It's Shay

[Just Blue]

Oh Shay...I am so sorry!!

I'm going to give you my new # so you caan call me if you want.

He's just so different. Puts me down every chance he gets.

Perhaps he does this to "justify" his actions to HIMSELF and to you...Really his actions are unjustifiable and wrong. He probably knows this on some level and this is his way of not feeling like an "f'ing ass****" (Please M don'
t bann me).

I know how you feel right now...As some of the members here know my little one told her teacher that a trusted family member "touched" her. When childrens services told me I felt as you do...TOTALLY BLINDSIDED!! Betrayed! Her father and I have been through hell for the last 4 months...But it does get "better".

CJ's advice is dead-on accurate. Fake till you don't have to anymore. Happiness will sneak back into your life...please trust me on that.

 

[mistoffolees]

I think one of the hardest parts is having to deal with the business of getting divorced. Lots of decisions to be made, and all you want to do is scream "Stop!" at the world until you can breathe and are ready to move on to the next step. I know you're on an emotional rollercoaster, but don't ever make an important decision while you're experiencing an extreme emotion.

Which is one of the best reasons for making sure you have a GOOD attorney on your side.

 

[mistoffolees]

IMy God, what he walked away from. He's just so different. Puts me down every chance he gets.

I would suggest spending some time with a therapist - it's money well spent. I'm not making excuses for him, but you'll see that his behavior is a front and he's probably scared and insecure and that's his way of dealing with it. You really don't need to care, but it sometimes DOES help to know that his behavior is not about you, it's about him.

Not the same with the guys at work. If I could pick up and leave for Boise I would but baby girl has a boyfriend and needs to finish school.

Well, if 'baby girl' is 16 and has a boyfriend, then she'll be out of school in 2 years. I really wouldn't recommend making any life-changing decisions for at least a year after this kind of shock, anyway, but 2 years isn't all that long. Maybe you go ahead and start thinking about moving to Boise when she graduates? It will give you something to look forward to. However, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons and not just to run away.

 

[LdiJ]

You want him back because you LOVE HIM. Or you were used to him and it is what you know. It is normal to want him back. They say during a marriage breaking you go through all the steps of grieving but a marriage breaking is often times worse than a death as you are still forced to see and deal with the person who hurt you.
CJane is right. You go through the motions until one day you are no longer going through the motions.

I seriously agree with this. Despite the fact that my ex and I eventually ended up being best friends, I still went through all of those stages. I even remember saying to my mother that it would have almost been easier if he had died.

For a long time I would have taken him back, but then I reached a point where I realized that I didn't WANT him back, that life really was easier being his friend rather than his wife. I got to keep the good things without being stuck with any of the bad.

Its not going to be easy, but you will feel better. If you can, do some things for YOU that you never would have done if you were still together.

 

[StampGirl]

Shay? I am truely sorry Again, like CJ said, you fake it!!

Like you, I was blindsided as well. Eventually you learn that over time while you thought you were faking it, you were really ok

A good attorney who can help you seperate emotion from "business" is essential. Mine was a godsend. Help me see that while I hated my ex (at the time), he was Dad and deserved to be treated as such. My attorney was much like OhioGAL and CC here Unfortunately, he passed away last year.

Feel free to PM if you like. I am always here.

 

[Shay-Pari'e]

You want him back because you LOVE HIM. Or you were used to him and it is what you know. It is normal to want him back. They say during a marriage breaking you go through all the steps of grieving but a marriage breaking is often times worse than a death as you are still forced to see and deal with the person who hurt you.
CJane is right. You go through the motions until one day you are no longer going through the motions.

I actually do love him. I can forgive. He has not been the same for months. Lost 40 grand, and he is a huge saver. Baby girl will eventually come around, but was always a daddy's girl. My son? Whole different story. He called him from Korea and told him that he raised him with morals and had no respect for him.

I modified this house to a 5 & for term of loan, they took off principal also. We have the other house on a arm loan. Had to give away our dogs out to adoption.

We have the houses, the boat two trucks, his motorcycle.

Do I just file so he doesn't ruin our credit? OH? What is Cali law. He makes over 250 grand a year.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and well wishes.

