need advice

[stealth2]

I'm not totally convinced that this is the right thing to do. Maybe I should leave it alone until he comes to find me. I don't want to have to answer all of the questions my son will have for me. Knowing his mother she will put him in theropy for this!!!!!!!!

Do you really think the questions will be any easier to answer in 9 years when he's an adult and wants to know why you couldn't be bothered to be a father? Grow the f*ck up! You are now 38 years old. You're not a kid who made a mistake. If this is too hard for you to do, ask his mother if his DAD might be willing to adopt the boy so that he has some closure and stability in his life. And if I was your g/f and saw that this is how you treat your own flesh and blood? I'd tell you to head straight out my door and not let it hit you in the a$$ 'cause I sure wouldn't want you involved with my kids. Chee-rist.

 

[stealth2]

Besides she will have my son call me by my name and not dad, and I don't think that's right. What's the point of it, if he's calling someone else dad?

The point of it is that you can make right a situation that you've screwed up for 9 years. Pathetic is what you are.

 

[worriedwith1]

How many more questions do you think he will have when he's 12, or 15 or 18?

WEll being a parent, is ansering questions. You said your child knows about you but is calling his mothers husband Dad, so how many questions do you think SHE had to answer that you son has been curious about already? Maybe you should think about this long and hard before you walk into this childs life. You are his father and yes you do have rights but you seem to be unsure of what rights you want and dont feel like dealing with.

 

[msdad]

Do you know how long the "getting to know" period is? Does someone else have to be there? When can I have him by myself if so?

You are all very hostile. You weren't in my shoes back then. but thanks for the advice anyway

 

[ejmmolina]

IF its not worth it to you then just leave it alone. You are the one who let this happen. Its not her fault its not the step dads fault it is yours. How selfish are you, you dont want to answer questions from your son???? So you feel you have done nothing wrong??? Please your son is lucky that your ex found a guy who loves him like his own. Lord knows you were never going to step up and be his father. 9 years is way to late. You keep making excuses why it not a good idea you obviously dont really want to be in his life. It sems to me you are only doing this to hurt the mom and prevent her from giving the kids step dads last name, and so you wont look any worse to your girlfriend and own mother.

 

[stealth2]

Uuuurgh, this situation really peeves me. Why should this kid call YOU Dad? What have you done for him in the past 9 years that has earned you the right to that title? Have you held his hand when he was scared abotu his first day of school? Have you held his head as he's vomited for the 10th time into the toilet when he's been sick? Have you told him you're proud of him for trying his hardest when he's in tears for striking out *again*? Have you been there to volunteer at his school? Or applaud when he participates in a concert? Do you know what his grades are? His teacher's name? What grade he's in? Do you know what he wants to be when he grows up? What he's scared of when the lights are off? What his favorite song is? What the one thing he wants most for Christmas might be?

Has it ever occured to you that the reasons those questions he might have for you would be so hard to answer is because the answers wouldn't be pleasant for you to admit to? They shouldn't be. But you ARE his biological father and you DO still have time to form a relationship. However, you also need to accept the reality that he calls another man Dad because that man has done all of the above when you haven't. Not because you weren't given the opportunity, but because you didn't bother to avail yourself of it. Grow up.

 

[msdad]

I just want whats best for this kid. And being honest; I couldn't even tell you his eye color! Which I realize is my mistake. However, I can't change the past. His mother will fight me on this and I think that might make him more upset about this situation. I have a feeling it will take a long time. Do you know how long? I'm sorry if everyone is so upset with me!! All I wanted to know was what my rights are, not be "yelled" at!

 

[stealth2]

Do you know how long the "getting to know" period is? Does someone else have to be there? When can I have him by myself if so?

You are all very hostile. You weren't in my shoes back then. but thanks for the advice anyway

It's hard to say. You'll likely have a period of supervised visits of a few hours each (2-4 hours). Then some short unsupervised visits (2-4 hours). Then some longer unsupervised visits (4-8 hours). Then some daylong visits (9am-6pm). Then a few overnights. And only then full weekends and school breaks. Nine years is a long time to make up, and the kid shouldn't be rushed. You weren't.

 

[stealth2]

I don't want to have to answer all of the questions my son will have for me .... What's the point of it, if he's calling someone else dad? .... I just want whats best for this kid.

Which of these is not like the other?

(and trust me, you haven't even come close to being yelled at)

 

[msdad]

No, I meant from the time I start the legal process to the time that I can see him. Supervised or not.

If I show up for the court case on the name change and say I don't want it changed will the judge change it anyway? He has always had her last name. But she gave him my first name as his middle when he was born (trying to get me to see him) and now she's changing that too!

 

[stealth2]

No, I meant from the time I start the legal process to the time that I can see him. Supervised or not.

It's impossible to say - depends on how crowded the docket is.

If I show up for the court case on the name change and say I don't want it changed will the judge change it anyway? He has always had her last name. But she gave him my first name as his middle when he was born (trying to get me to see him) and now she's changing that too!

The judge could well do so. The question is - what argument would you present that his name should NOT be changed? He does not currently carry your name. You have not been a part of his life for 9 years. What do you have to counter that?

 

[msdad]

That biologically he IS mine, and that I have paid support for him. Won't that mean something?

Her argument is, is that she wants him to have the same last name as her no matter what her last name is. Will that override my argument?

 

[stealth2]

It could. Because while he is biologically yours and you pay support, you haven't done anything further to act like a father.

 

[msdad]

Do you know of any cases like this? Will his middle name change too, if his last name changes?

Also, to whom ever posted before, I know that she has had to answer questions. So has my mother who has contact with him. But Please! I think those are a little easier to answer than the ones he's going to direct to me. Be it my own fault or not.

Could I bring my mom to the name change hearing? Would the judge listen to her because she sees him?

 

[worriedwith1]

That biologically he IS mine, and that I have paid support for him. Won't that mean something?

Her argument is, is that she wants him to have the same last name as her no matter what her last name is. Will that override my argument?

Why is it such a big deal to you that his mother might change his name to her married name, the name of the FATHER who has been fathering him since he was 1? Is it a game,control,spite? I dont get it. You didn't want the responsibility when he was born, you left, now you SAY you want to get to know him but then say maybe your not ready for all the questions and that why bother since he calls someone else Dad. Why didn't you ever fight to give him your last name when you found out he was your? You should of realized that oneday Mom would marry and her name would change. If he's fathering him, let him have the honor of giving him his last name too. He deserves it.