Trying to work with him, he keeps wanting more???

[angeleyzad]

What is the name of your state? Maine

Okay, I'm not sure what I should do here. (looking for input from uninvolved parties)

My ex and I are ordered to split the summer vacation, 50/50. This year summer vacation is 10 weeks, so he gets 5 weeks. Our order states no more than 2 weeks at a time, and if we can't come up with an agreed upon schedule, the default is I have the boys the weekend after school gets out, and they have to be returned to me by the Sunday prior to the week before school commences. It does not state how we split the summer (how the blocks of time fall). I've been trying to work with him (even after all the BS he's pulled with me in the past), but it seems that he just wants to take everything, and not give in return. He had sent me a suggestion for our summer break, which wouldn't work for me, as we have a few family functions that the kids always go to (a yearly camping trip, and a family reunion). I told him the dates, and said that I'm flexible on dates so that the boys can go. He sent me another option, which coincided with another date that I found out, an event that I'd like to do with one son (a cub scout, son-mom event). I asked if we could do this, and offered him more time (a few extra days over the course of the summer) to make up for the fact that one of the 2 week blocks would be split up. He has contradicted himself over and over again about why it won't work, first saying that it's because of his work schedule (which I offered to work around), then it was because of having to make an extra trip to get the boys, then he said that the only way it would work is if I gave him over an extra week time (so that he has 6+ weeks over the summer, and I have 4- weeks). With my suggestion, he has 5+ weeks, I have 5- weeks, and we have the same number of weekends (which was one of his contradictions...that he was going to loose a weekend with my suggestion, which he didn't loose a weekend at all).

He goes on to say that if I don't agree to his demands, then we'll have to go with a default schedule, which the boys will miss out on events with both of us. This is kind of where the problem lies. Our court order does not give an actual default schedule, as the amount of time he actually gets could vary every year depending on when school gets out and starts (snow days and the like) He is stating that the order gives a default schedule of 2 weeks-2weeks-1 week, showing the boys with him 2 weeks, then home with me 2 weeks, with him 2 weeks, and so on. I'm suggesting a default schedule of 1 week - 2 weeks - 2 weeks. Both could be default schedules. On my side, with his interpretation, the boys miss out on our family camping trip, with my interpretation of the default schedule, only 1 child misses out, on the mom-son event. On his side, the boys miss out on a fishing derby either way it's done.

I'm at a loss, I've tried and tried to work with this man, I even went as far as writing to him last week and saying, let's get along, what do we need to do, for the kids' sake. He blamed our relationship on me, that I don't give him enough, and that we need to give and take. I told him that I have the same sorts of feelings...and that I do give, but all he wants is to take, and that is why I go by our order and stopped giving. I am trying to give (I've offered him extra time, yet he wants to take even more), and to put everything behind us, but again, it seems that all he wants is to take. I just don't know where to go with this. It makes me feel like we'll never be able to work together.

The last time we were in court, the judge told us to work together. I feel that I've shown that I am trying to work with him, but he's refusing to work with me...I'm trying the give and take, but he doesn't want to give, only take. A judge won't be happy at either of us, but where I've shown that I'm trying, would that help my side?

Any suggestions? I'm trying to work things out so that the boys can do all activities with both sides, but he's refusing to unless I give him over an extra week. The extra time he's trying to get is at the end of August, which I already have plans for us and the kids (it's the weekend before school starts), so it's not like I can say yes, take the extra time. Besides, I already offered him some extra time.

 

[Zigner]

From what I can see from your post...you have things you want to do and dad has things he wants to do. You are both making offers that just don't work for the other person. I don't see it as "he keeps wanting more", rather, he is trying to work with you as much as you are trying to work with him.
If you can't work this out, you might want to try hiring a private mediator that you would both agree would be binding. This would avoid an all-out court battle.
However, you may need to go back to court to have a more definite plan set up. Then, next year, work with the organizers of the camping trip and family reunion so that the times fall within your time with your kids...

 

[fairisfair]

I have to agree with Zig, no I want to agree with Zig.

