Please advice

[kaycbt]

What is the name of your state? IL

Hi. I have 3 kids which are 9, 8 and 6. I've been divorced for 2 years. When we did the dovorce I elected not to get my own lawyer. When we signed the divorce papers my ex has reassured me verbally that we can change whateve was in the papers. We have joint custody of the kids.

We agreed that my son would live with his father and at the time we did the divorce, my 8 year old daughter was living in California with my aunt. It was stated in the divorce papers that our daughter would as well stay with him when she moves to IL in the year 2003. Although the latter was stated in the papers, we verbally agreed that my daughter would live with me anyway. Its been two years and now my daughter lives with me.

Now my problem is this, my ex is living with his girl friend and my ex insist that my kids call her Mom and it infuriates me. I've mentioned to my ex that I have a very big problem with that and he will just reply that the kids are used to it by now and will be confused. I have mentioned that by law, she is not entitled to be called Mom. At which point, she and him makes the decisions for our youngest 6 year old son; the likes of where he goes to school, which doctor he goes to and what activities he does without informing me or asking for my consent. It even goes to the point of the girlfriend posing as the real mom in doctor's offices so my son can get his shots. They would not inform me. Yet I went out of my way and moved closer to my son's domicile so I can be there for him more. I am just 7 miles away from where he lives. They seem to have taken my right away as a mother.

During August of this year, my ex allowed that my son to go with his girlfriend for a two week vacation in the Philippines. I've consented to this on grounds that he will be able to see his Grandparents (my parents) and his older 9 year old sister who lives with my parents. I've asked for a phone number where I can reach and call my son while he was staying there. They never gave me a phone number and neither did the girlfriend call me or informed me how my son was doing out there which was 3,000 miles away from me during those two weeks. But my ex had means and ways to communicate with her. She didn’t even bother calling the grandparents or his older sister since those were my conditions.

I've confronted his girlfriend this week regarding being addressed as Mom by my kids. She said I should be happy instead that she is considering my kids as her own and that I should not make a big deal out of it. I feel she is going beyond her means and depriving me of my rights as the real mother. My ex got upset by me confronting the girlfriend.

Since I've been out of work for 4 months now as well, I've asked him nicely to support our child in the Philippines. Not once did he ever give any child support to her. I don’t know how this can be enforced since she is in a foreign country.

Because I've insisted my kids to not call the girlfriend Mom, he is very upset and is now threatening me that he will get my daughter on Sunday to live with him. He does nt give child support either for the 8 year old daughter who lives with me. We have verbally agreed on this that my daughter will live with me and has always since. School records and even Doctor's offices says my address not his. He said he is going to enforce what was written in our divorce papers. My daughter does not want to go either. He didn’t want to have anything to do with her and he has mentioned this when we had the verbal agreement. Now he is getting my daughter to get back at me for confronting his girlfriend.

I am stuck at a position where: 1. I really can not afford to hire a lawyer to change matters. 2. What happens when he involves the police when I would not let him take my daughter on Sunday to live with him?

I have always considered what was best for my kids and in the first place it was I who wanted them to be able to have their father in their life while growing up. And now I am at a position where my own rights are completely not respected.

I'd be glad and I would appreciate any advice. Thanks.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

All of this crap over children calling his girlfriend 'MOM"?

Lady, you are a piece of work.

If you haven't figured it out by now, He has every right to come get his daughter because you were stupid enough to put that exact scenario in the divorce decree.

So, my advice to you is keep your mouth shut about the 'mom' issue, or wave bye bye to dear old daughter.

 

[kaycbt]

It goes beyond the "MOM" issues. Its her deciding on issues thats suppose to be my decision about my children and their well being.

If you want me to shut up about that. I don't think so.

 

[momofrose]

It DOES hurt when your children call another woman "mom" ESPECIALLY when that person is not even married to the father... I can't imagine why a "normal" woman would want other children calling her mom..but apparently she has an insecurity and is needing to fill it.

In any case..why not talk to your children (they are old enough) and explain that you are "mom" and come up with another nice name for the "girlfriend". My husband is step-dad to my 8 year old daughter and she calles him "Pop (name)"...but then again, we ARE married.

It is not proper for your children to be calling your ex-husband's girlfriend "mom". Can you not go back to court "pro-se" and modify living and.or visitation agreements?? Do NOT trusr VERBAL agreements any longer.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

It DOES hurt when your children call another woman "mom" ESPECIALLY when that person is not even married to the father... I can't imagine why a "normal" woman would want other children calling her mom..but apparently she has an insecurity and is needing to fill it.

In any case..why not talk to your children (they are old enough) and explain that you are "mom" and come up with another nice name for the "girlfriend". My husband is step-dad to my 8 year old daughter and she calles him "Pop (name)"...but then again, we ARE married.

It is not proper for your children to be calling your ex-husband's girlfriend "mom". Can you not go back to court "pro-se" and modify living and.or visitation agreements?? Do NOT trusr VERBAL agreements any longer.

And all of this is immaterial to the legal issue. Or didn't you read her post?

The FATHER has custody of the girl. If our little poster wants to stand on her highhorse then fine. She waves bye bye to daughter.

It's not rocket science. And it's NOT illegal to call the postman mom, or the dog or any damn person the children WANT to call mom.

 

[kaycbt]

Donald,

I am only seeking legal advice and if that includes being flamed, so be it.

But are you a lawyer from the state of IL by any chance?

-

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Donald,

I am only seeking legal advice. If that includes flaming so be it.

But are you a lawyer from the state of IL by any chance?

-

Who the hell is Donald?

 

[kaycbt]

If you'd like to be called belize instead then its you I am referring to.

