need advice

[worriedwith1]

Well I think she's right. And I think it would be hard for you to explain that to your son but its the truth. You gave your DNA to make this child but his mothers husband has gave his Love,time,and dedication to this child and thats why he calls him Dad. As your son gets older he will understand all of this and make his choice about wether he wants to build a relationship with you but dont expect your son to not ask questions. He not only has the right to these questions but answering these questions will be a start to a possible relationship for you and him.

Ok, so if she did consider adoption then, like you say you thought...Then you child would have been raised by both a MOM and DAD who adopted them. Then he would be carrying his adoptive family's last name. They would be his parents. Not you just because you gave your DNA to make a baby. A childs parents is who raises him/her to be who they are later in life. If nything, you sons mother has made the questions easy for you...She never bad mouthed you and for this, your son wont think bad of you when you do try to build a relationship with him, if you do.

 

[stealth2]

But saying that I'm not his dad when I am is wrong

No, you are not. Not at this point. You are his biological father. You are not his Dad until you've acted like it.

 

[msdad]

If he adopts him then I would have no rights. I'm sorry it upsets you ladies but you said it yourself that I still have rights to him, whether I've been in his life or not. I PAY SUPPORT to my ex AND her husband. They make good mney between them without my help which by the way is substantial 800.00 per month. And if I did let this man adopt him, wouldn't that add to the difficult questions I'm already faced with? I think that would be worse.

 

[stealth2]

Why don't you just do what makes your life more comfortable? Then you won't have to answer any questions at all. Pretend you don't have a child. Shouldn't be hard except when you have to write that check. But 29-30 days of the month you can be footloose and fancy free. Allow your ex to change the boy's name so he can move on with his life with a Dad who loves him and cares for him. Even better, allow the adoption - you'll save $800 a month - and the boy will have a Dad who cares deeply for him. Once the adoption's through, change your name, create a new persona, and you'll never have to answer those hard questions. 'Cause, it's just not right that you should have to face the mistakes you've made. It isn't faaaaiiiiiir.

And for the record - this has absolutely nothing to do with being the mother or father, male or female. It has everything to do with recognizing a pathetic little whining loser.

 

[msdad]

And by the way who ever said that two men can be called Dad by one child, seems more confusing to me. So his mother IS WRONG by letting my son call her husband dad!

 

[worriedwith1]

If he adopts him then I would have no rights. I'm sorry it upsets you ladies but you said it yourself that I still have rights to him, whether I've been in his life or not. I PAY SUPPORT to my ex AND her husband. They make good mney between them without my help which by the way is substantial 800.00 per month. And if I did let this man adopt him, wouldn't that add to the difficult questions I'm already faced with? I think that would be worse.

You do have right, yes, but either man up and try to start a relationship with this child or let him continue his life. dont step in and then walk out again when things get tough and if you do have time to build a relationship with this child, dont bad mouth his father because you feel you should be his father because you should have made that attempt earlier in his life. Accept that he knows this guy as his father. Alot of parents who give the children up for adoption and later build a relationship with them, accept that even though the child is biologically theres, that child has a mother/father who has raised him/her. Your child will respect you more for accepting that.

 

[msdad]

OK I'm a loser. thanks for the help anyway

 

[msdad]

You might be right. I just know that she (ex) will fight me seeing him. I know that I have to stay in once I'm in. But she will do everything by the book and that might tire me into giving up. Yes I guess I am patheic in some ways, but I don't want it to be so structured. So I will take the advice given to me and then make a decision. Is it really the opinion that I stay out for now?

 

[stealth2]

No, my opinion is you grow a pair and become a man. Show your son that real men make mistakes, but they also admit them and then rectify them. Show him that real men are able to answer the tough questions.

 

[cascole]

You might be right. I just know that she (ex) will fight me seeing him. I know that I have to stay in once I'm in. But she will do everything by the book and that might tire me into giving up. Yes I guess I am patheic in some ways, but I don't want it to be so structured. So I will take the advice given to me and then make a decision. Is it really the opinion that I stay out for now?

This evidently is more about you than it is about the child at this point. I would suggest you seek some therapy and deal with your own issues about wanting to be involved or not. Once you can descern the true motivation behind your possibly upending this boys life, you will be able to make a more informed decision about what you are getting into - the risks and rewards. (supervised visits on a step up plan over the course of years, many tough questions, possible counseling with the boy, unending responsibility & attachment.)

 

[worriedwith1]

You might be right. I just know that she (ex) will fight me seeing him. I know that I have to stay in once I'm in. But she will do everything by the book and that might tire me into giving up. Yes I guess I am patheic in some ways, but I don't want it to be so structured. So I will take the advice given to me and then make a decision. Is it really the opinion that I stay out for now?

Do whats best for this child. If you want a relationship with him and can accept that he has a person in his life who has fathered him then try to build something with this child. Maybe you should seek some therapy(not being rude at all). It might be good for you and this child if you do try to build a relationship with him at sometime in the future. If you do, you better be sure you want to do this. Dont walk in half way and not give it your all because if thats the case, just stay away. Good luck to you and whatever your decision may be.

 

[msdad]

My ex says the same thing. (that its about me, not him). My girlfriend and mother seem to support her theory by trying to convince me that I will feel better once this happens. My ex says its just the guilt and to get over it for now, because no one hates me, and we can re visit this when he's older. she might be right. It seems to be too long of a road for me now.

Despite all the name calling I appreciate the opinions of un involved people.

 

[KKHeuser]

And by the way who ever said that two men can be called Dad by one child, seems more confusing to me. So his mother IS WRONG by letting my son call her husband dad!

No she isn't... Her husband has raised that boy, he's the only father he's ever known and that's your fault. You chose not to be a part of his life for 9 years!! You've never once apparently thought about this child and his well being and honestly I don't think you are now either. You're thinking about yourself and what you want. It doesn't matter if you obtain visitation or not you will never be "Dad" in this boys' eyes because you didn't raise him, you chose not to be there for him and he knows that. He'll probably resent you for your sudden intrusion into his life. In my opinion you should agree to the adoption and let him come to you when he's ready. You'll look less selfish and more concerned about his well being. He'll probably respect you for it.

 

[msdad]

She hasn't even offered an adoption. she probably just wants my money and have my son call her husband dad, with his last name.

If she did try to have her husband adopt him. Do I have to consent? Or could a judge just let him because I've never seen him? (remember I pay support)

 

[KKHeuser]

She hasn't even offered an adoption. she probably just wants my money and have my son call her husband dad, with his last name.

If she did try to have her husband adopt him. Do I have to consent? Or could a judge just let him because I've never seen him? (remember I pay support)

In order for her to change the child's name to her married name her husband would most definitely have to adopt him. As for whether or not your consent is required in this case I don't know. Give it anyway. Contact an Attorney to ask whether or not it is required and you may want to ask about whether or not you'll still be expected to pay child support. Obviously, this is a touchy issue with you.