 

[mommyof4]

Shay, I am so sorry to hear about this. If there was a girl who deserved a break, it's you. Hang in there.

 

[penelope10]

I actually do love him. I can forgive. He has not been the same for months. Lost 40 grand, and he is a huge saver. Baby girl will eventually come around, but was always a daddy's girl. My son? Whole different story. He called him from Korea and told him that he raised him with morals and had no respect for him.

I modified this house to a 5 & for term of loan, they took off principal also. We have the other house on a arm loan. Had to give away our dogs out to adoption.

We have the houses, the boat two trucks, his motorcycle.

Do I just file so he doesn't ruin our credit? OH? What is Cali law. He makes over 250 grand a year.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and well wishes.

Hi Shay--

Been thinking about what happened to you since I haven't seen you on the forum in a while.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. You have to take this just one day at a time. Feel free to pm if ya need me...

 

[Ohiogal]

I actually do love him. I can forgive. He has not been the same for months. Lost 40 grand, and he is a huge saver. Baby girl will eventually come around, but was always a daddy's girl. My son? Whole different story. He called him from Korea and told him that he raised him with morals and had no respect for him.

I modified this house to a 5 & for term of loan, they took off principal also. We have the other house on a arm loan. Had to give away our dogs out to adoption.

We have the houses, the boat two trucks, his motorcycle.

Do I just file so he doesn't ruin our credit? OH? What is Cali law. He makes over 250 grand a year.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and well wishes.

CC is the expert on on Cali Law. You need to file though and get a restraining order prohibiting dissipation of assets. Then you need to subpoena HIS financial records as well as the records of his girlfriend to see if assets are being dissipated.
Why did you have to give the dogs out to adoption? Ask for alimony as well.

 

[mistoffolees]

Do I just file so he doesn't ruin our credit? OH? What is Cali law. He makes over 250 grand a year.

You should file in order to protect your credit. Then notify all your creditors, credit card companies, etc that you filed. Cancel any joint credit cards. Then get a lawyer. With that kind of income, there's a lot at stake and CA is quite generous with spousal support, so even if you can't afford the cash up front, you may be able to find an attorney to give you payment terms.

 

[CourtClerk]

CC is the expert on on Cali Law. You need to file though and get a restraining order prohibiting dissipation of assets. Then you need to subpoena HIS financial records as well as the records of his girlfriend to see if assets are being dissipated.
Why did you have to give the dogs out to adoption? Ask for alimony as well.

There is an automotic restraining order that goes into effect for the petitioner upon filing for dissolution, and upon the respondent upon being served. You need to file for divorce a.s.a.p., ask for a temporary order of spousal support, and of course, you'll be fine in the long run, he's looking at paying you support for a lifetime.

Shay, honey, you need an attorney, but call me if you have any questions... or I'll PM you my home email address.

 

[>Charlotte<]

Let's see how much the little chippy loves him when half his disposable income disappears.

 

[TheGeekess]

Shay, I am so sorry you are having to go through this .... I know it's tough, but, I promise, it does get better. Not immediately, but someday. You'll look back at this and think how much better off you are without him than with him. Don't forget to take care of yourself and breathe!

File before he does is my best legal advice on this matter.

 

[Silverplum]

Let's see how much the little chippy loves him when half his disposable income disappears.

Words to live by!

Take care of yourself, Shay.

 

[LdiJ]

I actually do love him. I can forgive. He has not been the same for months. Lost 40 grand, and he is a huge saver. Baby girl will eventually come around, but was always a daddy's girl. My son? Whole different story. He called him from Korea and told him that he raised him with morals and had no respect for him.

I modified this house to a 5 & for term of loan, they took off principal also. We have the other house on a arm loan. Had to give away our dogs out to adoption.

We have the houses, the boat two trucks, his motorcycle.

Do I just file so he doesn't ruin our credit? OH? What is Cali law. He makes over 250 grand a year.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and well wishes.

If you are worried about his spending then yes, you really DO need to file ASAP...at least for a legal separation. You need to get the assets divided before they are all dissipated.