I hate it, but I'm back with a new question

[CSO286]

I def see the sarcasm , it ran close to mine as I read the blame game message he sent and oh I'm so absolutely horrible! I also knew when silence was the best policy and intend to remain that way.

I did finally stop telling littleman back in September and I just let him play through his "I went to see Daddy" by saying really? What did you do?" My counselor was kind enough to give me that advice on my time. (Its took 2 years with this therapist to see the blame game and react differently then I used to.) I am considering putting him in play therapy due to S3 always talking about dad and I know even now he needs an outlet for the disappointment and missing Dad and I don't really know how to handle it effectively and in S3's best interest except to listen and let him talk it out with "pretend"

I was unsure if I could go back since our order was just modified in April for his previous behavior, but I will positively be requesting what you suggested in short order.

Really, you normally wouldn't be able to, but with Dad's non-compliance and the hardships it is causing you, your local courts might be more amenable to hearing the action.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Sorry but your X is an idiot. Any GOOD sitter NEEDS to know who the child is going with. You have been painfully kind in those emails to the blathering idiot there.

Take it back to court and do as CS0286 suggested:
1. notice of 24-48 (you pick but I suggest 48 hours) whether parenting will be taken.
2. either pays for your Saturday sitter or actually parents the child
3. If sending a responsible adult, he must provide the name to the sitter and said sitter MUST demonstrate they have proper restraint for transporting S3 along with proper ID.
4. Let him know that you are requesting that child support be reevaluated for a decrease in utilized parenting time and increased daycare costs.
5. Don't let kiddo know he's coming so if dad does show up, he's surprised.
6. Up to you if you want to deal with "makeup" time.

 

[mommyanme]

OT: But still related to this post

Couldn't get my attorney to file to amend my order because it was so soon after the last modification. Now she says to leave it alone and when I find someone, if I get married see if "he'll" adopt my son. Honestly not an option in my mind.

But my OT issue is we are now heading into month 8 of Dad's disappearance, and S3 has started telling people his Dad died in a fire. I have tried over and over to tell him "daddy is not dead, he's been working a lot"(that was what he was putting in his emails to cancel his parenting time, so I tell S3 only that, now he's to a no notification/no show) and he will argue till he's hysterical that his Dad died! I am under the belief that this is how he's compensating for his Dad's disappearance and he is scheduled for play therapy, but the counselor has told me that at his age she can't promise that he won't continue to believe his Dad died. I'm hurt for the baby and didn't know how to approach it honestly with him, without sounding like a hateful scorned mother to a 3 year old who is not at fault. I'm just not equipped with the right tools and seems even a play therapist isn't so sure either, because as she said it's really a delicate issue with a child so young, it's wrong to let him believe the man is dead and it's wrong to tell him he just quit coming to get him. All I could think to do was say he was working a lot.

Aside from that, what do I do if he does just "shows up" after 8 months, 2 years, 5 years? When I have a lawyer who's answer is to find someone to adopt him? I'll still have to follow my order and if it's a holiday send him for a week or more with someone he's convincing himself is dead. I know he'd be resilient but talk about a shock to the system! Or am I wrong and he wouldn't be a shocked kiddo?

 

[LdiJ]

Couldn't get my attorney to file to amend my order because it was so soon after the last modification. Now she says to leave it alone and when I find someone, if I get married see if "he'll" adopt my son. Honestly not an option in my mind.

But my OT issue is we are now heading into month 8 of Dad's disappearance, and S3 has started telling people his Dad died in a fire. I have tried over and over to tell him "daddy is not dead, he's been working a lot"(that was what he was putting in his emails to cancel his parenting time, so I tell S3 only that, now he's to a no notification/no show) and he will argue till he's hysterical that his Dad died! I am under the belief that this is how he's compensating for his Dad's disappearance and he is scheduled for play therapy, but the counselor has told me that at his age she can't promise that he won't continue to believe his Dad died. I'm hurt for the baby and didn't know how to approach it honestly with him, without sounding like a hateful scorned mother to a 3 year old who is not at fault. I'm just not equipped with the right tools and seems even a play therapist isn't so sure either, because as she said it's really a delicate issue with a child so young, it's wrong to let him believe the man is dead and it's wrong to tell him he just quit coming to get him. All I could think to do was say he was working a lot.

Aside from that, what do I do if he does just "shows up" after 8 months, 2 years, 5 years? When I have a lawyer who's answer is to find someone to adopt him? I'll still have to follow my order and if it's a holiday send him for a week or more with someone he's convincing himself is dead. I know he'd be resilient but talk about a shock to the system! Or am I wrong and he wouldn't be a shocked kiddo?

I agree that the play therapy is probably a good thing. Wait until its been a full year of dad being a no show and then file to suspend visitation based on the fact that dad has been a no show for a year. That way dad would have to file for visitation and start over from scratch if he does show up later on.

