No-show for visitation (On going)

[pissedoffmom]

Tennessee,
OK here goes yet again... ok NCP did not see our children at all last year,atleast as far as visitation goes, on HIS OWN CHOICE. We then lived MAYBE 10 mins. apart. Well now that I have to drive 2 hours to exchange the children to him he wants them. Or does he? We went to court and he CLAIMED I was keeping the children from him. So0o now the judge ordered me to have the kids there EVERY OTHER weekend. I have went there EVERY OTHER weekend. Ok just from Jan 1st he has had the opportunity to have the children 8 weekends and 3 days for spring break. Out of these 27 days he has got them for 10 days (this is even adding when he gets them and drops them off with his mother ALL weekend and I have to go pick them up there). He showed 2 weekends in Jan and he showed another weekend in March.

OK so I am COURT ORDERED to be there EVERY OTHER weekend but he does not have to show? HELLOo0o HOW MUCH IS GAS??? This is 9 times that I have went there for the visitation but he has showed only 3 of those times. Oh but wait He has called around 7:30pm when we are court ordered to meet@6:00pm and advise me that he will be there around 9:00pm and I had BETTER have HIS kids there because it is HIS weekend. I have ask him if there was a later time that I could meet him but he said HELL NO THE TIME IS 6PM to meet. Well from what I have read all I have to wait is the 30 minutes for him to show UNLESS he calls me in advance. Well he supposedly went around 8:30pm one friday once he showed up and got a police report stating that I was still not sitting there waiting on him.

Basically I am tired of being court ordered to show with the kids but he can do what he wants. I explained it to him that all he is doing is wasting money that could be helping our kids but he just laughs because I am out of the gas money.
So0o0o I ask.. is there ANYTHING I can do w/o paying for a lawyer because to be honest I just can not afford it. Yeah I am broke and I spend all money I get on bills and things for our kids .. shoot me.
ANY ADVISE IS GREATLY APPRECIATED

 

[KarenWalker]

solution

First things first, KEEP A JOURNAL... if you can record all phone conversations, that is the best, otherwise, write down every conversation and what was said. If he'll agree to communicate via email, that's best as it is a preserved word.

Write down mileage, times, dates, etc. Be very very detailed. Also, send him a bill for half of the gas. Perhaps your divorce decree outlines (as some do) that you will split travel expenses. If not, that can be amended, but will require that lawyer you're avoiding. Regardless, document everything and send invoices (regardless of if you'll be reimbursed). This will build your case for when you CAN afford a lawyer.

Lastly, remember that there is a fuzzy area when it comes to grandparents; they even have their own forum discussing their rights, so be careful with that one!

Good luck,
our prayers are with you!

 

[BelizeBreeze]

First things first, KEEP A JOURNAL... if you can record all phone conversations, that is the best, otherwise, write down every conversation and what was said. If he'll agree to communicate via email, that's best as it is a preserved word.

Write down mileage, times, dates, etc. Be very very detailed. Also, send him a bill for half of the gas. Perhaps your divorce decree outlines (as some do) that you will split travel expenses. If not, that can be amended, but will require that lawyer you're avoiding. Regardless, document everything and send invoices (regardless of if you'll be reimbursed). This will build your case for when you CAN afford a lawyer.

And while a great writing exercise, as evidence it's worthless. The court order would still require travelling regardless of whether or not the ex shows up.

Lastly, remember that there is a fuzzy area when it comes to grandparents; they even have their own forum discussing their rights, so be careful with that one!

And you would be wrong. In this case, the father of the child can leave the children with whomever he wishes as long as that person(s) does not present a danger to the child.

That's what being a parent means.

 

[KarenWalker]

In Agreement

Belize, I agree with your assertion that the father can leave the children with whomever he chooses so long as they present no danger to the children. I am hoping to express to pissedoffmom that she should most likely NOT interfere with the visitation with Grandma.

Also, you are right. Most documentation is futile and this is usually a lost cause. However, if no records are kept there is no point in fighting, ever- especially not in the future. Can we agree on that?

