Visitation - Weekends

[Badhead]

What is the name of your state?

Minnesota

I am the mother of a 7 year old. I am the custodial parent. My ex-husband is the non-custodial parent. My ex-husband has a live-in girlfriend he is planning to marry, but hasn't married yet, to my knowledge.

Every other weekend, our 7 year old switches homes. My ex-husband does quite a bit of hunting on weekends and is going to be gone this weekend (which is his weekend for the child). I told him that if he isn't going to be home to be with our child, that I wasn't going to let our child go to his house to be with his girlfriend. He told me he would call the sheriff on me if I do that.

My question is this: Does the girlfriend (or even if she becomes his wife) have any visitation rights for our child? Do I have to legally turn my child over to her even when the non-custodial father isn't going to be home?

In my mind, she has NO rights. She is not connected to my son in any way. Even if she was his "stepmom", the father should still be at home for the child to be visiting.

Please, please help me!!! This is turning into a big, big deal and is very emotional!!!

Thank you!!

Badhead

 

[nextwife]

If he's always been a hunter, then his being gone weekends during deer season is not a new thing. Is this suddenly an issue because he has the fiancee?

Anyway, IF he has court ordered rights to EO weekend, he has the same right to use a caregiver/babysitter during HIS time as you do during yours. Failure to provide the child during his time could result in contempt charges aganist you. UNLESS you have a "right of first refusal". If there is a right of first refusal, then you need to see what the wording states.

BTW- If YOU remarry, won't there be times your child is with the step-dad in which YOU are not there?

 

[Badhead]

Right of first refusal? What's that mean?

Are you saying I have to turn my child over to anybody he decides can "babysit" my child, even if I disagree with the person he chooses? Or if I have doubts as to the safety of my child? Or doubts as to some medical issues? Doesn't my son have any rights?

And. NO, if it's my turn to have my son, I'll be there or he'll be with me. That's what having a child is all about.

Visitation is just that...visitation with the parent. To not be available the entire visitation session seems to me isn't right. If he were to go out for one night of the weekend, that would be different. I'm talking about missing the whole weekend here.

I feel that's quite a difference.

Also, there is quite a bit of anomosity between the fiancee and myself. Quite a bit.

Remember, I'm thinking of my child here, also. He's not all that enthused to be going there without his Dad. He loves his Dad a lot. He would MUCH RATHER BE WITH ME than with a "babysitter." Your point sounds ludicrous.

So, it's the dad's turn for the weekend, they're going on vacation, he hires a babysitter for the entire time. Which I don't agree with. Of course, my son won't either. But, I have to allow a stranger who could abuse my child to watch him? Just because it's Dad's weekend? WHAT?

Badhead

 

[CAPrincess]

Taken from: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/firstrefusal.htm

"Right Of First Refusal" Provisions

The "Right Of First Refusal" is a provision frequently written into custody orders and parenting plans. The intent of a Right Of First Refusal provision is to maximize the time child spends with both parents (especially the non-custodial parent, whose time is normally limited to begin with).

In its most basic form, Right Of First Refusal means that before either parent can use the services of a baby-sitter or other third-party caregiver, the other parent must be given the opportunity to care for the child during that time. The kind of situations where Right Of First Refusal typically apply are both "spur of the moment" occurrences (your car breaks down and you're unable to pick up the child at school), as well as situations that are planned in advance (for example, job interviews, doctors' appointments, or night classes).

Depending upon your State of residence, provisions in your parenting plan, and the prevailing legal practices, Right Of First Refusal may or may not extend to such things as preschool, day-care, or before- and after-school care. In some cases it may be interpreted to mean that when the child is sick, the other parent has the opportunity to care for the child (assuming the child is to be kept out of school).

In some States, the Right Of First Refusal is considered to be implicit in the custody decree, even though it may not be explicitly written out. Most Family Court judges acknowledge the concept and worth of Right Of First Refusal clauses and rarely, if ever, object to such a provision being included in the parenting plan because it affords the potential for parents to work together in raising the children. Paradoxically however, judges will rarely enforce violations of Right Of First Refusal, leaving it up to the custodial parent's discretion. Many judges consider Right Of First Refusal issues to be too minor in importance to warrant a hearing in court.

Obviously, exercising the Right Of First Refusal is only practical when the parents live in close geographic proximity to one another. Exercising the Right Of First Refusal is impractical (if not impossible) where substantial distances are involved because of issues related to timing and notification. If parents live more than about an hour of travel-time away from each other, exercising Right Of First Refusal starts to become difficult to implement in a practical sense.

Understandably, exercising the Right Of First Refusal also depends strongly upon collaboration between the parents. When exercised properly, Right Of First Refusal can increase cooperation and trust between divorced or separated parents, allowing them to depend upon one another in the same way as they would if they were still in a cooperative marriage. This cooperation is also extremely beneficial to the child because it allows the child to see the parents working together in a positive way, as well as increasing the overall time the child spends with each parent.

If exercising Right Of First Refusal would be practical to do in your situation, we strongly suggest that you have it explicitly written into your custody order and/or parenting plan. (We recommend including a Right Of First Refusal provision in your parenting plan by default, in case circumstances change, which they frequently do.)

