Changes and Children's interests

[CJane]

Your parenting plan was written with certain circumstances in mind, the circumstances have changed, it is called a modification, either party is allowed to petition for changes, what he is asking is reasonable, perhaps you can ask that he put aside the money he is saving from child care to pay towards college or summer camp.

There's no suggestion of modification. He doesn't want a modification in court, because he'd risk having changes made that he doesn't like. He's not interested in compromise. Ever. And that's not me being the bitchy ex-wife, that's something that he says ALL the time.

I spoke to him tonight when he dropped off one of the kids' backpacks. I again suggested that we just let things lie until the school year begins. He said that he'd already asked the kids what they wanted, (bear in mind that the kids are 5 and 8) and he was going to honor their wishes 'no matter what'. He said that I'm being selfish, immature, and stupid, and that I have no idea what it would mean to the kids to 'finally have a mom who loves them'.

Edited to add:

And he did confirm that they're trying to get the church for the last weekend in May. I informed him that he should look at a calendar, because the last weekend in May is MY weekend, AND it's a holiday that is also MINE this year. He said "After all the weekends I've switched with you, you won't let me have this one?" I told him that I have vacation plans with the kids, and he said "You didn't run them past me to make sure they were ok, so they don't count." There is NOTHING in the order that says I have to run ANYTHING by him at all, with the exception of travelling out of state.

I want to do the right thing, but this has been going on for more than a year, and it's the same thing all the time. He believes that 'legal custody' means that my custody periods are 'at his will' << that's a quote from him, btw >> and he doesn't 'have to let me see the kids if he doesn't want to'.

He also told me that he's planning to keep them on Mother's Day since they have a new mom now, and they should be allowed to spend the holiday with her.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

You should have told us he has sole legal custody, therefore, he can choose not to provide child care through the current provider if he chooses to provide it himself. The circumstances have changed and the agreement can be modified. It the agreement is messed up, you should have taken care of it a long time ago. Apparently there is a reason he has sole legal.

 

[CJane]

You should have told us he has sole legal custody, therefore, he can choose not to provide child care through the current provider if he chooses to provide it himself. The circumstances have changed and the agreement can be modified. It the agreement is messed up, you should have taken care of it a long time ago. Apparently there is a reason he has sole legal.

Do you actually read entire posts?

I AM taking care of it. As we speak. And me taking care of it is one reason he's moving up the date of the wedding. He thinks it will 'make him look better' if he's married.

And of course there's a reason he has sole legal. We settled rather than go to trial, and on the advice of my attorney, I gave him sole legal in exchange for the 50/50 physical split. Both of us having a lot of time with the kids was more important to me than anything else at the time, and I was desperate to get out of the house and out of the marriage. I was also told by my attorney to wait one year before attempting to fix what she KNEW was a messed up order (again, while it states that he has sole legal, the actual agreement that follows it - all of the stipulations - are from a joint agreement. INCLUDING the requirement that he confer with me about ALL decisions that relate to the welfare of the children.) It also VERY clearly states that he MUST pay for daycare and that they MUST attend a specific daycare.

I realize a modification CAN be done at this point. However, I also know that there is NO WAY he can get a modification through in the next three weeks, which is when the school year ends and he's planning on making the changes.

Does anyone who's actually read the posts know if there's anything I can ask my attorney to file that would keep him from making changes pending the clarification?

 

[Rushia]

He also told me that he's planning to keep them on Mother's Day since they have a new mom now, and they should be allowed to spend the holiday with her.

Oh no no no no. What does your order say about that? Most orders that I have ever seen declare that Father's day is to be spent with the father and Mother's day is to be spent with the mother.

 

[CJane]

Oh no no no no. What does your order say about that? Most orders that I have ever seen declare that Father's day is to be spent with the father and Mother's day is to be spent with the mother.

It says that they spend Mother's Day with me, from 9am til 9pm. Likewise, they spend Father's Day with him. However, he believes that he gets to make all the decisions about whether or not I get the kids. This isn't the first time he's threatened not to let me have them on my days. He's never followed through, but it's always last minute that he decides to comply.

I have another question. We each get two uninterrupted weeks in the summer, and I'm supposed to let him know what those weeks are that I want no later than May 1. I plan to ask for two weeks in June, they'll be spending the days that I'm working (no vacation time yet) with grandparents, and the evenings with me. He says that if he doesn't want to give me the two weeks, he doesn't have to, because I have 'no solid plans with them'. I know this isn't true, but again - how do I force the issue, if necessary? I can't just drag him into court for every little power trip he gets on.

