I am a step-mom - I NEED HELP!!!

[kellimoore45]

What is the name of your state? Kansas

I NEED HELP!!!

I have 2 step sons, we have them from 5pm on Fridays until 8am on Mondays. EVERY WEEKEND!! This is not court ordered visitation that is set. It is something that my husband and his ex set up because she decided to get a job where she worked on weekends.

Recently he was served with Child Support papers. He has been ordered to pay 729.00/mo for these 2 kids. I am not sure if you are familiar with the norm in kansas,but that is really high.

My frustrations are that we now have to pay this and we have them every weekend (which ends up costing us approx. $500.00/mo just in groceries and family outings that we planned for our children because we now have to include them as well). I don't think that this is right. I think that since she is now getting all of this child support that she should put them in daycare. These are school aged kids, so she does not get to see them but about 25 hours a week. So I suggested to my husband that he either 1) try to get custody of them (since they are with us way more than they are with her) or 2)he try to get the amount reduced. He says that he will but he doesn't seem to be too motivated to do this.

My question is - does anyone know what a step parent can do in cases like this to do one of the 2 things that I suggested?

I feel like we are being ran over by the ex!!

 

[Holly Golightly]

Sure. Suggest she put them in daycare over the weekend.

Daycare is NOT considered part of child support in most cases - and your husband will be liable for HALF the cost of daycare, on top of the child support.

The reason your husband is not "too motivated" to take food out of his own children's mouths is that he is a decent guy.

You, on the other hand... Take the CAKE.

 

[ellencee]

kellimoore45
I'll tell this story once more, because it is worth hearing....when my ex objected to my working schedule, the judge looked him straight in the face and told him that he, the judge, would be glad to order him, my ex, to pay my salary so I didn't have to work any shift to which he, my ex, objected.

Maybe you would like for your husband to pay his ex wife's salary?

As for spending $500 a month on entertainment--Are you nuts or just exaggerating?! You don't spend $500 a month on entertainment if you can't afford it. You stay home and have quality family time.

You need to remember that your husband's children with you are no more his children than are his children with his ex wife and they are no less his children, either; and, he has been their father a whole lot longer than he has been the father of his children with you.

Grow up. That's a good place to start.

EC

 

[kellimoore45]

I don't think that you guys are understanding what I am saying.

I love my step kids. But let me paint a picture for you.

The ex is on Section 8 (and pays 43.00 /mo for rent), works on weekends under the table and never has to report that she is getting paid. Meanwhile she is collecting disabililty because she "threw her back out."

The agreement that was made was that we would keep the boys on weekends. That was fine with me. But then when she goes and gets a child support order for 729.00/mo. This is where the problem is.

It seems like she is getting a free ride for everything. We buy the boys all the clothes that they need, we feed them 8 of the 12 meals they eat at home ( they get free lunches and breakfasts at school), we have them 33 of the 53 hours that they are awake and not in school out of the week, and evrytime they need something I am the first to help them get it (this ranges from medicine to a tutor).

I think that you are reading the bad and not understanding my side.

 

[kellimoore45]

By the way, I didn't say that I spend $500.00/mo on entertainment. I said that we spend that much on groceries and family outings. 2 growing boys.....that is not that much.

 

[ellencee]

"My frustrations are that we now have to pay this and we have them every weekend (which ends up costing us approx. $500.00/mo just in groceries and family outings that we planned for our children because we now have to include them as well)."

I took that to mean that your weekend expenses, above and beyond your normal budget, is $500 more because of your weekend activities.

If I misunderstood, I stand corrected. Still, two children can not add $500 a month to a family's grocery bills unless you have the two biggest linebacker's on the highschool's football team as stepchildren.

Try Raman noodle soup; it never hurt anyone! (that's a joke for someone else)

 

[ellencee]

"The ex is on Section 8 (and pays 43.00 /mo for rent), works on weekends under the table and never has to report that she is getting paid. Meanwhile she is collecting disabililty because she "threw her back out.""

