Update and need prognostications

[childrenRpeople]

What is the name of your state? Ca
I'll try to keep this fairly brief.
I left my addict/mentally disturbed husband after escalating verbal abuse, threats and illegal activity (he was trying to grow pot in our baby's closet and took our son on a drug run).
My son and I have lived away from him for 9 months now and my ex's mom has monitored all of my ex's visits with our son.
We are in the midst of a custody battle. I want sole custodies and monitored visits. He wants joint custodies, spousal support (since I was the breadwinner for our 2 yr. 7 mo marriage), a temporary order to restore our son to his household and for me to pay him child support.
My ex was very open with the family court mediator about his drug abuse, taking our son to drug transactions, growing in the closet but he claims he is cleaning up his act for good. The judge ordered a hair test (my ex openly admitted that he has been clean since Feb and might not pass) and medical/psych records based on the mediator's recommendations.The judge warned me that if his hair test was clean and the psych records did not indicate mental illness such as bipolar disorder, he was probably going to get unmonitored visits. She gave no hint about custody.
Well, he passed his hair test (good news) and his psych records do not contain a diagnosis but do detail some symptoms that he was experiencing at the time like depression, not sleeping, not eating and not functioning in daily life's activities well, anger/irritability. The medications that he was prescribed but did not take are noted. One of the meds (Depakote) is a medication prescribed to people with bipolar disorder. His everday drinking and pot habit are noted.
My question is, how heavily do issues such as these weigh in custody cases?
He will probably get unmonitored visits (I'm concerned about that but I can't do much to combat that if a judge orders it) but is he likely to get joint custodies?
I'm trying to discern whether I should just settle out of court or continue to push for sole physical custodies (maybe joint legal?) and go to trial.
I don't want to waste my time or money.
You people all help so much, I'm relying on you for more advice. I need some prognostications. Thank you-CRP

 

[VeronicaGia]

The court considers the best interests of the child. The childs best interests include having both parents in his/her life. If he has passed these tests, and continues down this path, likely a judge will not order supervised visits. However, as you know, no one can tell you what a judge will decide.

As to sole legal/physical custody, really neither will stop his right to visitation. If you want joint legal custody, he will have 50% say in where the child goes to school, what doctor the child goes to, etc., etc. This could obviously create problems if he doesn't keep his act together.

Also, since CA takes into account the net income of both parents and visitation, it is possible as the CP you will be the one paying him support. I don't know how often it happens, but it is possible.

 

[childrenRpeople]

Visitation

I am not trying to stop visitation. I do believe it is in the best interest of my child to have both of his parents in his life. But I think my son has a right to be safe with stable parents. I pushed for monitored visits based on my ex's lifestyle and jeopardization of our son in the recent past.
If he is cleaning up his act now, then I can see why a judge may order unmonitored visits.
But my ex has been an addict for 13 years. He has a horrible anger problem (I currently have a restraining order in effect).
I know he is cleaning up because we are going to court. Perhaps this is permanent but maybe it's temporary too. 13 years do not go away in 3 months most of the time.
I'm interested in whether or not a judge is likely to award joint custodies in light of my ex's recent past and jeopardization of our son.
Frankly, the idea of him making decisions regarding our son's welfare while he is simultaneously trying to fix the devastation of his own life is scary. This is why I am pushing for sole physical and legal custodies. I am interested in anyone's prognostications...is a judge likely to see it this way?
Reiterating...my son needs his dad and I'm glad dad is cleaning up. But based on his instable mental history and long history of substance abuse, I am fearful that he will have joint custodies of our son. Our judge has full access to the mental history/drug abuse history since the psych records have been subponaed. Any other insights?

 

[VeronicaGia]

Not to be rude, but you should have thought about all this a long time ago, before you married him and had a child. You say he has a 13 year history, but the child is less than three years old. A judge may see that as you accepting his lifestyle, and now that you have a custody battle, you see his lifestyle as inappropriate. The fact is you accepted his lifestyle, had a child with him, and have now changed your mind about his lifestyle. Sorry, but you should have thought about a potential childs welfare long ago.

Once again, though, no one can tell you what a judge will decide. I wouldn't recommend bringing up 13 years worth of history though. Think in the present and very recent past.

 

[childrenRpeople]

Truth

I do not consider what you are saying to be rude. Yes, the man has a history of battling addiction. When I discovered I was pregnant, he promised to quit and he did. He quit but started using again after our son was born. During this time, he told me he was not using but now admits that he had started using again.
Everything you say plays through my head....regrets, regrets...
But, I have NOT accepted his lifestyle. It has always been a source of argument. He promised to quit and did before our son was born and LIED about not using when he started again.
So, do you mean to tell me that a judge will somehow think "Okay, because Mom should have been more proactive about not allowing a former drug addict to be a father, this child now gets to be in the care of a drug addicted father?" That makes no sense. If she is ruling in the best interest of the child, wouldn't she consider the facts rather than penalizing the child? I commend myself on leaving the relationship and taking my son somewhere safe when my ex got violent and out of control. Some moms would not have had the strength, the insight or the resources to have done that. My ex seemed to be improving but when he slipped back into his former lifestyle, I left. How can I be reprimanded for that?
I cannot change my ex's history or the fact that I believed his now apparent lies. I find it hard to believe that a judge would allow a child to be jeopardized to spite me.
I appreciate your comments and invite usable information.

