my then 3yr old daughter to spend the night - I told him "no way" that she wasn't going to sleep over at his NEW girlfriends house, she got out of his car (she was in the driveway) and started screaming at me that I can't tell her what she can/can't do and that she teach me a lesson...and guess what? two days later they were married, came to my door and told me that now she is the step mom and I no longer have any right to say that my daughter can't sleep over there. What a slap in the face, huh!!! AND since she's so horrible - I do tend to leave them out of things. I don't tell them about any school plays, recitals or anything. If my daughter tells them - fine...but otherwise I can't even get up the nerve to call their house in case "the wife" answers because it always ends up bad.

Haiku - thanks for recommending that book. I'm a self help book junkie too I'm going to order it tonight! Once I read it - maybe I'll send a copy to the "new wife"....if there is anything in there that could benefit her.

It's sad to say - but the step mom is the only person in my life that I actually hate. She has ruined so many things in my life and creates more problems than all my other problems put together. That's pretty bad. Example: when I was engaged a few years ago - they took me to court to modify the visitation and she laughed and laughed at me saying she hoped I wouldn't have enough money to have the kind of wedding I wanted now and that she was going to try to get the court date during my honeymoon - seriously!!! Of course I didn't get married because what do ya know - my life turned into an emotional nightmare!!!

I always hope & pray that they get divorced. But he told me a few years back that he was "stuck"...and I see what he means....he certainly wouldn't want her as an ex!!!! Maybe she senses that he feels that way and that's part of why she is still so possessive & jealous. Like, she medically shouldn't have had more than one child due to kidney problems....then they had a second one....then I got pregnant and my ex would come over and hold my son and tell his wife how cute he was and what new things he was doing...but he would tell me that he didn't want to have anymore kids...that she shouldn't anyway...then a few months later, guess what? She was pregnant again!! I honestly think she did that on purpose. What a mess, huh!

And yes, I think starting a log is good advice!!!

 

[Whyte Noise]

Suggestion #1.... Ask her why her own children and husband aren't enough people to try and boss around.

Suggestion #2.... Ask her why she's so jealous that YOUR daughter didn't come from HER loins.

Suggestion #3.... Tell her that since YOUR daughter has visitation with HER father, that there IS no "our" visitation time.

Suggestion #4.... Gimme her name and number. I'll call over there for ya.


No, I don't have a thing against "steps". My ex's g/f and I get along great. What I DO have a thing with is controlling, manipulative, "buttinsky's" who thinks that they have to have their hand in every cookie jar that comes their way. Your daughter is YOUR daughter. Not hers. And she has some real issues with that apparently. I think you hit it on the head when you said that it has to do with you having a child by your ex. You have something that she doesn't. This all stems from jealousy on her part. I don't know what to tell you to do other than tell her that it's not HER business, and to document, document document. If she's this spiteful when your daughter is at her father's house for visitation, it can't be good for your daughter to see.

 

[kidoday]

As hard as it will be not to get into that arguement with her, refuse to discuss anything regarding your daughter with her. This will drive her up the wall. Just kindly explain to her that you will discuss these issues (whatever it is at the time) at a later time with your daughters father.

Let her call the Dr.'s office for the reason for the visit. What is she going to do say you are being too over protective by taking her to see the Dr.?

Step Mom has no legal rights, that has been posted all over this web page. Especially mean ones. I can only imagine how she treats your daughter. A woman with that much annymosity towards you can not be civil towards your daughter.
Pay attention to this, make sure your daughter feels comfortable with new sm.

Maybe a neutral place for visitation pick up and ONLY with Dad would be better. It tends to keep the peace. It also gives witnessess for any problems that meany wife will cause.

Good Luck


P.S. I would let Missourigal have her phone number if I were you.

 

[Lorih]

Missourigal - ha ha ha, thanks! It's nice to see that people could understand my position here!!! I'd give you the number if I thought that could help. Maybe I should write her a "heart to heart" letter....but I'm sure she would just end up laughing right in my face - or feeling as though she has "scared me" into trying to be her friend. Stinks stinks stinks!

I sure wish someone would talk to that woman! I've tried talking to my ex mom-in-law (we still get along good) and she won't butt in for anything - she says it's not her business!!! My ex sister-in-law told me it took years for the family to "get comfortable" with the new wife, so I know that's why my ex-mom-in-law won't step in - they are all afraid of the new wife. Although someday I am going to tell his mother that she has a responsibility to step in on behalf of my daughter. But the problem is that my daughter won't confide in her grandma.....therefore putting her in the middle whether she likes it or not. My daughter is to afriad of the stepmom to even say anything to anyone (and she limits how much she tells me). I know that for the last few years (with the exception of last year) my daughter saw the school counselor once a week and the counselor knew how much she was afraid of the step/m. So, I'm sure that's all documented if we went to court.