Also, either do it without an attorney or get a different one.

 

[stealth2]

I'm thinking that a therapist who cannot figure out how to address this sort of issue? Is the wrong therapist. S/he should at least be able to give Mom a few possible courses of action.

 

[single317dad]

Couldn't get my attorney to file to amend my order because it was so soon after the last modification. Now she says to leave it alone and when I find someone, if I get married see if "he'll" adopt my son. Honestly not an option in my mind.

But my OT issue is we are now heading into month 8 of Dad's disappearance, and S3 has started telling people his Dad died in a fire. I have tried over and over to tell him "daddy is not dead, he's been working a lot"(that was what he was putting in his emails to cancel his parenting time, so I tell S3 only that, now he's to a no notification/no show) and he will argue till he's hysterical that his Dad died! I am under the belief that this is how he's compensating for his Dad's disappearance and he is scheduled for play therapy, but the counselor has told me that at his age she can't promise that he won't continue to believe his Dad died. I'm hurt for the baby and didn't know how to approach it honestly with him, without sounding like a hateful scorned mother to a 3 year old who is not at fault. I'm just not equipped with the right tools and seems even a play therapist isn't so sure either, because as she said it's really a delicate issue with a child so young, it's wrong to let him believe the man is dead and it's wrong to tell him he just quit coming to get him. All I could think to do was say he was working a lot.

Aside from that, what do I do if he does just "shows up" after 8 months, 2 years, 5 years? When I have a lawyer who's answer is to find someone to adopt him? I'll still have to follow my order and if it's a holiday send him for a week or more with someone he's convincing himself is dead. I know he'd be resilient but talk about a shock to the system! Or am I wrong and he wouldn't be a shocked kiddo?

There's no easy answer to the issues the child is having with his father's disappearance. Therapy will help, but some people just cope differently and not always well.

As far as Dad popping in after years, I'd be ready with a petition for supervised visitation prepared and filed away. If he reappears after 5 years, I'd tell him now is not a good time, come back Friday. In the meantime, file with the court and have someone ready to serve him when he returns. Refusing the visit pending the judge's decision wouldn't be strictly legal, but worth the risk in my opinion. Better that risk than the alternative. Also, CSO's earlier suggestion of prior notification is worth pursuing, but to accomplish that you'd have to locate and serve him at the least. My judge, for one example, hesitates to do much of anything until my ex actually appears, regardless of whether she's been served.

 

[mommyanme]

I'm thinking that a therapist who cannot figure out how to address this sort of issue? Is the wrong therapist. S/he should at least be able to give Mom a few possible courses of action.

I was wondering about that. I think I'll make an appointment to talk with other therapists and get different opinions.

Thanks to the other responses also.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Be prepared to file at the one year mark to suspend parenting time. Remember that is 25% of this child's life. When and if he is ready to parent again, let him file for parenting time. You can ask that at that time that dad participate in therapy for the child along with supervised visits on dad's dime.

Continue to mail certified and regular mail to his last known address any updates needed on medical procedures. Keep the certifieds unopened when they come back to you.

If you don't like the therapist, find a new one. In your child's mind, it is easier to say that dad is dead rather than think that dad doesn't like him enough to want to be with him.

 

[mommyanme]

Non-legal/maybe becoming

I am searching for some opinions and knowledge if I am opening myself up to problems, which I've had enough of, but I am wanting to cushion the blow to DS as much as possible.

If you're not familiar with the Hx please read it since it would be very helpful to me.

Dad has continued with not taking his parenting time and has recently notified me of his relocation "to an undisclosed location". June 2014 it will be 1 year since he abandoned his parenting time. DS is in play therapy and doing, ehhhhh ok I guess, but I want to help him more.

I have found his Grandma and Grandpa on facebook (Dad's, Father and StepMom) and have been pushing and pulling with myself about contacting them and opening up the door for them to see DS if they choose to. Why I'm at a cross roads about this, I'm not sure, except, I am angry and being selfish, that's all I can come up with.

Asking family and friends is a no go for me because they all love DS and are angry about how he has been done also. My BF kindly never gives his opinion, and I never ask, this time I did and his response was what I expected, "I don't like how he's been done, BUT it is your choice not mine, I will back you up either way".
When asking the therapist, she backed up DS having contact and believes it would be okay, he would still have the stability of extended family and some sort of connection that he's missing. Her next opinion was she could not give me the legal ramifications of choosing to do this, which I expected.

What harm could it do, to extend the offer to his Grandparents and help restart DS's relationship with them? I don't think I would have any legal ramifications from it, Dad's choice is his own and I feel like I'm just as guilty if I don't try to help DS keep contact with family.

