Meet in the middle

[funnybabyboy200]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Pennsylvania

Hello. My ex and I agreed about a week ago, via our lawyers at a hearing, that our visitation exchange would go like this: I drop son at daycare Thursday morning, & pick him up from daycare on Friday night. My ex & I both agreed to this, verbally, with our lawyers.

Yesterday around 4:30, his mother started text messaging me saying that I need to have a heart, that I'm taking away quality time with his father by picking him up from daycare on Friday, that I need to do what's best for my son, etc. My ex and I have to communicate through our mothers because he has a PFA on me.

I told her that we had agreed on the current set-up, but if he wanted to change it, I was ok with that, but he was going to have to drop my son at my mother's house on Friday evenings then. He refuses to do anything but drop my son of at his mother's house.

I have a problem with his mother. She has a serious substance abuse problem; alcohol. I have no idea if there's anything else, but she's definitely a drunk, a non functioning one. My ex ditches our son over at her house plenty, but I never use her as a babysitter, and I don't condone it.

I need an impartial party to tell me if I am being difficult. I have offered options, such as my parents house, he said no. I suggested that he drop at my parents one week, and my parents pick up the next; no. I am getting ready to email his mom back to suggest we meet at the mall (his mother doesn't drive, he would have to drive my son and his mother to the mall). I figured his mother & my son could walk into the mall & meet me, around the elevators or something, so that I wouldn't have contact with my ex, it would be a nice neutral geographically convenient place for us to meet. I'm pretty sure they're going to say no again.

I have considered asking why my ex doesn't just pick our son up from daycare early, or even not send him to daycare if he wants quality time with his son. He basically only has him from 6pm Thursday night until 7am Friday morning because he choses to send him to daycare. It's daycare. His father doesn't work.

This is ridiculous. R

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Pennsylvania

Hello. My ex and I agreed about a week ago, via our lawyers at a hearing, that our visitation exchange would go like this: I drop son at daycare Thursday morning, & pick him up from daycare on Friday night. My ex & I both agreed to this, verbally, with our lawyers.

Yesterday around 4:30, his mother started text messaging me saying that I need to have a heart, that I'm taking away quality time with his father by picking him up from daycare on Friday, that I need to do what's best for my son, etc. My ex and I have to communicate through our mothers because he has a PFA on me.

I told her that we had agreed on the current set-up, but if he wanted to change it, I was ok with that, but he was going to have to drop my son at my mother's house on Friday evenings then. He refuses to do anything but drop my son of at his mother's house.

I have a problem with his mother. She has a serious substance abuse problem; alcohol. I have no idea if there's anything else, but she's definitely a drunk, a non functioning one. My ex ditches our son over at her house plenty, but I never use her as a babysitter, and I don't condone it.

I need an impartial party to tell me if I am being difficult. I have offered options, such as my parents house, he said no. I suggested that he drop at my parents one week, and my parents pick up the next; no. I am getting ready to email his mom back to suggest we meet at the mall (his mother doesn't drive, he would have to drive my son and his mother to the mall). I figured his mother & my son could walk into the mall & meet me, around the elevators or something, so that I wouldn't have contact with my ex, it would be a nice neutral geographically convenient place for us to meet. I'm pretty sure they're going to say no again.

I have considered asking why my ex doesn't just pick our son up from daycare early, or even not send him to daycare if he wants quality time with his son. He basically only has him from 6pm Thursday night until 7am Friday morning because he choses to send him to daycare. It's daycare. His father doesn't work.

This is ridiculous. R

If the agreement says that you pick up the child at daycare, then you pick up the child at daycare. Grandma should NOT be negotiating with you to change anything.

If dad isn't working and sends the child to daycare anyway, then its dad's fault and dad's fault alone that he doesn't have any quality time with the child.

 

[mistoffolees]

If the agreement says that you pick up the child at daycare, then you pick up the child at daycare. Grandma should NOT be negotiating with you to change anything.

If dad isn't working and sends the child to daycare anyway, then its dad's fault and dad's fault alone that he doesn't have any quality time with the child.

I agree, but note that it's not yet an enforceable order. They SHOULD do what they agreed to (and it will look bad in court if they don't), but the court can't enforce it until a judge signs off on it.

