Evil Ex

[nicole_mk]

What is the name of your state? South Dakota

I have issues. My husband and I married 6 months ago and he's got a 3 year old daughter (Annie) with an ex wife. The child is not being abused or neglected, her mother loves her. BUT- We can provide a bettter life for this child growing up. For example, her mother smokes heavy and the child has recently had tubes put in her ears for earaches. My husband and I would never smoke around Annie. I know, who's to say our lifestyle is better than hers (she's a bit "redneck", not a good rolemodel, or one we want the little girl to follow!) We've found bruises on the little girl, her back, arms, head and private parts. She's always has a reason for each and every "ouchie" she's got. Her mother and my husband were both in Iraq for a year (been home 9 months) and during that time the little girl and her brother (not my husband bio child) lived with ex wife's parents. I think they were taken care of, but again, they're lifestyle is a bit different... Last time we had Annie at our house she asked me why I keep beer bottles on my decorative shelves in our house- it was a purple vase shaped like a bottle of beer, I guess. Is that normal for a 3 year old to associate the two? Anyway, when the two got home from Iraq the ex wife told us we were supposed to pay half of childcare expenses, she said it was agreed to when they were divorced. We made a mistake, not checking the divorce decree and we ended up paying over $1,000.00 in daycare before we figured it out. She's not impressed about us not paying day care anymore. She said she's going to take us to court to have it added to the divorce decree. We're wondering, what are our chances of getting full custody of Annie? We didn't take pictures of the bruises like we should have. We haven't made a log of all the "crazy" things his ex wife has done. We just usually roll with the punchs and try not to make waves so she doesn't freak out on us. It seems over the last month that Annie was taken to the emergency room for something and we were never told, or my husband was never made aware of it. We figured it out whn we got the Explaination of Benefites form from our insurance company (we hold insurance on his daughter). Can we use that stuff against her? Shouldn't she have told us? She used to tell us when Annie went to the doctor. It makes us think that something may have happen to Annie that his ex didn't want him to know about. Please help anyone!

 

[djohnson]

I think your chances are slim. There hasn't been a significant change in circumstances. Same goes for her going back for more money. The small things you talk about can't be proven. A beer bottle can be seen on TV and having one doesn't automatically make you bad. You should teach a child that. You say she is a good and loving mother. I think you have nothing but petty issues.

 

[LdiJ]

I think your chances are slim. There hasn't been a significant change in circumstances. Same goes for her going back for more money. The small things you talk about can't be proven. A beer bottle can be seen on TV and having one doesn't automatically make you bad. You should teach a child that. You say she is a good and loving mother. I think you have nothing but petty issues.

I agree that there have been no real changes in circumstance that would validate a custody change. However, a recalculation of child support is certainly not out of the question, plus ALL state guidelines make daycare costs part of the calculation. Therefore, if she takes dad back for a cs recalculation because he refuses to contribute to daycare, it WILL get included in the order. In addition, if his income has increased since the original order was written it may go up even more.

It would be far wiser for him to cover half of the daycare costs without going back to court. However that is just my opinion.

 

[mrsbrown]

Why wasn't Annie left with the father when her Mother went over to Iraq?

 

[Jillian483]

Why wasn't Annie left with the father when her Mother went over to Iraq?

This is the question that I would be asking. As far as the child support goes. You have no chance to get the money that you have spent back. She can request that your husband provide for half of it and it can be included as part of child support. I would also find out why she went to the hospital. She is required to inform the father about the visit but it is pretty likely that she will claim that she knew that you would find out when you got the insurance. Furthermore, Military insurance if free so she should be providing it. Well dental is like 21 dollars a month but the other stuff is free.

 

[helen7]

IMO....you need to get off your high horse. Just because you dont agree with mom's lifestyle, dosnt make it wrong or harmful to the child. Just because mom may like to kick back once in awhile, have a beer and a hamburger on the BBQ, or maybe a little bull riding dosnt make it a bad enviornment for the child. Your husband must have liked the "redneck" in her at some point to marry her and have a child with her.
I think that your best bet would be for dad to try to instill his values in his daughter on his time, and let the child decide which kind of lifestyle she wants to have when she gets older.

