Please help with this mess...

[brisgirl825]

I think that the communication situation is more than just not having the phone nearby or didn't have the time to get to the messages. According to OP, he refuses to talk to her so he does have the phone, looks at the caller ID, and doesn't return calls. I think dad might be getting a little too much credit here. He absolutely did the wrong thing and made mom worry needlessly.
Until a CO says he can pick her up from school, OP should be doing that herself.
I also think that OP should give dad the chance to be responsible for the school work over the weekend. Although, he has demonstrated that he perhaps, isn't quite responsible, he still has the obligation to make sure the work is done.

Everytime my kids were sick, I would keep them or pick them up from the ex b/c he didn't want to deal with it. One time the kids went over and got sick over there. He called pissed and wanted me to come get them. I said, "no". I finally got tired of being the only one responsible for taking care of ill children. It was his turn and you know what...he didn't die doing it. Of course, I found out later that the kids had gotten spankins for throwing up on his couch.
Anyway, so message to the OP is that, although you feel that you are the only one that is going to make sure that the work gets done, doesn't matter. He has the responsibility to make her do the work too. Don't needlessly make yourself the only parent. Divorce doesn't mean that you do this all on your own now. Let him have the stress too.

 

[stealth2]

I think you're projecting, bris.

 

[brisgirl825]

I think you're projecting, bris.

Projecting what?

I merely stated that he didn't just have the phone inaccessible. From what the OP says, this is a pattern of behavior.

And I did put soime personal info to let her know that her ex also needs to be responsible for school work. His time need not only be fun and games. That's why it is called "parenting time".

If you feel that I have given too much personal info, then I am sorry. I only did that to let the OP know that I understand her point but she shouldn't let that get in the of her ex's ability to be a co-parent.

 

[stealth2]

No, I think you're projecting your situation onto hers. And if you answered the phone to your ex screaming hysterically at you - how likely would you be to answer it again? Also, Dad is likely under no obligation to make the kid call during the weekend. Would it be nice? Sure. But not obligatory.

Also, she didn't say that Dad refuses to be involved in the kid's school work. She doesn't really say that he routinely refuses to answer the phone. My ex doesn't answer the phone when I call, either. Unless it's the court-specified time. If he calls here at a different time, it depends on what we've got going on. I don't answer all the time, either. Frankly, there are days I don't feel like dealing with him. Big whoop.

 

[haiku]

I think that the communication situation is more than just not having the phone nearby or didn't have the time to get to the messages. According to OP, he refuses to talk to her so he does have the phone, looks at the caller ID, and doesn't return calls. ***You are projecting here. And it is right not to have to answer her phone calls. ***

I think dad might be getting a little too much credit here. He absolutely did the wrong thing and made mom worry needlessly. ***If you ask dad he may have been under the immpression everything is cool, and as Stealth originally said, thats how it would play out anyway. And rmember the kid was with DAD, not a stranger.***

Until a CO says he can pick her up from school, OP should be doing that herself. ***AS Belize Breeze pointed out, without a court order saying otherwise both parents have the right to pick up at school, and dad said that was what he wanted that week.***

I also think that OP should give dad the chance to be responsible for the school work over the weekend. Although, he has demonstrated that he perhaps, isn't quite responsible, he still has the obligation to make sure the work is done.

***He does not have to demonstrate to Mom he IS responsible, it is right to parent every two weeks to parent as he chooses. Its take home papers, from an 8 year old, trust me the world is not going to end every two weeks if mom is not in charge of them***

Everytime my kids were sick, I would keep them or pick them up from the ex b/c he didn't want to deal with it. One time the kids went over and got sick over there. He called pissed and wanted me to come get them. I said, "no". I finally got tired of being the only one responsible for taking care of ill children. It was his turn and you know what...he didn't die doing it. Of course, I found out later that the kids had gotten spankins for throwing up on his couch.

***Thats projecting, plain and simple. no matter how big of an ass your ex is, he is not the OP's ex. I can tell you as many stories from the opposite side as well, bu the minute we start playing the CP vs NCP game, the point is lost, because its about people, not what "side" you are on.***

Anyway, so message to the OP is that, although you feel that you are the only one that is going to make sure that the work gets done, doesn't matter. He has the responsibility to make her do the work too. Don't needlessly make yourself the only parent. Divorce doesn't mean that you do this all on your own now. Let him have the stress too.

no the message is RELAX, take a deep breath, regroup, and figure out what battles are really worth the fight.

