New to site - question about vacations with dd before an agreement

[bellamaya]

What is the name of your state? NY

I just served my husband with the divorce papers (after 3 months of trying to get him to be civil). We are still living in the same house with our 15 month old dd.

My question is this: I would like to take a 10 vacation with dd to go up and see my mom and relax from all of this stress. My lawyer says it's ok, that I have every right but my husband says that since I don't have his permission, I can't go, that he will stop me and that it's kidnapping.

I'm leaving on the 20th and I'm scared that he will try to stop me (physically) from leaving with her (he will 'let' me go of course).

What's right? I'm so worried there will be a problem and my dd will be in the middle.

Thanks! I'm sure I will be visiting this site alot as this only the beginning of the end!!

 

[stephenk]

what's a "dd"?

does your mom also live in NY?

 

[bellamaya]

I'm sorry; I am also on an IVF message board and they have all of these initials for things - it's habit.

DD is a darling daughter and no, mom lives in Boston. Is there anything he can do about me leaving with our daughter?

Thanks

 

[stephenk]

not unless he goes to court to get an order preventing the trip.

do the divorce papers state anything about custody and restricting movement of the child to only within NY?

 

[bellamaya]

No. The papers just said that we are asking for sole custody and the house. I don't think he would go to court to stop it but who knows. I just don't want it to hurt me in the future with custody.

Another question: we were on vacation in Hawaii when I asked him for a separation (I know, it should have waited till we got home but hey..). Anyway, he ended up leaving me, dd and my mom (she came with us) in Hawaii and he flew back home as he was so upset. Is that a kind of abandonment? He wanted to take dd with him and I told him no, that it was kidnapping without my permission. Isn't what I'm doing, going on vacation, the same thing? Cuz I don't have his permission? I hope not!!

Thanks

 

[krispenstpeter]

Another question: we were on vacation in Hawaii when I asked him for a separation (I know, it should have waited till we got home but hey..). Anyway, he ended up leaving me, dd and my mom (she came with us) in Hawaii and he flew back home as he was so upset. Is that a kind of abandonment? He wanted to take dd with him and I told him no, that it was kidnapping without my permission. Isn't what I'm doing, going on vacation, the same thing? Cuz I don't have his permission? I hope not!!

So, it's o.k. for you to lie and connive to get your way but if your soon-to-be ex does the same thing then it's NOT alright?

Lady, you better get your act together REAL fast.

Legally, you can take the child because there is no court order in place as of yet. HOWEVER, he can also do the same. SO don't come back to this forum IF and When he takes off for a few days to another state on 'vacation' with HIS daughter.

And no, it's not abandonment. Where do you people come up with this crap?

 

[stealth2]

If you weren't willing to let him take her with him, why do you feel it's okay for you to do it? What's good for the gander ought to be good for the goose.

 

[bellamaya]

Wow! What a response!

I'm sorry if I'm naive about this whole divorce process; I've never done this before but I don't understand why your responses have to be so nasty. If I'm doing something wrong, fine, let me know but don't be so mean about it.

I was so happy that I found this message board so I could ask questions and learn abou tthe process but I'm not sure if I will continue (not that I'm sure you would care). Isn't this forum for people like me, who don't understand the law, who want to learn from it and from those who answer our questions?

So, thank you for your anwers but I can do without the sarcasm. This is tuff enough without the comments.

 

[krispenstpeter]

So, you would like to know about the law but right and wrong don't matter?

Listen lady, I'm tame compared to a judge who will deciding the future of you, your soon-to-be ex and the child.

You expect a judge to allow you to do things you 'don't allow' your ex to do? FORGET IT.

You had better learn real fast that the moment you file for divorce that child will be the court's responsibility. And if you try this "I won't allow" crap then, well let's just say you had better look good in orange.

I told you what you can do up and until the divorce decree is signed and the stipulations are added. Until then YOU AND your soon-to-be ex have exactly the same rights.

And if he decides to take off to key west for a month with that child then you can't do one thing about it.

So, the real question is, do you want to start these games or do you want to start acting like someone who gives a damn?

 

[Mi1]

bellamaya,

Extract all the good you can from this forum and try to not be effected by the sharp words. You are about to enter into the world of divorce. it is never pretty. During the proceedings, People will be sharp and to the point, practice getting used to it here. Do I agree that is HAS to be that way here? no ... but it is. It has its value.

Also, if you are doing things that are unfair, the judge will catch it, this is a better place to find out you have done something to damage your position than in court.

When filing for divorce, some folks tend to get the "since my spouse isnt making me happy, they dont deserve to live" attitude. Remember they have rights also. A poor spouse does not always mean a poor parent. The kids need both parents to continue being parents.

krispenstpeter said most of this already. I just said it a tone you may absorb. rest assured, the lawyers and judges wont be full of sweetness. Im sure you realize all this, little reminders are ok.

 

[krispenstpeter]

krispenstpeter said most of this already. I just said it a tone you may absorb. rest assured, the lawyers and judges wont be full of sweetness

 

[bellamaya]

Thank you Mi1!

I know I will have to be fair in this and I am trying to be (not as a result of that krispen person but b/c I am a good person). I am also trying to get ready for harsh words from his lawyer and the judge (this was a good intro I guess).

I realize both parents need to see dd and he has been spending more time with her (I have yet to deny him of spending time with her and I don't intend to and that goes for his parents too - I have told him this many times).

I just don't think it's fair that he can cross out every and all weekends/family obligations and holidays that I want to spend with her (he allowed me Mother's Day). I think we should be equal on those things until custoday and visitation are set. He also wants me to write down EVERY THING that I feed her during the day and demands to know where she is at all times of the day when she is not at home. I'm sorry but that is not going to happen. I wouldn't ask that of him; I trust that he won't take her to the inner city and that he feeds her well when he is with her.

I know I'll be hearing from someone about this. I can take criticism but I guess if it's from someone who knows me (at least a judge or lawyer can see what kind of person I am), I can handle it.

Thanks

 

[krispenstpeter]

not as a result of that krispen person

That's the NICEST thing anyone has said about me on this forum for a LOOOOOOONG time

I just don't think it's fair that he can cross out every and all weekends/family obligations and holidays that I want to spend with her (he allowed me Mother's Day). I think we should be equal on those things until custoday and visitation are set. He also wants me to write down EVERY THING that I feed her during the day and demands to know where she is at all times of the day when she is not at home. I'm sorry but that is not going to happen. I wouldn't ask that of him; I trust that he won't take her to the inner city and that he feeds her well when he is with her.

Tell him four things if he continues this crap:

1. There will be NO negotiating if he continues this act. If he wants to act like a child he can speak with your attorney. PERIOD!

2. You WILL share holidays and weekends and will be amenable to him taking her during the week. But his days of playing lord and master are over, unless he would like to discuss it with your attorney.

3. What and when you feed the child is YOUR BUSINESS and the same goes for him. If he wants you to write down everything you feed her then he can pay for a stenographer to come to your house. And make sure she does windows.

4. Tell it to the JUDGE.

 

[bellamaya]

Thank you Krispen-

If you weren't so freakin harsh in your responses I'm sure others would find at least ONE redeeming quality about you

Have a nice day

 

[Mi1]

Yes, I agree with above...

he needs to take the advice I gave also. "bad spouse does not mean bad parent" ... he does not need to turn into one(bad parent) over this!

Send me a private message, we can talk more about the problems with divorce that are not law related.