Sounds like dad is making every bit as much of an effort to work with you. I would suggest that you choose those events that are most important, and that doesn't necessarily mean all three, and work the schedule around it in the two week increments, or you may well find that the court could care alot less than dad about your reunion, camping or boy scout trip.

 

[Silverplum]

Me three.

You can't win 'em all. And, IMHO, the CP SHOULD "give" more because the CP has the child the majority of the time anyway.

 

[angeleyzad]

From what I can see from your post...you have things you want to do and dad has things he wants to do. You are both making offers that just don't work for the other person. I don't see it as "he keeps wanting more", rather, he is trying to work with you as much as you are trying to work with him.
If you can't work this out, you might want to try hiring a private mediator that you would both agree would be binding. This would avoid an all-out court battle.
However, you may need to go back to court to have a more definite plan set up. Then, next year, work with the organizers of the camping trip and family reunion so that the times fall within your time with your kids...

The thing is, he at one point agreed to the dates (in which I have given him an extra 2-3 days), and asked for the extra time at the end (which would have given him over a week extra )because he thought that he was missing a weekend. I showed him that he was not missing a weekend, and even offered to extend by an extra day. He said no, only if I gave him the full week. So it has nothing to do now with trying to work with me, he's just trying to get more. He has given me almost every excuse possible, and contradicted every excuse he has given me.

As far as the camping trip, it's set at the campground every year (a Christmas in July celebration), so that does not change, and I have no control over it. Our family reunion is set on either the first or second weekend in August, when out of state family members come up. The mom-son trip was set by the cub scouts council (I have no control over it). The only event he asked me about was the fishing derby, he'd have to pick up the boys the day before in order to do it, because of the traveling. If we went with the default schedule, he's only picking the boys up on the day of the derby, so he wouldn't be able to do it. One of my events is missed, depending on which way the schedule goes...if it's 2-2-1, then they miss the Christmas in July camping trip. If it's 1-2-2, then they miss the mom-son scout trip.

I hear you about the mediation, but it's impossible to do any mediation with him - that step is always bypassed whenever we are in court, because it never works.

We also alternate July 4th, so the vacation schedules are different every year. Plus, the actual number of weeks of vacation could change every year, depending on like I said, snow days, and such.

 

[angeleyzad]

Me three.

You can't win 'em all. And, IMHO, the CP SHOULD "give" more because the CP has the child the majority of the time anyway.

I am "giving " him more...he wants to take even more than that...this has always been a problem with him...every time I give him more, he wants even more than that. There is only so much that I can give him due to the distance between us, it's not like he's next door or even in the next town. If that was the case, I would be able to give him even more, for that matter, we would probably have close to an equal time.

I have offered him extra time above and beyond so that the boys could go to his event, and also go to my event. Now he will only let them go to my event if I give him even more...again, it's the same skipping record over and over again.

It's I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't with him...he's pissed if I go by the court order, he says that it's "the minimum and we can agree to more". Yet, if I do more, he's pissed because I don't give him even more. He wants it to be give and take on both sides, yet he again, only wants to take. I'm trying to give him, I don't want to go default because (1) the boys miss out on both our sides, and (2) I'm tryign to give him extra time.

 

[fairisfair]

The thing is, he at one point agreed to the dates (in which I have given him an extra 2-3 days), and asked for the extra time at the end (which would have given him over a week extra )because he thought that he was missing a weekend. I showed him that he was not missing a weekend, and even offered to extend by an extra day. He said no, only if I gave him the full week. So it has nothing to do now with trying to work with me, he's just trying to get more. He has given me almost every excuse possible, and contradicted every excuse he has given me.

As far as the camping trip, it's set at the campground every year (a Christmas in July celebration), so that does not change, and I have no control over it. Our family reunion is set on either the first or second weekend in August, when out of state family members come up. The mom-son trip was set by the cub scouts council (I have no control over it). The only event he asked me about was the fishing derby, he'd have to pick up the boys the day before in order to do it, because of the traveling. If we went with the default schedule, he's only picking the boys up on the day of the derby, so he wouldn't be able to do it. One of my events is missed, depending on which way the schedule goes...if it's 2-2-1, then they miss the Christmas in July camping trip. If it's 1-2-2, then they miss the mom-son scout trip.