** Regardless of how you feel about him not being there the entire weekend, it is his court-ordered visitation time. He can do whatever he wants with this time with his son as long as he's not putting him in any danger. Just as I'm sure you don't account for every single minute spent with your son, he doesn't have to account for it either. Sorry, that's just the way it is.

 

[haiku]

do you honestly think the FATHER of your child would leave his child with an abuser? If so I think there are bigger issues here. He has as much right to choose daycare or sitters as you do on your time.

 

[nextwife]

You know, if you push the "he must spend those hunting weekends with YOU, NOT the girlfriend" issue too hard, he could very well throw up his hands, and say "FINE!" and take his son WITH him hunting. I'm in Milwaukee and I know how deer hunting is almost a religious experience to hunters here. He's not going to give up going. It's planned all year.

Do you want him to take your son with him? He'd have that right, I'd bet.

 

[victmich]

Is it possible that you and he could switch weekends for a weekend that he would be home?

 

[Badhead]

I must say, I'm really disappointed. I cannot believe the rights of the child or what is in the best interest of the child does NOT get taken into consideration here. That is ludicrous to me!!!

I completely and totally disagree with this. If I knowingly give my child to his dad, knowing he will NOT be home for the child, and the child does NOT want to go, I still have to?? Even if I have doubts about the person taking care of him?

Don't I have any say in my child's care? What if I know the person "sitting" my child is an alcoholic?? Or a drug user?? Or whatever? I'll tell you what....I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAVE NO SAY IN THAT.

By the way, my ex-husband has extremely poor judgment of people, and yes, he allows my child already to go to a home where I know the father is an alcoholic, swears constantly, where the children (my child (7) and his friend (an 8 year-old girl) were left alone for hours.

My son told me about this situation. I was furious!! In fact, my son might have been 6 at the time. So, I have absolutely NO FAITH in my ex-husband's judgment.

And, yes, he is absolutely, positively, the most selfish individual I've ever met! That's the biggest reason we are no longer together! His needs come first, then others' are taken into consideration.

I feel I must protect my son.

About switching weekends, we've already had words about this and there is no way he'll switch weekends now. He's an ******* and does not care what I nor our son thinks. He doesn't care that his son doesn't WANT to spend the weekend with his fiancee. He is dying for Daddy's attention. Literally.

Badhead

 

[kel4377]

Just like the courts told my husband's ex, "You cannot change the law. You cannot do what you want. Until it's changed by the courts, you have to abide by it, no matter if you like it or not." I know you're looking out for your child, and no one's saying you're not, they're just giving you the legal aspect of it all. You cannot prevent your child from going over there, even if you don't like it. Take it into court and let them deal with it. You don't want to get yourself into trouble my violating the order.

 

[CAPrincess]

Like, Kel said, we understand you're looking out for your child's best interest but as it is, his dad has visitation every other weekend. What he does with that time is his business and his concern. If you refuse to turn over your child for his weekend, you could and probably will end up in court for denial of visitation. If you do that enough, you might end up losing custody.

And remember, your child is a child. He does not set the rules. Whether or not he wants to, he must go or you will face the consequences in court.

 

[Badhead]

Even though I don't like the answers, I thank you all for your time. It's so nice to get honest feedback and get it quickly.

Thanks to you all!!!

Badhead

 

[tammy8]

Ouch this post seems so full of bitterness toward your child's Dad. Do yourself and especially your child a favor and get over it! Like it or not, when your child is with his DAD, he could be hanging from the rafters and not really a thing you could do about it. Your house, your rules, his home, his rules.

Wanted to add that things will get better in time. You will forget this silly arguement. Been doing it myself for almost 6 yrs. Now the little things don't bother either me, my husband or his ex most of the time.

 

[Badhead]

It isn't just "bitterness" towards the "ex" that comes into play here.

I happen to know first-hand his lack of judgment. Also his choice of him first, everything else second. I've known the man for over 23 years. We were extremely close and the best of friends for many, many years.

The "bad feelings" are with his girlfriend. She oversteps herself quite often, and I get tired of it. She acts as if she is a parent here, and has meddled (yes, meddled) in areas she as no right to.

She is extremely forward and somewhat difficult to deal with. I can be very easy to deal with; however, I will match the 'tude. She has initiated the bad feelings.

Another question: she calls my son's school and asks questions regarding things about school. She comes to parent/teacher conferences. Does she have the right to do that? Can she call the school and get information on my son, even though she is not his stepmom at present? Or even if she is?

I thought it was between the biological parents.

Can you tell I don't like this woman?

I find it so very hard to believe that any "Jane, Sue, Mary, etc.," can just walk into a picture and be so "big" in the picture, if you know what I mean. Suddenly, she can have my son for weekends, can find out information about his school, etc. Where is the protection for the child and his privacy?

