Sports and Visitation

[caligirl73]

What is the name of your state? California

My ex husand moved to California last September 2003. I have been living back here in Ca. and have had custody of our daughter since we separated in July 2000. He was going through a divorce from his second wife when he moved back here, and was living about 30-40 min. away from me. We had discussed changing the visitation since he was living closer and the child was a little older. We went back to court in Oct.03 and agreed upon primary physical custody would remain with me and visitation every other weekend would be granted to him. We also discussed at that time that our daughter was to start playing soccer and she was in dance as well. He had no problems with her being in sports and dance, because at that time he was single. This past Feb. '04 he got remarried for the 3rd time, and now our daughter being in sports and dance classes is a huge problem. He moved to another town about 45 min. to an hour away from me. His arguement now is that our daughters sports involvement is too hard for him. She is in tball right now and sometimes she has Saturday games. The only Sat. game she had this season that fell on his weekend I never mentioned to him and just called her coach to tell her she wouldnt be there. I did that so I would not have an arguement with him. I give him her sport schedule in advance to let him know what weekends she may or may not have a game. He and I discussed her playing sports and it was never a problem when he was single. Now, he is making it a problem, saying I never discussed her continuing to play sports. My question is, could he have a valid arguement in court regarding her continuing to play sports or is it a moot point??
I take her to all her practices, games and such while she is with me. I never ask him for extra child support to pay for her involvement in these activities. I pay for equiptment, tuition and fees myself. All I am asking is that on his weekend, if he could bring her in town to play. She is 5, going to be 6 in Nov. I dont force her to do these activities, she asks to do them.

 

[shawna maples]

just an opinion - you're both only required to do what your court orders state. I'd keep her in the extracurricular activities if she so desires and I'd keep giving dad the schedules but I wouldn't cause any ruckus when he's a no-show with her for the activities scheduled on his time. She's still pretty young. As she gets older and can express her wants to him perhaps he will be more accomadating to her activities. Perhaps the two of you could come to an agreement that for x amount of months she'll participate in activities during each year. I have a feeling that your and your ex's situation is why judges don't like to give orders concerning extracurricular activities. document the no-shows and when she gets older it would probably be easier to have a provision concerning these activities added in your orders if necessary. I'm on the other end my NCP husband sought a provision so that he could be more involved in his sons extracurricular activities. we can now enroll him in one activity per year and pick him up to attend on all required days for that activity (sport).

 

[Happilydivorced]

Member

I had the same situation happen. We were both to pay for the activities for getting his portion out of him was like pulling teeth, actually I think pulling teeth would have been easier. Anyhow, I ended up paying for the activities and all I asked if that he take my children to their activities when it was his weekend. He refused. I ended up taking him to court and I had it added in the divorce decree that I would pay for the activities and provide the transportation but he was not to interfer or deny me even if it was during his visitation schedule. I'm not sure what your ex is like but I am not able to have a civil conversation with their father because anything I say he will use it against me or turn it around sooner or later. I chose to do it through the court so it is documented.

 

[caligirl73]

I will be keeping some sort of a "document" regarding if and when she is a no-show on the weekends she is with him and possibly has a game. It just bugs me because when he was single a few months back, bringing her into town for a game was no problem. Now, its a major deal. She plays soccer in the months of Sept., Oct. and part of November and games are only on Saturdays. For Tball season, which is May-June, games run during the week and sometimes on Saturdays. So, for the most part I am bringing her to games, practices and such. There isnt anything written in our court papers that state that I cannot involve her in sports, but knowing my ex, he would fight to somehow get it written in!! hehehe

 

[BelizeBreeze]

All I am asking is that on his weekend, if he could bring her in town to play.

Since this is your only legal issue it's all I will address.

You can ask that he bring her into town for her games all you want. But he is under no obligation to do so. It is his time. And even his not doing so is not grounds to change the visitation order.

Simply put, this is his time and his decision. Just as if he signed her up for something that you didnot want to travel to her town to allow her to compete in.

Don't waste the court's time on something like this.

 

[caligirl73]

Since this is your only legal issue it's all I will address.

You can ask that he bring her into town for her games all you want. But he is under no obligation to do so. It is his time. And even his not doing so is not grounds to change the visitation order.

Simply put, this is his time and his decision. Just as if he signed her up for something that you didnot want to travel to her town to allow her to compete in.

Don't waste the court's time on something like this.

I never said I wanted to change the paperwork, I said I would not be suprised if my ex tried to change it. We discussed her playing sports 5 or 6 months ago when he was single and it was not an issue at all. He was VERY supportive of her and had no problems with it. She is the one that wants to do these activities, I dont force her to do any of it. All I am asking of him is to continue to be supportive of her even though now he is married. Why should his martial status change how he feels about his daughter??
And for your info. I would travel the 45 min. to where he lives to see my daughter in something she was in. I am not selfish about her like that. I am very supportive of her. I am not re-married and I raise my son and my daughter on my own. When my boyfriend and I get married eventually, we would both travel to see her if she was involved in something just as we do with my boyfriends son.

 

[nextwife]

Agreed, Beli. First she's FIVE! Missing a game is really not a big deal. Mine is 6, and if we have something going, she will miss a game here and there. They don't even keep score at that age, or even let them strike out.