 

[LdiJ]

I agree, but note that it's not yet an enforceable order. They SHOULD do what they agreed to (and it will look bad in court if they don't), but the court can't enforce it until a judge signs off on it.

She did say: "Hello. My ex and I agreed about a week ago, via our lawyers at a hearing,"

Which led me to believe that the judge was involved. However she also mentioned that it was a verbal agreement, so its true that one of the attorneys may still need to write it up for the judge's signature.

However grandma still shouldn't be trying to negotiate anything at this point.

 

[mistoffolees]

She did say: "Hello. My ex and I agreed about a week ago, via our lawyers at a hearing,"

Which led me to believe that the judge was involved. However she also mentioned that it was a verbal agreement, so its true that one of the attorneys may still need to write it up for the judge's signature.

However grandma still shouldn't be trying to negotiate anything at this point.

I agree. It's none of grandma's business.

AND, as far as I'm concerned, if they two of them agreed via their attorneys to follow a given plan, they should follow it even if it's not enforceable. Just wanted to point out that there's a little gray area.

 

[funnybabyboy200]

Ok, to update, my son ended up not seeing his dad on Christmas. I did agree to do the driving, however, they weren't able to come up with a place for me to pick up my son that his father wouldn't be at...I asked if they had somebody to meet me, and they said that they didn't have anybody to meet me either. Then they said forget it, he just won't see him.

The 26th grandma emailed me at 3pm saying that my ex had a concern about daycare being closed, and she would be happy to watch my son for me while I worked. I responded that I had already arranged childcare for the days daycare was closed.

We had a support conference yesterday, there is now a $377/month order in place, which he immediately appealed. The appeal will be heard on 3/13 before the same master that was over our conciliation hearing.

After he heard the support amount, he freaked out during the court proceeding & started yelling, pacing about, calling me names (drop this sh*t, I can't believe you would do this to me, you are such a spiteful b*tch, I'll make you an offer; $190, you're gonna burn in hell, you and your punk *ss boyfriend are gonna be sorry, etc). There was a sheriff present to protect him from me (per the temp. PFA order in place), and the sheriff removed him from the room & he was escorted out of the support office & left in the lobby. We finished up without him, and I left. Once out, my boyfriend told me that when the sheriff left him in the lobby, he stood there yelling through the waiting room windows "wait 'til I see you in the street motherf*cker, I'm gonna whoop your p*ssy *ss", and 2 sheriffs went out & escorted him into the elevator & went down with him. I'm assuming they just made him leave the building, I haven't heard anything otherwise.

I emailed my attorney, and she advised me to file for a PFA against him on behalf of myself & my son. I have to wait until tomorrow to do it at this point. My concern is that when we hear the custody decision, assuming it's in my favor, he's going to be even more enraged.

In the meantime, I'm making sure my car is locked up constantly, & all the windows & doors are locked. I don't know if he'll retaliate physically, but I anticipate retaliation on some level. I'm hoping it's just CYS. Who knows. I don't have a problem with them coming into my home. It's safe, warm, I have food, the kids have their own rooms. However, it could be anything. He is furious. He told the DR person that he's not paying, that he's not signing anything, that he refuses to pay, he doesn't accept that amount, that he has to buy everything for our son; diapers, wipes, clothing, shoes, etc.
He spoke to me through out the hearing, and I didn't know if that was ok or not, so I didn't respond. I spoke only to the DR person. I have a feeling if I would have responded to him, he would have immediately told the sheriff to arrest me.

 

[funnybabyboy200]

My ex showed up at my house last week, and I called the police. He stood outside the door, yelling at me through the door about the temporary support order. I didn't respond or open the door. I just took the kids downstairs to the rec room & put a movie on.

