Changes and Children's interests

[CJane]

What is the name of your state? Missouri

I spoke to my ex on Sunday afternoon, and informed him that my grandmother is dying (obviously, I don't know when she will pass, but it's only a waiting game right now), and when she does pass, I'd like to be able to take the children to the funeral, regardless of whose parenting period it falls on (we have 50/50 custody). He agreed. I realize that this is a verbal agreement and therefore unenforceable if it becomes an issue. Is there generally an assumed 'right thing to do' in cases like this?

Also, he told me that him and his fiance have moved up the date of their wedding to 'the end of May'. He refused to give me a date, however Memorial Weekend is 'my' weekend with the kids this year. Does his wedding supercede that?

He plans to cancel the children's daycare enrollment for the summer, since once he's married, his new wife is planning to be a 'stay-at-home-mom'. I have some serious concerns about this, but am not sure how legally valid they are.

1) She does not have children, and as far as I know, has very little experience in dealing with children on a long term/full-time basis.

2) I think that it's a pretty huge adjustment for the children to make, just having a step-mother, without immediately staying home with her all day everyday rather than attending the daycare that they've attended since the oldest was 2 (she's 8 now), where all of their friends attend, and where we've been talking about them attending the summer session for months. I don't think that so many changes are in their best interest.

3) I have the children from 8pm on Sunday until 8am on Wednesday, and also every other week from 8am on Friday until 8am on Wednesday. My ex refuses to tell me what the plans are for the times I am scheduled to have the children. I can't get any concrete information out of him, with regard to whether or not he expects me to drop them off at his house at the end of my custody periods, and pick them up there on the evenings that they're in my custody.

4) It states in our current parenting plan that the children are to attend daycare at XXXX Child Care, and that he is to pay all costs associated with day care. If he chooses to pull them out of daycare, is he then in contempt?

I'm currently attempting to get a clarification of the custody agreement through the court. It's not yet filed, but should be within the next week or so. The ex is refusing mediation, or to even discuss the clarification (this is not a true modification) because it 'suits him just fine as is'. I can only think that the wedding has been moved up because he's hoping to have THAT done, and the daycare ended before the clarification comes up, and can then claim that I'm attempting to upset the status quo.

Can he force me to allow the new wife to 'provide daycare' for my children during my costodial periods? If he can't, and I choose to keep them in the daycare environment that I know they're comfortable in, is he still responsible for the cost, since it says he is in the parenting plan?

What is the best way to handle all of these issues with him? He refuses to speak face to face once I start asking for specific answers to questions and will not respond to emails because 'putting things in writing makes him nervous'. In fact, the only reason I knew about his plans to allow step-mom to 'play-house', is because the kids told me and I called him to question him about it.

Opinions or assistance?

 

[bugsmom18]

1) She does not have children, and as far as I know, has very little experience in dealing with children on a long term/full-time basis.

I don't think that probably matters. Do your children like her? Is she good to them? That's what I would be worried about.

2) I think that it's a pretty huge adjustment for the children to make, just having a step-mother, without immediately staying home with her all day everyday rather than attending the daycare that they've attended since the oldest was 2 (she's 8 now), where all of their friends attend, and where we've been talking about them attending the summer session for months. I don't think that so many changes are in their best interest.

I agree with you, but again see above. If the kids seem to like her, then maybe it won't be such a bad thing. (hopefully )

3) I have the children from 8pm on Sunday until 8am on Wednesday, and also every other week from 8am on Friday until 8am on Wednesday. My ex refuses to tell me what the plans are for the times I am scheduled to have the children. I can't get any concrete information out of him, with regard to whether or not he expects me to drop them off at his house at the end of my custody periods, and pick them up there on the evenings that they're in my custody.

In my divorce decree, it states who is responsible for transportation. If he doesn't want to say (and there isn't anything listed in the decree) then keep the kids until he decides to come and get them.

4) It states in our current parenting plan that the children are to attend daycare at XXXX Child Care, and that he is to pay all costs associated with day care. If he chooses to pull them out of daycare, is he then in contempt?

