Child support and Extra Curricular activities

[rmet4nzkx]

Ok. sorry to have bothered. I can see no one here has teenagers and does not understand my positon. Nevermind. thanks anyway. I think I have gotten some bits of good advice here.

You are right, I don't have a teenager, mine are both raised, served in the military, have families of their own, and have college degrees, one has a Masters. They both worked while in HS for their extra expenses, maybe that is why they turned out so well.

 

[stepmom&mom]

Whether or not people giving you advice have teenagers does not change the advice they are giving you. Kids cost money, no matter what age they are. If you use your child support money wisely, you could pay for the summer school. Or maybe you should send the kid to dads and let him go to summer school there. It's possible that your son may be performing poorly due to your current situation or the stress of dealing with you and your ex.

 

[tigger22472]

Ok. sorry to have bothered. I can see no one here has teenagers and does not understand my positon. Nevermind. thanks anyway. I think I have gotten some bits of good advice here.

no.. My 14 1/2 yr old hasn't been grounded for the last month and a half for having ONE D on a PROGRESS REPORT. This same child wasn't removed from Wrestling(BY ME, and and extra curricular activity) for having a D on a report card.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Although I would generally agree with a child working while in school... however, not when they are obviously failing to the point in which retention is a HUGE possibility.

Actually, he'll just be using the time he now spends hanging with his "buds" working and summer school is typically only 1/2 day so there is time to work, a good time for the child to learn time management.

 

[stealth2]

Ok. sorry to have bothered. I can see no one here has teenagers and does not understand my positon. Nevermind. thanks anyway. I think I have gotten some bits of good advice here.

I have a teen. There goes that theory.

 

[dryba]

Than you should realize you cant MAKE your child pass/fail. It is ultimately up to them. I have taken things away, set up "study" times.. even followed behind him at school. None of it worked. So to say that it is MY fault i think is pretty harsh. What I found that I was teaching him by doing all of that was that someone was gonna follow behind him and pick up after him. So now that he is in 10th grade and realizes graduation is around the corner, he is buckling down. But he will still be 6 credits short to graduate. He is doing well now because he realizes this and it took a longggg time for him to get there.

I DID all of this.. his dad did NOTHING but pick them up every other weekend. Did not show up to parent teacher conferences, did not help with homework, did not anguish night after night about what to do. I DID. I realize it COULD reflect on me, but I feel like I have done everything within my power to help him. I'm sorry my kids didn't come with the handbook that yours did. I'm glad yours turned out GREAT, I hope mine do to. But you always worry in the back of your mind that you could have done more, you should have done more. But I don't think its fair to beat myself up over it either.

So I guess I can ask for help in paying for summer school but not expect it. That is what I got from this.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

That was damage control, too little, too late.
You reap what you sow.
He should be able to make up the credits between now and graduation, if he gets off his you know what. It's not his father's fault that he only has the child EOW, you would have been complaining if he was more involved or tried to encourage your son to work at school and you didn't agree. So now he put his foot down when you tried to get all these extra curricular activities paid for instead of focusing on your son'r success in his core subjects. After he earns his diploma, see if the Marines will take him, they will do him a world of good.

 

[tigger22472]

Than you should realize you cant MAKE your child pass/fail. It is ultimately up to them. I have taken things away, set up "study" times.. even followed behind him at school. None of it worked. So to say that it is MY fault i think is pretty harsh. What I found that I was teaching him by doing all of that was that someone was gonna follow behind him and pick up after him. So now that he is in 10th grade and realizes graduation is around the corner, he is buckling down. But he will still be 6 credits short to graduate. He is doing well now because he realizes this and it took a longggg time for him to get there.

I DID all of this.. his dad did NOTHING but pick them up every other weekend. Did not show up to parent teacher conferences, did not help with homework, did not anguish night after night about what to do. I DID. I realize it COULD reflect on me, but I feel like I have done everything within my power to help him. I'm sorry my kids didn't come with the handbook that yours did. I'm glad yours turned out GREAT, I hope mine do to. But you always worry in the back of your mind that you could have done more, you should have done more. But I don't think its fair to beat myself up over it either.

So I guess I can ask for help in paying for summer school but not expect it. That is what I got from this.

If you note that I mentioned my child had ONE D... not near failing the entire year and being retained. When he received the D my husband and I had a 'team' meeting with all of his teachers to see what the problem was. We talked about his weaknesses and if he had any or was this a simple thing of he didn't turn some work in. We talked about how to fix things, not only for this class that he wasn't even officially failing in but all his other classes that he was doing well in also. Failing a year in school doesn't just 'happen'. It's a process so there were obviously signs to this before now. If you think me saying it's 'your fault' is 'harsh' then so be it. I didn't say it was entirely your fault but you had a role in it.

I'll give you and example. I know a child that is completeing his first year of middle school. His mom has allowed him to do whatever extra activities he wanted to do no matter how many they were. He was getting detentions at school, write up, night school etc.. you name it. Yet mom still allowed the child to continue in all these extra's because he wanted to do them. This child by his own admissions has gotten over 20 write ups this year alone! He told me that it was 'impossible' not to get any. I called his bluff. I have a child who has gone 3 years to that school with not ONE single write up. My child is by no means perfect and doesn't come home with straight A's but he's NEVER EVER even slightly been close to failing a grade.

As rm said.. you did damage control too little, too late.

 

[Silverplum]

That was damage control, too little, too late.
You reap what you sow.
He should be able to make up the credits between now and graduation, if he gets off his you know what. It's not his father's fault that he only has the child EOW, you would have been complaining if he was more involved or tried to encourage your son to work at school and you didn't agree. So now he put his foot down when you tried to get all these extra curricular activities paid for instead of focusing on your son'r success in his core subjects. After he earns his diploma, see if the Marines will take him, they will do him a world of good.