It just sucks. And I'll be totally honest.....I AM afraid of her. IT seems that no matter what I do to stand my ground - she somehow gets me back twice as hard!!!! It's a "game" that I always end up losing!!! Stinks!

I just hope & pray that they get divorced - but since they now have three kids, that's not going to happen. He's stuck - which makes me stuck!

 

[Illinois Dad]

Ok, thought I would throw my two cents in here. I understand more than anyone the emotinal turmoil that accompanies situations like yours Lorih. I too deal with this from the opposite end. Though my situation is not resolved, I have temp custody of my two kids and STBX is completely determined to destroy any chance of happiness I have and does her best to sabotage my current relationship. I don't have the time or space to tell you everything she has done and you probably wouldn't believe it all anyway! What you need to do in order to deal with this mess is detach yourself emotionally and deal with this on a completely intellectual and logical level. Easy to say, hard to do, but life will become much easier for you when you do this. Here are some general thoughts that came to me when reading your post and the replies...

1) Illinois has statuatory child support guidelines. For "X" number of kids he has to pay "Y" number of dollars based on a percentage of HIS income. Not his HOUSEHOLD income, which would include that of the new wife. No matter what circumstances in his life change (new cars, new house, new kids, etc) the court views his child support payments as being his first obligation.

2) Illinois allows joint parenting agreements, drafted during custody mediation sessions, to become part of the final divorce decree. Do you have one? This addresses things like "significant others" picking up and dropping off the kids for visitation, corporal punishment of the kids by SO, access to medical records, etc. Cases like yours are why these things are a really good idea.

3) As much as I like the things Missourigal had to say about conversations you can have with the new wife, my advice is to not engage this woman in any way. Don't write her a "heart to heart" letter, don't call her, don't go visit her. Call there when you have information that needs to be shared with him. If she answers, ask for him, say you have some important information for the him about the kids, and tell her that you will only deal with him from now on...then STICK TO IT! If he chooses not to speak with you, you can at least state that you made every attempt to inform him.

4) Document absolutely everything. Times, dates, conversations, visitation drop off and pick up times...everything. This may prove a meaningless endeavor, but the more information you are armed with the better if you end up back in court.

5) Go to the school and request duplicate mailings of all information they send out...one to you and one to him. Then get a stack of envelopes addressed to him, stamp them, and give them to the kids' teacher. Ask her to throw a copy of any memos, etc that she sends home in one of the envelopes and drop it in the mail. This shows that you are keeping her father informed as to what is going on in her life. What he chooses to do with that info is up to him, but you are fostering a good, healthy relationship between your ex and your child. This is not only the right thing to do, but is one of the major factors considered in custody decisions in Illinois, just in case he decides to request a custody modification.

6) No matter how well you think you get along with his mother, you need to sever this relationship. It is his responsibility to make sure the child has a relationship with his family, not yours. It may make you feel better to know that they don't like the new wife, but ask yourself what they are telling the new wife about you? As for telling her she has a responsibility to step in on behalf of your daughter, well I'm sorry but that is just ridiculous. If his mother isn't laughing at you already, that is one sure way to guarantee she will be! These are the types of things that will become so much more clear to you when you remove some of the emotion from your thinking.

Listen, I understand that this is hurtful. I also know there are two (or more) sides to every story. I am sure that if she were to tell her tale, it would be of what a horrible mother you are and how you just try to destroy her poor husband's relationship with his daughter and you are demanding more money and trying to keep his daughter from him and dont you know, just wrecking their happy little love nest home with your evil ways. Just read through some of the threads on this forum....look for topics like "Husband's ex won't leave us alone"...you will see what i mean.

You need to come to a realization that this woman is going to be part of your life essentially forever. Getting along is a two way street and there doesn't seem to be much chance the two of you will ever be meeting for coffee or going shopping together, but for your own sanity's sake you need to find some balance and figure out a way to let this woman stop controlling your life...believe me control is what it is about and she would be laughing herself silly if she realized what an affect she has on you and the way you live.

<now it's my turn to prepare for the blasting!>

 

[haiku]

all anyway! What you need to do in order to deal with this mess is detach yourself emotionally and deal with this on a completely intellectual and logical level. Easy to say, hard to do, but life will become much easier for you when you do this. 3) As much as I like the things Missourigal had to say about conversations you can have with the new wife, my advice is to not engage this woman in any way. Don't write her a "heart to heart" letter, don't call her, don't go visit her. Call there when you have information that needs to be shared with him. If she answers, ask for him, say you have some important information for the him about the kids, and tell her that you will only deal with him from now on...then STICK TO IT! If he chooses not to speak with you, you can at least state that you made every attempt to inform him.

4) Document absolutely everything. Times, dates, conversations, visitation drop off and pick up times...everything. This may prove a meaningless endeavor, but the more information you are armed with the better if you end up back in court.

