need advice

[msdad]

What is the name of your state?oh

I have a 9 year old son with a woman whom I was engaged to but never married. I did not speak to her when she was pregnant and I have never seen my son. She did take me to court for child support, and I have always paid it. I tried sometime last year to see him when he was at my mothers house, but my mother called her to ask if it was ok. My ex said not that day and that I should call her if I want to talk about it. I'm not going to call her. She sent me a letter stating that my son is fine and adjusted right now and that I should leave this decision to him when he is a little older, and that I'm being selfish by disrupting his life right now after all these years. My current girlfriend with whom I live with has an 8 & 9 year old. She says that I'm not going to be "right" until I see my son. My ex says that that has everything to do with me and nothing to do with my son. She (ex) says that I am trying to use her son to heal myself and not doing it for his well being. But I'm upset because she married and now wants to change my sons last name to her new last name,(he never had my last name) and my son calls her husband dad. He does know that I exist though!! I don't believe this is fair. My ex says that this man has been with her since my son was 1 and my son has every right to call him that. BUT I AM HIS DAD!!!

Ok long story I know, but my question is; can I get visitation even though I have never seen him? I know that she would talk to me if I called her, but I don't want to have to deal with her. Do I have to call her before I get a lawyer? If so, she will just tell me that I should leave it alone for right now. Also can she have his last name changed?

 

[stealth2]

She would need either your consent or a court order to change the kid's name legally.

So, why have you not sought visitation through legal channels in 9 years? Until you have it, she is under no obligation to allow you any contact with the boy.

 

[msdad]

I just thought I would let sleeping dogs lie. When I left her, I left her and at the time it didn't matter to me if she was pregnant or not. I guess it should have she was 20 and I was 27. She said that she gave me for the first year of his life to start contact with him where she would allow it and after that I would have to take her to court. I didn't do it in the first year, or after that. But my girlfriend and mother think that seeing him now is what's best for me. I think I agree

 

[msdad]

what if I don't give consent for the name change? Can she get a court order anyway? thank you

 

[worriedwith1]

I just thought I would let sleeping dogs lie. When I left her, I left her and at the time it didn't matter to me if she was pregnant or not. I guess it should have she was 20 and I was 27. She said that she gave me for the first year of his life to start contact with him where she would allow it and after that I would have to take her to court. I didn't do it in the first year, or after that. But my girlfriend and mother think that seeing him now is what's best for me. I think I agree

Why didn't you contact her to see him during the first year? Didn't you think about this when you left her when she was pregnant?

 

[worriedwith1]

Why didn't you contact her to see him during the first year? Didn't you think about this when you left her when she was pregnant?

By the way, since you left when Mom was pregnant and have not had contact since, was paternity ever proven to see if this child is really yours?

 

[stealth2]

what if I don't give consent for the name change? Can she get a court order anyway? thank you

She could. Since you HAVEN'T made any effort to enforce your rights, and he has a father figure in his life, it is entirely likely that a judge would consider it to be in his best interests to have his name reflect the reality that you allowed. Fact is, if you'd made the effort to be a part of his life from early on, he wouldn't be calling another man Dad. The man who DID spend the time with him. You may have fathered him, but you have not been his father, let alone his Dad. That's on you, not her.

 

[msdad]

At the time it was too much for me to deal with. I had other problems then. Two DUI's and I wasn't sure the baby was mine. I found out when he was 6 months. But she was taking me to court for child support and I told her once it was proven that he was mine, I would set up a fund for him that HE COULD HAVE, NOT HER when he turned 18. But she took me anyway, and at the time I was angry with her for it.

 

[msdad]

Yes we had a paternity test 99.18%...yes he's mine

 

[worriedwith1]

She could. Since you HAVEN'T made any effort to enforce your rights, and he has a father figure in his life, it is entirely likely that a judge would consider it to be in his best interests to have his name reflect the reality that you allowed. Fact is, if you'd made the effort to be a part of his life from early on, he wouldn't be calling another man Dad. The man who DID spend the time with him. You may have fathered him, but you have not been his father, let alone his Dad. That's on you, not her.

I agree totally with you Stealth...This child has had a father figure in his life since he was 1, now Dad wants to know why he's not involved. Well he should have thought about that then. If Paternity was never proven then Dad doesn't even legally have rights to this child. He said he left when she was pregnant so chances are that he never had a paternity test. Couldn't she legally change his name then without his consent?

 

[stealth2]

At the time it was too much for me to deal with. I had other problems then. Two DUI's and I wasn't sure the baby was mine. I found out when he was 6 months. But she was taking me to court for child support and I told her once it was proven that he was mine, I would set up a fund for him that HE COULD HAVE, NOT HER when he turned 18. But she took me anyway, and at the time I was angry with her for it.

But see, it doesn't work that way. A child needs to be supported now, not in 18 years. You were proven to be the father and you had a responsibility. Nowit does sound as though you followed through on your financial obligation, and you should be commended for that. But don't whine about how you had problems and couldn't deal with it. You dealt with unzipping your pants and bedding her just fine. That little boy needed someone to be his father, When you didn't step up to the plate - someone else did. The question now is - are you going to stand up to your responsibility now? You weren't a kid then, and you are less so now. I think you're girlfriend's right, btw - it's time you did the right thing.

 

[VeronicaGia]

Yes we had a paternity test 99.18%...yes he's mine

So then you need to file for court ordered visitation. A judge will likely order a "getting to know you" period or supervised visits at first. But unless there is a court order, she is under no obligation to grant visitation.

 

[msdad]

I'm not totally convinced that this is the right thing to do. Maybe I should leave it alone until he comes to find me. I don't want to have to answer all of the questions my son will have for me. Knowing his mother she will put him in theropy for this!!!!!!!!

 

[VeronicaGia]

I'm not totally convinced that this is the right thing to do. Maybe I should leave it alone until he comes to find me. I don't want to have to answer all of the questions my son will have for me. Knowing his mother she will put him in theropy for this!!!!!!!!

How many more questions do you think he will have when he's 12, or 15 or 18?

 

[msdad]

Besides she will have my son call me by my name and not dad, and I don't think that's right. What's the point of it, if he's calling someone else dad?