NCP wants the twins for a week

[mytwinsandme]

What is the name of your state? Arizona

The NCP moved to Tx with his girlfriend (now wife) when the twins were 6 mnths old. He spent very little time with them(about 72 hours) and visited them at the hospital only once. In April of 2003, the NCP's father had a heart attack and came out for 4 days. After being here for 3 days, he decided to visit with the boys for a couple of hours. He then came out for christmas of 2003 with his girlfriend for 5 days and only asked to visit with the children for a total of 8 hours. The NCP then waited for a year before coming out again. He came out for a week after christmas in 2004. He asked if him and his girlfriend could visit with children. I normally take vacation this week to spend with the children and because my sitter usually has this week off. After speaking with him, I agreed to cancel my vacation and allow him to have the children while I was at work as long as he would be with his mother (who lives 2 miles from me) and I was given an itinerary of their plans. When he arrived he said he did not have an itinerary because he was not sure of their plans. I agreed to allow him to call me when he left his mom's house and inform me of their whereabouts and call me when they returned. He did not comply. I then informed him that he needed to contact the children more frquently and make a specific trip to visit them other than christmas and family social obligations. He then called me and asked if him and his girlfriend could visit with the boys for 4 days in March of 2005. I was going out of town and had prearranged with my sister for childcare. After speaking with his mother (she informed me she would be home the whole time), I agreed to allow the boys to stay as long as I was given a call and informed if they were to leave the house and called when they returned. They did not comply. I called several times with no answer. I only recieved a call back after I left a message stating I was going to send my sister to pick up the children. Upon my return, I was informed that he did not come out to visit with the children but came out for his wedding. They also sent home 2 photo albums with pictures that concern me. 1) A picture of the NCP and the boys naked in the bath tub. 2) A picture of the boys naked in the tub. 3) A picture of one of my son's playing with an electrical plug. 4). A picture of his wife with my children after I stated I did not want to see a picture like that. I believe this was placed to provoke me. I did not react or respond to this. However, It did concern me that it seems like they were using my children to try to upset me. He has only called to check on the boys 2 times since March. He stated he wanted to come out for their birthday but did not have the money to do so. I offered to give him one of the child support checks so he could get a ticket to come and visit with them. He turned down my offer. Now he has recently called and informed me that he will be out here for a week after christmas and expects to have the whole week. I informed him that I already have vacation scheduled and that I have plans. I informed him that he could visit with the boys a few hours each day either at my house, the park, or one of the events I have planned for them whichever he prefers. He said I was being unreasonable and I was trying to get back at him. He stated he was going to take me to court and fight me for custody (this is his usual threat when I don't agree to his way). I feel, however, that my concerns are genuine. I don't feel like I should allow my children to visit the NCP unsupervised and I don't trust his mother anymore as she has not been honest with me in regards to the children. My court order states that "visitation will be prearranged with the mother as the father lives out of state." We do not have any prearrangements. He calls when he feels like seeing the children. Are my concerns unsubstantial? Is my visitation proposal resonable? Would you allow you children to visit the NCP in my situation? Am I going against any court orders with my visitation proposal?

 

[Whyte Noise]

You may not like my response, but here goes.

From your post, it looks like he has "prearranged" each and every visit. He's now trying to prearrange a visit for Christmas. Your order is vague and hard to enforce because the father doesn't have any set times or dates. However... declining his visitation dates offered on a repeated basis will show a pattern of you not wanting to "prearrange" anything. Just giving you a heads up.

He doesn't have to give you an itinerary of his time with the children. Sorry, but unless it's specifically written into the order that he does, then he is under no legal obligation to tell you when they leave the house or when they come back. If my ex were to try to tell me that when I had the children I had to call him before I left the hous and when I got back home I'd tell him to go pound sand. What the NCP does with their time is their business. The CP can't dictate where the NCP takes the children, just like the NCP can't dictate where the CP can or can't take them on their time.

My children took baths with me, and *gasp* I even have pictures of them playing in the bathtub together. It's not a crime unless the pictures are sexual in nature. Most parents have pictures of their children, naked, playing in a bathtub. I even have some taken of me over 30 years ago when I was a child, and guess what I'm doing? Yup... in the bathtub, playing with my Barbie Doll in the bubbles.