On a side note, I have no ill feelings towards them, they have never done anything wrong to me and they have remained neutral as far as I know, like my parents have, so I don't believe they will emotionally harm DS.

 

[Ladyback1]

I'm not sure about legal ramifications but you need to consider:

If you allow the paternal grandparents into your child's life, you may be allowing the father to be involved without him facing any of the real responsibilities and "consequences" of being a parent.

Furthermore, have the paternal grandparents known about the child this whole time? Did they or have they ever attempt to be part of the child's life (on a consistent basis)?

I may be odd man out, but it's my opinion that if they want to be grandparents they should have been...

From a strictly personal opinion, I don't think I'd do anything, unless or until they contact you. Then, and only then, should you consider allowing them access to your child.

 

[mommyanme]

I'm not sure about legal ramifications but you need to consider:

Furthermore, have the paternal grandparents known about the child this whole time? Did they or have they ever attempt to be part of the child's life (on a consistent basis)?

Yes, They have known about him the entire time. "Hearsay" is that they were the ones actually keeping DS when it was Dad's parenting time.

I may be odd man out, but it's my opinion that if they want to be grandparents they should have been...

From a strictly personal opinion, I don't think I'd do anything, unless or until they contact you. Then, and only then, should you consider allowing them access to your child.

I do know they only know about where I live and have never known my address, my fb is overly private. So is there a chance they don't know how to get a hold of me? Yes. Is Dad a compulsive liar? yep, so I really don't know what they've been told by him.

This is the reasons I am going in circles over this, I keep wondering if they even bother to think about it or have they grown accustomed to Dad having his kids for a short time then those kids disappearing(ie DS is child #3)

 

[Ladyback1]

Yes, They have known about him the entire time. "Hearsay" is that they were the ones actually keeping DS when it was Dad's parenting time.

I do know they only know about where I live and have never known my address, my fb is overly private. So is there a chance they don't know how to get a hold of me? Yes. Is Dad a compulsive liar? yep, so I really don't know what they've been told by him.

This is the reasons I am going in circles over this, I keep wondering if they even bother to think about it or have they grown accustomed to Dad having his kids for a short time then those kids disappearing(ie DS is child #3)

When Ex and I divorced, I did my level best to keep the Ex's family involved with their grandsons (Ex and I were married 15 years...wasn't like they didn't know about the kids!). I sent cards from the kids for Holidays, birthdays, etc. I sent school pictures. I sent a letter to Ex's parents advising them that they were always welcomed in the kids' lives, provided all of mine and the kids' contact info. After about 3 years, I quit because they didn't respond, didn't call, didn't acknowledge birthdays/holidays, etc. But, I shouldn't have been surprised, since EX chooses not to have contact with the kiddos (hasn't seen them since 12/2010).
So, I'm not exactly unbiased...But, at some point, you can not be the only one making an effort or extending the olive branch!

 

[mommyanme]

When Ex and I divorced, I did my level best to keep the Ex's family involved with their grandsons (Ex and I were married 15 years...wasn't like they didn't know about the kids!). I sent cards from the kids for Holidays, birthdays, etc. I sent school pictures. I sent a letter to Ex's parents advising them that they were always welcomed in the kids' lives, provided all of mine and the kids' contact info. After about 3 years, I quit because they didn't respond, didn't call, didn't acknowledge birthdays/holidays, etc. But, I shouldn't have been surprised, since EX chooses not to have contact with the kiddos (hasn't seen them since 12/2010).
So, I'm not exactly unbiased...But, at some point, you can not be the only one making an effort or extending the olive branch!

Fully agree

I'll give them my contact info and leave it at that, then it's their choice and if they don't DS never has to know.

 

[mommyanme]

Dad's offer on restarting visitations and my response. ADVISE!! PLEASE!

Okay so we've come to a cross roads, do I think this will pan out, well, I'll keep my opinion to myself. But a quick background since my last post.
Dad has created a 1 way 3 hour distance. He has still not attempted visits. 1 year is up in June. I have offered and offered and offered to work with him. I have asked on many occasions in the last year for a proposal from him on a change we can agree on.
He sent me a proposal tonight, I am copy and pasting it so it is word for word and I am copy and pasting my response. Please excuse if his is hard to read.