I hear you about the mediation, but it's impossible to do any mediation with him - that step is always bypassed whenever we are in court, because it never works.

We also alternate July 4th, so the vacation schedules are different every year. Plus, the actual number of weeks of vacation could change every year, depending on like I said, snow days, and such.

Nothing that you posted here changes my mind about anything.

Dad has the right to his time.

If your plans interfere with that time, then it is YOUR plans that will have to change or go. And that is how the court will see it as well.

Sounds like you are trying to get "more" as well, whether that be certain days, or more days, what is the difference. If I wanted my kids bad enough for a 4 day trip, then I would certainly consider giving dad a 10 day week in exchange for it. that is called compromise. It doesn't mean dad agrees with you because you want it.

 

[moburkes]

Me, four. I know what you're trying to say, but the bottom line is that children of divorced parents will miss LOTS of events. Period. If its THAT important to you, then give him the extra week. Like was said earlier, the CP has the kids more often anyway, and the NCP is just trying to get more time. Nobody ever wins these things.

 

[angeleyzad]

okay, I did offer him extra time to make up for it, he's not happy with it, so I guess the only thing we can do is go default (which we have no set "default", except specified first and last weekend with me, so that I'm sure will be another fight. So, the boys will miss out on everything. Oh well, their loss.

Thanks for all your advise.

 

[Silverplum]

okay, I did offer him extra time to make up for it, he's not happy with it, so I guess the only thing we can do is go default (which we have no set "default", except specified first and last weekend with me, so that I'm sure will be another fight. So, the boys will miss out on everything. Oh well, their loss.

Thanks for all your advise.

No, it's everyone's loss.

Keep in mind that NO ONE and NOTHING is more important than BOTH parents. Not cub scouts, not extended family (even if it is the annual reunion; even if auntie flies in from out of state), not camping, not anything.

If you can't come to an agreement with him, you're likely to lose -- the "standard" visitation for long-distance gives the NCP the majority of the summer and breaks. You're lucky to have half.

Keep trying to compromise.

 

[Zigner]

so I guess the only thing we can do is go default

No, you could try to hire a private mediator...why does that advice sound so familiar?

 

[angeleyzad]

new twist...

Okay, he just e-mailed me, and put a twist into the works. He says..."I'll give you just about anything you want if we can swap weekends after April Vacation (which, if any of you know my history, we have to swap weekends 3 times throughout the year...because of family obligations on both sides...his step-daughter's schedule, and my step-son/nephew's schedules.), their step-sister misses them, and I know the boys miss her"

Now, we do have a pending contempt charge he filed agaist me due to our swapping weekends not happening the way he wanted it to (which I'm not afraid of, I know I will not be found in contempt).

How should I approach this? I would agree to moving the schedule around for him, but I do not want this to happen every time. Plus with the contept filing, I would suggest to him to drop it, however, I would not want this happening again, if he's nto happy with the way the schedule works out.

 

[moburkes]

Listen, stop emailing. Get out a calender for the next 12 months. Pencil in the weekends that you'd like. Mark in the events that are occuring this summer. Number the weeks (each Sunday, or whichever day is the "switch" day). Mark in the weeks that you'd like the kids. Send him a copy. Work from there.

 

[angeleyzad]

Listen, stop emailing. Get out a calender for the next 12 months. Pencil in the weekends that you'd like. Mark in the events that are occuring this summer. Number the weeks (each Sunday, or whichever day is the "switch" day). Mark in the weeks that you'd like the kids. Send him a copy. Work from there.

That's basically what we've done, to no avail. I believe that we have since worked something out, as his request to change weekends now has him agreeing basically to anything. I'll find out shortly.

Thanks to everyone for the advise.

 

[fairisfair]

That's basically what we've done, to no avail. I believe that we have since worked something out, as his request to change weekends now has him agreeing basically to anything. I'll find out shortly.

Thanks to everyone for the advise.

How convenient for you.