You say he calls when he wants to see them. What else is he supposed to do? Your order states visitations are to be prearranged and he's trying to make arrangements. You don't have set dates or times. He's giving you a 2 month heads-up that he wants the children for a week after Christmas, and that is not an unreasonable amount of time at all, and in most cases, more notice than a judge would order the NCP to give in a court order (which is usually anywhere between 7 and 30 days).

Should he contact the children more often by phone or letter? I think so, yes. Beacuse he doesn't do that, doesn't mean he loves them any less.

One thing you have to understand though, is that with long-distance parenting you don't get your child every other weekend like most people do. Honestly, you see your children 4-6 times a year, only for longer stretches (like a week or more). You have a long-distance parenting situation from your post. I have that as well. I live in TN, my ex lives in GA. We're to split every other holiday, but in reality the only visitations we usually do are Christmas, Thanksgiving, and then the children's summer vacations because those are the longest breaks from school the children have. Going for a 3 day holiday isn't really economically feasable for us, but we make sure the children see each parent on the major Holidays and for the summer. One summer he has all 3, the next I do, and we alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks in even and odd years.

Are your concerns substantial? IMO, I don't think so. Like I said, he doesnt have to give you an itinerary, he doesnt have to call you when he takes the kids somewhere or comes home, having pictures of your children in the tub is no big deal as almost all parents have them. He's calling to try and make arrangements to see his children for Christmas. True, he doesn't call to talk to them much, but my ex doesn't call our daughter either. I call his home every week to talk to my children (he has custody of 2, I have custody of 1) though, and he talks to our daughter that lives with me then. Does she like that her dad doesn't call her? Not at all. She's 13 and knows who does the calling each week. In the past 2 years, I think he's called (or rather, his wife has) twice. But you know, sometimes you have to be the bigger person and pick up the phone yourself and make that call to him. It doesn't hurt, trust me. And the kids are the ones that win out because they get to talk to their parent.

 

[NotSoNew]

i agree with missourigirl, you are trying to mico manage here, he does not have to tell you what he is doing and where he will be and when, when he has the children. do you ever stop to think about how that makes HIM feel as a parent? it sounds like he is making an honest effort to pre-arrange all of his visits and if you go into court saying you wouldnt agree to visits because he wouldnt give you his SCHEDULE or he had NAKED pics in a tub, a judge is not going to look favorably upon you.

 

[stealth2]

You, of course, call Dad to let him know every time the children step foot out of the house, right?

 

[misslawli]

Legally, you have nothing. But there was a statement that I read that, I think, is the key to EVERYTHING. once you work on this issue, you can start to be a team in raising your children.

"4). A picture of his wife with my children after I stated I did not want to see a picture like that."

You will now have to deal with the fact that she WILL be apart of thier lives. You can't control thier lives 100%. It isn't humanly possible. Youll go crazy if you don't grasp that now.

I might have missed it, but how old are the twins?

 

[LdiJ]

Let me ask you an important question that the others have neglected to ask. Does dad have court ordered vistation, and if so, what do those orders say?

Also, how old are the twins?

 

[haiku]

children. My court order states that "visitation will be prearranged with the mother as the father lives out of state."

.......................

 

[Whyte Noise]

Let me ask you an important question that the others have neglected to ask. Does dad have court ordered vistation, and if so, what do those orders say?

Didn't need to ask that important question as she stated in her first post what her court orders are.

*Points to haiku's post*

 

[LdiJ]

Didn't need to ask that important question as she stated in her first post what her court orders are.

*Points to haiku's post*

missed that....sigh....

 

[betterthanher]

missed that....sigh....

All the more reason why paragraphs and proper sentence structure are all of our friends!

 

[mommyto4]

in not a lawyer but I have to say that your lucky to get 2 months notice. My ex and I have the same arrangement with our two boys since he is out of state and military and I get 2 days notice most of the time that hes flying out.

I would stop complaining and relize that you have the children the rest of the time every year and he is coming out when he can.

plus you have to stop trying to control there visits because that isn't something that he is required to do.

