Where do we go ? Who can help us ??

[mamadi]

What is the name of your state? North Carolina

SS and SD just got back from their two weeks in Buffalo with BM. Every time they come back we hear stories of drinking / driving, mom and bf physically fighting, etc. SS just finished telling us about mom and bf fighting while him and sister lay sleeping on the floor in the same bedroom they were fighting. SS says bf pushed mom against the wall and mom banged her head in the wall. SS also told us about mom and bf drinking beer as they drove back to North Carolina (from NY). There's a couple more but I won't ramble on.

This is not the first time these types of incidents took place in front of the children. There are several other stories from the past year.

We just need to know where we can turn ? Who can we let SS discuss these incidents with ? We need to let another party hear what is happening when these chidren are with their mother; Some type of professional that would / could help us keep custody or maybe even supervised visitation ( I know that's pushing it) We don't want SS to have to take the stand in the courtroom at all. So is there someone that would listen to SS, take notes, make recommendations, etc. ??????

DH has already filed for perm. custody (has temp. custody now). Tried to work out a parenting plan with mom but she refused saying she wants custody because she "doesn't want to drive all the time to see the kids" They go back to Buffalo in two weeks for the second half of mom's summer visitation.

If anyone can point us in the right direction we would certainly appreciate it . Thanks so much.

 

[tigger22472]

Try filing with DFC or putting child in counseling and discuss it with counselor. Is it joint legal? Mom may protest to counseling but sounds like Dad can do it without recourse and mom's too far away to come. He may be required to give mom info as so she knows who he sees and where he goes but just warn counselor ahead of time.

 

[mamadi]

No Terry, not joint legal. Husband has temp. sole custody. BM has visitation. We've just got to find someone SS can talk to that will be able to take the information and help us try to convince a judge that this environment is not good for the kids . We've let it go on too long now just because we didn't know what to do besides having to put SS on the stand to talk about these things. but there's got to be another way. I know coming from our mouths it could just look like we're making the stuff up. I realize it needs to be told to someone not involved in our case.

Thanks !

 

[mamadi]

One more question - What type of counselor would be best to go see and for SS to discuss these things with ????

 

[tigger22472]

Did you just call me Terry??? HUH?? What's up with that???

I see what you are saying.. it's the whole he said/she said... a counselor is all I can think of because a friend or family member won't work because it would be the same as you guys.

 

[tigger22472]

I just recently put my son in counseling to deal with issues with the separation with his dad. It's at a stress center place. (Wabash Valley, local here). You could also try a local child psychologist , whichever you think is best.

 

[mamadi]

OMG tiger I sure did !! I"M SO SORRY Listen .... I am on 3 different pain killers for my broken foot. I'm surprised I can sit here and type LOL Sorry about that and thanks for the help !

 

[VeeGee]

Hey mamadi, I don't know if this is an old post...but thought I would try to help if I could. Tell your DH to report this to Social Services where the BM lives. Maybe they will go visit when the child is there and see for themselves what goes on. Also, can you guys bring all this up in court next time you go? Ask your lawyer if the judge will hear it? Who knows, maybe the judge will want to talk to your SS and get his side of things, they do have ways of doing this without stressing the child out. It would be done in the judge's chambers and not in front of anyone. It's just a thought...hope it helps some.

 

[Whyte Noise]

JMO on this one, and not really any "legal" advice...

Have the children see a therapist. Perhaps a local psychiatrist has a psychologist on staff that the kids can just talk to. I took my son to the psychiatrist Thursday for his ADHD, and he just opened up like a flower in there.... told the man all kinds of things that went on at his dad's house. Things that the kids have told me, and that I've documented myself, (and even some that they haven't told me) but now it's written down by a professional and will carry more weight in a courtroom than my handwritten notes based on what my kids said. My son has lots of defiant behavior towards adults and aggression towards his sister. Based on things he told the psychiatrist, I can see why.... and now I know where it comes from. Gotta love it when a stepparent beats you with a 2x4, and then throws the board at you when you're walking down the hallway (going to your room like you were told to do) and it hits you in the back of the head. Or when your dad and his wife get into physical fights and throw TV's and DVD players at one another.

Again, this is JMO, but I'd get it documented by a professional.

 

[mamadi]

Thanks guys ! That's what we were thinking .....taking kids to a family counselor maybe. Custody trial isn't until Nov. but how long do we have to let these incidents go on before something terrible happens. SS was telling us to the detail how mom and Eric (mom's bf) were drinking beer as they drove to NC. "Eric would hide his under the seat because he was driving."

BLCM did you take son to several sessions or just one ?? I'm wondering if we need SS to speak to a counselor on a regular basis or not. I can't imagine the domestic abuse not having an effect on his little mind.

We are tired of hearing about these stories every time kids come back. And what can be done about the drinking and driving ??
This is not the first time we've heard about it. There's not really anything that can be done about that until something happens right ??

