need advice

[stealth2]

I think those are a little easier to answer than the ones he's going to direct to me. Be it my own fault or not.

Stop making this all about you and how hard it's going to be for you. Believe me - the questions he's asked his mother have not been easy to answer if she's even thought about not badmouthing you. She couldn't even use the "maybe that's a question you should ask your Dad" line. 'Cause you weren't there to answer the questions. Even worse for your mother - who has to think about what sort of son SHE raised. Really - quit whining about how hard it's going to be to answer his questions.

 

[worriedwith1]

Why is it such a big deal to you that his mother might change his name to her married name, the name of the FATHER who has been fathering him since he was 1? Is it a game,control,spite? I dont get it. You didn't want the responsibility when he was born, you left, now you SAY you want to get to know him but then say maybe your not ready for all the questions and that why bother since he calls someone else Dad. Why didn't you ever fight to give him your last name when you found out he was your? You should of realized that oneday Mom would marry and her name would change. If he's fathering him, let him have the honor of giving him his last name too. He deserves it.

Your son is going to ask you the same questions he has or might ask his mother, in the future. You asked why we are all so hostile about this situation and thats because as mothers, we deal with these questions when Dads walk out of our childrens lifes and later want to return and decide to be fathers. Its hard and fraturating for us. I am glad you are atleast making the attempt to get to know your son and thats good but please understand how hard it must be for Mom and her husband who have been there for this child that you weren't ready for.

 

[msdad]

Because what if when he is older he and I have a good relationship? Then he would be carring around someone elses last name. I know you are going to say that he never had mine anyway, but this is another man's name. Not the name his mother gave him at birth.

 

[worriedwith1]

Because what if when he is older he and I have a good relationship? Then he would be carring around someone elses last name. I know you are going to say that he never had mine anyway, but this is another man's name. Not the name his mother gave him at birth.

Another man's name that fathered another mans child when he walked out!

 

[msdad]

From what I have heard from my mom and what my ex has told me. She (ex) does not bad mouth me. Which I think is good for me should I see him. However ex has apparently made me a non issue to him too. Saying things like "families come all kind of ways", and a dad is someone who raises you, not who makes you. She told my son that God, her and I made him, but that her husband is his dad. That's what I mean about answering these kinds of questions.

 

[stealth2]

Because what if when he is older he and I have a good relationship? Then he would be carring around someone elses last name.

When he's 18, he can change it to anything he wants to. Including Kid JediKnight.

From what I have heard from my mom and what my ex has told me. She (ex) does not bad mouth me. Which I think is good for me should I see him. However ex has apparently made me a non issue to him too. Saying things like "families come all kind of ways", and a dad is someone who raises you, not who makes you. She told my son that God, her and I made him, but that her husband is his dad. That's what I mean about answering these kinds of questions.

And for this, you should be counting your blessings and including his Mom in your prayers every night. What she has been saying to the boy is exactly right. Whould you rather she told him "your Dad is scum who couldn't be bothered to come see you"? Familes DO come in all ways. And a Dad IS the someone who does all those things I listed above. Even if you didn't live with him, you could have done a lot of them and been a Dad. You chose not to do so. If you're lucky, your son will have two Dad's. But don't diss the other guy for doing what you weren't prepared to do. If anything, he deserves your respect and gratitude.

 

[casa]

Sounds like the Mom gave very loving and caring answers to your child. You should be glad about that. As far as the comment "Knowing her, she'll want therapy"...uhhhhh YEAH it would be a good idea! After all it will be confusing and unsettling to have his life changed this way so dramatically after all this time. You shouldn't knock the idea- In fact, maybe a therapist can help you answer all the questions you seem to be at a loss to handle.

About the name change- The child never had your name, so why do you care what name he has now?????

 

[msdad]

Point is, is that she has made it very difficult for me to even try to establish a relationship with him by saying these things.

Did anyone know if I bring my mom to the name change if that would help, because she sees him?

I do understand that you guys are moms, but even though I "unzipped and bedded" my ex.(as someone put it) I didn't ask to have a child then. At the time I thought she should have considered aadoption because when we broke up she had to move in with her father. I understand I can't change that now. So I'm trying to get every option that I have. I know this will make you guys mad, but I really just want what's best for everyone. Seeing him or not.

 

[worriedwith1]

From what I have heard from my mom and what my ex has told me. She (ex) does not bad mouth me. Which I think is good for me should I see him. However ex has apparently made me a non issue to him too. Saying things like "families come all kind of ways", and a dad is someone who raises you, not who makes you. She told my son that God, her and I made him, but that her husband is his dad. That's what I mean about answering these kinds of questions.

Well I think she's right. And I think it would be hard for you to explain that to your son but its the truth. You gave your DNA to make this child but his mothers husband has gave his Love,time,and dedication to this child and thats why he calls him Dad. As your son gets older he will understand all of this and make his choice about wether he wants to build a relationship with you but dont expect your son to not ask questions. He not only has the right to these questions but answering these questions will be a start to a possible relationship for you and him.

 

[stealth2]

Point is, is that she has made it very difficult for me to even try to establish a relationship with him by saying these things.

Okay - so what do YOU think she should have said to him?

 

[cascole]

At the time I thought she should have considered aadoption because when we broke up she had to move in with her father. I understand I can't change that now.

Why don't you ask your ex if this child's DADDY would like to ADOPT him now? That would probably be the best (and first unselfish) thing you could do for this boy.

 

[msdad]

I don't know if this guy deserves my respect or gratitude, I don't know him at all. My mother says he's a business man who is 41 years old, and is nice to my son but feels bad and gets upset himself if my son cries even when my son did something wrong. Is that good parenting? My ex is 29.

Ok give it to me, but even if I screwed up I still think he should be more strict.

 

[stealth2]

I don't know if this guy deserves my respect or gratitude, I don't know him at all. My mother says he's a business man who is 41 years old, and is nice to my son but feels bad and gets upset himself if my son cries even when my son did something wrong. Is that good parenting? My ex is 29.

Ok give it to me, but even if I screwed up I still think he should be more strict.

At this point you have NO right to dictate how he does or does not parent this child. Frankly - who the f*ck do you think you are to have an opinion when you can't even bring yourself to face your son to tell him why you've been absent from his life?

 

[msdad]

I don't know what she should have said to him. But saying that I'm not his dad when I am is wrong

 

[ohiomomof3]

Don't give up now, you can try to make up for lost time rather than add more to it. It's never too late to be a father. I have made restrictions against my ex on his visitation, only to let them get familiar w/eachother as well as controlling the environment. (no drugs/alcohol) He has yet to take advantage of his rights, because he's mad about the way I did things. But I still believe that some is better than none, and you are dealing with a far greater time-warp than we are. Children love no matter what. She can say whatever to your child, but he's getting to the age where they make their own decisions and opinions. You give up now, you may not ever get that chance to have a history with him.