5) Go to the school and request duplicate mailings of all information they send out...one to you and one to him. Then get a stack of envelopes addressed to him, stamp them, and give them to the kids' teacher. Ask her to throw a copy of any memos, etc that she sends home in one of the envelopes and drop it in the mail. This shows that you are keeping her father informed as to what is going on in her life. What he chooses to do with that info is up to him, but you are fostering a good, healthy relationship between your ex and your child. This is not only the right thing to do, but is one of the major factors considered in custody decisions in Illinois, just in case he decides to request a custody modification.

6) No matter how well you think you get along with his mother, you need to sever this relationship. It is his responsibility to make sure the child has a relationship with his family, not yours. It may make you feel better to know that they don't like the new wife, but ask yourself what they are telling the new wife about you? As for telling her she has a responsibility to step in on behalf of your daughter, well I'm sorry but that is just ridiculous. If his mother isn't laughing at you already, that is one sure way to guarantee she will be! These are the types of things that will become so much more clear to you when you remove some of the emotion from your thinking.

Listen, I understand that this is hurtful. I also know there are two (or more) sides to every story. I am sure that if she were to tell her tale, it would be of what a horrible mother you are and how you just try to destroy her poor husband's relationship with his daughter and you are demanding more money and trying to keep his daughter from him and dont you know, just wrecking their happy little love nest home with your evil ways. Just read through some of the threads on this forum....look for topics like "Husband's ex won't leave us alone"...you will see what i mean.

You need to come to a realization that this woman is going to be part of your life essentially forever. Getting along is a two way street and there doesn't seem to be much chance the two of you will ever be meeting for coffee or going shopping together, but for your own sanity's sake you need to find some balance and figure out a way to let this woman stop controlling your life...believe me control is what it is about and she would be laughing herself silly if she realized what an affect she has on you and the way you live.

<now it's my turn to prepare for the blasting!>

blasting?! No way!

yours has to be one of the fairest, most well thought out and truthful responses regarding both sides I have seen on this forum!

#6, especially the LAST paragraph should be required reading of all first and second wives! If more women (and men) understood this concept life would be a lot easier.....

 

[kidoday]

Illinois Dad will you be my therapist for free


I agree with haiku : "yours has to be one of the fairest, most well thought out and truthful responses regarding both sides I have seen on this forum! "

 

[Illinois Dad]

Should I get a little booth like Lucy on the Peanuts cartoon...Free Advice, the Doctor is IN?

Seriously though, just think of how many people would be healthier and happier if we could all just live and let live. I was going to include a #7 in my response but I forgot it. Lorih, I know you said that your daughter was speaking with the school counselor once a week and that is a great idea. If I were you, and I have done this myself, I would consider getting the kids into counselling separate from the school as well. The more neutral third parties they can talk to and know that what they said won't be used by either parent to hurt the other, the better off they are. Go with her to counselling and invite your ex to attend as well (without the new wife of course). There will be times when the doctor just talks to the child and some times when she talks to either you or your ex or all of you together. The doctor will be an advocate for the child and help bring out issues that she is having with either or both of her parents. You won't always like what the doctor has to say, no matter how much you think you are doing a good job and how much your daughter gripes about her dad, but the things you hear there will be the REAL issues your daughter is dealing with. This may also help her father to see that the circumstances, if not dealt with now, will have long term affects on the well being of his daughter.

Good luck to you.

 

[Lorih]

Illinois Dad - I appreciate the thought and time you took to reply.
I have gotten much better over the last few years. I only get really upset when she "does" something. Like when I get a letter or phone call...then I'm pissed for a few days and then it fades. It doesn't go away - but it fades.

As far as the school mailings and such...it's in our judgement that HE is required to obtain this information himself...but it's just so much more fun for them to call and hassle me. Also - in our papers there isn't anything that talks about new marriages/significant others. They purposly didn't want to touch on that during court because of the way his wife was treating my daughter at the time. I could have brought up child abuse - but again I was (well...am) kinda afraid of what she could/would do if I upset/anger her to much and at the time my daughter was to little to stand up to her (although now that she's older she's to AFRAID to do it now) So they made sure not to even mention her during the whole court process. Also - we have gone to mediation and the mediator spent most of time with HIM because his opening remark in our meeting was "my wife doesn't like you, she never will and she has every right to treat you whatever way she pleases" - that set the tone for the whole meeting. Also - he was never granted joint custody - I was granted full.them....because like I said - it would come right back at me.

I just wish that the step mom would think, feel, give thought to

I do try to be fair and believe me when I say that I "walk on egg-shells" so I don't disrupt or cause ANY problems with them. Somehow I think she is so caught up with "winning", "being-better" or SOMETHING that she honestly can't see how much better her own life would be to let go of some of this anger/possession. They will sit and scream and yell at me in front of THEIR own children.

I'm going to print out all of your responses to re-read when I feel I need a boost or a kick in my butt about all of this.

And yes Illinois Dad - it's very hard to detach, especially when someone is kicking you right where it counts the most - your children!

Thanks again!