I would say that he can't pull them out on his own.

Can he force me to allow the new wife to 'provide daycare' for my children during my costodial periods? If he can't, and I choose to keep them in the daycare environment that I know they're comfortable in, is he still responsible for the cost, since it says he is in the parenting plan?

I wouldn't think he can "force" you to do that while they are with you and the way I understand it is, he HAS to keep them in that daycare and pay the costs.

What is the best way to handle all of these issues with him?

Keep it all in writing and if he refuses to respond, that's his problem. I would think it would make him look bad.


I hope you can get the clarification through quickly! I understand what it's like to deal with a difficult ex (which I know we all can be difficult).

 

[CJane]

I don't think that probably matters. Do your children like her? Is she good to them? That's what I would be worried about.

Yes, they like her. But, my kids like everyone. And, I would assume that she treats them ok. At least, I have no evidence that she mistreats them. However, she refuses to have conversations with me, even while I'm at my ex's house, and I've heard all kinds of things from the kids about the things she says about me (I mostly let them go because I know that sometimes, kids tell tales.). I wouldn't allow a babysitter with no experience with kids to keep my children, and in fact, they've NEVER been with a babysitter. And yet, their new step-mother is planning to parent them all day every day?

I agree with you, but again see above. If the kids seem to like her, then maybe it won't be such a bad thing. (hopefully )

Well, I KNOW he'd see it differently if I was offering to let my husband stay home with the kids. (Total hypothetical, I'm not remarried)

In my divorce decree, it states who is responsible for transportation. If he doesn't want to say (and there isn't anything listed in the decree) then keep the kids until he decides to come and get them.

I wasn't wondering who was responsible for transportation, that's outlined. I'm wondering what I'm supposed to be doing with the kids on the days that they're technically 'mine'. I have no idea if he's planning on her keeping them then too, and if so, if I have any say in the matter.


New question, now that I think about it.

If he's using this 'stay-at-home-mom' thing as a ploy to have the children in his care more than I do, and then later file for more custody restrictions on me, what are his chances of making it stick?

Shouldn't I have control over where the children are/what they're doing (within reason) while it's my custody period, regardless of whether I'm actually with them or not? Can he force me to let 'him' have them all day on the days that they're supposed to be in my custody?

 

[stepmom&mom]

There are lots of great parents out there that had zero experience with children until they had their own.

 

[Rushia]

Ok, I'll have to let the higher ups handle the legal questions, but I have some advice about the funeral and the wedding. When the wedding happens, I would just let them go whether it's your weekend or not. Just to be nice and because he could be filling their heads with visions of a great party (have the children been given ringbearer or flower girl roles) and if you deny them going he could turn it against you. If your gramma makes it past this date, he might remember and give you the children if it is his time with them. This could also vice versa.

 

[CJane]

There are lots of great parents out there that had zero experience with children until they had their own.

And they are not HER children. I don't think I'm being all that unreasonable, given his lack of communication on the subject, in thinking that now is not the best time for her to be practicing her full-time parenting skills on my kids.

I also don't think that I should be forced to allow her to parent my children during MY parenting time, simply because I have a job. (I was a stay-at-home for the last 5 years of my marriage).

I'm not saying - at all - that she isn't going to be a good step-mother. What I AM saying is that the children should be allowed an adjustment period to even HAVING a step-mom before she's their full-time parent.

And yes, there's a little envy involved. I'd love to be home with my kids all summer, and I don't like the idea that she might get that opportunity. But there's also a healthy dose of concern for the best interests of my children.

Also, if she's 'parenting' on MY days, and there is an emergency, would she be required to tell me first, just like the school/daycare is?

 

[CJane]

Ok, I'll have to let the higher ups handle the legal questions, but I have some advice about the funeral and the wedding. When the wedding happens, I would just let them go whether it's your weekend or not. Just to be nice and because he could be filling their heads with visions of a great party (have the children been given ringbearer or flower girl roles) and if you deny them going he could turn it against you. If your gramma makes it past this date, he might remember and give you the children if it is his time with them. This could also vice versa.