Bless her heart! Aren't you glad you live in a nice house and have everything you need, including her "husband's" nice, big salary and all the benefits!! Not to mention that you have your health and no one so much better than you that is criticizing everything in your life and begruding feeding your children.

You are right, poor pitiful you. I know, swap places with her for a couple of months. Let her live in a decent place and eat decent meals and be with her children on the weekends. You live in section 8 housing, have a bad back, have to miss being with your children to work some menial job with no benefits and no future.

You don't want your husband to support his children because you think you are so much better than the mother of his children?

Oh, please.....cry us a river.

It seems to me that your husband is more than willing to pay the support and is more than happy to have his children with him. One day he's going to realize what is keeping him from being happy with his life...you. Then, you may find yourself alienated from your husband. Is that what you want? Why not support your husband in his DECENT efforts to support his children and provide them a decent life with their mother and support your husband in his DECENT efforts to enjoy his children each weekend. Some NCPs would love to have this man's problems; only he doesn't have a problem with it; you do.

Jealousy is a very unbecoming trait; so is selfishness. You will have way too many wrinkles when you are 40 or 50 if you don't let go of jealousy and selfishness.

By the way...how much support do you get from your ex?

Oh--and, she's allowed to earn $800 a month while receiving disability benefits from Social Security.

EC

 

[kellimoore45]

Ok, let me ask my question point blank.

As a step parent is there any thing that I can do to petition the court to either 1) get custody of the children, or 2) get the child support reduced.

I am asking that personal feelings regarding reducing child support please not interfere with the advise that I am needing. I more than anyone know what it is like to have little or no support from an ex (my oldest child is from a previous relationship - where I receive $89.00/mo in child support).

I love my children (and I consider my step children as mine) and want them to continue to have the life that they have been able to have while in our care. At the current amount that we are being ordered to pay they are not able to have everything that we are able to provide them with (this goes for my children that I gave birth to as well). They are in our care a majority of the time and I would really like to give the stable positive environment that they deserve.

My overall goal would be to have us get custody of them if possible. My husband does not want to stir things up in fear that he won't get to see the kids (remember,out visitation is just an agreement between us - not court ordered). I would like to know what I can do.

 

[ellencee]

"As a step parent is there any thing that I can do to petition the court to either 1) get custody of the children, or 2) get the child support reduced."

No; you have no legal rights to the children at all. You can not ask the court to grant you anything.

That's a purely legal response; try not be emotional in your response.

As for the children's "deserving better", that is not a fair assessment. The children deserve to stay with their mother as they always have and to receive sufficient support from their father to provide them a home that is provided by both parents.

Your children with this man deserve to live in a home with you and with him according to whatever he and you can provide AFTER he pays the support to the mother of his children.

Somehow, you have to make peace with this. They are not your children. You do not have the right to change their homelife with their mother or to encourage your husband to do so.

You are making yourself miserable and I am sure your misery is spreading to those around you. If you want do what is best for all of the children, you need to accept the facts and learn to live within those boundaries and still find happiness and peace of mind.

You can't take another woman's children just because you would do things differently. It isn't right; it isn't legal, either.

Those are her children; not yours. You can not truly love those children unless you learn to love them within the boundaries that exist. Then, it is truly loving them.

Best wishes,
EC

 

[kellimoore45]

Ellencee-

You don't know me. I am not on here insulting you or anyone else. I am simply trying to figure out what I can do for my family.

I don't live in a nice house, I don't have "her husband's nice big salary", I don't have all these benefits.

I am wanting to do what is best for these children. The ex, didn't hurt her back - that is a whole different story. And by the way- her house is nicer than mine!!

I do not think that I am better than anyone. She takes good care of the kids when she has them. You have not seen me say anything against her. The only think that I have to say that is negative is that she is cheating the system. She makes decent money and yet is still collecting disability. She makes decent money and yet still is able to stay in Section 8 housing.