 

[FLFamof5]

Question?

What does the CO state in regards to custody? Do they have joint legal/physical?

If BF does not have joint legal and BM has sole-legal then she doesn't have to notify BF of anything legally.. morally of course is a different situation.

In regards to your post about the bruising and such... if you don't document it or call CPS then it never happened.. know what I mean?

Taking parents back to court is very costly... learn to pick your battles.

Also.. in regards to BM taking BF back for an increase in child support... if she can prove that she has incurred more expenses then that is her right and his responsibility as well.

I am a SM as well and I'm sure we will be back in court in a year or so for an increase in CS... SS is 3 1/2 now... as children get older, their needs increase and that's just something that you are going to have to deal with.

 

[LdiJ]

Why wasn't Annie left with the father when her Mother went over to Iraq?

Go back and re-read...it looks to me like both mom and dad went at the same time.

 

[mrsbrown]

Go back and re-read...it looks to me like both mom and dad went at the same time.

Thanks for the clarification.

 

[CJane]

What is the name of your state? South Dakota

I have issues. My husband and I married 6 months ago and he's got a 3 year old daughter (Annie) with an ex wife. The child is not being abused or neglected, her mother loves her.

We've found bruises on the little girl, her back, arms, head and private parts. She's always has a reason for each and every "ouchie" she's got.

So, which is it? You can't have it both ways.

This:

BUT- We can provide a bettter life for this child growing up. For example, her mother smokes heavy and the child has recently had tubes put in her ears for earaches. My husband and I would never smoke around Annie. I know, who's to say our lifestyle is better than hers (she's a bit "redneck", not a good rolemodel, or one we want the little girl to follow!)

and this

Her mother and my husband were both in Iraq for a year (been home 9 months) and during that time the little girl and her brother (not my husband bio child) lived with ex wife's parents. I think they were taken care of, but again, they're lifestyle is a bit different...

and this

Last time we had Annie at our house she asked me why I keep beer bottles on my decorative shelves in our house- it was a purple vase shaped like a bottle of beer, I guess. Is that normal for a 3 year old to associate the two?

are completely irrelevant and only make it sound like you're a complete snob. Kids get tubes in their ears for LOTS of reasons. I have beer in my fridge, even though I almost never drink. In fact, there's also a box of wine, two bottles of wine, a bottle of excellent port, and a bottle of fine Irish Whiskey in there. Doesn't make me a bad parent.

My ex and I disagree on a LOT of things, including morals and religion and things like that. Ya know what? Doesn't mean a damn thing in court. You can't file for a change in custody based on the fact that you don't smoke and think that the CPs lifestyle is 'less' than yours.

Anyway, when the two got home from Iraq the ex wife told us we were supposed to pay half of childcare expenses, she said it was agreed to when they were divorced. We made a mistake, not checking the divorce decree and we ended up paying over $1,000.00 in daycare before we figured it out.

That's just stupidity on the Father's part, and genius on the part of the Mother. It's hardly her fault that he didn't read his CO before shelling out the cash.

She's not impressed about us not paying day care anymore. She said she's going to take us to court to have it added to the divorce decree.

And she should. It's in my decree that my ex pays daycare costs. If it has to be paid, then it should be split. It's considered when making the child support calculation anyway. For that matter, so is insurance premiums.

We're wondering, what are our chances of getting full custody of Annie?

Slim to none. I'm wondering if this is a 'we're honestly concerned about the health and welfare of the child' thing, or if it's a 'we don't like the fact that mom is a redneck, and so we're going to take her child' sort of thing. The judge is going to wonder too.

We didn't take pictures of the bruises like we should have. We haven't made a log of all the "crazy" things his ex wife has done. We just usually roll with the punchs and try not to make waves so she doesn't freak out on us.

Again, stupidity on your part. If you were really THAT concerned, you would have documented it and called DFS.

It seems over the last month that Annie was taken to the emergency room for something and we were never told, or my husband was never made aware of it. We figured it out whn we got the Explaination of Benefites form from our insurance company (we hold insurance on his daughter). Can we use that stuff against her? Shouldn't she have told us? She used to tell us when Annie went to the doctor. It makes us think that something may have happen to Annie that his ex didn't want him to know about. Please help anyone!