DAD; to you everything I do or say is a lie or some kind of twist . when its the truth . just cause you dont believe me , that is not my problem its your own . I TOLD YOU I WAS DONE WITH THE FIGHTING ARGUING ETC, what part of that do you not seem to understand . You always knows things I do not even tell you . You are obsessive compulsive with me and my life . yoi believe im supposed to bow down to you . well I will not stand for your games, drama , abusive mental and verbal abuse . You are so worried about me .. You act and mask the things you do to act as if you are a victim or something else .. Heck you believe only these orders are only for me and not you .. You think I have all the time in the world to respond to. you message as soon as you send them . well guess what. it takes time something you seem , not to understand at all .. my Idea is is meet have way with kayden . since 6 hourz as you say would so hard for you .. .... Half way is Shelby nc . I have mapped it printed it out . and that half way mark is at THE intersection of Highway 150 and US Highway 74 there is truck stop . and being its gonna be a costly expense in fuel cost maintenance costs of vehicles . also agreeing to drop child support , you did state that you dont want it also jn another email . this would help in this matter of distance . and for you to drop all the bs past etc that you have been saving up for court etc . the courts would prefer it that way . it would ALSO so and promote a positive atmosphere for our son . and let the past lay to rest .. it is a long ride . good thing I didn't move out of state completely .. and neither parties are not allowed to be at either parties homes at all . this is what I was thinking about that would be beneficial to everyone and promote a positive and peaceful coexistence of working together for our son ..


Me;I have a few questions about this offer. And at least 1 answer

1. How many visits a month are you saying?

2. What day and time does it start and what day and time does it end?

3. How do you propose to work (S3) back into regular visits? It has been a year.


As far as the child support you have an issue with. Now that there is an order in place, there are only 3 ways a parent is not required by State Law to pay Child Support,

1. Both parents have 50/50 parenting time share and equal incomes. That's not even remotely possible in this case.

2. The Custodial Parent is not required to pay Child Support. I'm the Custodial Parent in this case and that won't change.

3. Having parental rights terminated.

Bringing up cost of the distance won't help since I did not create it and you are wanting me to share 1/2 the expense.

Since a complete court order already exists, any and all changes to it have to go through the court, no matter what is agreed on.

Once, my questions are answered, I'll give my added proposals.


Please critique me and for OG I was right about the child support wasn't I?

 

[LdiJ]

Okay so we've come to a cross roads, do I think this will pan out, well, I'll keep my opinion to myself. But a quick background since my last post.
Dad has created a 1 way 3 hour distance. He has still not attempted visits. 1 year is up in June. I have offered and offered and offered to work with him. I have asked on many occasions in the last year for a proposal from him on a change we can agree on.
He sent me a proposal tonight, I am copy and pasting it so it is word for word and I am copy and pasting my response. Please excuse if his is hard to read.

DAD; to you everything I do or say is a lie or some kind of twist . when its the truth . just cause you dont believe me , that is not my problem its your own . I TOLD YOU I WAS DONE WITH THE FIGHTING ARGUING ETC, what part of that do you not seem to understand . You always knows things I do not even tell you . You are obsessive compulsive with me and my life . yoi believe im supposed to bow down to you . well I will not stand for your games, drama , abusive mental and verbal abuse . You are so worried about me .. You act and mask the things you do to act as if you are a victim or something else .. Heck you believe only these orders are only for me and not you .. You think I have all the time in the world to respond to. you message as soon as you send them . well guess what. it takes time something you seem , not to understand at all .. my Idea is is meet have way with kayden . since 6 hourz as you say would so hard for you .. .... Half way is Shelby nc . I have mapped it printed it out . and that half way mark is at THE intersection of Highway 150 and US Highway 74 there is truck stop . and being its gonna be a costly expense in fuel cost maintenance costs of vehicles . also agreeing to drop child support , you did state that you dont want it also jn another email . this would help in this matter of distance . and for you to drop all the bs past etc that you have been saving up for court etc . the courts would prefer it that way . it would ALSO so and promote a positive atmosphere for our son . and let the past lay to rest .. it is a long ride . good thing I didn't move out of state completely .. and neither parties are not allowed to be at either parties homes at all . this is what I was thinking about that would be beneficial to everyone and promote a positive and peaceful coexistence of working together for our son ..


Me;I have a few questions about this offer. And at least 1 answer

1. How many visits a month are you saying?

2. What day and time does it start and what day and time does it end?

3. How do you propose to work (S3) back into regular visits? It has been a year.


As far as the child support you have an issue with. Now that there is an order in place, there are only 3 ways a parent is not required by State Law to pay Child Support,

1. Both parents have 50/50 parenting time share and equal incomes. That's not even remotely possible in this case.

2. The Custodial Parent is not required to pay Child Support. I'm the Custodial Parent in this case and that won't change.

3. Having parental rights terminated.

Bringing up cost of the distance won't help since I did not create it and you are wanting me to share 1/2 the expense.

Since a complete court order already exists, any and all changes to it have to go through the court, no matter what is agreed on.

Once, my questions are answered, I'll give my added proposals.


Please critique me and for OG I was right about the child support wasn't I?

I had to read it a couple of times to truly understand what his proposal was, but his proposal is that he doesn't have to pay child support anymore and you have to meet him half way for exchanges? Is he honestly that clueless about how things work, or does he understand and seriously has no interest in the child?