I do support my husband 100% on everything that he does with the kids. I am the one who urged him to start spending so much time with them, I am the one who suggested that we keep them on the weekends. I am the one who is always giving her money whenever she needs it. My husband works weekends also, I am the one who is the caretaker during this time.

You know - most step moms are sort of out of the "picture step moms" and would not encourage the husbands to be more active in their childrens lives. I am here trying to be there, trying to make life better for them. And for you to insult me for doing so does not seem quite fair.

 

[Bruno6301]

Hmmmm...

Kelli,

I see your point and understand what you are asking. But it's as simple as everyone on here has told you...

You just should support your husband, and if HE decides to keep paying what he does, it's his decisionl..I know that it's a hard pill to swallow, but as one very smart attorney on her once said, "A stepparent has NO RIGHTS"....is so right. It's between HIM and HER, and the best way to keep a war going is to step in where you should not.

I am a stepmother of 3...one of which has Cerebral Palsy...He is only 8 and we are looking at a lifetime of support. Hon, you cannot tell your husband to not do something that he feel is morally right...I hate to also tell you, that a lot of problems I see personally, are based on the step parent wanting to make decisions that they simply aren't allowed to make.

It's not personal, it's the law, and morals.

Just support him, get a job if you don't work yourself, and HELP him support ALL the children...

Good luck...

 

[kellimoore45]

Bruno -

Thanks for not thinking the worst of my questions. Now, here is the other thing. My husband and I agree on this issue. He is actually the one who first brought it up.

Because he works 2 jobs he is not really able to find the time to research and find out what he can do. This is why I stepped up to see what could be done. I started by asking what I could do, because I wasn't sure if there was something I could do. So, now that I know that I can't do anything, can anyone help me with where we go to from here? Is there anything that we can do without an attorney?

We both support all the children (there are 6in all - we couldn't make it if we didn't). Between the 2 of us we have 4 jobs and I am a full time collage student. We support each other in everything we do. We are like each others left legs. I am wanting to do all that I can to help him with this issue.

Thanks
Kelli

 

[Lil Miss Smarty Panties]

Has he went to court and been ordered to pay that amount yet? Did he tell the judge how much time he has with them? Did he get credit towards his C/S obligation for the amount of time he actually has the children? Has he petitioned for court ordered visitation?

 

[VG1013]

kellimoore...$729.00 per month is NOT alot of money dear. Not for 2 children. My ex paid $900.00 per month CS for 2 children. PLUS $600.00 per month for spousal support, $300.00 per month for daycare ( which was very cheap) ...because HIS wife complained about my 2 children always being there, while I busted my a$$ working. So I put them in daycare, and he was required to pay half ( she screwed herself lol ). While he had them each weekend, he paid for their food, family outings, clothes, toys and then some. My ex's wife kept pushing him to go to court to have the CS lowered also. He also wasn't too motivated to do that. You know why? Because he tried that once before...and the judge increased the CS to the amount I quoted above lol. My ex's wife tried the same thing your trying to do...talk my ex into gaining full custody of MY sons, because SHE felt they would have a better home lmfao. BS..she just wanted that so he wouldn't have to pay CS anymore...for the same reasons you have in mind. There was no way that was going to happen...being with her for a weekend was enough for my kids to endure, let alone living with her haha. So, if I were you I would quit complaining while your ahead. Like ellencee said... you have no legal rights to the children at all. Try running this by a judge...he'd laugh your a$$ right out of court. You keep pushing your husband to stir up trouble...go right ahead, and if he does not see them because of YOUR meddling, you won't have to worry about the step kids coming to your house on weekends anymore. Because you lose everything...including your husband. Remember one thing dear SM...BLOOD is thicker than water, those are HIS children...they will always come first.

 

[kellimoore45]

No, he didn't go to court - we move 5 months ago and she had the papers served to our old address. So we didn't even know about it until we received a letter from his employer that his wages were going to be garnished.

Visitation has not been court ordered - nor has anyone pressed for it since it has been an issue that they have always been able to agree on between the two of them.

I am wondering if that should be the first step he takes. Does this require an attorney?