I'm thinking a counselor or psychologist is the best thing. Like ya'll said they will be able to document everything the children tell them. But what happens in the meantime ?? Do we have to wait until the custody date to bring this up ?? I'm sure supervised visitation is out of the question.. So until the custody date do we just keep our fingers crossed and keep saying our prayers that nothing happens to he kids ??? thanks again ya'll

 

[Boxcarbill]

A true custody story that needs to be shared

I once had a client who got custody of his then three year old and his 11 month old daughters. The judge who heard the cased told me in chambers when he signed the order setting hearing on temporary order that "I believe a child of tender years belongs with its mother. Wouldn't you agree?"

She came into the courtroom on crutches, alleging domestic violence. We used two prior out of county DWI's and other things, including her kicking through his apartment door at 4:00 a.m. with the girls at home asleep, to get custody. (No, we never mentioned my client walking into the bedroom, after returning early from an out of town trip, and her standing by the bed pulling her gown down over her head and the man sitting on the bed fastening his pants. The girls were asleep in the back seat of the car.) At the final hearing, she came in with 12 witnesses and one expert witness, a psychologist, all of which testified that in their opinion the girls would be better off with their mother as managing conservator. I put Dad and the baby sitter on the stand for my case in chief. I cross-examined the mom and the expert and passed on the other witnessess. Yes, mom had gotten a new DWI's between the temporary and final hearing and, no, the expert had never met my client, never talked with my client and only knew what he had been told from the mother and her family about my client. The temporary orders became the final orders. Dad the custodial parent and Mom got the standard visitations.

A year later Mom filed for custody again. And a year after that she filed for custody again. Dad testified at trial and so did Mom. Mom was to have the girls for several hours on mother's day. When Mom didn't show up ( although Mom was very diligent in exercising all other periods of visitation) Dad who had taken the girls to buy a Mother's Day gift earlier took the girl's to Mom's house for her period of visitation. Mom left them all sitting in her house when she left an hour later. Her testimony was that she left to go buy some drugs. She testified that the drug she bought was coke. She also testified that she did not do drugs when she had the girls which is why she left. No change in prior order except for Mom was ordered not to drink or do drugs prior to picking up the girls or during the period of possession.

Two years later, Mom attempts again. This time she alleges sexual abuse. First time ever that I'm aware of that CPS not only determines that the allegation is groundless but that Mom concocted the story and returns the children in three weeks from the date of the allegation. The fastest time period that I have ever heard of and caseworker and supervisor state that not only is the allegation groundless but "Everyone and I mean Everyone that we spoke to and we spoke to everyone from neighbors to his lawyer had nothing but glowing things to say about him."

Throughout all this and the years that followed, Dad maintained that the girls needed a relationship with their mother and he never, ever tried to sever that relationship.

And, yes, when Mom was finally convicted of felony DWI, some 10 years after the divorce, Dad true to his beliefs, took the girls to see her. "She couldn't come to see them so I took them to see her." After her release, she finally cleaned up her act. Never were two parents more dramatically different than these two in every significant way that people can be different but they both had one thing in common: Both loved their children.

I have never had a client that I respected as much as I did this one. I doubt I ever will.

 

[Deblynrob]

Hi mamadi,

I think taking the kids to a therapist or a counselor is a great idea. In terms of waiting around for the next visit, the only thought I have is talking to your attorney about filing an ex parte motion barring her from taking the kids for the second part of the summer parenting time. I would not want my daughter to go into that kind of environment and they are putting the children's lives in danger by drinking and driving.

 

[mamadi]

Thanks for sharing your story Boxcarbill-- very touching. It sounds kind of similiar to what we are going through. My husband and BM are two different people completely but you're right ...... they both love their children. DH is a wonderful caring father (and I'm not just saying that because I'm married to him) and he just wants his kids to be in the best environment possible. He by no means wants to take the kids from her. In fact I must say he has bent over backwards for her to see the children ever since she moved to NY.

This has been 3 years in the making and he has been nothing but generous, fair, and encouraging when it came to the children and their mother. It's just very hard to reason and work with someone who is not capable of telling the truth or making decisions. He's talked to her about the drinking and driving. Her response was "nobody drinks in this family" (Well he was married to her and knows how much that family drinks) It's pretty sad when a 6 year old is asking DH "what are the rules for drinking beer and driving a car dad ? Mom says as long as the cops don't see the beer it's ok" .

He also talked to her about the domestic abuse that goes on in front of the children and she just blows it off. DH has tried and tried to be open and to communicate with mom concerning what 's best for the kids but to no avail. It usually ends up with BM hanging up the phone.

We sat in court Thursday morning trying to work out a parenting plan with mom and she would have nothing to do with it. How do we try to work with a person like this ??

I printed your story Boxcarbill and will have husband read. He is on an emotional roller coaster right now. He thought BM would work things out with him to develop a parenting plan but now he is faced with going to a trial. And like you've said before, you never know what a judge will do.

Thanks again Boxcarbill

 

[mamadi]

Yes Deblynrob - that's our point . But how do you prove the kids are in danger without the kids actually talking with someone other than us ??? That's what were trying to figure out

 

[Deblynrob]

Mamadi
Have you thought about asking the court for a GAL?
If you don't think the kids will talk to the GAL about this or you don't want to go that route, I agree with the other posters on this. Take the kids to a therapist or child psychologist. If you look under Mental Health or Psychologist in the Yellow Pages, you should find mental health professionals who see children.