He said pretty much the same thing that he said in court, but he added a few things about fighting me until he gets what he wants, that if he loses he's just going to keep appealing until I run out of money, that I'm taking food out of the mouths of his other children, that I'm a spiteful b*tch, that I'm...oh goodness. Just a lot of name calling. The police came, and they told him to leave. I filed a PFA the next day. I am afraid of him, I was afraid of him after the hearing, and after showing up at the house like that, I am really scared of him. He's in contempt, apparently, for showing up on my doorstep while he has a temp PFA on me, but that doesn't really mean anything when he's banging on the door. The judge granted the PFA, and now we have a hearing for that on Thursday.
Sigh.
I know I'm not a favorite, but I want to know what you think. How is this going to impact the case? I was very hesitant to file the PFA, even though my lawyer said I should, because I don't want the judge to think that it's a vindictive tit for tat move.
On the other hand, the man is extremely enraged about paying support, and he is acting irrationally. I am surprised by his reaction, and I know how nuts he can be.
While we're at it, he appealed the support decision. What are his chances of successfully reducing the support order? He is on disability and he receives $1200 take home, approx., per month. The support order is for $377. He pays 20% ($377/month),I pay the other 80%. In addition, out of pocket health care bills are paid according to the same percentages after the first $250.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Because he threatened you IN.A.COURTHOUSE, with deputies as witnesses, AND he violated a temporary PFA, NO, it would NOT look retaliatory. He's his own worst enemy in this situation.

 

[funnybabyboy200]

Thanks, I appreciate it.

 

[mariasusa]

The biggest thing I see is finding a place to have transitions with your child. My only advice is make sure that is covered (I'm assuming custody/visitation orders are also being worked out?) in the parenting plan. I would want to address your experience of grandma and make sure there are provisions she is not used as a caretaker, if possible.

 

[funnybabyboy200]

I would like to maintain daycare as the primary transition place, at least for the time being. I think for the foreseeable future, things are going to be extremely tense between the ex and I. However, there are some times (holidays , when my son is ill) that daycare won't work. I am thinking a public place that is busy with people, even on holidays, would be optimal. A Wawa, Sheetz, something like that.

I agree that it needs to be covered in the parenting plan. We are going to need to have a very detailed parenting plan. I think that it will be very beneficial for me to know exactly what I am expected to do.

Grandma is going to be an issue. My ex and his mother have a very Oedipus-like relationship, he is going to protest his mother's exclusion as a caretaker heartily. But I agree, I need to try and exclude her.

My son is involved in EI. He has delays in several categories. Because of this, he benefits from having a lot of hands-on activity. He needs structure, routine, and stimulation.

My biggest detriment in this custody action is that I work, and am not available to my son 24/7, as my ex is. However, due to his special needs, my son actually benefits from childcare, and in a few months, pre-school, as opposed to a less structured home environment. So it negates that liability to some extent. This is something my lawyer has discussed with me.

Mariasusa, what are you feelings about the support order? Do you think that the court will observe his situation as a hardship, and reduce the amount?

 

[funnybabyboy200]

And thanks, mariasusa. I appreciate your time and consideration.

 

[funnybabyboy200]

So does anyone have any input on the support order? He is appealing it, what generally happens? His income is ~$1400/month, and the support order is for $377, 35% of the "cost" of my son monthly. Of course I am responsible for the other 65%. I am familiar with the mathematical formula used to determine child support. My monthly net is ~$2800. It should be noted that I have my W4 exemptions set at 7 to increase my pay throughout the year, but it diminishes my tax refund to almost nothing (I itemize as a homeowner). So honestly, my monthly net would be far lower, increasing his percentage of responsibility. Are those things that will impact the appeal?

 

[Ohiogal]

Child support is based on GROSS with some deductions allowed (health insurance and local taxes, union dues are the most common) so your net income doesn't necessarily factor into this. And a tax refund means only that you have overpaid your taxes throughout the year.

 

[mistoffolees]

So does anyone have any input on the support order? He is appealing it, what generally happens? His income is ~$1400/month, and the support order is for $377, 35% of the "cost" of my son monthly. Of course I am responsible for the other 65%. I am familiar with the mathematical formula used to determine child support. My monthly net is ~$2800. It should be noted that I have my W4 exemptions set at 7 to increase my pay throughout the year, but it diminishes my tax refund to almost nothing (I itemize as a homeowner). So honestly, my monthly net would be far lower, increasing his percentage of responsibility. Are those things that will impact the appeal?

Plug in the numbers. Depending on amounts paid for health insurance and/or child care, he may be overpaying:
Pennsylvania Child Support Calculator - AllLaw.com