Changes and Children's interests

[CJane]

stepmom&mom... I dunno what the judge would order. Dad's ordered to pay daycare now whether it's on HIS time or mom's. I don't know if a judge would change that if he got his wife to watch them on his time. Maybe the daycare costs would go down if he did that.

Daycare costs wouldn't change. Since I have them three mornings and two evenings every week, and a third evening every other week, it would still be considered full-time daycare, just to reserve the 'spaces'.

 

[Rushia]

I don't have any desire to keep them from the wedding, unless it's on Memorial Weekend. We have a vacation planned, that the kids have been looking forward to since we planned it in January. It will be the first vacation that we've taken since the divorce, and it's a big deal to all of us.

I'm 99% sure, based on his track record, that he'll deny he ever said I could take the kids to the funeral. I never believed he actually would, so that's not THAT big of an issue, if there's nothing I can do about it.

Ok, I can understand that. So It's possible that he moved it up to interfere with your time?

As Ldij, told you though, you might get a "butt kicking from the judge", but I also would have to wonder if your X would get one for not letting you take them to the funeral.

 

[CJane]

Ok, I can understand that. So It's possible that he moved it up to interfere with your time?

As Ldij, told you though, you might get a "butt kicking from the judge", but I also would have to wonder if your X would get one for not letting you take them to the funeral.

The problem is, I don't KNOW when the new date is. The first weekend in May is 'his' weekend, except for Sunday, because that's Mother's Day. The second weekend is 'mine', the third 'his' and the fourth 'mine' (and also Mem Weekend, which is my holiday this year). So, if he was thinking, he would plan the wedding on one of his weekends - which makes it the third weekend. But, he hasn't even reserved the church yet, or hadn't on Sunday, so there's no telling when it will be available.

I CAN see him planning it for one of 'my' weekends, and claiming it was his only option.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

It is in your children's best interest, especially since you have 50/50 custody/parenting time, to foster good will between your children and their step mother. What happens at the begining will affect the entire relationship, surely they have already had some contact. If she is willing and able, let her watch them, this has some advantages, such as when children are sick and can't go to day care or school, you already have someone to watch them. The one thing you might want to be clear on is that this time is still considered child care and not parenting time, so you don't end up paying him child support.

 

[Rushia]

The problem is, I don't KNOW when the new date is. The first weekend in May is 'his' weekend, except for Sunday, because that's Mother's Day. The second weekend is 'mine', the third 'his' and the fourth 'mine' (and also Mem Weekend, which is my holiday this year). So, if he was thinking, he would plan the wedding on one of his weekends - which makes it the third weekend. But, he hasn't even reserved the church yet, or hadn't on Sunday, so there's no telling when it will be available.

I CAN see him planning it for one of 'my' weekends, and claiming it was his only option.

LOL, well then I guess that he better hurry up! Does he know when you guys are supposed to go on vacation? Cause perhaps then he did try to plan it this way.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I got lucky with my kids stepmom. She's great, she actually babysat me in my home when I had a surgery done. I guess all I can say is hopefully they'll have one of their own soon and maybe she'll back off (with even bigger hopes that she'll still love and treat yours the same).

 

[CJane]

It is in your children's best interest, especially since you have 50/50 custody/parenting time, to foster good will between your children and their step mother. What happens at the begining will affect the entire relationship, surely they have already had some contact. If she is willing and able, let her watch them, this has some advantages, such as when children are sick and can't go to day care or school, you already have someone to watch them. The one thing you might want to be clear on is that this time is still considered child care and not parenting time, so you don't end up paying him child support.

I understand that I should 'foster good will'. Which is why I haven't said any of the things that I actually know about her history, why I haven't clawed her eyes out when she's said things like 'unlike your mother, I love you enough not to force you to go to daycare every day' and why I make every effort when I do see her, to be not only civil, but friendly and interested in her life.

However, her keeping my kids in lieu of them attending daycare has nothing to do with 'good will', and everything to do with the fact that IMO as their parent, keeping things as status quo as possible is in their best interests. Even 'good' changes take adjustment time, and I think the children should be allowed that. Which is why I made teh suggestion that they stay in daycare for now, and we revisit the issue in the fall.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

How about letting her watch them during his time for the first month, that will keep the daycare slots open, and if all goes well allow her to watch them during your time. You should know within the first 2 weeks how it is going, you won't need to wait until fall. It is not like you have control over his life, he will be married to someone else and she will be a part of their life, no matter how much you hate it. Who knows, she may not want to do it either and is only doing what your ex wants. But you can make it as bad as you want it.

 

[CJane]

How about letting her watch them during his time for the first month, that will keep the daycare slots open, and if all goes well allow her to watch them during your time. You should know within the first 2 weeks how it is going, you won't need to wait until fall. It is not like you have control over his life, he will be married to someone else and she will be a part of their life, no matter how much you hate it. Who knows, she may not want to do it either and is only doing what your ex wants. But you can make it as bad as you want it.

