supervised visitation??? HELP!

[mattyndavidsmom]

What is the name of your state? Utah

I have sole custody of my son who is 5. I live in Utah and his dad lives in Alaska. My son has always lived with me and was born in Utah where I have sole custody. My son's dad has NEVER exercised visitation and now wants to. My problem is this, he is an alcoholic, has tried to commit suicide THREE times and I just don't feel comfortable sending my son on a plane to see him. Anyone know what the basis is for supervised visitation? I have everything documented as to his stay in a psychiatric institution, DWI, and his continued alcohol use.

The second thing is that we don't really have set visitation..it just states that we "will agree" on visitation. I don't know what to do. My son loves his dad and I won't take that away from him but I don't want to put him in any danger. When his dad drinks he is mean and hurtful and violent.

Any help is appreciated. Thanks

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? Utah

I have sole custody of my son who is 5. I live in Utah and his dad lives in Alaska. My son has always lived with me and was born in Utah where I have sole custody. My son's dad has NEVER exercised visitation and now wants to. My problem is this, he is an alcoholic, has tried to commit suicide THREE times and I just don't feel comfortable sending my son on a plane to see him. Anyone know what the basis is for supervised visitation? I have everything documented as to his stay in a psychiatric institution, DWI, and his continued alcohol use.

The second thing is that we don't really have set visitation..it just states that we "will agree" on visitation. I don't know what to do. My son loves his dad and I won't take that away from him but I don't want to put him in any danger. When his dad drinks he is mean and hurtful and violent.


Any help is appreciated. Thanks

Well...if you have sole custody and the visitation orders are "as agreed" then you are perfectly free to insist that dad come to Utah to visit the child until a judge says otherwise. You absolutely don't have to put your 5 year old on a plane to go visit dad.

You cannot get in any trouble for insisting that dad visit in Utah....or even under your supervision...contrary to what you might hear otherwise on this board.

However...you really shouldn't believe me...or necessarily anyone else. What you should do is go and get yourself consults with a couple of local attorneys.
That will ease your mind.

 

[mattyndavidsmom]

supervised visitation and phone calls

I talked to an attorney and yes, he said the same thing. Just tell the dad to come see his son in Utah. My only problem with following through is that he has threatened to kill me before, he can be very violent and I am afraid of what he will do if I just don't give him what he wants which wouldn't be good for my son. How can I protect us?

Also he wants to set up specific days where my 5 year old is required to call him? I told him he can call anytime he wants? Should my son be required to call his dad on certain days??? Shouldn't it be the other way around where is dad calls him and I make sure my son is available?

 

[LdiJ]

I talked to an attorney and yes, he said the same thing. Just tell the dad to come see his son in Utah. My only problem with following through is that he has threatened to kill me before, he can be very violent and I am afraid of what he will do if I just don't give him what he wants which wouldn't be good for my son. How can I protect us?

Also he wants to set up specific days where my 5 year old is required to call him? I told him he can call anytime he wants? Should my son be required to call his dad on certain days??? Shouldn't it be the other way around where is dad calls him and I make sure my son is available?

Look, your ex is in Alaska...you are in Utah. If he is making overt threats then file for a restraining order....but realistically what kind of threat is dad when he is in Alaska?

No..your son shouldn't and wouldn't be required to call his dad on certain days. If a judge would make any orders requiring telephone contact the judge would require dad to call the child, not the other way around.

You got the same advice from both me and a local attorney. Stop listening to dad. Let him talk to the child if he calls, (assuming that the conversations are appropriate) but otherwise, ignore him.

 

[stealth2]

No..your son shouldn't and wouldn't be required to call his dad on certain days. If a judge would make any orders requiring telephone contact the judge would require dad to call the child, not the other way around.

Not necessarily so. I have an order that the kids are to call their father within a specific window of time weekly. Yes, on my dime.

 

[mattyndavidsmom]

phone calls

Well, I don't have a problem with my son calling his dad and his dad can call him anytime. The thing is if my son's dad calls, he will talk to him but I can't always get my son to call his dad. He's 5 and sometimes he just flat out refuses and then his dad takes it out on me. Says I am not providing consistancy for him and his son .... that I NEED to make sure that my son call him. That I am his mom and I should just direct him to call...basically order him to call. Well to me that will end up a sore issue for my son. Instead of calling to talk to his dad, he'll feel obligated. He loves his dad and at his age, he just does better when his dad calls him.

 

[mattyndavidsmom]

witholding visitation ok?

Ok, I am paranoid. My attorney says that I can do two things regarding custody of my 5 year old which I have sole custody of. My ex lives in Alaska and up till now has not requested any visitation with his son. Now he wants visitation. I don't feel comfortable giving him visitation. He is an alcoholic, abusive verbally and physically, and had tried to commit suicide 3 times 2 years ago and was in a psychiatric hospictal and treatment facility after that. I know how he was around my other children from a previous marraige and I do not want to subject my son to his alcoholic & irrational behavior. I can either simply not responsd to his request for visitation and let him take me to court and show cause or I can spend the money myself and have visitation changed. What I want is supervised visitation but I don't have the money to open it up and start the process. I want to do what is best for my son and don't want to somehow forfeit custody of my son. Anyone know what I should do to keep my son safe and with me? The attorney says if I do nothing and I am taken to court, I just have to show the court why I did this and of course it's just a matter of the court getting my ex's medical records.