 

[rmet4nzkx]

I take it you moved and created the distance?
What do you have against his mother having the children during his time?
You are court ordered for a reason.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Also, you are right. Most documentation is futile and this is usually a lost cause. However, if no records are kept there is no point in fighting, ever- especially not in the future. Can we agree on that?

Nope. It's called a court order. It matters not if the ex shows or not. Until such time as the court changes the order it stands.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

And just in case you feel like arguing, consider this.

The ex pays child support by check each and every month. The mother doesn't cash the checks for months so the ex documents this action, takes the ex back to court and asks the court to cease child support.

What do you think his "Evidence" will do for him?

 

[KarenWalker]

True, it is a court order, but all things (with money and a kick-ass lawyer) can be modified. So, I strongly believe in documentation regardless of the steps pissedoffmom will be taking.

And yes, pissedoffmom, the EX sucks for not showing, but Belize is absolutely right, you have to do whatever the court orders. If you wish to change this, you will have to get a lawyer for modification of this order if you feel there has been a substantial change in circumstances to merit a modification.

There is no easy answer. Ever. Not when divorce is involved.

 

[pissedoffmom]

That's just it... I do document EVERYTHING. I even write down where the children stay when they are gone to their dads because his own family calls me with concerns for where they are and even if they have something to eat. See both of us have moved since our divorce and I sent him the proper notice of our move including the address and phone numbers and he did not challenge it. However he moved also and he will not even tell me where he lives. He claims that it is NONE of my buisness. What I guess I am asking is if there is anything I can do myself as far as to see if we could change the meeting time or something. I understand that I moved away from this place as did he but IF he were not to show then he SHOULD give me some sort of notice BEFORE HAND. Thanks for your response.

 

[casa]

Tennessee,
OK here goes yet again... ok NCP did not see our children at all last year,atleast as far as visitation goes, on HIS OWN CHOICE. We then lived MAYBE 10 mins. apart. Well now that I have to drive 2 hours to exchange the children to him he wants them. Or does he? We went to court and he CLAIMED I was keeping the children from him. So0o now the judge ordered me to have the kids there EVERY OTHER weekend. I have went there EVERY OTHER weekend. Ok just from Jan 1st he has had the opportunity to have the children 8 weekends and 3 days for spring break. Out of these 27 days he has got them for 10 days (this is even adding when he gets them and drops them off with his mother ALL weekend and I have to go pick them up there). He showed 2 weekends in Jan and he showed another weekend in March.

OK so I am COURT ORDERED to be there EVERY OTHER weekend but he does not have to show? HELLOo0o HOW MUCH IS GAS??? This is 9 times that I have went there for the visitation but he has showed only 3 of those times. Oh but wait He has called around 7:30pm when we are court ordered to meet@6:00pm and advise me that he will be there around 9:00pm and I had BETTER have HIS kids there because it is HIS weekend. I have ask him if there was a later time that I could meet him but he said HELL NO THE TIME IS 6PM to meet. Well from what I have read all I have to wait is the 30 minutes for him to show UNLESS he calls me in advance. Well he supposedly went around 8:30pm one friday once he showed up and got a police report stating that I was still not sitting there waiting on him.

Basically I am tired of being court ordered to show with the kids but he can do what he wants. I explained it to him that all he is doing is wasting money that could be helping our kids but he just laughs because I am out of the gas money.
So0o0o I ask.. is there ANYTHING I can do w/o paying for a lawyer because to be honest I just can not afford it. Yeah I am broke and I spend all money I get on bills and things for our kids .. shoot me.
ANY ADVISE IS GREATLY APPRECIATED

#1. Get a candy bar, pack of gum or bottle of water at the store in the vicinity of the meeting place. Keep the receipts- all of them. Purchase these things at the END of the time period you've been waiting for him to show up. These will not only protect you if he lies and files a false report, but they will also demonstrate the amount of time you are waiting on him to show up.

