step-parenting

[martina6]

What is the name of your state? MN

My husband recieved a letter from his ex yesterday informing him that the ex will take me to court if I contact my step-children's schools and/or teachers. She claims this is none of my business and that they are her children. My husband and I are NCP but have tried to stay up with what is going on with the children so that we can be consistant and helpful with school and other things they are invovled in when they are with us for visitation. So here is my question, as a step-parent, do I have any rights?

I also have another question. In this same letter she is attempting to change the visitation driving and drop-off times. The change she wants will shorten my husband's time with the kids and means meeting her in a parking lot half way between our homes. In the past, the recieving parent picked the kids up (which seems much easier for the kids!).

Please help!! This ex is extremly difficult to work with and more often than not will hang up on my husband when he tries to talk to her on the phone.

Thanks!

 

[lisagr33]

martina6-what does the court order say in regards to the school information and visitation schedule? Also, if there is a standard order for visitation and she is trying to change the visitation without going through court I believe she can be found in contempt. Check your state's local law regarding that.

 

[martina6]

There isn't anything in the court order about the school situation. As for visitation, it's fairly vague. It is every other weekend, and specific holidays, and then as "parties agree." I think the reason she wants the change is because she just hates having to come to our home. So she would rather wait in a parking lot to do the switch after she gets off work -- and my husband then looses two hours with his kids (they live some distance away and he is able to pick them up right when school is out rather than waiting for their mother to complete the comute back and forth). I think we should probably go to mediation -- but before we get there, I was wondering if, legally, I had any rights as a parent. I'm just new to all of this and want what is best for the kids (i.e. invovled and loving parents, on all sides).

Thoughts?

 

[stealth2]

My husband recieved a letter from his ex yesterday informing him that the ex will take me to court if I contact my step-children's schools and/or teachers. She claims this is none of my business and that they are her children. My husband and I are NCP but have tried to stay up with what is going on with the children so that we can be consistant and helpful with school and other things they are invovled in when they are with us for visitation. So here is my question, as a step-parent, do I have any rights?

As a stepparent, you have no legal rights. You and your husband are NOT the NCP - only he is. You are (most likely) not a party to the order, and as such, you are a legal stranger.

Regarding contacting the schools.... it depends. Some schools don't care much, some will balk at dealing with a stepparent - especially if one of the bioparents has an objection. They REALLY don't want to get in the middle of it. Whether or not a judge would order you to cut it out is a toss-up. If your involvement is causing a problem between Mom & Dad - it's entirely possible that you'll be told to cut it out. Or, the judge may tell Mom to get over it. Noone can tell you which way it would go.

Meetinf half-way twice rather than doing the whole drive once takes no time away from Dad. It just reallocates it. He still has the same amount of time. Changing the p/u times obviously could take time away from him. The reasons for the change would determine how a judge would rule. Maybe.

 

[stealth2]

Oh.... and you will likely NOT be a party to any mediation that Mom & Dad go to.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

as a step-parent, do I have any rights?

No.

Now, is that plain enough?

 

[martina6]

I don't intend to be a party to the mediation... but the idea that I am a stranger and not supposed to be involved with my husbands children is amazing to me. I do not "pester" the school, or the teachers. I (along with my husband) like to recieve the classroom newsletters and up coming assingments to make sure the kids are completing assignments while with us and to know what they are learning and working on. It's not like it's something I should be "cutting out" so to speak. I suppose I feel that my husband and I have a family and the fact that their bio-mother doesn't like me and wants to ignore the fact that I even exsit is really hard to deal with. She comes into our home, I say hello to her and say "How are you?" or some other socially acceptable phrase and the woman won't look at me, doesn't speak to me, etc. While I understand that she is under no obligation to acknowledge me or even to be polite, I can see how hard this is for the kids and it makes them very uncomfortable and torn.

Sounds like this something I should just get used to, according to your response.

 

[martina6]

No.

Now, is that plain enough?

Yeah... I get it. Thanks for the input and advice.

 

[stealth2]

I don't intend to be a party to the mediation... but the idea that I am a stranger and not supposed to be involved with my husbands children is amazing to me.

But from a legal standpoint, that is what you are - a stranger.

I do not "pester" the school, or the teachers. I (along with my husband) like to recieve the classroom newsletters and up coming assingments to make sure the kids are completing assignments while with us and to know what they are learning and working on. It's not like it's something I should be "cutting out" so to speak.

Well, sure. I like getting that info as well. But it's not something I need to contact the school about. Nor does their father, beyond making sure the school has the correct addresses. Dad could easily write a short letter addressing the situation and making it clear that he would like copies of all the pertinent info that is sent home. My kids' school knows to send a copy of report cards and announcements to their Dad as well as to me. Neither of us need to continually call the school. The only time that's really necessary is when there's an academic or disciplinary problem. And then it should be I and/or my ex who is speaking with the school.

From the other side of the coin, I'll also be plainly honest. Except in rare circumstances, I ferry my kids around and do all the parenting stuff. When I can't, my parents can and do step in for me. That does not confer upon them equal status to myself or their Dad - it would never occur to my Mom to call the school to ask for anything but the most general information such as when sports physicals are, etc. Basically, information that would be available to any member of the general public. Nor would it occur to her to call their doctor to request information about their medical history, files, etc. It would have to be a real emergency for that to happen.

In the same vein, I don't feel it's my ex's wife's place to do any of the above. He has a job that affords him ample opportunity to make those inquries - he just can't be bothered. So, just as when we were married, he's delegated. Well, ya know - she's not their parent, and that's not my problem. Should he decide to share things with her - that's his choice. I don't feel that it is up to the school to determine who, besides their father or I, they should disseminate information regarding our kids to. Now, I don't make a huge fuss about it, but I don't appreciate it, either.