 

[mytwinsandme]

Thanks For your replies

The NCP left our marriage when he found out I was pregnant and moved with his now wife. He stated the children were not his, I should have an abortion or give them up for adoption. Then because he was upset with having to pay child support. He threatened me numerous times to take the children from me (not in court). He gave me sole custody of the children and all rights when they were born before the divorce (finalized in Jan 2005).

I am not trying to control what they do with the children but I also am concerned that I will not get my children back again because of the threats he has made and I know what he is capable of. I am only concerned with the pictures in the tub because he has only spent a total of 2 weeks with them over 3 and a half years (since the day they were born). I know people have these pictures, but, they usually keep them at home and they are not strangers to their children. I am also concerned with the safety issues (my son playing with electrical plugs, the NCP driving around with them without carseats, smoking around the children, allowing my sons to climb the walls, jump off bunk beds, etc). These are items I have observed when picking my children up and tried to discuss them with him. If it were up to me I would not let him see them at all, however, I do know that it is important for them to see their father and do not want to take that away from them.

I have tried to recognize the fact that he is making a small effort in trying to visit with the children. I have bent over backwards in cancling my plans for him and his wife to see the children when I have gotten as little as an hour notice. I have also offered him a plane ticket on several occasions to come and see the children when he has indicated a desire to do so when he said he had no money. He has turned down my offer everytime.

Last year, I worked for a different company in which I was able to be more flexible with my vacation time. This year, I work for a company in which I had to schedule my vacation time a year in advance and I am unable to cancel at this point. I asked him when he thought he was coming out and he was unsure. I had to schedule my vacation around the time my sitter was taking hers. This is the first time he has let me know he was coming out this soon. Last year, he called me 2 days prior which was Christmas Eve.

I do understand that his now wife is part of his life and will have a part in the children's lives as a result. In the past, I spoke with his wife and informed her that I did not have a problem with her being around the children as he told her I did. I informed her I know "I can't control the fact that she takes pictures with my children but I would appreciate it if they kept them at their house." Then this year they sent the pictures to my house. I also gave her my phone number and email address and let her know that she could contact me anytime she wanted to discuss any isses regarding the children as could he. I have tried to make a positive environment for the children with resistance from them.

I have called him many times for the children to talk to him. He does not answer and rarely calls back. The boys like talking on the phone and the last phone call he hung up on them which was earlier this week. One of the boys was really upset. He hasn't called them back. Most of the time he does call he tries to talk to me more than the children. I try to keep communication between him and I limited to emails. It is easier to watch what I say that way.

I know everyone say to be the bigger person and I have been trying my hardest to do so. Honestly, though, I am tired of making the effort each and everytime since the day the boys were born. Everyone who knows my situation well and has been through everything with me has said that I have been the nicest person to him. They can't even believe that I will still allow him to see the children after everything he has done.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I know you all are giving me a different point of view to look from. I just want to make sure I am doing right by my children. My children are the world to me. I will look at things from different angles and trying to compromise a different arrangement.

 

[xKellyx]

The only thing I see is :

1) A picture of the NCP and the boys naked in the bath tub.

You say there that the father is in the picture and he is naked too? Then he sent you this picture? Why is he sending you a naked picture of himself? If he was just sending a naked picture of the twins in the bath tub thats entirely different, but I don't see why you have to see him naked too.

 

[bononos]

allowing my sons to climb the walls, jump off bunk beds, etc).

Well, I guess you'd never have your kids over my house for play dates. You'd be amazed at the jungle my house can be with a 3 yr. old and 7 yr. old boys.
It's a good day if this is the only things they do.
Their kids!
You are the problem, not dad, you being controlling over him and your kids.
Your over-protective!

 

[mytwinsandme]

I asked myself the same question. Why would he send me pictures like that? Pictures of him and the boys are fine. They need to have pictures with their dad. Why send me naked ones of him? Just as I always ask him why does he want to talk to me? There is nothing left to discuss but the children and we can do that fine through email. I know how he thinks and I am sure he sent them to try and provoke me into doing something as I can be very passionate at times. I refuse to respond to him though. Although, I feel like I am being a push over and allowing him to run all over me. I guess whatever is best for the kids. Right??