I don't have any desire to keep them from the wedding, unless it's on Memorial Weekend. We have a vacation planned, that the kids have been looking forward to since we planned it in January. It will be the first vacation that we've taken since the divorce, and it's a big deal to all of us.

I'm 99% sure, based on his track record, that he'll deny he ever said I could take the kids to the funeral. I never believed he actually would, so that's not THAT big of an issue, if there's nothing I can do about it.

 

[Whyte Noise]

Unless you have FROR written into your parenting plan, then he can't "force" you to pull the children out of daycare and them go to his house while you're working. He doesn't have to take them on HIS time, but you can on yours. And since he is to pay for daycare, then whatever the center charges you (including dad's days for not taking them) is what he's obligated to pay. Also... if you have FROR and it won't be him watching them, guess what? You have another quandry. LOL You're working, he's working... neither of you can watch the kids... FROR wouldn't even help that situation I don't think. Neither of you would be available to watch the kids if the other can't. (Did that make sense?)

This is wording that I put into my own parenting plan about deaths in the family:

B.) In the event of death in the immediate family of either the Mother or the Father, additional parenting time shall be allowed so that children may attend the funeral of the deceased.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? Missouri

I spoke to my ex on Sunday afternoon, and informed him that my grandmother is dying (obviously, I don't know when she will pass, but it's only a waiting game right now), and when she does pass, I'd like to be able to take the children to the funeral, regardless of whose parenting period it falls on (we have 50/50 custody). He agreed. I realize that this is a verbal agreement and therefore unenforceable if it becomes an issue. Is there generally an assumed 'right thing to do' in cases like this?

Also, he told me that him and his fiance have moved up the date of their wedding to 'the end of May'. He refused to give me a date, however Memorial Weekend is 'my' weekend with the kids this year. Does his wedding supercede that?

He plans to cancel the children's daycare enrollment for the summer, since once he's married, his new wife is planning to be a 'stay-at-home-mom'. I have some serious concerns about this, but am not sure how legally valid they are.

1) She does not have children, and as far as I know, has very little experience in dealing with children on a long term/full-time basis.

2) I think that it's a pretty huge adjustment for the children to make, just having a step-mother, without immediately staying home with her all day everyday rather than attending the daycare that they've attended since the oldest was 2 (she's 8 now), where all of their friends attend, and where we've been talking about them attending the summer session for months. I don't think that so many changes are in their best interest.

3) I have the children from 8pm on Sunday until 8am on Wednesday, and also every other week from 8am on Friday until 8am on Wednesday. My ex refuses to tell me what the plans are for the times I am scheduled to have the children. I can't get any concrete information out of him, with regard to whether or not he expects me to drop them off at his house at the end of my custody periods, and pick them up there on the evenings that they're in my custody.

4) It states in our current parenting plan that the children are to attend daycare at XXXX Child Care, and that he is to pay all costs associated with day care. If he chooses to pull them out of daycare, is he then in contempt?

I'm currently attempting to get a clarification of the custody agreement through the court. It's not yet filed, but should be within the next week or so. The ex is refusing mediation, or to even discuss the clarification (this is not a true modification) because it 'suits him just fine as is'. I can only think that the wedding has been moved up because he's hoping to have THAT done, and the daycare ended before the clarification comes up, and can then claim that I'm attempting to upset the status quo.

Can he force me to allow the new wife to 'provide daycare' for my children during my costodial periods? If he can't, and I choose to keep them in the daycare environment that I know they're comfortable in, is he still responsible for the cost, since it says he is in the parenting plan?

What is the best way to handle all of these issues with him? He refuses to speak face to face once I start asking for specific answers to questions and will not respond to emails because 'putting things in writing makes him nervous'. In fact, the only reason I knew about his plans to allow step-mom to 'play-house', is because the kids told me and I called him to question him about it.

Opinions or assistance?