Nowhere have I said that I want to make it 'bad'. Nowhere have I said that I don't want her watching them AT ALL. I simply don't want him to FORCE me to leave the kids with a person that I DON'T KNOW beyond when I knew her in college and she was a total pot head, and my ex referred to her as 'the bunny boiler'.

What I said was that I don't think that it's in the children's best interests to cause quite so much upheaval in their lives unneccesarily. I also don't think it's in MY best interests, custody-wise, to have the kids spending 9 hours a day all summer long in my ex's house so that he can use that against me later - and he will.

If he chooses not to take them to daycare on 'his' days, there is nothing at all that I can do about that. But he shouldn't be able to force me to not take them on my days, especially when the parenting plan is so specific (which, btw, was his idea).

 

[rmet4nzkx]

This is between you and the woman who replaced you and not a matter of the children's best interest. And if she is as bad as you claim, she won't want to watch the kids past the trial period. I am talking about transition you are talking about delay.

But then if she doesn't want to do it, that will be on her, not on you. As I said be careful about the time being seen a child care as opposed to parenting time, if that is a problem, work the schedule so you have more parenting time, and the child care is seen as part of his parenting time (84 hours per week)

 

[CJane]

This is between you and the woman who replaced you and not a matter of the children's best interest. And if she is as bad as you claim, she won't want to watch the kids past the trial period. I am talking about transition you are talking about delay.

But then if she doesn't want to do it, that will be on her, not on you. As I said be careful about the time being seen a child care as opposed to parenting time, if that is a problem, work the schedule so you have more parenting time, and the child care is seen as part of his parenting time (84 hours per week)

Whether you choose to read things into my post or not is not my issue. I admitted to a small amount of envy, but that's all it is. A small amount of envy based on the fact that this will be the first summer that I haven't been home with my kids.

HOWEVER the rest of my concerns ARE about the best interest of the kids. If status quo wasn't important, it wouldn't be mentioned so often on this site. I know what my kids need, as far as adjustment times. While I can have no affect on HIM during his parenting times, the same should apply for me. If I choose to NEVER leave my kids with her as a aycare provider, that should be my right. Shouldn't it?

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Whether you choose to read things into my post or not is not my issue. I admitted to a small amount of envy, but that's all it is. A small amount of envy based on the fact that this will be the first summer that I haven't been home with my kids.

HOWEVER the rest of my concerns ARE about the best interest of the kids. If status quo wasn't important, it wouldn't be mentioned so often on this site. I know what my kids need, as far as adjustment times. While I can have no affect on HIM during his parenting times, the same should apply for me. If I choose to NEVER leave my kids with her as a aycare provider, that should be my right. Shouldn't it?

Take it to a judge then, they will make the same suggestions...... You may end up with less that you started with and less control.

 

[VeronicaGia]

One thing no one asked and I didn't see in any of your posts:

Who has legal and physical custody of the child? Is it 50/50 joint legal and physical? Or does one or the other of you have either or both? What does the court order say?

 

[CJane]

Take it to a judge then, they will make the same suggestions...... You may end up with less that you started with and less control.

This has nothing to do with 'taking it to a judge'. Did you even read my posts?

My current parenting plan VERY CLEARLY STATES that the children are to attend a specific daycare, and that he is to pay for it.

REGARDLESS of whether he'd simply found a friend to watch the kids for the summer, or if he'd found a church program for them to be in, or if he wanted to have his parents move in for the summer and keep the kids, he would still not be following the parenting plan.

I'm thrilled to death that he's getting married. Really. I've been waiting for him to get married since the day the divorce was final, because I'm convinced that it will make my life easier on a LOT of levels.

However, what his getting married SHOULDN'T do is allow him to decide where OUR children spend MY parenting time. Not without a modification of the current order, and there's no way he can get a modification through in the next 3 weeks.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

This has nothing to do with 'taking it to a judge'. Did you even read my posts?

My current parenting plan VERY CLEARLY STATES that the children are to attend a specific daycare, and that he is to pay for it.

REGARDLESS of whether he'd simply found a friend to watch the kids for the summer, or if he'd found a church program for them to be in, or if he wanted to have his parents move in for the summer and keep the kids, he would still not be following the parenting plan.

I'm thrilled to death that he's getting married. Really. I've been waiting for him to get married since the day the divorce was final, because I'm convinced that it will make my life easier on a LOT of levels.

However, what his getting married SHOULDN'T do is allow him to decide where OUR children spend MY parenting time. Not without a modification of the current order, and there's no way he can get a modification through in the next 3 weeks.

Your parenting plan was written with certain circumstances in mind, the circumstances have changed, it is called a modification, either party is allowed to petition for changes, what he is asking is reasonable, perhaps you can ask that he put aside the money he is saving from child care to pay towards college or summer camp.

 

[CJane]

One thing no one asked and I didn't see in any of your posts:

Who has legal and physical custody of the child? Is it 50/50 joint legal and physical? Or does one or the other of you have either or both? What does the court order say?

We have a 50/50 physical split. The rest of the court order is completely messed up (hence the clarification that we're currently going through). It states that he has sole legal custody. HOWEVER, the actual custody agreement is written as if we have joint legal. It states specifically that we must confer on all decisions about education and medical care.