teenager and visitation

[luckymom]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? IL

I am the CP of a 15 year old girl who is sophmore in high school. We live in IL and her dad is in Texas. She has been flying down to visit once a month plus school holidays for 7 years and everything has gone fairly well. Recently, however, things have changed in her dad's family. Her stepsister has left home, and dad and stepmom's business has had difficulties. For the last 6 months or so, the routine for visitation is that she flies down and basically is home alone for much of the weekend. In some cases, they leave before she is out of bed and are not home until 9 or 10 in the evening. My daughter is not allowed to leave the house and in any case doesn't have any friends there.

The result of this is that she is more and more depressed and anxious about going to see her dad. Of course, we both understand that she is obligated to go and I am obligated to send her. Is there any chance of a modification in this kind of situation? She's told her father that she is lonely and bored and would like to come when he is free to spend some time with her, but he is not willing to make changes to the schedule.

 

[mistoffolees]

Do you have any other indication that Dad is never there? Sometimes teens exaggerate - just a bit.

 

[luckymom]

She as called me late in the evening 9 or so to chat and tells me that she's been alone all day and is waiting for them to come home. I mentioned to him that she is unhappy and he has acknowledged that they are busy and therefore often out on weekends but in his words "we always eat dinner together."

 

[Proserpina]

She as called me late in the evening 9 or so to chat and tells me that she's been alone all day and is waiting for them to come home. I mentioned to him that she is unhappy and he has acknowledged that they are busy and therefore often out on weekends but in his words "we always eat dinner together."

What time does she get up?

Knowing how teens can be - and given that these are weekends - I'd suspect more than a little exaggeration.



If she is TRULY being unsupervised for say, 18 hours per day during ALL of Dad's visitation time...then you might have something.

But I doubt that's the case.

 

[Proserpina]

And while I feel the whole boredom thing...it's only one weekend a month.

Exactly how anxious is she getting? She can't occupy herself?

 

[Monte86]

Does she have cable? Access to the web? A game system? A cell phone for texting? (if not is there any way she could get some of those things? either you or dad buy them for her?)
I know teenagers that could fill their whole WEEK with that stuff and would love some uninterupted time to do nothing but that. lol

 

[luckymom]

She may be exaggerating some, but not a lot, I think. She is in a very rigorous high school (taking 4 AP courses this year), runs track, and is on the science team, so she is actually quite busy, definitely not a slacker! For reasons, I don't completely understand, they don't want her to bring homework with her. She'd like to be able to go running but they haven't given her a house key.

I admit that I don't completely understand the situation, but she used to look forward to going and now every month is a struggle. Tears before she goes, tears when she gets back.

 

[mistoffolees]

She may be exaggerating some, but not a lot, I think. She is in a very rigorous high school (taking 4 AP courses this year), runs track, and is on the science team, so she is actually quite busy, definitely not a slacker! For reasons, I don't completely understand, they don't want her to bring homework with her. She'd like to be able to go running but they haven't given her a house key.

I admit that I don't completely understand the situation, but she used to look forward to going and now every month is a struggle. Tears before she goes, tears when she gets back.

So only poor students can exaggerate???

Bottom line is that it's not that often and she really needs to be able to entertain herself. Tears before going and tears after getting back just because she is bored is a little dramatic.

 

[luckymom]

To Monte86--no cable and she's not allowed to be on the computer when they are not there. She's never been one for video games. I usually send her with a couple of books. I think to a degree her feelings have been hurt. They are working sometimes, but in other cases, they make arrangements to go out with friends. Nothing wrong with that, but my daughter feels that she has spent 2.5 hours on plane and given up time with her friends to see them.

 

[luckymom]

So only poor students can exaggerate???

Bottom line is that it's not that often and she really needs to be able to entertain herself. Tears before going and tears after getting back just because she is bored is a little dramatic.

Umm, just saying that not all teenagers are sleeping until 12, partying until 2 am, and texting endlessly in between! I don't want to turn this into a rant against her dad, but frankly some of his rules are odd. Last fall, she had a stress fracture and had to wear a corrective "boot." He's quite OCD and made her take off the boot when she came in, clean it with a spray cleaner and paper towels, and then put it on. The thing had multiple buckles and straps--and it did make her feel bad, as if the possibility of getting his floors dirty was his main concern.

Anyway, my legal question is, is it possible in this kind of situation to modify the visitation schedule?

 

[stealth2]

Seriously - what are they going to do if she has a few schoolbooks and homework in their bag? Throw them out? She doesn't have a house key? So she goes out the door for a run and doesn't lock the door. And a weekend at Dad's on her own means a w/e when she can focus on her studies.

My now 16yo figured that out a good 4-5 years ago.

 

[luckymom]

Seriously - what are they going to do if she has a few schoolbooks and homework in their bag? Throw them out? She doesn't have a house key? So she goes out the door for a run and doesn't lock the door. And a weekend at Dad's on her own means a w/e when she can focus on her studies.

My now 16yo figured that out a good 4-5 years ago.

Wow, clearly a rocket scientist! LOL

 

[stealth2]

Wow, clearly a rocket scientist! LOL

It is NOT rocket science. Sadly, you don't seem to get that.

 

[mybrood]

I totally understand where OP is coming from. When my kiddos went to my ex's, my daughter wasn't allowed to read at his house. He would say "his house, his rules."

 

[LdiJ]

She may be exaggerating some, but not a lot, I think. She is in a very rigorous high school (taking 4 AP courses this year), runs track, and is on the science team, so she is actually quite busy, definitely not a slacker! For reasons, I don't completely understand, they don't want her to bring homework with her. She'd like to be able to go running but they haven't given her a house key.

I admit that I don't completely understand the situation, but she used to look forward to going and now every month is a struggle. Tears before she goes, tears when she gets back.

I suspect that her feeling are getting hurt because they don't make any effort to spend quality time with her...and don't give her the option to do what she needs/wants to do to occupy herself.

Its an unfortunate situation. All you can really do is help her find ways to occupy her time when she is with them.