Unwed father-to-be part 2

[brandnew1]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

I came here to see advice back in March on a situation I was in. I had unprotected sex in November during a "one night stand" type situation and was informed a month later that I had gotten the girl pregnant. I had no intention of hastily marrying her to create some sort of fantasy family, but I wanted to be there to support her and for my prospective child. I went to her appointments with her and met her family and everything was going fine until about halfway into her pregnancy.

She abruptly stopped responding to me and informed me that she had a boyfriend now. She said the baby was still about me and her, but her actions were quite the opposite. She completely cut off communication with me in early June and would not respond to me at all. I didn't want to overdo it and harass her, so I simply sent her a text message once a week to ask how she was doing. She didn't respond a single time. When she went into labor, she took the liberty of blocking me on Facebook and her mother followed suit. Clearly, she was hoping I would just disappear.

As soon as I found out through the grapevine that the baby was born (I found out an hour after she was born) I drove to family court and filed my paternity petition. Two weeks later, I got my court date in the mail and finally got a text from baby mama.

She was furious with me, saying "Thanks a lot. I'll be bringing all my receipts and expenses with me." I politely explained that this was my only reasonable option considering she had ignored me for the past three months, but she didn't want to hear it.

Now here's where it really gets strange. Her and I live about an hour away but in seperate counties. I filed the petition in my county and that's where our court date is. Today, almost a week after receiving our court papers and a week before our scheduled court date, I got another text from her. She said she just filed the same paternity petition in her county because it would be so much easier to do everything where she lives since that's where the baby lives, etc. She asked if I would be willing to "withdraw" the paperwork for my county so we can do it all over there.

What is going on here? Does she possibly know a judge in her county who can give her a favorable deal once the paternity test confirms I'm the father? It certainly seems like she went through a lot of trouble... getting the paperwork filled out and notarized... just to save herself about 30 minutes of driving. And can't she just delay our court date anyways if she really doesn't want to drive here? I don't even know how to respond to this. I know it's not in my best interest to anger her, but this is also someone who was content pretending I didn't even exist until I forced the issue. Should I tell her that I think we should just stick to the original court date?

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

I came here to see advice back in March on a situation I was in. I had unprotected sex in November during a "one night stand" type situation and was informed a month later that I had gotten the girl pregnant. I had no intention of hastily marrying her to create some sort of fantasy family, but I wanted to be there to support her and for my prospective child. I went to her appointments with her and met her family and everything was going fine until about halfway into her pregnancy.

She abruptly stopped responding to me and informed me that she had a boyfriend now. She said the baby was still about me and her, but her actions were quite the opposite. She completely cut off communication with me in early June and would not respond to me at all. I didn't want to overdo it and harass her, so I simply sent her a text message once a week to ask how she was doing. She didn't respond a single time. When she went into labor, she took the liberty of blocking me on Facebook and her mother followed suit. Clearly, she was hoping I would just disappear.

As soon as I found out through the grapevine that the baby was born (I found out an hour after she was born) I drove to family court and filed my paternity petition. Two weeks later, I got my court date in the mail and finally got a text from baby mama.

She was furious with me, saying "Thanks a lot. I'll be bringing all my receipts and expenses with me." I politely explained that this was my only reasonable option considering she had ignored me for the past three months, but she didn't want to hear it.

Now here's where it really gets strange. Her and I live about an hour away but in seperate counties. I filed the petition in my county and that's where our court date is. Today, almost a week after receiving our court papers and a week before our scheduled court date, I got another text from her. She said she just filed the same paternity petition in her county because it would be so much easier to do everything where she lives since that's where the baby lives, etc. She asked if I would be willing to "withdraw" the paperwork for my county so we can do it all over there.

What is going on here? Does she possibly know a judge in her county who can give her a favorable deal once the paternity test confirms I'm the father? It certainly seems like she went through a lot of trouble... getting the paperwork filled out and notarized... just to save herself about 30 minutes of driving. And can't she just delay our court date anyways if she really doesn't want to drive here? I don't even know how to respond to this. I know it's not in my best interest to anger her, but this is also someone who was content pretending I didn't even exist until I forced the issue. Should I tell her that I think we should just stick to the original court date?

Her county is proper venue. NOT your county. The baby was born in her county, correct? Did she respond to your petition?

 

[CJane]

She probably should have filed to have your case dismissed due to improper venue... so she didn't do things exactly correctly, but she IS correct that the county where the child resides is the county that should hear the case.

 

[CSO286]

The previous posters are completely correct about the venue, but I just wanted to pop in to say kudos to you for stepping up to be active for your [potential] child.

 

[brandnew1]

Thanks for the quick responses, but I'm not so sure about that. All of the paperwork I filled out indicated that the petition could be filed in either to county where the putative father or the mother lived. When I went to family court, I asked to make sure and was told it was up to the judge. At his discretion, he could have it moved to her county. I just spoke to a lawyer and he thinks that because I filed my petition first, the case will be heard in my county unless I decide to withdraw. That would explain why she is asking my permission. Again though... what could her angle be? Purely convenience?