 

[stealth2]

As for homework, even though it wasn't mentioned by OP. I found that, at that age, teachers were more than accomodating when there was a visitation situation and were always willing to allow an extra day or two to get weekend assignments in. And as the kids get older, the responsibility needs to be placed where it belongs - on the kid. By the time mine hit 5th grade - they needed to make sure it got done on time. Not me, and not their Dad.

 

[brisgirl825]

I think I said that I was sorry for "projecting". It was not my intention to do so. When OP said that she had a problem with her child going to dad's directly after school b/c she wanted to help with homework, I took that to mean that she was afraid dad wouldn't make sure it was done on his time. So I merely put in a personal story to let OP know I understood the need to make sure that things are done properly, however, that shouldn't be allowed to rule her life. There is another parent involved and they need to be made responsible for the daily lives of their children as well.
And I'm sorry but I will never believe that the two parents should not communicate in some fashion. It is, and will always be, necessary. Dad need not make the child call or actually answer the phone when she calls. There are other ways of communication. Instead of picking a way to relay info, he chose to totally leave mom out thereby making her believe her child had been abducted. One need only watch the news to know how scary the world is and what can happen to our kids.

 

[stealth2]

When OP said that she had a problem with her child going to dad's directly after school b/c she wanted to help with homework,

Where did she say anything about homework? She said paperwork and classwork (which I take to mean that which has been completed during the week), but nothing about homework.....

And again, Dad may not have felt he left Mom out of the loop. He was under the impression that his lawyer had told her lawyer who had told her. Which gets back to miscommunication, and not necessarily anything nefarious.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Which gets back to miscommunication, and not necessarily anything nefarious.

Awww Hell. He was probably wearing a black overcoat, has a handlebar moustache and tied the poor child to the tracks waiting for the 6 p.m. easebound while whistling a tune

What a dastardly do that is....HANG THE *******!!!!!

 

[concernedmom4ki]

LOL I do that with my home phone.

Another thought - talk to your daughter and let her know that, if she's ever picked up unexpectedly, to please give you a ring so you don't worry. My kids do this even if they hitch a ride from a friend's parent, when they'd come home before the bus ever turned into our neighborhood.

Woah - K - the way I see it, My ex and I don't agree on a lot of things, but this doesn't seem like a situation that the ex was being hateful or mean or vindictive, he was just picking his child up for the weekend and was obviously looking forward to it, as anyone would. Put yourself in his shoes, he has waited - what two weeks to see his child - and patiently, Im sure, so let the man enjoy his time with his daughter. Dang, look at how much you get to enjoy with her vs him - don't you think you are being a little selfish?

I understand your points about looking over her schoolwork and her behavior of Friday afternoons, but look at this way - if you let him pick her up on Friday afternoons, he can bring her back around 7or 8:00 Sunday evening and then you can be 'mom' and punish her for the week if you want for her previous week - but she should be allowed to enjoy what little bit of time she gets with her father without feeling that you are intruding or trying to 'ruin' it. I'm not saying that is what your intentions are, I'm just saying how she may feel - and if you jump all over her for an hr before she leaves to go to her father's, how is it that she is going to remember your departure from her? What if something to happen over the weekend to her and that would be what you had to leave with as your departing day/afternoon with her?

All I know is my kids like to feel like they can 'enjoy' their times with their parents - don't make this harder on her than it has to be - let her have her father too - you get her a lot more and should be understanding she needs her father too - maybe she wants her father to get the privilege to pick her up from school one day a week - you get the other 4 days!!

I don't get the impression he is "taking" off with her - he's right where he is supposed to be. So, chill out.

 

[concernedmom4ki]

LOL I do that with my home phone.

Another thought - talk to your daughter and let her know that, if she's ever picked up unexpectedly, to please give you a ring so you don't worry. My kids do this even if they hitch a ride from a friend's parent, when they'd come home before the bus ever turned into our neighborhood.

That's also why their is caller ID on cell even now - look at who's calling - if my mom is on the phone - or if my store is on the phone with a problem, and their father calls in - we call him right back and he knows that. He is over people as well so he understands... he knows I will call him back or have them call him back - we respect each other as their parents even if we don't agree on anything else - we've just realized that we are stuck with each other no matter how much easier it would be to just ignore each other and skip all of the effort it takes for all of this divorce/co-parenting crap.

Right now we are not agreement on A LOT of stuff - but we know that the kids love the other person and when it is switch day - he and I are calling each other DAILY to ensure we are on the same page as far as where, when and who's meeting who and with what, what's going on, what needs to be done, etc...
Their father lives an hr from me - but works over here. When he gets off work, I let him go ahead and get the kids even though it's not our original 'switch' time because that means he would have to wait around town for an hour after he gets off before he can start home.- I know he's tired from working and is anxious to get home to his home and family over there, so I am understanding on being lenient on his pickup time and let him get them early.