He cannot pull the kids out of daycare without your approval or an order from the court. He does not have to take them there during his time...but he cannot make that choice for you. He also cannot stop paying for daycare without an order from the court. That doesn't mean that he won't stop paying anyway...but technically he can't.

So...simply tell him that you do not agree to his wife providing the day care for the child. That you believe that the child will be happier being with her friends. Tell him that if he isn't happy with that, then he will need to convince a judge to order otherwise.

As far as the wedding is concerned....if its your holiday, its your holiday....but I honestly believe that you might get a real "butt kicking" from the judge if you don't allow the child to attend the father's wedding.

 

[CJane]

Unless you have FROR written into your parenting plan, then he can't "force" you to pull the children out of daycare and them go to his house while you're working. He doesn't have to take them on HIS time, but you can on yours. And since he is to pay for daycare, then whatever the center charges you (including dad's days for not taking them) is what he's obligated to pay. Also... if you have FROR and it won't be him watching them, guess what? You have another quandry. LOL You're working, he's working... neither of you can watch the kids... FROR wouldn't even help that situation I don't think. Neither of you would be available to watch the kids if the other can't. (Did that make sense?)

There is no FROR in the current parenting plan. Is what you are saying is that you think that he can't force me to use his new wife as my daycare provider?

I hadn't thought, at the time, about including specific language regarding deaths/funerals because we had a very good relationship. Since he got engaged, that's gone down the proverbial toilet.

 

[stepmom&mom]

I wonder if the dad would be able to go back to court and show that he can provide free childcare for the children? Then if the mother does not want the care on her time to be with stepmom, would she be required to pay for the childcare herself???

 

[CJane]

He cannot pull the kids out of daycare without your approval or an order from the court. He does not have to take them there during his time...but he cannot make that choice for you. He also cannot stop paying for daycare without an order from the court. That doesn't mean that he won't stop paying anyway...but technically he can't.

So...simply tell him that you do not agree to his wife providing the day care for the child. That you believe that the child will be happier being with her friends. Tell him that if he isn't happy with that, then he will need to convince a judge to order otherwise.

As far as the wedding is concerned....if its your holiday, its your holiday....but I honestly believe that you might get a real "butt kicking" from the judge if you don't allow the child to attend the father's wedding.

I've told him that I don't want her keeping them during my time - at least not right now. I also told him that I'd rethink it once school starts in the Fall, since the youngest will be in kindergarten, and they'd only be with her (or in daycare) for a couple of hours each day. He said that he was not enrolling them in summer daycare, and if I did, he'd refuse to pay. I realize that he can't do that, technically, but there's no way I can afford to pick up the slack if he DOES refuse to pay.

 

[LdiJ]

I wonder if the dad would be able to go back to court and show that he can provide free childcare for the children? Then if the mother does not want the care on her time to be with stepmom, would she be required to pay for the childcare herself???

There is a slight chance that he could....but not very likely. If it were dad HIMSELF that was available to watch the child that would be one thing...but its not, its his wife.

 

[CJane]

I wonder if the dad would be able to go back to court and show that he can provide free childcare for the children? Then if the mother does not want the care on her time to be with stepmom, would she be required to pay for the childcare herself???

He had THAT opportunity when we were getting divorced. He didn't want to have to pay child support though.

 

[Whyte Noise]

Ahhh yes... The "We got along at the time" excuse. LOL I learned really fast that NOTHING stays the same. I tried to cover everything I could think of. My parenting plan is 15 pages long. Both my dad and his mom are up in years, and have health problems. It will come about one day, and if he tried to deny me that time to take my children to their grandfather's funeral... there would be nothing I could do about it without having the "cover my ass" wording in there.

He can't force you to use the stepmom as the daycare provider without a court order. On his time, he can use her all he wants to since there is no FROR. However, on your time, it's your choice as to daycare providers.

stepmom&mom... I dunno what the judge would order. Dad's ordered to pay daycare now whether it's on HIS time or mom's. I don't know if a judge would change that if he got his wife to watch them on his time. Maybe the daycare costs would go down if he did that.