 

[CJane]

Thanks for the quick responses, but I'm not so sure about that. All of the paperwork I filled out indicated that the petition could be filed in either to county where the putative father or the mother lived. When I went to family court, I asked to make sure and was told it was up to the judge. At his discretion, he could have it moved to her county. I just spoke to a lawyer and he thinks that because I filed my petition first, the case will be heard in my county unless I decide to withdraw. That would explain why she is asking my permission. Again though... what could her angle be? Purely convenience?

Okee dokee.

 

[TheGeekess]

Why did you not keep this in your original thread?
https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/unwed-father-hopefully-i-can-get-some-advice-593430.html

 

[Silverplum]

Thanks for the quick responses, but I'm not so sure about that. All of the paperwork I filled out indicated that the petition could be filed in either to county where the putative father or the mother lived. When I went to family court, I asked to make sure and was told it was up to the judge. At his discretion, he could have it moved to her county. I just spoke to a lawyer and he thinks that because I filed my petition first, the case will be heard in my county unless I decide to withdraw. That would explain why she is asking my permission. Again though... what could her angle be? Purely convenience?

Sure, convenience.

But as the others told you already, the proper venue is the child's county. That's where the child lives, will attend school, etc.

This isn't a big deal.

 

[brandnew1]

All things considered, it may seem like it isn't a big deal but it is when I need to get the ball rolling ASAP.

She is trying to scare me by saying if I don't withdraw my petition, she will call and have the court date delayed which will take 1 to 2 months. Is that realistic? I don't know how the adjournment process works entirely. I called the family court and they told me that when she makes the request she will list three suggested dates that she is available. But obviously she will put down three dates that are as far into the future as she reasonably can make them. Am I missing something here? Can she reasonably delay this for months just because she wants to? It can't be hard to cook up an excuse for why she can't make it to court. She did, after all, give birth a month ago.

 

[CJane]

All things considered, it may seem like it isn't a big deal but it is when I need to get the ball rolling ASAP.

She is trying to scare me by saying if I don't withdraw my petition, she will call and have the court date delayed which will take 1 to 2 months. Is that realistic? I don't know how the adjournment process works entirely. I called the family court and they told me that when she makes the request she will list three suggested dates that she is available. But obviously she will put down three dates that are as far into the future as she reasonably can make them. Am I missing something here? Can she reasonably delay this for months just because she wants to? It can't be hard to cook up an excuse for why she can't make it to court. She did, after all, give birth a month ago.

Let's see. She gave birth very recently. The child isn't old enough to attend daycare most places, even if she could get a spot. She may be breastfeeding, and being away from the child for the length of time to travel to the inconvenient location and back could be troublesome, especially this early in the game. She may not have reliable/safe transportation. She may not have the $$ for the gas to travel back and forth.

Of COURSE she can likely get a continuance, if she's unsuccessful in changing the location entirely. Why not?

Why are you being so obstinate about it, and assigning motives to Mom that may not exist? IF this child is yours, you've got a LONG TIME to co-parent with Mom. Being suspicious of her every thought is only going to exhaust you.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

I came here to see advice back in March on a situation I was in. I had unprotected sex in November during a "one night stand" type situation and was informed a month later that I had gotten the girl pregnant. I had no intention of hastily marrying her to create some sort of fantasy family, but I wanted to be there to support her and for my prospective child. I went to her appointments with her and met her family and everything was going fine until about halfway into her pregnancy.

She abruptly stopped responding to me and informed me that she had a boyfriend now. She said the baby was still about me and her, but her actions were quite the opposite. She completely cut off communication with me in early June and would not respond to me at all. I didn't want to overdo it and harass her, so I simply sent her a text message once a week to ask how she was doing. She didn't respond a single time. When she went into labor, she took the liberty of blocking me on Facebook and her mother followed suit. Clearly, she was hoping I would just disappear.

As soon as I found out through the grapevine that the baby was born (I found out an hour after she was born) I drove to family court and filed my paternity petition. Two weeks later, I got my court date in the mail and finally got a text from baby mama.

She was furious with me, saying "Thanks a lot. I'll be bringing all my receipts and expenses with me." I politely explained that this was my only reasonable option considering she had ignored me for the past three months, but she didn't want to hear it.

Now here's where it really gets strange. Her and I live about an hour away but in seperate counties. I filed the petition in my county and that's where our court date is. Today, almost a week after receiving our court papers and a week before our scheduled court date, I got another text from her. She said she just filed the same paternity petition in her county because it would be so much easier to do everything where she lives since that's where the baby lives, etc. She asked if I would be willing to "withdraw" the paperwork for my county so we can do it all over there.