#2. File in court to have a time-frame specified. Explain that the X is not showing, or is showing hours late while your children sit and wait...and wait....and wait...and eventually go home late at night. I did this and now if the X isn't there within the 1/2 hr. leeway- he forfeits visitation.

#3 Get a copy of the police report so you can note the difference between 6pm and the time the report was made.
Ask for a friend or family member to go with you on the drop offs so you can have witness affidavits/declarations that he is not showing up or is hours late.

Although a court order is a court order, trust me when I say a judge is NOT impressed with parents who make children spend hours sitting in a vehicle waiting for a parent who doesn't show up. I've seen the outcome not only in my own case, but in many many others.

 

[KarenWalker]

Belize can clarify, but if the court orders YOU then YOU must comply. His not showing is not illegal, just plain rude. It's a matter of courtesy, not law, I'm afraid.

Can you expound on their not eating? Or how you understand they are being treated?

 

[pissedoffmom]

cont...

.... sorry computer crashed. I am court ordered because he CLAIMED that I did not allow him to see them when he had every chance he just never showed up for the visits as at the time he refused to pay child support. He only ask to see the kids once we go to court over child support and he is FORCED to pay of face jail time yet again. I have my reasons for the children not staying with his mother but I respectfully will not say. Lets just put it this way. She lost all 3 of her children while raising them and she is no better now.
As far as the distance goes. Yes I created it and I would NOT say a word IF he showed up and would quit breaking the kids heart. We take off every other weekend and they are so excited because they are going to see their dad and their baby brother. They used to cry when he did not show up but now they are so used to him not being there that they seem numb to it. I don't want my children feeling unloved by their own father. I would drive 1000 miles w/o complaints to see their father IF he would just show up and spend the time with them that they deserve. After all, is the visitation for the parent or for the kids sake? I know damn well I don't do this for my ex. I do it because my kids deserve to have their dad their for them.

 

[pissedoffmom]

Dang you guys are QUICK!!!..lol... I do have my mother ride with me EVERY time I go there to meet him. Thanks Casa, and The only way I knew that they did not have food where they were staying is because the NCP's grandmother and aunt lives beside his mother where he drops them off and they have had to feed the children and they called me complaining asking why I was allowing them to go with them not having anything to eat. Heck I even offered to send them there with food just to assure they are getting enough food.

 

[casa]

Dang you guys are QUICK!!!..lol... I do have my mother ride with me EVERY time I go there to meet him. Thanks Casa, and The only way I knew that they did not have food where they were staying is because the NCP's grandmother and aunt lives beside his mother where he drops them off and they have had to feed the children and they called me complaining asking why I was allowing them to go with them not having anything to eat. Heck I even offered to send them there with food just to assure they are getting enough food.

What you are describing is part of what Belize Breeze was stating re; if the person your X is leaving the children with is a danger to the child. Are the grandmother &/or the aunt willing to write a declaration to that effect? If you have documentation that X is leaving the children with his Mother and she is not properly feeding or caring for them~ This would be one reason a court would order the children not to be left there.

Make sure you have your mother's witness statement that she was with you the evening he filed a police report, and that it outlines how many hours you waited before leaving and that it also details how many times you've gone and he has not shown up at all.

 

[pissedoffmom]

Would I still need to get this in writing even though my mother also attends court each time we go?
rmet4... I created this distance for what I felt was best for all of us and he added to this distance when he moved the other way. The meeting place is still the same so I understand and I take responsibility for providing transportation. The thing about him wasting my gas is because he fails to notify me before canceling the visit or expects me to show up hours or even a day later even though I am there on time each and EVERY time.
What I just can't seem to understand is why is the CP facing contempt for not showing but the NCP can do as they please!?
I just wish the courts would take into consideration that not all NCP's do as they should nor sometimes the CP. They should take each case and look at it ALONE and decide from there.
I should not have to lie to our children each time and give them a good excuse as to why they don't get to go to their dads or if they go with him he does not spend time with them.
I love our children more than anything in this world and everything I do is for them I just wish their father could act the same way and be there for them when he does get the time to spend with them.

Being a parent takes more than sending a damn check in the mail!!!