Also -
My kids BEG me not to answer the phone when their father calls - but I do because he needs to feel that I want him to have a relationship with them. I encourage my kids even if they don't want to talk, just tell him goodnight and that you love him - that's all he wants to hear...

 

[concernedmom4ki]

I think that the communication situation is more than just not having the phone nearby or didn't have the time to get to the messages. According to OP, he refuses to talk to her so he does have the phone, looks at the caller ID, and doesn't return calls. I think dad might be getting a little too much credit here. He absolutely did the wrong thing and made mom worry needlessly.

I agree that father made mom worry too much but she CAN bring this up with attorneys and courts and judge. She can take care of the 'next' time now and it may not happen again - but I think she needs to be a little more understanding and stop trying to hog the child. He is her father and should be respected for that.

Until a CO says he can pick her up from school, OP should be doing that herself.

Mother can tell father he can pick child up on one condition - that child calls her when she gets to father's car and they are leaving school so mother has closure that child is with father - then hang up - deal with rest of stuff later.

I also think that OP should give dad the chance to be responsible for the school work over the weekend. Although, he has demonstrated that he perhaps, isn't quite responsible, he still has the obligation to make sure the work is done.

Yep - and mother can either give him some slack and let him be responsible - he may enjoy helping her and it allow mom to get a break for a day. I never understood what my mother used to tell me - you need to get away from your children in order to come back and be a better mother - NOW I DO! I was a stay at home mother for 8 years and didn't understand it then but I do now....

Everytime my kids were sick, I would keep them or pick them up from the ex b/c he didn't want to deal with it. One time the kids went over and got sick over there. He called pissed and wanted me to come get them. I said, "no". I finally got tired of being the only one responsible for taking care of ill children. It was his turn and you know what...he didn't die doing it. Of course, I found out later that the kids had gotten spankins for throwing up on his couch.

What an A$$ - I have four kids and have NEVER laid a hand on them - and they make straight A's and make the best behavior in their class!
ANd even if I did agree with sp'gs, he gets the prize for being the biggest jerk when they were sick - where is his heart?

Let him have the stress too.

It's hard at first OP, but you WILL be thankful for the stress relief once you get used to relinquishing the power and control of everything - and maybe you won't get an ulcer from all of this! Plus, my ex is SO much better at doing projects than I am and his help with the kids on that is SO appreciated. I am better at math and grammar (maybe not in here but in term papers I make A's ) as well as handwriting, and he stinks on that - so even if he doesn't appreciate it, my kids do...

 

[gabrat303]

Thank you for the response....no, we don't have a CO on visitation yet, and our decree was incredibly vague. It says something like, "the defendant shall be allowed liberal and reasonable visitation with the minor child." Pretty close to that.

Bethlam, When my child was in Pre-K, my ex tried to sign him out of school early without me knowing. Now your situation could be any of what people have said and until you talk to your attorney on Monday you won't know. However, if you speak to your child's teacher and explain that there should be no transportation changes unless in writing from you, you could avoid future headaches. That way if he tries to pick her up without your knowledge, the school will contact you. Communication with her school is the key to this.

 

[kat1963]

The sad part is here we have an 8 year old little girl who probably thrilled that Daddy picked her up from school. She would probably love nothing more then to have her parents back together & her entire family intact but that isn’t going too happened. Both parents aren’t going to make it easy on her either. NO! Instead we have Mom going “Don’t you dare pick her up, it’s my kid damnit & I make the rules, I am MOMMY. I’ll have the big bad judge give your Daddy a what-four, that’s right I will!! He’s in big trouble (for seeing you?? Man, that’s sad)” Then you have Dad going “I’m your Daddy & your Mom isn’t going to tell me what to do damnit. Your Mommy doesn’t make the rules… (kid is thinking, I thought this was about ME not how the two of you idiots hate each other..Cause yeah, I already got that part!). Is either parent looking out for the best interest of the child here? I think not. But sadly this is what our society has become since we allow our children to become pawns in this game called divorce (& what else do you expect when having custody of children also carry rich cash rewards?). Frankly, if I were the judge I would smack you both & order parenting classes immediately. You can't change him, you can only change yourself.
KAT

 

[gabrat303]

People don't post legal questions to get bashed!!! They sincerely need help with a certain situation. They look to this post for legal advice not personal opinions. Sometimes that advice comes from people who have been in a similar situation, but to cast stones when we don't know either party personally???