 

[Rushia]

It says that they spend Mother's Day with me, from 9am til 9pm. Likewise, they spend Father's Day with him. However, he believes that he gets to make all the decisions about whether or not I get the kids. This isn't the first time he's threatened not to let me have them on my days. He's never followed through, but it's always last minute that he decides to comply.

I have another question. We each get two uninterrupted weeks in the summer, and I'm supposed to let him know what those weeks are that I want no later than May 1. I plan to ask for two weeks in June, they'll be spending the days that I'm working (no vacation time yet) with grandparents, and the evenings with me. He says that if he doesn't want to give me the two weeks, he doesn't have to, because I have 'no solid plans with them'. I know this isn't true, but again - how do I force the issue, if necessary? I can't just drag him into court for every little power trip he gets on.

Well, on Mother's day my butt would be at his house at 9am and if he didn't hand over those kids, then I would be at the police station with my order in hand. Then my rear would be in court filing contempt. Let him explain to the judge that "they have a new mother", trust me honey, it ain't gonna fly. My X has an older little girl and she tried the same stunt when she married, the judge almost backhanded her.

Same thing with the two weeks. I would send him a letter either thru the attorney or even just certified return receipt telling him which two weeks you intend to take. If you don't receive them...contempt. It sounds if you really need to take this back to court to get everything in specifics.

 

[CJane]

Same thing with the two weeks. I would send him a letter either thru the attorney or even just certified return receipt telling him which two weeks you intend to take. If you don't receive them...contempt. It sounds if you really need to take this back to court to get everything in specifics.

Oh, I'll definitely let him know in writing this year.

I'm trying to take this back to court! I originally retained an attorney on the anniversary of the divorce, based on my previous attorney telling me to wait a year. It just takes forever to get the paperwork ready and get it actually filed at the courthouse.

The biggest mistake I made was informing him of what I was doing, in an attempt to reach a compromise rather than head into trial.

 

[Rushia]

Oh, I'll definitely let him know in writing this year.

I'm trying to take this back to court! I originally retained an attorney on the anniversary of the divorce, based on my previous attorney telling me to wait a year. It just takes forever to get the paperwork ready and get it actually filed at the courthouse.

The biggest mistake I made was informing him of what I was doing, in an attempt to reach a compromise rather than head into trial.

Good luck to you! After watching my X go thru this with his daughter, I swore I would not be like that. All we have is a divorce decree that gives me sole custody and him reasonable visitation. I let him see the kids whenever he wants and we try our best to get along. I like his new wife though, she really is a gem. I'm actually giving her a couple of hours on Mother's day. I know she loves them as much as I do and I also know she would never do anything to over step her bounds between me and dad.

 

[CJane]

Good luck to you! After watching my X go thru this with his daughter, I swore I would not be like that. All we have is a divorce decree that gives me sole custody and him reasonable visitation. I let him see the kids whenever he wants and we try our best to get along. I like his new wife though, she really is a gem. I'm actually giving her a couple of hours on Mother's day. I know she loves them as much as I do and I also know she would never do anything to over step her bounds between me and dad.

I don't dislike my ex's new wife. I can't stress that enough. We were all friends about 12 years ago, when my ex and I were dating. She was dating one of my ex's roommates and we all hung out together (of course, we were all stoner college kids then). I don't KNOW her now, and am not going to be afforded that opportunity. I have repeatedly asked them out for dinner, made overtures, asked that she be included in the quarterly parenting meeting, etc. She will not even get out of the car to speak to me when they drop off the kids.

This isn't all me being territorial, no matter what rmet thinks.

 

[CJane]

Update:

I spoke with my attorney yesterday, and she said that with the current language of the parenting plan, my ex CAN choose to use his new wife as daycare. However, he has to make the change in writing, with 'proper notice'. Also, it will affect his (currently non-existent) child support.

Once the motion for clarification is filed (next week), my attorney is going to file an emergency motion to decide summer care. She agrees with me that it's not in the children's best interests to go through so much upheaval at one time. She also said that the judge is very likely to order that the kids remain in daycare for the summer, so that there's an adjustment period, but also so that the youngest has a 'strong foundation of scheduling and socialization' prior to starting Kindergarten in the fall.

If that goes through, then we're back to what I originally suggested to him, which was that we let things lie for the summer and talk about making the change when school starts.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Your child has been in childcare if they have not learned socialization skills by now please have your child evaluated tor developmental and learning disabilities. 'strong foundation of scheduling, Scheduling? You got to be kidding me for Kindergarten? OMG!