And if Dad signed daughter up for sports in his town and the games sometimes fell on YOUR weekend, would you drive there to pick her up? Or what if he signed her up for something you were less interested in and he wanted her to attend? Say, opera classes or Suzuki violin? And even if you would, that is YOUR priority. Sports is fine, but parent time is more important

 

[caligirl73]

I do believe I just said that I WOULD drive the 45 min. to his town to see something she was involved in. I am not selfish about that!!
Ok, so she is 5 going on 6, so what??? Its not like he and I discussed her only playing sports one time only and then never playing again since he does not live closer to me! Why should I keep her out of something she enjoys because of him?? That is what my argument is.
At this point I have decided that if he does not want to bring her back into town for her sports, dance, etc. fine. Then when she whines and cries about having to miss it, he can explain why she cannot come participate. I doubt it would sink in that he is possibly being selfish about her wants too, but he wont like hearing the whining and crying for too long. I am not going to say a word, let him bury himself.

 

[nextwife]

Have you considered discussing with him signing her up for these sports activities in HIS town and then you drive there on your alternating weekends? Perhaps he'd be ok with the schedule if all that driving time weren't added. Because he gets far less time to be with the child than you do.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Then when she whines and cries about having to miss it, he can explain why she cannot come participate. I doubt it would sink in that he is possibly being selfish about her wants too, but he wont like hearing the whining and crying for too long. I am not going to say a word, let him bury himself.

NOW we get the whole story. You let a six year-old control you and your ex doesn't. Well you go march into court with that little tale of woe and see how far it gets.

You just blew any chance you had of support from me with that crap.

 

[caligirl73]

Oh please. He chose to live where he lives, I never told him he had to move there. He would not sign her up for sports in his town either, because he would find an excuse not to have to bring her.
Thanks for all the loving support and advice. Geesh, thank goodness I wasnt married to you all!! heheheh, oh wait, it seems as though I was!!!

 

[nextwife]

Cali, plenty of very responsible and involved people grew up without playing sports every weekend. It's not the end of the world if one doesn't play given weekends. Look, my dad died young (my sis was 12) - I spent many weekends doing things with him that have influenced me my whole life. My brother was only interested in running off on the weekends and playing his dang golf, or softball. I benefitted from being with my dad. Brother missed out on many opportunities to share with him. And, in the big picture, time with dad meant more than brother missing some golf games. Sorry, I can't agree that a kid's t-ball game is MORE important or that a parent who does not run around taking their kids to play sports doesn't care about them.

 

[caligirl73]

NOW we get the whole story. You let a six year-old control you and your ex doesn't. Well you go march into court with that little tale of woe and see how far it gets.

You just blew any chance you had of support from me with that crap.

Ok, I dont know where I said I would march into court and do anything! Where are you getting that from?? I just asked for advice. And, I dont let a 6 year old control anything, kids will whine and cry about something they want to do if you dont let them do it. Maybe you have a perfect child who never whines, cries or pouts. I would love to see a kid who didnt pout or whine about not being able to do something.
The point I was trying to get advice on has been blown out of proportion obviously. I am going to have 13 more years of disagreements with my ex, until my daughter turns 18.
And for Next Wife, I grew up playing sports with NO support from my father even though he and my mother were married. He NEVER came to anything I did nor did he go to anything my brother did. My folks got divorced when I was 16 and he could have given a crap less what my brother and I did from then on. I have every reason to not want this to happen to my daughter, whether its sports, school, and just life in general. I was pretty much raised with my mom or grandparents taking me where I had to go and supporting my brother and I in our numerous activities and schoolwork. My dad was NEVER there! Sorry if you guys cannot understand why I would want the same support for my daughter from myself and my ex. We are her parents.
This is why I am so upset that my ex cannot support our daughter. I have not spoken to him about this yet, however, dont want it to end up in a screaming match.

 

[stealth2]

The long and the short of it is that he is under no obligation to take her to anything that is not court ordered on his visitation time.

At the level she's at, she is certainly not the only child who will miss a game here and there (or even every other weekend) due to visitation. Coaches are very understanding of that. Whining and crying about missing games is easily avoided by explaining to the child that the days she's with Daddy, she'll miss her games. Make it simple and matter-of-fact, and it should be fine. Neither of mine ever carried on about that sort of thing. It's all in how you present it to them.

 

[shawna maples]

again just an opinion.. your concerns are justified but as a CP (I too am a CP) it's on us to pay for the activities our children want to participate in and to realize that the child will not be able to be there on all required days even if dad wanted to take her/him to attend. I have a 13 yr. old, a 10 yr. old and a 9 yr. step-son. They're all in sports and it is impossible to have each kid at every required date and time. My oldest is now missing his championship baseball tournament because he had to fly across the u.s. for his visit with his father - that's the life of child of 2 separated parents. With your ex being newly married it's obviously an adjustment period for everyone involved. My ex got married 2 days ago. I know both sides of the coin. Keep her in the activities and keep giving him the schedules but don't get upset for the no-shows because they're gonna occur or find some way without it causing a stink to make him feel like yall together are coming up with a plan that suits you both. much luck.