Of course, my ex and his wife are both pretty nutty, so that colors my perception.

I suppose I feel that my husband and I have a family and the fact that their bio-mother doesn't like me and wants to ignore the fact that I even exsit is really hard to deal with. She comes into our home, I say hello to her and say "How are you?" or some other socially acceptable phrase and the woman won't look at me, doesn't speak to me, etc. While I understand that she is under no obligation to acknowledge me or even to be polite, I can see how hard this is for the kids and it makes them very uncomfortable and torn.

Sounds like this something I should just get used to, according to your response.

Pretty much.

 

[haiku]

I don't intend to be a party to the mediation...

***Good, the idea as a step parent is to never let the court know you exist, if mom is a s volitile as you say, it may be best to stay home, if you do go as moral support, bring a book to read and hang in the background. (thats what I always do.)

but the idea that I am a stranger and not supposed to be involved with my husbands children is amazing to me.

****legally, yes you are. And as stated it is best to just be civil with mom, but thats all. Don't get in the mddle of her and dads conversations. When its all over you and dad can talk about things when you are alone, but you can avoid a lot of animosity by never being in the middle of kid business.

I do not "pester" the school, or the teachers. I (along with my husband) like to recieve the classroom newsletters and up coming assingments to make sure the kids are completing assignments while with us and to know what they are learning and working on. It's not like it's something I should be "cutting out" so to speak.

****Very simple as Stealth already stated, Have dad drop by school or mail a copy of the custody papers, and enclose self addressed stamped envelopes, so that the school can mail copies of important paperwork home. that way Dad stays in the loop, without mom being involved.***

I suppose I feel that my husband and I have a family and the fact that their bio-mother doesn't like me and wants to ignore the fact that I even exsit is really hard to deal with. She comes into our home, I say hello to her and say "How are you?" or some other socially acceptable phrase and the woman won't look at me, doesn't speak to me, etc. While I understand that she is under no obligation to acknowledge me or even to be polite, I can see how hard this is for the kids and it makes them very uncomfortable and torn.

***You do have a family, but the ex is not part of it. As long as you always are the polite smiling one, the kids will know and appreciate you never getting in the middle of thier parents.*****

Sounds like this something I should just get used to, according to your response.

**** It takes time, things may never get "better", but you wil learn how to deal.****

Also, if things are that volatile, and she was walking into MY home, without acknowledging me, "I" would be happy to have my husband agree to a nuetral halfway point. You may find you are both more comfortable if you are not in each others "territory". My husbands ex has never set foot in my house, and I have never in hers. Its a boundary we don't cross and likely never will.

 

[stealth2]

Also, if things are that volatile, and she was walking into MY home, without acknowledging me, "I" would be happy to have my husband agree to a nuetral halfway point. You may find you are both more comfortable if you are not in each others "territory". My husbands ex has never set foot in my house, and I have never in hers. Its a boundary we don't cross and likely never will.

Yep, I have to agree with this. I don't go into my ex's home, and he doesn't come into mine. Period. But, you know..... my ex......

 

[ericablue]

It's Hard On Both Ends. I Am The Opposite. I Really Don't Mind The New Girlfriend/wife Being Involved. Or I Should Say I Didn't Until The Kids Began To Complain About How She Would Scream At Them And Boss Them Around. She Interferes With All We Do As Parents. But It's Plain And Simple. There Is A Mom And Dad Only. Nobody Else Has Any Business Dealing With The Children And Their Issues. It's Hard I Know. I Have To Put My Foot Down With My Boyfriend As Well, Which Is Hard But As Someone Mentioned Earlier It Will Take Time To Get Used To It But It Will Get Better.

We also do not see each other. He is to pick up the kids at school and drop them off at school. It makes things better, although we still have are days when she decides to put her two cents in.

 

[titansfan]

stepmom should back off

you will just have to accept this fact-they are your husband and his ex's children, you are a stepparent, a legal stranger with NO legal rights to these children whatsoever.anything concerning the children (visitation, dr appts, etc)are none of YOUR business.they are strictly between your husband and his ex, the mother and father, you have NO say in it, period.i know you really love these kids, but be careful about your involment, or bio mom could get a court order forbidding you from participating in the kids activites, which is her right.

 

[haiku]

you will just have to accept this fact-they are your husband and his ex's children, you are a stepparent, a legal stranger with NO legal rights to these children whatsoever.anything concerning the children (visitation, dr appts, etc)are none of YOUR business.they are strictly between your husband and his ex, the mother and father, you have NO say in it, period.i know you really love these kids, but be careful about your involment, or bio mom could get a court order forbidding you from participating in the kids activites, which is her right.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.......The prior posts already outlines the fact as a step parent she has no legal standing in court.

If DAD chooses to involve stepmom in his parenting decisions that go on in his own home, go together as a family to school and sporting events, mom has no say in that. What goes on in dad and stepmoms home is thier business. And what goes on in moms home is moms business.

As long as stepmom limits her involvement with mom to 'hi" and "goodbye" and doesn't get in the middle of any direct involvment with dad and mom, as was reccommended to her in prior posts,there is nothing mom can do about it.

 

[titansfan]

stepmom has no right to make parenting decisions for stepkids

dad should not involve stepmom in ANY decisions involving the kids-she is NOT their parent.i dont get involved in any decisions regarding my stepson ray- cuz frankly its not my place, its between his mom and dad( and hopeefully not his grandmother, who i absolutely cant stand, but thats a whole other story)