You attorney confirmed he has the right to have his wife take care of the children, better figure that will be the judges ruling, I doubt the judge will buy the Scheduling defense.

 

[CJane]

Your child has been in childcare if they have not learned socialization skills by now please have your child evaluated tor developmental and learning disabilities. 'strong foundation of scheduling, Scheduling? You got to be kidding me for Kindergarten? OMG!

You attorney confirmed he has the right to have his wife take care of the children, better figure that will be the judges ruling, I doubt the judge will buy the Scheduling defense.

Are you always this antagonistic?

My kids ARE socialized. However, given the extremely rural environment that they live in, they could easily go the entire summer only seeing other children at church on Sundays. Not exactly great for development of MORE social skills.

And yes. Scheduling. Kindergarten in our district is an all-day program, and is as structured as any other grade. It's not a half-day expanded pre-school like in a lot of places.

And the scheduling issue is not a 'defense'. Nothing has happened yet to need to 'defend' myself from. What is going to be put to the judge is that FOR A VARIETY OF REASONS, it's not currently in the children's best interests to make so many changes at once.

Are you telling me that you would find it perfectly acceptable for someone who had NEVER spent ANY time alone with your children, whom the children had known for less than a year, who has NO experience with small children, who is embarking on a new marriage, moving into a new home, giving up her job, etc etc etc, to ALL OF A SUDDEN (because at this point, the kids haven't even been told that the wedding is being moved up) be the sole caretaker/disciplinarian 10 hours a day?

These are kids that have never been left with anyone except the daycare provider or a relative. The daycare center is fabulous, every employee is a state certified teacher. There is virtually no turn-over of employees. So, the kids have known these people for YEARS and are VERY comfortable in the environment. The other children who attend will be the same children whom they attend school with in the fall.

All I have said THROUGHOUT this whole thing is that consistency is the best policy. Waiting until school starts to launch THIS change (when it was what was originally discussed anyway, when the wedding was still in Sept) doesn't seem all that unreasonable.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

You really need to prepare yourself for the possibility that you will not get your way.
BTW I grew up on a farm and had no neighbors, I learned scheduling doing chores on the farm. When my children were in daycare when I was working, they didn't know their child care provider or their new teacher ahead of time, they went and they got used to it. It's not rocket science.
The judge is going to be shaking their head at you, you better come up with a better story.

 

[CJane]

You really need to prepare yourself for the possibility that you will not get your way.
BTW I grew up on a farm and had no neighbors, I learned scheduling doing chores on the farm. When my children were in daycare when I was working, they didn't know their child care provider or their new teacher ahead of time, they went and they got used to it. It's not rocket science.
The judge is going to be shaking their head at you, you better come up with a better story.

There is no 'farm', or I could see your point.

For MY children who have NEVER been left with anyone they didn't know already, it will be a HUGE change. Just dad getting married will be a huge change. Having step mom move into the house will be a big change.

And no, I don't need to 'change my story' because there is no 'story'. There's very honest concern that it's too much all at once. I'm not saying she shouldn't EVER be able to be the childcare provider. Hell, if he quits paying daycare, he's going to end up paying child support, and I'd be an idiot to argue with that. I just don't think that NOW is the best time.

I have no fears taking it to a judge. I'll present my concerns, and the ex will present his reasoning, and we'll see what happens.

Edited to add ~ This isn't about me getting my way. It's about me wondering if my ex is truly considering what is best for the children in this case. For the record, it's the FIRST time I've ever questioned his decision making. With the exception of this one decision (which he claims is purely financial), we've been very amicable and have shared in every bit of the decision making process.

 

[abstract99]

I don't know how it would work for you but I was sending my children to daycare when my ex quit her job. I continued to send them to daycare and she took me to court on it stating that she wanted the children brought to her instead of the daycare provider. I explained to the judge that I would like the children to at least stay in the daycare for my days (I was paying for the DC) because they had a lot of friends there and the lady that owned the DC was a longtime friend of both me and my ex. The judge ruled against me and said that I had to take them to mom is she wanted them. It wound up screwing me thought because as soon as I pulled them out mom called me and told me that she could not watch them. She would call on odd days and at the last minute tell me that something had come up and she could not watch them.
This might be worth bringing up in court by stating that the DC offers more stability and you can be sure that the children be able to attend on every day that you have them. I don't know if the judge will order him to pay for the DC but if not then the CS might change.