Badhead

 

[kel4377]

Well, sounds like a little jealousy. You should be lucky that his girlfriend is good to your child, that she wants to spend time with him, and maybe your ex is the one that wants her to call the school and ask these questions. As for parent/teacher conference, I thought it was just for the parents too, but who knows. My husband's ex didn't like me one bit from the start, but that was just because she was jealous that he was with someone else and she couldn't run his life anymore. Everyone told her the same thing, be lucky that he found someone to take care of your child as if it were her own.

 

[chatkat]

ok badhead I have to say something on this post. You have my blood boiling!

You want to know why your son doesn't want to spend time with the g/f future step-mom?
Because YOU DON"T WANT HIM TOO!
Kids will say anything and do anything to make mom think they could never possibly like/love/care about anyone other then her!
Mom's like you eat that up!! Then feed off of it and make the situation totally worse.

If you keep it up you will probably be successful in breaking them up. I know my ex's , ex wife was successful. It took 10 years but we did break up over all the crap she caused in our relationship over the kids. I was a better mother to her children then she could ever dream of. When the kids were here, we had a great relationship in the beginning anyway, we had a great time with each other whether their dad was there or not. Problem was, they knew MOM didn't like me because she was jealous! Just like you! They would go home and within 1 to 2 hours mom would call dad and start accussing me of all kinds of crap! Things that everyone in our home, including her kids knew were total lies!!
They would say that I cussed at them and that I was mean to them and punished them. NONE OF THOSE THINGS EVER HAPPENED!!! What did the kids get out of this??? Mom would give them attention.. Poor babies the big bad step-mother was mean to you. This went on the entire 10 years that we were together. Know what finally happened??? I got to the point that when his kids were in my home I would avoid them like the plague. I wouldn't talk to them, or even stay in the same room as them. That only made things worse between my husband and I. He then accussed me of being rude and mean to his kids. I told him that the fact that he was complaining about it was my proof when the kids went home and then she called to complain. I said, you will know that everything she is saying it a LIE, because I didn't even talk to them or stay in the same room as them, so how could I have cussed at them or been mean??????
Do you think I wanted to treat my step-children like that???? Is that what you want for the women who will be your sons step mother????
If you had your sons BEST INTEREST in mind, you would make EVERY EFFORT to make a relationship work and encourage him to develope a relationship with her!!

I totally believe that the ex-wife is 100% in control when it comes to child visitation being good for everyone or Really Really Bad for everyone. If you truely had your sons best interest in mind, you would do everything in your power to make the situation GOOD for everyone. My daughters step-mother and I have had issues, don't take me totally wrong. But... because we have my daughters best interest in mind.. We discuss probs that come up. When she wanted my daughter to call her MOM.. I called them up, went to their home and sat down with them. I told her and my ex that I am the only MOM she has unless I die before her adulthood, if that were to happen and my daughter wanted to call her mom, then they had my blessing. My daughters step-mother is better to her and does more for her then her dad does. She is very involved in my daughters life and not only does my daughter stay with her when my ex is working all weekend. Step- mom is the one who picks her up and drops her off 90% of the time.
I could have chosen years ago to make my ex's and step moms life a living H***. I could have turned my daughter against her if I had chosen too. Like I say, I don't like everything they do, but that is a difference in parenting. You have to bite your tongue. It is hard at times, but THAT IS IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD!

If you haven't seen it before... Watch the movie Step-Mother. If you have seen it, then watch it again.
There is a sence in the movie, where the boy says to his bio mom, "Mom, I will hate her if you want me too"
You have told your son, as you have told us here, that you want him to hate her. Don't do that to him and don't do that to yourself.
You were very close to this man for 23 years? I'm sure it is hard to get over a relationship that lasted that long. But as I have seen in other post, It sounds to me that you knew this man for 16 years before you had a child with him. If he was so selfish and had such terrible judgement then WHY did you have a child with him. You can't tell me that he was able to hide the real him for that long!
Don't refer to the g/f future step-mom as a babysitter. She is or will be his step mother and it is up to you to make sure that, that transition is as easy for your child as possible.!!

If you don't want her to attend parent conferences, the calm yourself down and contact her politely and let her know that you would like to talk. With or without your ex there.
Keep it calm and civil!! Remember, this is your son you are talking about and getting angry and fighting will only cause him more stress. Tell her that you would appriciate her trying to show more respect for your position as bio mom. Let her know at the same time, that you will try to show more respect for her position in his life as well. Talk to each other and think about how you want to be treated. If you want to be treated with respect and have more imput on what is going on, then you have to do the same.

Life goes on.. your ex will remarry, your child will eventually have a step parent. There may one day be step parent living in your home too. Do you want bio dad to make your child hate his step dad when that time comes??

badhead

And. NO, if it's my turn to have my son, I'll be there or he'll be with me. That's what having a child is all about

Do me a favor and print that statement and keep it somewhere safe. Once you remarry, I want you to think about saying that. To say that you will NEVER leave your child with a sitter or step parent or allow the step parent to do things with your child without you there is as you put it is ludicrous to me!!!

Well time for you to write back and tell me how wrong I am.

I say if you LOVE YOUR CHILD the way you say, then you will make this major change in his life as easy for him a possible. Even if it kills you!

chat