IF he's not a "stupid-head"...the Marines are the FEW and the PROUD, for darn good reason. They generally don't accept those who barely pass hi-skool.

 

[dryba]

Damage control? yes maybe, my fault yes maybe. But believe me I would have totally welcomed any support (schoolwise) I could have gotten. Its very hard to do it on your own especially when you also have a teenage girl who by the way gets straight A's. He just doesn't care, I can't care for him-- i tried. Didn't work. He doesn't do anything else but sit in his room and play guitar. Therapists have told me not to take the guitar away. I did however ditch the video games. But he doesn't do anything else. My daughter however is in EVERYTHING from cheerleading to dance to karate. Marines would be great yes, but than as me being "the mom" would worry rentlessly (especially in todays world).

with all that said.. I have thought ALOT about the things said here today and am thinking alot of it through. I am always open to anything anyone has to say. And believe me when I say the harsh things that were said will haunt me throughtout this day.. thank you.

 

[Silverplum]

Damage control? yes maybe, my fault yes maybe. But believe me I would have totally welcomed any support (schoolwise) I could have gotten. Its very hard to do it on your own especially when you also have a teenage girl who by the way gets straight A's. He just doesn't care, I can't care for him-- i tried. Didn't work. He doesn't do anything else but sit in his room and play guitar. Therapists have told me not to take the guitar away. I did however ditch the video games. But he doesn't do anything else. My daughter however is in EVERYTHING from cheerleading to dance to karate. Marines would be great yes, but than as me being "the mom" would worry rentlessly (especially in todays world).

with all that said.. I have thought ALOT about the things said here today and am thinking alot of it through. I am always open to anything anyone has to say. And believe me when I say the harsh things that were said will haunt me throughtout this day.. thank you.

Wah, wah, wah. You need to worry about how that kid is going to turn out...withOUT the discipline of the military. Don't worry, they won't take him: they don't want or need mama's boys who can't untie the apron strings.

By the way, Apron-Woman, did it ever occur to you that your kid could get hurt or killed in a common traffic accident? Do you worry "rentlessly" about that? Do you let him out of the house??




edited to add: Oh, and btw, you are NOT always open to anything anyone has to say....you distinctly told me to "shut it" because I disagreed with your grubby nonsense. So....maybe you should, you know, integrate your philosophies with your actions? Yeah. That's what you should do.

 

[haiku]

Than you should realize you cant MAKE your child pass/fail. It is ultimately up to them. I have taken things away, set up "study" times.. even followed behind him at school. None of it worked. So to say that it is MY fault i think is pretty harsh. What I found that I was teaching him by doing all of that was that someone was gonna follow behind him and pick up after him. So now that he is in 10th grade and realizes graduation is around the corner, he is buckling down. But he will still be 6 credits short to graduate. He is doing well now because he realizes this and it took a longggg time for him to get there.

I DID all of this.. his dad did NOTHING but pick them up every other weekend. Did not show up to parent teacher conferences, did not help with homework, did not anguish night after night about what to do. I DID. I realize it COULD reflect on me, but I feel like I have done everything within my power to help him. I'm sorry my kids didn't come with the handbook that yours did. I'm glad yours turned out GREAT, I hope mine do to. But you always worry in the back of your mind that you could have done more, you should have done more. But I don't think its fair to beat myself up over it either.

So I guess I can ask for help in paying for summer school but not expect it. That is what I got from this.

Yes, you got to be the CUSTODIAL parent which means you signed on for the drudge work of parenting day to day, for which the NCP pays you his portion of that upkeep. And for all that drudgery and extra sacrifice of time and energy, you still got the better deal parentingwise than the NCP ever will.

 

[L.Lundy]

I don't know what a therapist was thinking, telling you to not take away the guitar, but it seems to me that if THAT is what is occupying all your son's time *by your own admission, it is 'all he does'*, then THAT is what needs to be removed from the equation. If he wants it back enough, he will buckle down and take his studies more seriously. My sons know that every day there's a pattern... the things that are duties and obligations come FIRST, always, without fail, and then the bonuses and recreational activities, etc., come AFTER. That's what your son would be better off learning when it comes to the guitar.

I'm all for the military, especially for people with personal accountability issues. It can certainly help to make a better person, or at least a more productive one.

No, you can't make him care. But you CAN make him realize that life is going to pretty much suck until he gets his proverbial sh** in order, giving him the motivation to put forth effort, whether he 'cares' or not.

Think 'carrot on a stick'...

 

[dryba]

Thanks. Good advice. Got a chuckle out of the carrot line!!!

But originally I thought I was getting legal advice not parental advice here. Regardless of if he is failing and who's fault it is... I still just wanted to know if there was any way I could force help out of his dad is all. Mostly for the 160.00 per credit. But also for help in getting him on track. Yes I know that failing doesn't happen overnite and I have done the teacher round circles and the progress reports and the sit at the table and don't get up. Its tough when you are the only one enforcing it. And yes I signed up to be the parent and I LOVE my kids, couldn't live without them but I get tired sometimes too. The only reason the therapist said not to take guitar away is because that is his only outlet. He's angry and I realize that, he basically has a father who abandoned not only me but him as well. SUre he picks him up for the every other weekend, but he also has other kids with his new marriage. I have also posed the idea that maybe he go live w/ his dad and see if he can get him to straighten out schoolwise(realize this is the ONLY issue I have w/ my son, he is really a good kid otherwise) but after he talked over with new wifey.. it didn't seem to be a good idea anymore.!

So i guess you are all saying legally theres nothing I can do.

 

[stealth2]

Back of the legal track - has your son ever had the opportunity to speak with a counselor? It sometimes really helps for them to have a totally uninvolved (yet understanding of the situation) adult to talk to.