 

[childrenRpeople]

Drug history

P.S. My ex's drug history of 12 years is very clearly mentioned in the psychiatrist's records which were subponaed (sp?) in court. I didn't have to say a thing...it's in his medical/psych records.

 

[childrenRpeople]

One more thing...an impression

...so I am getting the impression that perhaps I should settle out of court?
Tell my ex "Okay, joint custodies are fine. Since I should never have had a child with you, and should have ran from you when you I found out your history of battling drug addiction, that makes your recent lifestyle okay for child-rearing. I should have known better and so now, it's okay for our child to live with this."
I am very frustrated. I need some insight. What to do, what to do? If what you're saying is correct, VeronicaGia, that a judge is likely to reprimand me and award joint custodies based on the fact that I should have known better, I'll give up the fight now against my better judgement of what's safest for my child. What's the use in fighting this out in court, losing every last penny I have tucked away if the outcome (joint custodies) is going to be the same as if I had settled?

 

[stealth2]

Well, ya know..... here's the problem. You knew he had an addiction problem. You still had sex with him. Sure, he tried to overcome it - WHEN YOU GOT PREGNANT. But.... it wasn't too responsible to even let it get to that point. So yeah - you're not going to score big with a judge. You knew he was an addict. It didn't matter enough for you to get rid of him and not have sex. Now the kid pays the consequences of your choice.

 

[VeronicaGia]

Why not try to negotiate that he gets unsupervised visits for a certain amount of time (like 4 hours on Saturday and 4 hours on Sunday) and ask the court to address his petition for joint custody at a later date? In the meantime, ask for sole legal and physical custody.

 

[childrenRpeople]

Good suggestion

I worry less these days about unsupervised visits since dad is clean and appears to be more mentally stable than before. He still has an anger problem but says he is willing to get anger management help. If he gets help, I would feel safer dropping the restraining order.
Your suggestions make sense...custodies could be joint at a later date once time proves that his rehabilitation is genuine, that his mental health is clearly stable.

 

[childrenRpeople]

Finger wagging from Stealth2

As much as anyone can wag a finger at me for poor choices regarding who I dated and getting pregnant, people do change. Believe me, I wag my finger at myself more than you can Stealth2.
So I dated a loser and got pregnant. How dumb could I be? I hate that that stigmatizes me and ultimately affects the innocent one, my child.
I have since graduated from college, acquired a secure career and I am a responsible and loving parent. I realize that I did the bulk of the changing and not my ex. Everything you are saying about my poor choices is true.
But my child does not have to continue to suffer. When his dad became violent, went on drug and alcohol binges and threatened to kill me, I picked up and left with our son. I consider that to be a loving, responsible decision.
I am accountable for the poor choices I made, but I resent the insinuation that status quo must stay the same because my ex spiraled out of control.
I got my child out of that situation and said, "This is not healthy or safe or good enough" and I left. Does that count for nothing?

 

[stealth2]

It counts for something, of course. But it may not outweight that Dad is trying to be a parent. He's trying to change. And since he IS the man you chose - he's gonna get a bunch of chances.

And btw, I don't finger wag. That was by way of an explanation. If I wanted to admonish you, it would have been a slam upside the head, hon.

 

[childrenRpeople]

Laughing....

A slam upside the head *laughing*. I haven't lost my sense of humor : )
As well, my ex SHOULD get chances. This is his child, he is my child's father. My son has a right to his father.
But let's face it...my ex's path to recovery and mental wellness has just begun and there is much work yet to be done.
I am not trying to prevent him from parenting and being part of our child's life. I have not denied visitation. My child loves his father, I know that, and needs his father.
I am only saying that until he proves himself, it is in our child's best interest to be in my primary custodies.

 

[childrenRpeople]

Afterthoughts...

Stealth2, you made a good point by saying, "And since he IS the man you chose - he's gonna get a bunch of chances" (in court).
For this EXACT same reason...the fact that he was the man I chose and the fact that he was trying to change is why I bothered to marry/stay/have a baby with such a man at all.
So, I don't understand how the court can fault me for choosing such a man/father when he was promising/trying to change as a partner and future father. This seems inconsistent. The court itself is apt to give him chances based on his efforts to change.


My question remains....my ex's recovery efforts are obviously being made while he is under pressure and it may not last (as it did not last when our son was born).
Is it in mine and my child's best interest to continue pushing for sole custodies or should I save my time and money and just settle out of court?

 

[stealth2]

There's the point - if YOU were willing to marry him and have a child by him, the court is going to assume that you felt that his issues did not preclude his worth as a father in your mind.

As for whether it's worth pushing for sole custody or should you settle - that's a decision only you can make. An attorney familiar with ALL the details of your case could give you input, but you're the only one who can ultimately make that decision.