 

[momofrose]

"Donald" is the person from whom thwy quotw..not the person writing thw post.

"D"

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Hi. I have 3 kids which are 9, 8 and 6. I've been divorced for 2 years. When we did the dovorce I elected not to get my own lawyer. When we signed the divorce papers my ex has reassured me verbally that we can change whateve was in the papers. We have joint custody of the kids.

O.K. two issues. One, joint custody means simply you both have legal voice over the children. And your ex was right in his 'verbal' reassurance. The 'papers' can be changed at any time. AS LONG as you take the changes before a judge and neither party objects.

We agreed that my son would live with his father and at the time we did the divorce, my 8 year old daughter was living in California with my aunt. It was stated in the divorce papers that our daughter would as well stay with him when she moves to IL in the year 2003.

Pretty straightforward. HE has custody of the daughter.

Although the latter was stated in the papers, we verbally agreed that my daughter would live with me anyway. Its been two years and now my daughter lives with me.

Meaningless. Until a court changes the 'agreement' custody still resides with the father.

Now my problem is this, my ex is living with his girl friend and my ex insist that my kids call her Mom and it infuriates me. I've mentioned to my ex that I have a very big problem with that and he will just reply that the kids are used to it by now and will be confused. I have mentioned that by law, she is not entitled to be called Mom. At which point, she and him makes the decisions for our youngest 6 year old son; the likes of where he goes to school, which doctor he goes to and what activities he does without informing me or asking for my consent. It even goes to the point of the girlfriend posing as the real mom in doctor's offices so my son can get his shots. They would not inform me. Yet I went out of my way and moved closer to my son's domicile so I can be there for him more. I am just 7 miles away from where he lives. They seem to have taken my right away as a mother.

And this is an issue between you and the medical staff.

During August of this year, my ex allowed that my son to go with his girlfriend for a two week vacation in the Philippines. I've consented to this on grounds that he will be able to see his Grandparents (my parents) and his older 9 year old sister who lives with my parents. I've asked for a phone number where I can reach and call my son while he was staying there. They never gave me a phone number and neither did the girlfriend call me or informed me how my son was doing out there which was 3,000 miles away from me during those two weeks. But my ex had means and ways to communicate with her. She didn’t even bother calling the grandparents or his older sister since those were my conditions.

Again, these 'conditions' are legally irrelevant and meaningless.

Since I've been out of work for 4 months now as well, I've asked him nicely to support our child in the Philippines. Not once did he ever give any child support to her. I don’t know how this can be enforced since she is in a foreign country.

And unless there is an existing court order for support of these children, he doesn't have to give them a dime.

Because I've insisted my kids to not call the girlfriend Mom, he is very upset and is now threatening me that he will get my daughter on Sunday to live with him. He does nt give child support either for the 8 year old daughter who lives with me. We have verbally agreed on this that my daughter will live with me and has always since. School records and even Doctor's offices says my address not his. He said he is going to enforce what was written in our divorce papers. My daughter does not want to go either. He didn’t want to have anything to do with her and he has mentioned this when we had the verbal agreement. Now he is getting my daughter to get back at me for confronting his girlfriend.

And until you petition for a change in custody, he is well within his legal rights.

I am stuck at a position where:
1. I really can not afford to hire a lawyer to change matters.

That's a personal problem, not a legal one.

2. What happens when he involves the police when I would not let him take my daughter on Sunday to live with him?

You can go to jail for obstruction, be fined for contempt or a myriad of other things can happen.

I have always considered what was best for my kids and in the first place it was I who wanted them to be able to have their father in their life while growing up. And now I am at a position where my own rights are completely not respected.

And that is wrong. You agreed to the divorce on the conditions written into the 'agreement'. THOSE are your legal rights and responsibilities. Until you get an attorney and have them changed by a court of competent jurisdiction, then you're going to have to live with what you agreed to.

Now, piss and moan all you want. But I did not make you sign this 'agreement' and I didn't advise you to break it. And the children calling anyone 'mom' is not an issue. It just pisses you off and that's too damn bad.

 

[stealth2]

The problem remains, kay, that Dad has custody.

 

[kaycbt]

So if you put it nicely, your advice is to get a lawyer to change the agreement I signed.

Thanks. I really have no idea how you can go to extra lengths to add insult for someone asking legal advice in here.

But despite that I appreciate your time. BTW, it is law in IL that only the real mother be called Mom.

Thanks again.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

it is law in IL that only the real mother be called Mom.

That's bull****. Or are you ready to put down the exact citation where it can be found?

 

[dalilamakarma]

It is against the law for the girlfriend to "pose" as the mother when presnting the child to a healthcare provider or a teacher(or a police officer, the list goes on). So if that is what she is doing you do have a leg to stand on and could contact the police or the DA. And it is not OK for someone to treat you so in such a rude manor because you made a mistake in the past. But you are well advised to not make those mistakes again in the future. Don't trust anything from your ex whether it is verbally or in writing. Get it through the courts. Spend the money I know it is hard but it is worth it, most of the time.

 

[ili]

Rudeness is not acceptable

You can give good legal advice without being so rude. People who post here
are generally in pain. They need to know their options. They do not need to
hear they are stupid. If you get the right lawyer you will be told what you
can do legally. Where I live in Tennessee legal aid will not help in custody
matters. I don't know in other states whether they will. It costs nothing to
call and make an effort. You can probably search state laws to see if there are signs of hope in your case. I would not like my child, grandchild OR great-grandchild to live with any couple who isn't married. In spite of "times changing" it is still wrong and a bad example to set. You could find a judge who is old-fashioned enough to agree.