Father has access to her medical records. Go to the hospital and find out what happened. It was probably nothing. Gawd - my daughter broke her finger at daycare. Her father had her that night and made the decision to wait to inform me, and wait to take the child to the doctor, until the following morning. It was HIS decision since it was HIS custody period. Whether or not I agree with tha decision is completely irrelevant. And whether or not YOU, as the step-mom agree with the decisions that the CP is making is even LESS relevant.

 

[AHA]

By saying that red necks are bad parents, you have basically judged every american mom and dad in the southern states to be bad parents!! That's way uncalled for. I'd say bitterness between parents (bio AND step) is waaaaay more destructive to a child than being a southerner!!! What's next, every parent under a certain age is a bad parent, every blond parent is a bad parent???? COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OP, stop and think about what you are saying!! You are supposed to be an additional role model to your husband's child, start acting like it.

 

[CJane]

By saying that red necks are bad parents, you have basically judged every american mom and dad in the southern states to be bad parents!! That's way uncalled for. I'd say bitterness between parents (bio AND step) is waaaaay more destructive to a child than being a southerner!!! What's next, every parent under a certain age is a bad parent, every blond parent is a bad parent???? COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OP, stop and think about what you are saying!! You are supposed to be an additional role model to your husband's child, start acting like it.

OT from OP, but just for the record - not all southerners are rednecks and not all rednecks are southerners.

Me? I'm just poor white trailer trash (never mind the middle management position, the decent income, or the college education). But I'm a damn good mother, even if my 5 year old does know what a beer bottle looks like.

 

[nicole_mk]

Wowsa!

Well I guess I hit a nerve on the redneck thing. It wasn't meant to offend, just the only way I can describe her mother. A lot of people make a lot of assumptions but you don't know her mom. Somehow Annie is getting bruises on her body. I don't know where they're coming from. I'm guessing some of them are from playing and being a 3 year old. I know her dad can provide a better life for her. If she lived at our house, I can guarentee she'd have shoes that fit her, clothes that were not torn and dirty, lungs free from smoke, a bed to go to everynight (not grandma and grandpas or a babysitter), and a safe environment. Her dad can give her that. Her mom is struggling.

 

[CJane]

Well I guess I hit a nerve on the redneck thing. It wasn't meant to offend, just the only way I can describe her mother. A lot of people make a lot of assumptions but you don't know her mom. Somehow Annie is getting bruises on her body. I don't know where they're coming from. I'm guessing some of them are from playing and being a 3 year old. I know her dad can provide a better life for her. If she lived at our house, I can guarantee she'd have shoes that fit her, clothes that were not torn and dirty, lungs free from smoke, a bed to go to every night (not grandma and grandpas or a babysitter), and a safe environment. Her dad can give her that. Her mom is struggling.

And struggling is NOT against the law, nor is it a sign of being a bad parent. An no, you could not guarantee that her clothes would never be torn and that her shoes would always fit. That's a constant battle for ANYONE with kids. lol And you'd NEVER leave her with grandparents or a sitter? Bullsh*t. The fact is, the courts awarded Mom custody, and unless you can prove that she's UNFIT, they're not going to award it to you.

Edited to add...

I was wrong. They're NEVER going to award it to YOU.

 

[styl4u64]

Exactly!

And struggling is NOT against the law, nor is it a sign of being a bad parent. An no, you could not guarantee that her clothes would never be torn and that her shoes would always fit. That's a constant battle for ANYONE with kids. lol And you'd NEVER leave her with grandparents or a sitter? Bullsh*t. The fact is, the courts awarded Mom custody, and unless you can prove that she's UNFIT, they're not going to award it to you.

Edited to add...

I was wrong. They're NEVER going to award it to YOU.

Shoooo Fly,,,,,, GO AWAY!
The mother is the mother and YOU will NEVER be, sorry, you can't 'erase' her away but hopefully your husband will see thru you, if not then he should only have supervised visitation as long as YOU are around. The way you post is most certainly an indication of how you relay your feelings to the ex-wife and more importantly the nasty little berating way you are showing the innocent Annie how you feel about her own mother. It will catch up to you! How many children do YOU have>?