What is going on here? Does she possibly know a judge in her county who can give her a favorable deal once the paternity test confirms I'm the father? It certainly seems like she went through a lot of trouble... getting the paperwork filled out and notarized... just to save herself about 30 minutes of driving. And can't she just delay our court date anyways if she really doesn't want to drive here? I don't even know how to respond to this. I know it's not in my best interest to anger her, but this is also someone who was content pretending I didn't even exist until I forced the issue. Should I tell her that I think we should just stick to the original court date?

I think that you should have filed in her county to start with, since her county is the county of the child's residence. She might be able to get your petition dismissed if you do not withdraw it, for incorrect venue.

 

[brandnew1]

Why are you being so obstinate about it, and assigning motives to Mom that may not exist? IF this child is yours, you've got a LONG TIME to co-parent with Mom. Being suspicious of her every thought is only going to exhaust you.

I'm not trying to be vindictive or to stick it to her in any way. I just want this resolved very quickly and she does not. She has already proven herself to be very manipulative throughout this entire process. The first half of her pregnancy was great. I met her family and went to all of her appointments. There was no question that I was the father (even though it was agreed upon that we would get a paternity test) and immediately after she found a boyfriend she stopped responding to me entirely. She blocked me on all of her social networking sites when she went into labor so I wouldn't see any pictures or discover that the baby was born. I never once was threatening, nasty, or even rude to her. I'm not going to assume that I know why she acted the way she did, even though it seems quite obvious.

The only reason we are even communicating right now is because I filed the paternity petition. It doesn't seem clever to go ahead and withdraw the only shred I have of significance to this baby just based on faith that she filed her own petition.

I guess my actual question is: how long do you think it is reasonable for this to get pushed back? The initial court date was four weeks from when I filed the petition. Wouldn't an adjournment make things speedier than an extra 1-2 months?

 

[CJane]

I'm not trying to be vindictive or to stick it to her in any way. I just want this resolved very quickly and she does not. She has already proven herself to be very manipulative throughout this entire process. The first half of her pregnancy was great. I met her family and went to all of her appointments. There was no question that I was the father (even though it was agreed upon that we would get a paternity test) and immediately after she found a boyfriend she stopped responding to me entirely. She blocked me on all of her social networking sites when she went into labor so I wouldn't see any pictures or discover that the baby was born. I never once was threatening, nasty, or even rude to her. I'm not going to assume that I know why she acted the way she did, even though it seems quite obvious.

What's obvious to ME, is that she was experiencing her pregnancy in the way she WANTED TO. And since there was no child, no marriage, and no OBLIGATION, she did not choose to involve you further. Big. Deal.

The only reason we are even communicating right now is because I filed the paternity petition. It doesn't seem clever to go ahead and withdraw the only shred I have of significance to this baby just based on faith that she filed her own petition.

Call the courthouse in HER county and see if there's been something filed. If not, withdraw your petition and then the VERY SAME DAY, go file the VERY SAME PETITION in the CORRECT county.

I guess my actual question is: how long do you think it is reasonable for this to get pushed back? The initial court date was four weeks from when I filed the petition. Wouldn't an adjournment make things speedier than an extra 1-2 months?

I can't speak to the schedule in your particular court. I know in MY area, it wouldn't be absurd to think that a continuance could be pushed out 5 or 6 months. When my son's father filed for paternity/custody/etc (in the wrong county, btw), the initial court date was scheduled out 7 months.

 

[single317dad]

IF this child is yours, you've got a LONG TIME to co-parent with Mom. Being suspicious of her every thought is only going to exhaust you.

OP, you should print this out and tape it up on the wall in every room of your house.

Is Mom being a pain in the rear? Probably. This won't be the last time, either. Why not take this opportunity to try to negotiate several things all at once? It could mean a quicker resolution overall if you'll give in on this one thing.

 

[stealth2]

I'm not trying to be vindictive or to stick it to her in any way. I just want this resolved very quickly and she does not. She has already proven herself to be very manipulative throughout this entire process. The first half of her pregnancy was great. I met her family and went to all of her appointments. There was no question that I was the father (even though it was agreed upon that we would get a paternity test) and immediately after she found a boyfriend she stopped responding to me entirely. She blocked me on all of her social networking sites when she went into labor so I wouldn't see any pictures or discover that the baby was born. I never once was threatening, nasty, or even rude to her. I'm not going to assume that I know why she acted the way she did, even though it seems quite obvious.

The only reason we are even communicating right now is because I filed the paternity petition. It doesn't seem clever to go ahead and withdraw the only shred I have of significance to this baby just based on faith that she filed her own petition.

I guess my actual question is: how long do you think it is reasonable for this to get pushed back? The initial court date was four weeks from when I filed the petition. Wouldn't an adjournment make things speedier than an extra 1-2 months?

LOL to the bolded. From a One Nighter? There is EVERY doubt that you are the father. Unless, of course, you kept her bound and chained for several weeks prior to and following conception.