 

[stealth2]

I don't really think you have to make it an order - just a habit. Once a week, it's "okay, Junior - time to call Daddy! I'm sure he'll want to hear all about (give him a few topics to mention)" and then dial the number.

My kids know that Sunday is phone call night, and all it takes is a reminder now and again. Only once have I let them get away with not calling, and that was due to some rather angry feelings they were having. In retrospect, it was a bad judgement call - and not just because the ex squawked about it.

 

[mattyndavidsmom]

one more thing...

I just don't want to do anything to jeapordize my sole custody. My ex has a long abusive history and has threatened to kill me and has held a gun to me and my son. I guess I am just worried what he might do. He still sends me threatening emails and is very manipulative. So anything I do, he will twist around to his benefit or just threaten me till I give in I am tired of him running and ruining my life. I just want to keep my son safe and happy and I am very much afraid of doing the wrong thing.

It's just like the phone calls...this past year I lost my mother in a plane crash, my cousin, and my son who had an ayeurism and my ex thinks I deserve all this and that it doesn't matter what tragedies I've had in my life, it's time for ME to start providing consistancy for my son and his dad. I am the one that is supposed to make the calls, which I'll do whatever to just simply keep him in alaska and me and my son safe.

 

[LdiJ]

I don't really think you have to make it an order - just a habit. Once a week, it's "okay, Junior - time to call Daddy! I'm sure he'll want to hear all about (give him a few topics to mention)" and then dial the number.

My kids know that Sunday is phone call night, and all it takes is a reminder now and again. Only once have I let them get away with not calling, and that was due to some rather angry feelings they were having. In retrospect, it was a bad judgement call - and not just because the ex squawked about it.

I realize that its in your order that your kids have to call dad.

However, its not in this mom's order that her son has to call dad, and it really is far more normal for the parent to make the call rather than the child. Plus, since Utah has jurisdiction its apparently dad that up and moved to Alaska, so dad ought to be paying for the long distance calls.

 

[CarrieT]

Well, I don't have a problem with my son calling his dad and his dad can call him anytime. The thing is if my son's dad calls, he will talk to him but I can't always get my son to call his dad. He's 5 and sometimes he just flat out refuses and then his dad takes it out on me. Says I am not providing consistancy for him and his son .... that I NEED to make sure that my son call him. That I am his mom and I should just direct him to call...basically order him to call. Well to me that will end up a sore issue for my son. Instead of calling to talk to his dad, he'll feel obligated. He loves his dad and at his age, he just does better when his dad calls him.

"you can lead a horse to water...."

What if you were to say to your son 'Lets call Dad!" (in a positive and happy voice) and then pick up the phone and call your ex. And say "here son, come say 'hi' to Dad" and if your son refuses, your ex will hear that. He will also hear you encouraging your son in a positive manner, TO talk to him. And, of course document, document, document each call you make, and each time your son refuses and what your ex says/does. That way if it goes to court you have documentation that you tried and what transpired.

My thought is that at 5 its not going to be a 'sore issue' with your son. Children take on the attitude that the adults in their lives do, many times. If you are positive and upbeat about him talking to Dad, then he will feel positive about calling Dad (my opinion based on my own experiences). It might be worth a try. I just think that it is better to help the ex feel satisfied that youre trying to facilitate the relationship between him and his son, than to stir up feelings of being 'left out' or ignored.

When it comes to emotional stuff, things can get out of hand very quickly and over little petty issues.

Just a thought, for what its worth.

Carrie

 

[LdiJ]

I just don't want to do anything to jeapordize my sole custody. My ex has a long abusive history and has threatened to kill me and has held a gun to me and my son. I guess I am just worried what he might do. He still sends me threatening emails and is very manipulative. So anything I do, he will twist around to his benefit or just threaten me till I give in I am tired of him running and ruining my life. I just want to keep my son safe and happy and I am very much afraid of doing the wrong thing.

It's just like the phone calls...this past year I lost my mother in a plane crash, my cousin, and my son who had an ayeurism and my ex thinks I deserve all this and that it doesn't matter what tragedies I've had in my life, it's time for ME to start providing consistancy for my son and his dad. I am the one that is supposed to make the calls, which I'll do whatever to just simply keep him in alaska and me and my son safe.

Abusers are also bullies. He can't touch you physically anymore so he does it via phone and email. Stand up to him! Let him come to Utah to visit the child....and let him make the phone calls.

 

[mattyndavidsmom]

upbeat calls

I do try the upbeat approach.. I try anything cause I know that in the end, I am the one my ex blames. I don't mind making the calls, the long distance doesn't bother me...it's just that my ex just expects it. My feelings are, if he wants to talk to his son, then call. .... Just call. Sometimes my son just wants to call his dad and I don't stop him...I hand him the phone. I do have a REAL big issue with visitation though. I really want supervised visitation because of his dad. No, ex never lived in Utah...I left Alaska to get away from the abuse while I was still pregnant with my son. I took a transfer. It was the only way I knew how to get out of an abusive relationship.

 

[stealth2]

I realize that its in your order that your kids have to call dad.

However, its not in this mom's order that her son has to call dad, and it really is far more normal for the parent to make the call rather than the child. Plus, since Utah has jurisdiction its apparently dad that up and moved to Alaska, so dad ought to be paying for the long distance calls.

However, what I was addressing was your categorical statement that a judge would not order her to place the call. You don't know what the judge will order, and it's irresponsible to let OP think that it's an impossibility.

 

[stealth2]

Frankly, OP, I think you'd fair better by filing yourself for supervised visitation.